Part 5 of 5
SCENE VII.
Antonio, Trincalo.
Ant. Wretched Antonio! hast been preserv'd so strangely
From foreign miseries, to be wrong'd at home?
Barr'd from thy house by the scorn of thine own children?
[Trincalo knocks.
But stay, there's one knocks boldly; 't may be some friend.
[Trincalo knocks again.
Dwell you here, gentleman?
Trin. He calls me gentleman:
See th' virtue of good clothes! All men salute,
Honour, respect, and reverence us.
Ant. Young gentleman,
Let me without offence entreat your name,
And why you knock?
Trin. How, sirrah saucebox, my name!
Or thou some stranger art or grossly ignorant,
That know'st not me. Ha! what art thou that ask'st it?
Ant. Be not in choler, sir.
Trin. Befits it me,
A gentleman of public reputation,
To stoop so low as satisfy the questions
Of base and earthly pieces like thyself?
What art thou? ha?
Ant. Th' unfortunate possessor of this house.
Trin. Thou liest, base sycophant, my worship owes it.
Ant. May be, my son hath sold it in my absence,
Thinking me dead. How long has't call'd you master?
Trin. 'Long as Antonio possess'd it
Ant. Which Antonio?
Trin. Antonio Anastasio.
Ant. That Anastasio,
That was drown'd in Barbary?
Trin. That Anastasio,
That selfsame man, am I: I 'scap'd by swimming,
And now return to keep my former promise
Of Flavia to Pandolfo; and, in exchange,
To take Sulpitia to my wife.
Ant. All this
I intended 'fore I went: but, sir, if I
Can be no other than myself, and you
Are that Antonio, you and I are one.
Trin. How? one with thee? speak such another syllable,
[Draws.
And, by the terror of this deadly steel,
That ne'er saw light, but sent to endless darkness
All that durst stand before't, thou diest.
Ant. Alas!
My weakness, grown by age and pains of travel,
Disarms my courage to defend myself;
I have no strength, but patience.
Trin. What art now?
[Threatens him.
Ant. Peter and Thomas, William, what you please.
Trin. What boldness madded thee to steal my name?
Ant. Sir, heat of wine.
Trin. And, sirrah, when y' are drunk,
Is there no person to put on but mine,
To cover your intended villanies?
Ant. But, good sir, if I be not I, who am I?
Trin. An ox, an ass, a dog.
Ant. Strange negligence
To lose myself! methinks I live and move—
Remember. Could the fearful apprehension
Or th' ugly fear of drowning so transform me?
Or did I die, and by Pythagoras' rule,
My soul's provided of another lodging?
Trin. Be what thou wilt, except Antonio:
'Tis death to touch that name.
Ant. Dangers at sea
Are pleasures, weigh'd with these home-injuries.
Was ever man thus scar'd beside himself?
0 most unfortunate Antonio!
At sea thou suffer'dst shipwreck of thy goods,
At land of thine own self. Antonio—
Or what name else they please—fly, fly to Barbary!
And rather there endure the foreign cruelty
Of fetters, whips, and Moors, than here at home
Be wrong'd and baffled by thy friends and children.
Trin. How! prating still? why, Timothy, begone,
Or draw, and lay Antonio down betwixt us?
Let fortune of the fight decide the question.
Here's a brave rogue, that in the king's highway
Offers to rob me of my good name. Draw!
Ant. These wrongs recall my strength, I am resolv'd:
Better die once, than suffer always. Draw!
Trin. Stay: understand'st thou well nice points of duel?
Art born of gentle blood and pure descent?
Was none of all thy lineage hang'd or cuckold,
Bastard or bastinado'd? Is thy pedigree
As long, as wide, as mine? for otherwise
Thou wert most unworthy; and 'twere loss of honour
In me to fight. More, I have drawn five teeth:
If thine stand sound, the terms are much unequal.
And, by strict laws of duel, I am excus'd
To fight on disadvantage.
Ant. This is some ass!
Trin. If we concur in all, write a formal challenge,
And bring thy second: meanwhile, I make provision
Of Calais sand, to fight upon securely. Ha!
[Exit Antonio.
SCENE VIII.
Lelio, Cricca, Trincalo.
Lel. Am I awake? or do deceitful dreams
Present to my wild fancy things I see not?
Cri. Sir, what amazement's this? Why wonder you?
Lel. See'st thou not Trincalo and Antonio?
Cri. O, strange! they're both here.
Lel. Didst not thou inform me
That Trincalo was turn'd to Antonio?
Which I believing, like a cursed son,
With most reproachful threats drove mine old father
From his own doors; and yet rest doubtful whether
This be the true Antonio: maybe, th' astrologer
Hath chang'd some other, and not Trincalo.
Cri. No, fear it not, 'tis plain: Albumazar
Hath cheated my old master of his plate.
For here's the farmer, as like himself as ever;
Only his clothes excepted. Trincalo.
Trin. Cricca, where's Trincalo? Dost see him here?
Cri. Yes, and as rank an ass as e'er he was.
Trin. Thou'rt much deceiv'd: thou neither see'st nor know'st me.
I am transform'd, transform'd.
