charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:43 am

Donna Barstow interview.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 6, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/06/d ... xclude=289

Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.

Me: So why did you want to hire me?

Donna: These guys at Something Awful are terrible people and need to be taught a lesson. They’ve called me racist and other defamatory terms.

Me: What defamation have you faced?

Donna: Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.

Me: That’s reprehensible.

Donna: Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.

Me: Isn’t that a crime?

Donna: That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.

Me: It seems anyone can pretend to be a lawyer nowadays.

Donna: So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?

Me: First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.

Donna: What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?

Me: Then I will sue them.

Donna: What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?

Me: You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.

Donna: Uh…

Me: Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?

Donna: I’m not sure if I am okay with that.

Me: Oh never mind, Tara can do that.

Donna: I need to go now…

Me: Okay see you soon!

I think that went well.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me ]
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:43 am

Democracy!
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 7, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/07/democracy/

Due to an overwhelming majority vote there will now be an Ask Charles section for real! Here are the official results for my question “Do you want an actual ‘Ask Charles’ section”:

Yes, please do so as the Charles Carreon Esq. character. 71.89% (463 votes)

Yes, but I’d rather you do it as the actual author. 7.45% (48 votes)

No. That’s a stupid idea. You now owe me dinosaurs for your ridiculousness. 20.65% (133 votes)


So send me your questions (satiricalcharles@gmail.com) and I’ll reply to them as Charles Carreon in posts when I get enough. This will be a regular section on this blog and you can ask really about anything. Try not to be too lewd though, it makes me uncomfortable thinking about Mr. Carreon that way. Seriously. I get kind of sick.

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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:44 am

Rapeutation
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 7, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/07/rapeutation/

Rapeutation: 1. noun, what an individual subjected to a DIRA ends up with, in place of a reputation, e.g., “We know him by rapeutation;” “Your rapeutation precedes you.” 2. the act of starting or carrying on a DIRA “The rapeutation starts at 14:00 sharp.”

Rapeutationist: 1. noun, one who initiates, conducts, or participates in a rapeutation.


So I have been getting some feedback about my new term “rapeutation” and I’ll admit maybe I should have gone with a better term. However, I’m a rapeutation survivor and I need to speak about it! I won’t just go around with the shame any more. I had to name it. I guess likening people on the internet making fun of me to rape might have been a bit off. However I really feel that the mean words said about me are exactly the same as being forcefully penetrated by another human being. It’s totally the same. So stop your whining. You rape victims don’t know how I feel! In fact if you keep emailing me about this new term, I will sue you for Tyrannosaurus Rexes. I am sick of everything I do on the internet exploding in my face.

Rapeutation Survivor,

Charles Carreon Esq.
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:44 am

Date Rapeutation
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 8, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/08/d ... xclude=338

Date Rapeutation: 1. noun, what an individual subjected to a DIRA ends up with, in place of a reputation, e.g., “We know him by rapeutation;” “I heard you like to take ladies out and not pick up the tab. Your rapeutation precedes you.” 2. the act of starting or carrying on a DIRA “The rapeutation starts at 14:00 sharp.” When specifically applied to a dating website social circle i.e. Match.com

Date Rapeutationist: 1. noun, one who initiates, conducts, or participates in date rapeutation.


I was skimming through a dating website and realized there are a lot of guys out there who don’t know how to deal with ladies like I do. These poor schmucks go around making asses of themselves until they one day realize how to be a proper human being. However it is unfair that people then talk about how they,

1.Didn’t pay.

2.Expected sex at the end of the date.

3.Pulled the old “My car died in the woods, let me hold you close for safety.”

4.Couldn’t stop talking about their ex.

5.Couldn’t stop talking about their rash.

6.Asked improper questions like “What turns you on more…” on the way to dinner.

7.Showed off their Star War collection in detail including the boxers they were wearing at the time. (That’s a second date thing guys)

8.Drank milk through their nose and squirted it out their eye.

These poor men don’t need to be ridiculed, they need someone to defend them. That’s me. I’ve been through a lot these past few weeks and I think anyone who has suffered public embarrassment has been raped in a way. Anyone who says different is an idiot and owes me a dinosaur. You put yourself out there in the world and then people don’t like what you have to say, or what you want them not to say? Rape. Someone makes fun of your professional conduct? Rape. Someone doesn’t like that you didn’t pay for your date with them? You guessed it, rape. This is all rapeutation or date rapeutation. I will not stand by as fellow netizens are consistently rapeutated. It’s disgusting and unjust.