Cri. Th' art still thyself.
Lelio, this farmer's half a fool, half knave;
And as Pandolfo did with much entreaty
Persuade him to transform, so, as much labour
Will hardly bring the coxcomb to himself,
That ne'er was out on't. Who art, if not he?
Trin. My name is Don Antonio: I am now going
To my own house, to give Pandolfo Flavia,
And Armellina to his farmer Trincalo.
How dar'st thou, Cricca (but a meaner servant),
Resemble me (a man of worth and worship),
To such a clown as Trincalo, a branded fool,
An ass, a laughing-stock to town and country?
Art not asham'd to name him with Antonio?
Lel. Do not thy actions, with thy rude behaviour,
Proclaim thee what thou art?
Cri. Notorious clown!
[Beats him.
Trin. Villain! th' hast broke my shoulders.
Lel. O, didst feel him?
Trin. Ay, with a pox.
Lel. Then th' art still Trincalo,
For, hadst thou been Antonio, he had smarted.
Trin. I feel it, as I am Antonio.
Cri. Fool! who loves Armellina?
Trin. 'Tis I, 'tis I.
Cri. Antonio never lov'd his kitchen-maid.
Trin. Well, I was taken for Antonio,
And in his name receiv'd ten pound in gold,
Was by his mistress entertain'd; but thou
Envy'st my happiness: if thou hast th' ambition
To rise as I have done, go to Albumazar,
And let him change thee to a knight or lord.
Cri. Note the strange power of strong imagination.
Trin. A world of engines cannot wrest my thoughts
From being a gentleman: I am one, and will be:
And, though I be not, yet will think myself so,
And scorn thee, Cricca, as a slave and servant.
[Exit.
SCENE IX.
Cricca, Lelio, Antonio.
Cri. 'Tis but lost labour to dissuade his dulness.
Believe me, that's your father.
Lel. When I drove him hence,
Spite of my blood, his reverend countenance
Struck me t' a deep compassion. To clear all,
I'll ask one question. Signior Antonio,
What money took you when you went your voyage?
Ant. As I remember, fourscore and fifteen pound
In Barbary gold. Had Lucio kept his word,
I had carried just a hundred.
Lel. Pardon me, father;
'Twas my blind ignorance, not want of duty,
That wrong'd you; all was intended for a farmer,
Whom an astrologer, they said, transform'd.
Ant. How, an astrologer?
Lel. When you parted hence,
It seems you promis'd Flavia to Pandolfo.
News of your death arriving, th' old gentleman
Importunes me to second what you purpos'd.
Consulting therefore with my friends and kindred:
Loth my young sister should be buried quick
I' th' grave of threescore years; by their advice
I fully did deny him. He chafes and storms,
And finds at length a cunning man, that promis'd
To turn his farmer to your shape, and thus
Possess your house, and give him Flavia:
Whereof I, warn'd, wrong'd you instead of Trincalo.
Ant. Then hence it came they call'd me Trincalo,
And talk'd of an astrologer; which names
Almost enrag'd me past myself and senses.
'Tis true I promis'd, but have oft repented it;
And much more since he goes about to cheat me.
He must not have her, sir.
Lel. I am glad y' are so resolv'd.
And since with us you find that match unequal,
Let's all entreat you to bestow your daughter
Upon his son Eugenio.
Ant. Son, at your pleasure,
Dispose of Flavia with my full consent.
Lel. And as you judge him worthy your daughter Flavia,
Think me no less of his Sulpitia.
Ant. I do, and ever had desire to match
Into that family; and now I find myself
Old, weak, unfit for marriage, you shall enjoy her,
If I can work Pandolfo by entreaty.
Cri. To deal with him with reason and entreaties,
Is to persuade a madman: for his love
Makes him no less. All speeches opposite
T' his fix'd desire and love-corrupted judgment
Seem extreme fooleries. Will he consent
To give his daughter to your son, and you
Deny him Flavia? Shall Eugenio
Expect or land or love from old Pandolfo,
Being his open rival? 'Tis impossible.
He sought to cosen [mislead by means of a petty trick or fraud; deceive; persuade or induce to do something by cajoling or wheedling.] you; therefore resolve
To pay him in's own money. Be but advis'd
By my poor counsel, and one stroke shall cut
The root of his designs, and with his arrows
Strike his own plot so dead, that ev'n Albumazar,
With all his stars and instruments, shall never
Give it fresh motion.
Ant. Cricca, to thy direction
We yield ourselves; manage us at thy pleasure.
Lel. Speak quickly, Cricca.
Cri. The ground of all this business
Is to catch Trincalo, and lock him fast,
Till I release him: next, that no man whisper
Th' least word of your return. Then will I home,
And with a cheerful look tell my old master,
That Trincalo—but stay, look where he comes!
Let's in, and there at leisure I'll inform you
From point to point. Lelio, detain him here,
Till I send Armellina down to second you.
Cross him in nothing; call him Antonio,
And good enough.
Lel. Fear not: let me alone.
[Exeunt Cricca and Antonio.
SCENE X.
Trincalo, Lelio.
Trin. This rascal Cricca, with his arguments
Of malice, so disturbs my gentle thoughts,
That I half doubt I am not what I seem:
But that will soon be clear'd; if they receive me
In at Antonio's house, I am Antonio.
Lel. Signior Antonio, my most loving father!
Bless'd be the day and hour of your return.
Trin. Son Lelio! a blessing on my child; I pray thee, tell me
How fares my servant Armellina? well?
Lel. Have you forgot my sister Flavia?
Trin. What, my dear daughter Flavia? No: but first
Call Armellina; for this day we'll celebrate
A gleek of marriages: Pandolfo and Flavia,
Sulpitia and myself, and Trincalo
With Armellina. Call her, good Lelio, quickly.
[Exit.
Trin. So: this is well, that Lelio
Confesses me his father. Now I am perfect—
Perfect Antonio.
SCENE XI.
Armellina, Trincalo.
Arm. Signior Antonio!
My long-expected master!
Trin. O Armellina!
Come, let me kiss thy brow like my own daughter.
Arm. Sir, 'tis too great a favour. I kiss your foot.
What, fall'n? alas! how feeble you are grown
With your long travel!
Trin. True, and being drown'd,
Nothing so griev'd me as to lose thy company:
But, since I am safe return'd, for thy good service
I'll help thee to a husband.
Arm. A husband, sir?
Some young and lusty youth, or else I'll none.
Trin. To one that loves thee dearly, dearly, wench:
A goodly man, like me in limbs and fashion.
Arm. Fie, an old man! how! cast myself away,
And be no nurse but his?
Trin. He's not like me
In years and gravity, but fair proportion;
A handsome, well-set man as I.
Arm. His name?
Trin. 'Tis Tom Trincalo of Totnam.
Arm. Signior Pandolfo's lusty farmer?
Trin. That's he.
Arm. Most unexpected happiness! 'tis the man
I more esteem than my own life: sweet master,
Procure that match, and think me satisfied
For all my former service without wages.
But, ah! I fear you jest. My poor unworthiness
Hopes not so great a fortune as sweet Trincalo.
No, wretched Armellina, in and despair:
Back to thy mournful dresser; there lament
Thy flesh to kitchen-stuff, and bones to ashes,
For love of thy sweet farmer.
Trin. Alas! poor soul,
How prettily she weeps for me! Wilt see him?
Arm. My soul waits in my eyes, and leaves my body
Senseless.
Trin. Then swear to keep my counsel.
Arm. I swear
By th' beauteous eyes of Trincalo.
Trin. Why, I am Trincalo.
Arm. Your worship, sir! why do you flout your servant,
Right worshipful Antonio, my reverend master?
Trin. Pox of Antonio! I am Tom Trincalo.
Why laugh'st thou?
Arm. 'Tis desire and joy
To see my sweetest.
Trin. Look upon me, and see him.
Arm. I say I see Antonio, and none other.
Trin. I am within, thy love; without, thy master.
Th' astrologer transform'd me for a day.
Arm. Mock not your poor maid, pray you, sir.
Trin. I do not.
Now would I break this head against the stones,
To be unchang'd; fie on this gentry! it sticks
Like birdlime or the pox. I cannot part with't:
Within I am still thy farmer Trincalo.
Arm. Then must I wait, till old Antonio
Be brought to bed of a young Trincalo;
Or flay you, and strip you to yourself again.
Trin. Carry me to your chamber. Try me there.
Arm. O, sir, by no means; but with my lovely farmer
I'd stay all night, and thank him.
Trin. Cross misfortune!
Accurs'd Albumazar and mad Pandolfo!
To change me thus, that, when I most desire
To be myself, I cannot. Armellina,
Fetch me a looking-glass.
Arm. To what end?
Trin. Fetch one.
Let my old master's business sink or swim,
This sweet occasion must not be neglected.
Now shall I know th' astrologer's skill. O wonderful!
Admir'd Albumazar in two transmutations!
Here's my old farmer's face. How in an instant
I am unchang'd, that was so long a-changing!
Here's my flat nose again, &c.
Now, Armellina, take thy lov'd Trincalo
To thy desired embracements; use thy pleasure,
Kiss him thy bellyful.
Arm. Not here in public.
T' enjoy too soon what pleaseth, is unpleasant:
The world would envy that my happiness.
Go in, I'll follow you, and in my bedchamber
We'll consummate the match in privacy.
Trin. Was not the face I wore far worse than this?
But for thy comfort, wench, Albumazar
Hath dyed my thoughts so deep i' th' grain of gentry,
'Tis not a glass can rob me of my good fashions
And gentleman-like garb. Follow, my dear.
Arm. I'll follow you. So, now y' are fast enough.
Trin. Help, Armellina, help! I am fall'n i' th' cellar:
Bring a fresh plantain leaf, I have broke my shin.
Arm. Thus have I caught m' a husband in a trap,
And in good earnest mean to marry him.
'Tis a tough clown, and lusty: he works day and night;
And rich enough for me, that have no portion
But my poor service. Well, he's something foolish;
The better can I domineer, and rule him
At pleasure. That's the mark and utmost height
We women aim at. I am resolv'd I'll have him.