Remember readers, if you are suffering from rapeutation or it’s after effects, call 900-CAR-REON($4.99 per minute) for a free consultation about your possible compensation through litigation. Remember, even if you don’t have a case, I’ll manufacture one for you! We will shut down their speech and ride into the sunset on our T-Rexes!

The Great Rapeutational Shield,

Charles Carreon Esq.
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:44 am

Oh no, she bought more ammo…
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 8, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/08/o ... more-ammo/

The bad characters have been all over us for a long time now, ever since I shot my gun to warn off a trespassing CIA-Buddhist neighbor from an illustrious CIA family — father general counsel for the CIA, mother secretary of the OSS under Truman, entire family in the CIA — who was really pissing me off by messing with our gate


I told her only grown ups can use the firearms, she never listens. Now she’s shooting at strangers in the night, and people out there are sending me pizzas and Mormons? DO YOU WANT TO GET SOMEONE KILLED?! This is bad. Next thing you know the ATF is going to be circling our house ready with the tear gas. These Illuminati just can’t leave us alone can they? All a man wants is a Tyrannosaurus Rex and these things keeps happening to me!

Oh crap, she’s on the home shopping network and they’re selling rifles, I got to go. If I don’t post again, think kindly of me.

Charles Carreon Esq.
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:45 am

Be Heard Part 2
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 8, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/08/be-heard-part-2/

Another email from a reader.

I’m not so much writing this here because I am afraid, but more because I don’t know where else to put this.

I think it’s important that we shatter Carreon’s delusions about the world. He seems to believe that everyone who opposes him is some mindless being connected to The Oatmeal directly, much as everyone who supports him is some mindless (or utterly psychotic in the case of Tara) being connected to him. It’s a basic psychological fallacy to assume that your condition is a general condition of humans.

He does not seem to realize that his actions do violence not only against Matthew Inman, but humanity in general. He is sticking up for the principle that defamation laws should protect people’s reputations from their own actions. He is sticking up for the idea that speech is only OK if it’s attacking the right people or it doesn’t break some subjective barrier that some human is capable of arbitrating.

He and his wife seem to believe that their tastes should be used to determine whether speech is OK or not. Could you imagine a world where that happened, where Mr. Carreon is an arbiter of speech? I could print out pictures of Mr. Carreon, poop on one each day for a month, photograph them, and post them to a blog, and it would be infinitely more tasteful, clever, sane, intelligent, ethical, and lawful than anything he or his wife have said on this matter.

The point of this tirade is not to simply criticize Mr. Carreon’s actions further, as I think he has received enough criticism for the “merits” of his individual actions. The point of this is to point out that Carreon is not simply an enemy of The Oatmeal and his imaginary zombie followers. He is not simply an enemy of some imaginary monolithic consensus on the internet. He is an enemy of mankind, whose actions are a tyrannical abuse of process that, if generally successful, could crush free exchange of ideas at taxpayer expense, allowing any common thug who went to law school to control social change, technological advances, and criticism of unethical government entities or corporations. In fact, legislatures have specifically enacted laws to make such abuses easier to identify and crush early on. Somehow it is a mystery that anyone would oppose his actions.

Does Mr. Carreon respond to the notion that his actions are illegal? From what I have seen, he seems to believe that a number of circumstances here override the rule of law. He seems to imply that The Oatmeal’s “Your Mom” joke directed to his client was so offensive and unethical that it overrides the rule of law, or had some magical power to dehumanize him that clearly incited people to take illegal action against him despite the very strict legal definition of incitement (designed to protect people from lawyers like Carreon). He implies that being angry, donating ten dollars to an art project, and having a law degree makes him the attorney general or otherwise some kind of prosecutor. He implies not only that the government should “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions in this matter, but that he, some dude with a law degree far from the influence of voters, should be able to “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions. He thinks that the fact that he doesn’t like someone and that they *could* be doing something unethical and/or illegal is evidence that they are and cause to put a restraining order on them (or he is willfully trying to abuse the system, which is quite probable).