SCENE XII.
Lelio, Cricca.
Lel. In, Armellina; lock up Trincalo.
Arm. I will, sir.
[Exit.
Lel. Cricca, for this thy counsel, if't succeed,
Fear not thy master's anger: I'll prefer thee,
And count thee as my genius or good fortune.
Cri. It cannot choose but take. I know his humour;
And can at pleasure feather him with hopes,
Making him fly what pitch I wish, and stoop,
When I show fowl.
Lel. But for the suit of clothes?
Cri. I'll throw them o'er your garden-wall.
Away.
Haste to Eugenio and Sulpitia,
Acquaint them with the business.
Lel. I go.
SCENE XIII.
Lelio, Sulpitia.
Lel. The hopeful issue of thy counsel, Cricca,
Brightens this ev'ning, and makes it more excel
The clearest day, than a grey morning doth
The blindest midnight, raising my amorous thoughts
To such a pitch of joy, that riches, honour,
And other pleasures, to Sulpitia's love
Appear like mole-hills to the moon.
Sul. Lelio!
Lel. O, there's the voice that in one note contains
All chords of music: how gladly she'll embrace
The news I give her and the messenger!
Sul. Soft, soft, y' are much mistaken; for in earnest,
I am angry, Lelio, and with you.
Lel. Sweetest, those flames
Rise from the fire of love, and soon will quench
I' th' welcome news I bring you.
Sul. Stand still, I charge you
By th' virtue of my lips; speak not a syllable,
As you expect a kiss should close my choler;
For I must chide you.
Lel. O my Sulpitia!
Were every speech a pistol charg'd with death,
I'd stand them all in hope of that condition.
Sul. First, sir, I hear you teach Eugenio
Too grave a wariness in your sister's love,
And kill his honest forwardness of affection
With your far-fet respects, suspicions, fears:
You have your maybes—"This is dangerous:
That course were better; for if so, and yet
Who knows? the event is doubtful; be advis'd,
'Tis a young rashness: your father is your father;
Take leisure to consider." Thus y' have consider'd
Poor Flavia almost to her grave. Fie, Lelio!
Had this my smallness undertook the business,
And done no more in four short winter's days
Than you in four months, I'd have vowed my maidenhead
To th' living tomb of a sad nunnery;
Which for your sake I loathe.
Lel. Sweet, by your favour——
Sul. Peace, peace: now y' are so wise, as if ye had eaten
Nothing but brains and marrow of Machiavel:
You tip your speeches with Italian motti [mottos],
Spanish refranes, and English quoth he's. Believe me,
There's not a proverb salts your tongue, but plants
Whole colonies of white hairs. O, what a business
These hands must have when you have married me,
To pick out sentences that over-year you!
Lel. Give me but leave.
Sul. Have I a lip? and you
Made sonnets on't? 'tis your fault, for otherwise
Your sister and Eugenio had been sure
Long time ere this.
Lel. But——
Sul. Stay, your cue's not come yet.
I hate as perfectly this grey-green of yours,
As Old Antonio's green-grey. Fie! wise lovers
Are most absurd. Were I not full resolved,
I should begin to cool mine own affection.
For shame, consider well your sister's temper.
Her melancholy may much hurt her. Respect her,
Or, spite of mine own love, I'll make you stay
Six months before you marry me.
[Lelio whispers.
This your so happy news? return'd, and safe?
Antonio yet alive?
[Lelio whispers.
And what then?
[Lelio whispers.
Well; all your business must be compassed
With winding plots and cunning stratagems.
Look to't; for if we be not married ere next morning,
By the great love that's hid in this small compass,
Flavia and myself will steal you both away,
To your eternal shame and foul discredit.
[Exit.
Lel. How prettily this lovely littleness
In one breath pleads her own cause and my sister's!
Chides me, and loves. This is that pleasing temper
I more admire than a continued sweetness
That over-satisfies: 'tis salt I love, not sugar.
[Exit.
ACT V., SCENE I.
Albumazar, Ronca, Furbo, Harpax.
Alb. How? not a single share of this great prize,
That have deserv'd the whole? was't not my plot
And pains, and you mere instruments and porters?
Shall I have nothing?
Ron. No, not a silver spoon.
Fur. Nor cover of a trencher-salt.
Har. Nor table-napkin.
Alb. Friends, we have kept an honest truth and faith
Long time amongst us: break not the sacred league,
By raising civil theft: turn not your fury
'Gainst your own bowels. Rob your careful master!
Are you not asham'd?
Ron. 'Tis our profession,
As yours astrology. "And in the days of old,
Good morrow, thief, as welcome was receiv'd,
As now Your worship." 'Tis your own instruction.
Fur. "The Spartans held it lawful, and th' Arabians,
So grew Arabia happy, Sparta valiant."
Har. "The world's a theatre of theft: great rivers
Rob smaller brooks; and them the ocean."
Alb. Have not I wean'd you up from petty larceny,
Dangerous and poor, and nurs'd you to full strength
Of safe and gainful theft? by rules of art
And principles of cheating made you as free
From taking as you went invisible;
And do ye thus requite me? this the reward
For all my watchful care?
Ron. We are your scholars,
Made by your help and our own aptness able
To instruct others. 'Tis the trade we live by.
You that are servant to divine astrology,
Do something worth her livery: cast figures,
Make almanacs for all meridians.
Fur. Sell perspicils and instruments of hearing:
Turn clowns to gentlemen; buzzards to falcons,
'ur-dogs to greyhounds; kitchen-maids to ladies.
Har. Discover more new stars and unknown planets:
Vent them by dozens, style them by the names
Of men that buy such ware. Take lawful courses,
Rather than beg.
Alb. Not keep your honest promise?
Ron. "Believe none, credit none: for in this city
No dwellers are but cheaters and cheatees."
Alb. You promis'd me the greatest share.
Ron. Our promise!
If honest men by obligations
And instruments of law are hardly constrain'd
T' observe their word, can we, that make profession
Of lawless courses, do't?
Alb. Amongst ourselves!
Falcons, that tyrannise o'er weaker fowl,
Hold peace with their own feathers.
Har. But when they counter
Upon one quarry, break that league, as we do.
Alb. At least restore the ten pound in gold I lent you.
Ron. "'Twas lent in an ill second, worser third,
And luckless fourth:" 'tis lost, Albumazar.
Fur. Saturn was in ascension, Mercury
Was then combust, when you delivered it.
'Twill never be restor'd.
Ron. "Hali, Abenezra,
Hiarcha, Brachman, Budda Babylonicus,"
And all the Chaldees and the Cabalists,
Affirm that sad aspect threats loss of debts.
Har. Frame by your azimuth Almicantarath,
An engine like a mace, whose quality
Of strange retractive virtue may recall
Desperate debts, and with that undo serjeants.
Alb. Was ever man thus baited by's own whelps?
Give me a slender portion, for a stock
To begin trade again.
Ron. 'Tis an ill course,
And full of fears. This treasure hath enrich'd us,
And given us means to purchase and live quiet
Of th' fruit of dangers past. When I us'd robbing,
All blocks before me look'd like constables,
And posts appear'd in shape of gallowses;
Therefore, good tutor, take your pupil's counsel:
'Tis better beg than steal; live in poor clothes
Than hang in satin.
Alb. Villains, I'll be reveng'd,
And reveal all the business to a justice!
Ron. Do, if thou long'st to see thy own anatomy.
Alb. This treachery persuades me to turn honest.
Fur. Search your nativity; see if the Fortunates
And Luminaries be in a good aspect,
And thank us for thy life. Had we done well,
We had cut thy throat ere this.
Alb. Albumazar,
Trust not these rogues: hence, and revenge.
Ron. Fellows, away; here's company. Let's hence.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Cricca, Pandolfo.
Cri. Now, Cricca, mask thy countenance in joy;
Speak welcome language of good news, and move
Thy master, whose desires are credulous,
To believe what thou giv'st him. If thy design
Land at the haven 'tis bound for, then Lelio,
Eugenio, and their mistresses, are oblig'd
By oath t' assure a state of forty pounds
Upon thee for thy life.
Pan. I long to know
How my good farmer speeds; how Trincalo
Hath been receiv'd by Lelio.
Cri. Where shall I find him?
What we most seek still flies us; what's avoided,
Follows or meets us full. I am emboss'd
With trotting all the streets to find Pandolfo,
And bless him with good news.
Pan. This haste of Cricca
Abodes some good: doubtless my Trincalo,
Receiv'd for Antonio, hath given me Flavia.
Cricca!
Cri. Neither in Paul's, at home, nor in the Exchange,
Nor where he uses to converse! he's lost,
And must be cried.
Pan. Turn hither, Cricca; Cricca,
Seest me not?
Cri. Sir, the news, and haste to tell it,
Had almost blinded me. 'Tis so fortunate,
I dare not pour it all at once upon you,
Lest you should faint, and swoon away with joy:
Your transform'd Trincalo——
Pan. What news of him?
Cri. Enter'd as owner in Antonio's house——
Pan. On.
Cri. Is acknowledg'd by his daughter Flavia
And Lelio for their father.
Pan. Quickly, good Cricca!
Cri. And hath sent me in haste to bid you——
Pan. What?
Cri. Come with your son Eugenio——
Pan. And then?
Cri. That he may be a witness of your marriage.
But, sir, I see no signs of so large gladness
As I expected and this news deserv'd.
Pan. 'Tis here, 'tis here, within: all outward symptoms
And characters of joy are poor expressions
Of my great inward happiness. My heart's full,
And cannot vent the passions. Run, Cricca, run:
Run, as thou lov'st me; call Eugenio,
And work him to my purpose: thou canst do it.
Haste, call him instantly.
Cri. I fly, sir.
[Exit.
SCENE III.
Pandolfo.
How shall I recompense this astrologer,
This great Albumazar, through whose learned hands
Fortune hath prov'd th' effect of my best wishes,
And crown'd my hopes? Give him this chain?
Alas!