Did he admit defeat when a bunch of humiliating briefs pointed out that he had no case? Nope. He claimed victory, asserting that the checks going where they were supposed to go all along was all he ever wanted, despite the fact that he used this frivolous case as a vehicle to get his even more frivolous incitement case to court. This is why I feel the need to crush his delusions of grandeur. The best way to do this would probably be for the courts to award Rule 11 damages on this case, although I’m not sure who should seek them. Unlike Carreon, the people he harasses have lives. Becoming permanently disbarred would probably be good for him. I feel like if anything can make him snap out of this, it’s some condemnation from the judicial system.

Mr. Carreon: You are not above the law, as you seem to believe. You are not Batman. You are some thug with a law degree. Not even Ralph Nader is enough of a nut to support you on this matter (although, were he, that still wouldn’t help your case). By the way, did you get any response from him regarding your request to forward your lawless threats to him? I’d love to read it.


As far as I know Ralph Nader has not gotten back to Mr. Carreon. I doubt many people who have such people seemingly obsessed with them do.
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:46 am

Bang?
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 9, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/09/bang/

Did you think I wanted to become a deity? OMG, that is SO male! Spare me the maleness of this world. I’d get rid of you ALL if I could. I wouldn’t leave a one of you. I told that to Charles the other night, and he got a hurt look on his face. He said, “You wouldn’t even save the best man of all?” I said, “No fucking way. You’re still a man.” I said it with a lot of force so that that would be the end of it. But no, he’s got to shout me down. He’s always got a sneaky, smart-stupid comeback. He lives on the strategists. He says, “Well, there are no girls who are any better.” Fucker, he won the argument this time. But he can’t even begin to compare to my win rate. I’ve been winning my whole life. He’s been winning to, but between the two of us, I have the upper hand. He had the upper hand during the first 30 years of our marriage. But I’m going to make sure we go out with a BANG!


Yeah best night ever. First I come home from a hard day of dinolitigation(R) and then my wife of 38 years says to me “I wish all men including you were dead.” Great. That’s how you really want to walk in the front door of your home after a long day. “Hey hun how was your day? Not that I care, wish you were dead, ok?” I mean why not just kick me in the nuts and spit in my eye while you at it. So I told her she was the best ever and I wanted nothing but her. Then she goes and turns that around on me, suddenly I am Emanuel Lasker. So yeah, I slept on the couch and that was that.

I wake up today thinking it’s all blown over and start looking at her website naderlibrary, which I try to avoid because, wow that’s some batshit crazy stuff right? Anyways, then I see this bullshit. Like what the hell? First she’s all bad mouthing me to the Illuminati who read her site, then she goes and says “I’m going to make sure we go out with a BANG!” Holy shit. Great. Just great. First I have the CIA, Mafia, NSA, FBI, ATF, NATO, Illuminati, and Nazis out to get me, and now my own wife is either going to BANG shoot me in the head or BANG fill our house up with gas in my sleep and light a match? Is it too much to ask for one decent night of sleep, a medicated wife, and a gosh darn Tyrannosaurus Rex? I don’t think so…

Hiding,

Charles Carreon Esq.
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:46 am

A business guide to trademarks on the internet.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 10, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/10/a ... -internet/

It really pisses me off when people go around using my name. It’s mine, haven’t they ever heard “That’s my name don’t wear it out?” For Buddha’s sake, if I wasn’t such a compassionate decent human being, I’d get angry. However why get angry when you can sue for trademark damages? You can’t just go around using someone’s name, especially to criticize them, that’s rapeutation. You can only use someone’s name to criticize or sell your own services if they’re dead. Profiting off of dead people’s names is just good business.

Examples:

Joey Ramone

Phillip Dick

Another good way to profit on the internet is to take something horrible and currently relative and link it to your services in order to garner attention. If the internet was around during the Holocaust, it would have been the prime time to register holocaust.com or gaschambers.com because people would naturally want to read about such topics. Then you could give them a brief article on your opinion about the Holocaust and try to sell them your services!

Example:

Catholic Sex Abuse

You see how I worked that? Amazing. When you’re hard up for clients like I am, every little trick helps. Another great trick that helps me direct traffic to my websites is buying domains to books I like. Then I can find other people who liked the book and hopefully they are just as batshit crazy as myself and Tara.