'Tis a poor thanks, short by a thousand links
Of his large merit. No, he must live with me
And my sweet Flavia at his ease and pleasure,
Wanting for nothing: and this very night
I'll get a boy, and he erect a figure
To calculate his fortunes. So, there's Trincalo
Antoniated, or Antonio Intrinculate.
SCENE IV.
Antonio, Pandolfo, Lelio, Eugenio.
Ant. Signior Pandolfo! welcome.
Lel. Your servant, sir.
Pan. Well-met, Antonio; my prayers and wishes
Have waited on you ever.
Ant. Thanks, dearest friend.
To speak my danger pass'd were to discourse
Of dead men at a feast. Such sad relations
Become not marriages. Sir, I am here
Return'd to do you service. Where's your son?
Pan. He'll wait upon you presently.
Eug. Signior Antonio!
Happily welcome.
Ant. Thanks, Eugenio.
How think you, gentlemen: were it amiss
To call down Flavia and Sulpitia,
That what we do may with a full consent
Be entertain'd of all?
Pan. 'Tis well-remember'd.
Eugenio, call your sister.
Ant. Lelio, call my daughter.
[Exeunt Lelio and Eugenio.
SCENE V.
Pandolfo, Antonio.
Pan. Wisely consider'd, Trincalo; 'tis a fair prologue
To the comedy ensuing. Now I confess
Albumazar had equal power to change
And mend thy understanding with thy body.
Let me embrace and hug thee for this service:
'Tis a brave onset: O my sweet Trincalo!
Ant. How like you the beginning?
Pan. 'Tis o' th' further side
All expectation.
Ant. Was't not right, and spoken
Like old Antonio?
Pan. 'Tis most admirable!
Were't he himself that spoke, he could not better't.
And for thy sake I wish Antonio's shape
May ever be thy house, and's wit thy inmate.
But where's my plate and cloth of silver?
Ant. Safe.
Pan. They come. Keep state, keep state, or all's discover'd.
SCENE VI.
Antonio, Pandolfo, Eugenio, Lelio, Flavia, Sulpitia.
Ant. Eugenio, Flavia, Lelio, and Sulpitia,
Marriages, once confirm'd and consummate,
Admit of no repentance. Therefore 'tis fitting
All parties with full freedom speak their pleasure,
Before it be too late.
Pan. Good! excellent!
Ant. Speak boldly, therefore. Do you willingly
Give full authority, that what I decree
Touching these businesses, you'll all perform?
Eug. I rest as you dispose: what you determine,
With my best power I ratify; and Sulpitia,
I dare be bold to promise, says no less.
Sul. Whate'er my father, brother, and yourself
Shall think convenient, pleaseth me.
Lel. In this,
As in all other service, I commit myself
To your commands; and so, I hope, my sister.
Fla. With all obedience: sir, dispose of me
As of a child that judgeth nothing good,
But what you shall approve.
Ant. And you, Pandolfo?
Pan. I, most of all. And for you know the minds
Of youth are apt to promise, and as prone
To repent after, 'tis my advice they swear
T' observe, without exception, your decree.
Fla. Content.
Sul. Content.
Pan. By all the powers that hear
Oaths, and rain vengeance upon broken faith,
I promise to confirm and ratify
Your sentence.
Lel. Sir, I swear no less.
Eug. Nor I.
Fla. The selfsame oath binds me.
Sul. And me the same.
Pan. Now, dear Antonio, all our expectation
Hangs at your mouth. None of us can appeal
From you to higher courts.
Ant. First, for preparative
Or slight præludium to the greater matches,
I must entreat you, that my Armellina
Be match'd with Trincalo. Two hundred crowns
I give her for her portion.
Pan. 'Tis done. Some relics
Of his old clownery and dregs o' th' country
Dwell in him still. How careful he provides
For himself first. [Aside.] Content: and more, I grant him
A lease for twenty pounds a year.
Ant. I thank you.
Gentlemen, since I feel myself much broken
With age and my late miseries, and too cold
To entertain new heat, I freely yield
Sulpitia, whom I lov'd, to my son Lelio.
Pan. How cunningly hath the farmer provided
T' observe the 'semblance of Antonio's person,
And keep himself still free for Armellina!
Ant. Signior Pandolfo, y' are wise, and understand
How ill hot appetites of unbridled youth
Become grey hairs. How grave and honourable
Were't for your age to be enamour'd
With the fair shape of virtue and the glory
Of our forefathers! Then would you blush to think
How by this dotage and unequal love
You stain their honour and your own. Awake!
Banish those wild affections, and by my example
Turn t' your reposed self.
Pan. To what purpose, pray you,
Serves this long proem? on to th' sentence.
Ant. Sir,
Conformity of years, likeness of manners,
Are Gordian knots that bind up matrimony:
Now, betwixt seventy winters and sixteen
There's no proportion, nor least hope of love.
Fie! that a gentleman of your discretion,
Crown'd with such reputation in your youth,
Should in your western days lose th' good opinion
Of all your friends, and run to th' open danger
Of closing the weak remnant of your days
With discontentment unrecoverable.
Pan. Rack me no more; pray you, let's hear the sentence.
Note how the ass would fright me, and endear
His service: intimating that his pow'r
May overthrow my hopes. [Aside.] Proceed to th' sentence.
Ant. These things consider'd, I bestow my daughter
Upon your son Eugenio, whose constant love,
With his so modest carriage, hath deserv'd her;
And, that you freeze not for a bed-fellow,
I marry you with patience.
Pan. Treacherous villain!
Accursed Trincalo! [Aside.] I'll—— But this no place;
He's too well back'd; but shortly, when the date
Of his Antonioship's expir'd, revenge
Shall sweeten this disgrace.
Ant. Signior Pandolfo,
When you recover yourself, lost desperately
In disproportion'd dotage, then you'll thank me
For this great favour. Be not obstinate:
Disquiet not yourself.
Pan. I thank you, sir.
[Exeunt all but Pandolfo.
SCENE VII.
Pandolfo.
And that you freeze not for a bed-fellow,
I marry you with patience! Traitorous villain!
Is't not enough to wrong me and betray me,
But 't must be done with scoffs? accursed Trincalo!
And me most miserable that, when I thought
T' embrace young Flavia, see her before my face
Bestow'd upon my son! my son—my rival!
This is Eugenio's plot and his friend Lelio's;
Who, with my servant Cricca, have conspir'd,
And suborn'd Trincalo to betray his master.
Why do I rage 'gainst any but myself,
That have committed such a serious business
To th' hands of a base clown and ignorant?
I see mine error, but no means to help it.
Only the sweetness of revenge is left me,
Which I must execute: th' hours of's gentry
Are now clean spent. I'll home, and there attend him.
[Exit.
SCENE VIII.
Trincalo drunk, but something recovered.
Trin. Welcome, old trusty Trincalo; good farmer, welcome! Give me thy hand; we must not part hereafter. Fie, what a trouble 'tis to be out of a man's self! If gentlemen have no pleasure but what I felt to-day, a team of horses shall not drag me out of my profession. There's nothing amongst them but borrowing, compounding for half their debts, and have their purse cut for the rest; cozened by whores, frighted with husbands, washed in wet hogsheads, cheated of their clothes, and falling in cellars for conclusion.
SCENE IX.
Pandolfo at the window, Trincalo.
Pan. O precious piece of villany! are you unchang'd?
How confident the rogue dares walk the streets!
Trin. And then such quarrelling! never a suit
I wore to-day but hath been soundly basted: only
this faithful country-case 'scaped fist-free; and, be
it spoken in a good hour, was never beaten yet,
since it came from fulling.
Pan. Base, treacherous villain!
[Beats him.
Trin. Is this the recompense of my day's work?
Pan. You marry me to patience! there's patience,
And that you freeze not, there's warm patience,
She's a good bed-fellow: have patience.
Trin. You'll beat me out on't, sir. How have I wrong'd you?
Pan. So as deserves th' expression of my fury,
With th' cruel'st tortures I can execute.
Trin. You kill me, sir.
Pan. Have patience.
Trin. Pray you, sir!
Pan. Seek not by humble penitence t' appease me:
Nothing can satisfy.
Trin. Farewell, humility;
Now am I beaten sober.
[Takes away Pandolfo's staff.
Shall age and weakness master my youth and strength?
Now speak your pleasure: what's my fault?
Pan. Dar'st deny
Thy own act, done before so many witnesses,
Suborn'd by others, and betray my confidence
With such a stony impudence?
Trin. I have been faithful
In all you trusted me.
Pan. To them, not me.
O, what a proem, stuff'd with grave advice
And learned counsel, you could show'r upon me
Before the thunder of your deadly sentence!
And give away my mistress with a scoff!
Trin. I give your mistress?
Pan. Didst not thou decree,
Contrary t' our compact, against my marriage?
Trin. Why, when was I your judge?
Pan. Just now here.
Trin. See your error!
Then was I fast lock'd in Antonio's cellar:
Where, making virtue of necessity,
I drank stark drunk, and waking, found myself
Cloth'd in this farmer's suit, as in the morning.
Pan. Didst not thou swear to enter Antonio's house,
And give me Flavia for my wife, and after,
Before my own face, gav'st her to my son?
Trin. Ha, ha, ha!
[Whilst Trincalo laughs and lets fall the staff, Pandolfo recovers it, and beats him.
Pan. Canst thou deny it?
Trin. Ha, ha, ha!
Have you got Mistress Patience? Ha, ha, ha!
Pan. Is not this true?
Trin. Ha, ha, ha!
Pan. Answer me.
Trin. Ha, ha, ha wan!
Pan. Was't not thus?
Trin. I answer: first,
I never was transform'd,
But gull'd, as you were, by th' astrologer,
And those that called me Antonio. To prove
This true, the gentleman you spoke with was Antonio—
The right Antonio, safely return'd from Barbary.
Pan. O me, what's this?
Trin. Truth itself.
Pan. Was't not thou that gav'st the sentence?
Trin. Believe me, no such matter:
I ne'er was gentleman, nor otherwise
Than what I am, unless 'twere when I was drunk.
Pan. How have I been deceiv'd! good Trincalo,
Pardon me, I have wrong'd thee.
Trin. Pardon you?