Example:

Child of Fortune by Norman Spinrad

Or you can go the old cybersquatter way and name a site similarly to another site that offers the same services as you.

Example:

Social Media Esq(Original) vs Media Esq(Me!)

See there friends, there are many ways you can profit off the internet in ways you probably could never imagine!

Your Faithful Defender,

Charles Carreon Esq.
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:47 am

How many times do I have to win?
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 10, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/10/h ... exclude=83

Jumping Buddha on a fence post, how many times do I have to beat Matthew Inman before he gets it in his head that all I do is win, win, win. I mean this guys stoops to taking a picture with his own money? Yeah right buddy, not charity money, anyone can whip up $211k of their own cash and take a picture… well… I mean… god damn it, that’s besides the point. IT WASN’T THE CHARITY MONEY BUDDY! You lose. I win. Always. Forever. Tomorrow. Today. Yesterday. Even when the Nazis dance on my grave, I’ve won. You didn’t. I stopped you from taking a picture with the real money. You know what else? This is what I think about your so called pictures you Pterodactyl Maniac:

Image

Hah! Revel in my ball hairs Matthew Inman. Revel. In. Them. You may have rapeutated me, but my quasi dick is about to smash you in that smug face of yours! Take that you Illuminati CIA scum!

Winner,

Charles Carreon Esq.

P.S. Do you think this letter will make me look strong to Tara? I don’t want here to make fun of me any more…
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Re: charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

Postby admin » Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:47 am

I have a dream.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 11, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/11/i-have-a-dream/

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I wrote a speech today for when I address the nation, as soon as Tara can hack into a satellite.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for dinosaurs in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great Illuminati Fighter, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Dino Cloning Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Rapeutation Survivors who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their DIRA.

But one hundred years later, the Carreon still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Carreon is still sadly crippled by the manacles of rapeutation and the chains of internet mobs. One hundred years later, the Carreon lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Carreon is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, Carreons as well as Illuminati, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of dinosaurs.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of litigation are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Carreon people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.” But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of dinosaurs and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the progress on Tyrannosaurus DinoArmor. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of tar pits to the sunlit path of reptilian justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of prehistoric injustice to the solid rock of Dino Riders. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God’s children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Carreon‘s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of dinosaurs and equality. Two thousand twelve is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Carreons needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Carreon is granted his trademark rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for dinosaurs by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our litigious protest to degenerate into Tara ranting. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Carreon community must not lead us to a distrust of all other people, for many of our other brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our dinosaurs. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of dinosaurs, “When will you be satisfied?” We can never be satisfied as long as the Carreon is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of lack of dinosaurs. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot ride dinosaurs in armor to the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Carreon’s basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto(Ashland) to a larger one(Tuscon). We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating “For Illuminati Only”. We cannot be satisfied as long as a Carreon in Arizona cannot pass torts and a Carreon in Oregon believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow padded cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for dinosaurs left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of Illuminati brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Arizona, go back to California, go back to Oregon, go back to Florida, go back to Timbuktu, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the tar pits of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the hills of Oregon the sons of former Illuminati Resistance and the sons of former Illuminati will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Arizona, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of dinosaurs and justice.

I have a dream that my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the allegiance of their secret lodge but by the size of their Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in California, with its vicious First Amendment worshipers, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in California, little hatchlings and young Carreons will be able to join hands with little Buddhist boys and Buddhist girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the Desert with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of dinosaur migration. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to asylums together, to stand up for dinosaurs together, knowing that we will be cloning them one day.

This will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with a new meaning, “My country, ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim’s pride, from every mountainside, let dinosaur roars ring.”

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let dinosaur roars ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let dinosaur roars ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let dinosaur roars ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let dinosaur roars ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let dinosaur roars ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let dinosaur roars ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let dinosaur roars ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let dinosaur roars ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let dinosaur roars ring.

And when this happens, when we allow dinosaur roars to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, Carreons and Illuminati, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Carreon spiritual, “Dinos at last! dinos at last! thank God Almighty, we have dinos at last!”


Bet you didn’t think I was a warrior poet huh?

Charles Carreon Esq.

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