When you have beaten me to paste, Good Trincalo,
Pardon me!
Pan. I am sorry for't; excuse me.
Trin. I am sorry I can't excuse you. But I pardon you.
Pan. Now tell me, where's the plate and cloth of silver,
The gold and jewels, that the astrologer
Committed to thy keeping?
Trin. What plate, what jewels?
He gave me none. But, when he went to change me,
After a thousand circles and ceremonies,
He binds me fast upon a form, and blinds me
With a thick table-napkin. Not long after
Unbinds my head and feet, and gives me light;
And then I plainly saw that I saw nothing:
The parlour was clean swept of all was in't.
Pan. O me! O me!
Trin. What ails you, sir? what ails you?
Pan. I am undone! I have lost my love, my plate,
My whole estate, and with the rest myself.
Trin. Lose not your patience too. Leave this lamenting,
And lay the town; you may recover it.
Pan. 'Tis to small purpose. In, and hold thy peace.
[Exit Trincalo.
SCENE X.
Cricca, Pandolfo.
Cri. Where shall I find my master, to content him
With welcome news? he's here. News, news?
News of good fortune, joy, and happiness!
Pan. Cricca, my sadness is uncapable
Of better tidings: I am undone! most miserable!
Cri. Offend not your good luck, y' are now more fortunate
Than when you rose this morning: be merry, sir,
Cheer up yourself; y' have what you wish'd, fear nothing.
Pan. Maybe, Antonio newly repents himself,
With purpose to restore my Flavia.
Cricca, what is't? where's all this happiness?
Cri. Lock'd in Antonio's closet.
Pan. All alone?
Sure, that's my Flavia. Is not Eugenio
Suffer'd to enter?
Cri. Antonio keeps the key:
No creature enters but himself: all's safe,
And shall be so restor'd.
Pan. O my sweet Cricca!
Cri. And they that wrong'd you most extremely sorry,
Ready to yield you any satisfaction.
Pan. Is't possible they should so soon repent them,
That injur'd me so lately? tell me the manner
That caus'd them see their error.
Cri. I'll tell you, sir:
Being just now at old Antonio's house,
One thunders at the back-door, enters, presses
To speak in private with young Lelio;
Was instantly admitted: and think you, who?
'Twas your astrologer Albumazar.
When he had spoke awhile, Lelio and Antonio
In haste command me fetch a constable.
Pan. How can this story touch my happiness?
Cri. I up and down, through slimy ale-houses,
Cloudy tobacco-shops and vapouring taverns,
My mouth full of inquiry, at last found one.
Pan. What of all this? Is't possible a constable
Concerns my good?
Cri. And, following my directions,
Went to a tippling-house, where we took drinking
Three handsome fellows with a great chest, attach'd them,
And brought all to Antonio.
Pan. Well, what then?
Cri. These were the astrologer's intelligences that
Robb'd you through the south window.
Pan. I thought thou hadst spoke
Of Flavia's restoring.
Cri. I mean your plate
And treasure. Pray you, sir, is't not great happiness
To reobtain three thousand pounds in value,
Desperately lost? and you still doat and dream
Of Flavia who, by your own consent
And oath, is promised to your son Eugenio.
Pan. Forward.
Cri. Within this chest Antonio found your plate,
Gold jewels, cloth of silver, nothing perish'd,
But all safe lock'd, till you acknowledge it.
And since Albumazar of his own accord
Freely confess'd, and safe restor'd your treasure;
Since 'tis a day of jubilee and marriage,
Antonio would entreat you to release
And pardon the astrologer: thanking your fortune,
That hath restor'd you to your wealth and self.
Both which were lost i' th' foolish love of Flavia.
Pan. Reason hath clear'd my sight, and drawn the veil,
Of dotage, that so dark'd my understanding.
I clearly see the slavery of affections;
And how unsuitable my declining years
Are for the dawning youth of Flavia.
Let the best joys of Hymen compass her
And her young husband (my Eugenio),
With full content. And since Albumazar
By accident caus'd all this happiness,
I freely pardon him and his companions;
And haste to assist the marriages and feasts.
Cri. Why, now you show yourself a worthy gentleman.
[Exit Pandolfo.
SCENE XI.
Trincalo, Cricca.
Tri. Cricca, I overheard your news: all parts are pleas'd
Except myself. Is there no news for Trincalo?
Cri. Know'st it not? in and see: Antonio
Hath given thee Armellina with a portion—
Two hundred crowns; and old Pandolfo bound
By oath t' assure thee twenty pounds a year
For three lives.
Trin. Ha!
Cri. Come in.
Trin. I'll follow.
EPILOGUE
[Spoken by Trincalo].
Two hundred crowns? and twenty pound a year
For three good lives? Cargo hai, Trincalo!
My wife's extremely busy, dressing the supper
For these great marriages, and I not idle,
So that I cannot entertain you here,
As I would elsewhere. But if you come to Totnam
Some four days hence, and ask for Trincalo,
At th' sign o' th' Hogshead, I'll mortgage all my lives
To bid you welcome. You that love Trincalo,
And mean to meet, clap hands, and make 't a bargain.