Cold Dead Hand, with Jim Carrey

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Cold Dead Hand, with Jim Carrey

Postby admin » Sat Mar 21, 2015 8:30 am

Cold Dead Hand, with Jim Carrey

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CLICK HERE TO SEE "COLD DEAD HAND" -- ILLUSTRATED SCREENPLAY
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Re: Cold Dead Hand, with Jim Carrey

Postby admin » Sat Jun 20, 2015 11:49 pm

Screenplay:

FUNNY OR DIE EXCLUSIVE

[Old Man] Why did the ventriloquist quit drinking?

[Farm Boy] Because he was acting like a real drunk!

[Everyone laughing]

[Dick] Well, hi, ho and howdy, fine folks. And welcome back to Hee Haw! We want to thank our special guest, Charlton Heston, for joining us

[Charlton Heston] Well, Dick, it's an absolute pleasure to be here ...
in the sight of God on Hee Haw!
[Applause]
But who would be laughing if it weren't for The Patriots who answer the call of freedom?
[Applause]
The aliens who would exploit our every weakness ...
and suck the brains out of every living soul.
They'd be laughing! But not like you and me.
They'd go "beep beep beep beep beep.
"Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep."
[Making vibrating, electrical, whistling sounds.]
[Applause]

[Dick] Well, we want to lead here ...
with the sweetest, molasses sounds ...
of a man I'm sure you're all going to like.
Hens and roosters, lend an ear ...
to Lonesome Earl and the ClutterBusters.

[Clapping]

[Lonesome Earl & The Clutterbusters] Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...
Some folks ride
like the wind
With the whispering pines
to guide them
And the burning light inside them
Keeps them warm
in the snow
Others fear the sounds they hear
Make banditos
out of mole-hills
Fill their hearts
with porcupine quills
They’re dead and buried
long before they go
Charlton Heston movies
are no longer in demand
His immortal soul
may lay
forever in the sand
The angels wouldn’t take
him up to heaven like he planned
‘Cause they couldn’t pry that gun
from his cold dead hand






[Charlton Heston] I have only five words for you:
"From my cold, dead hands!"

[Michael Moore] Just 10 days after the Columbine killings ...
despite the pleas of a community in mourning ...
Charlton Heston came to Denver ...
and held a large, pro-gun rally for the National Rifle Association.

[WORLD-CLASS GUNS & GEAR EXPO. NRA ANNUAL MEETINGS APRIL 30-MAY 2. COLORADO CONVENTION CENTER. Charlton Heston: "Join Me."]

[Charlton Heston] Good morning.

[Crowd] Good morning.

[Charlton Heston] Thank you all for coming, and thank you for supporting your organization.
I also want to applaud your courage in coming here today.
I have a message from the Mayor ...
Mr. Wellington Webb, the Mayor of Denver.

[Crowd] [Booing!]

[Charlton Heston] No, no, no, no, no.
He sent me this ...
and it says: "Don't come here. We don't want you here."

[GO AWAY NRA
STOP THE MADNESS!
NO WAY NRA
NO MORE GUNS]

I said to the Mayor, this is our country.
As Americans, we're free to travel wherever we want in our broad land.

[Crowd] [Cheering & clapping]

[Charlton Heston] "Don't come here?" We're already here!

[Crowd] [Cheering & clapping]

-- Bowling for Columbine, directed by Michael Moore -- Illustrated Screenplay


[Charlton Heston] What did he say?

[Lonesome Earl & The Clutterbusters] It takes a cold dead hand
to decide to pull the trigger
It takes a cold dead heart
and as near as I can figure
With your cold dead aim
you’re trying to prove your dick is bigger
But we know your chariot
may not be swinging low
[Coyote] [Howling]
Cold dead hand
cold dead hand
Cold dead hand
cold dead hand
You’re a big big man with an little bitty gland
So you need something bigger just to fill
Your cold dead hand

[Charlton Heston] They're making fun
of everything
I hold dear!
What was that?

[Lonesome Earl & The Clutterbusters] Imagine if the lord were here
And he knew what
you’ve been thinkin’
Would his sacred
heart be sinkin’
Into the canyon
of dismay
And on the ones
who sell the guns
He’d sick the vultures
and coyotes
Only the devil’s
true devotees
Could profiteer
from pain
and fear.
[Charlton Heston] [Shaking his gun]
Charlton Heston movies
are no longer
in demand
His immortal soul may lay
forever in the sand
The angels wouldn’t take him up
to heaven like he planned
‘Cause they couldn’t pry that gun
from his cold
dead hand

[Security pulling his rifle backwards, and Charlton Heston along with it, since he can't let go of it)

[Charlton Heston gains control of his rifle again]
It takes a cold dead hand
to decide to pull the trigger
It takes a cold dead heart
and as near as I can figure
With your cold dead aim you’re trying to prove your junk is bigger
But we know your chariot may not be swinging low

[Sam Elliot] Hi. I am Clearly Sam Elliot
Pay attention hombre. This boy's got something to say! Budding social satire. It goes down smooth.
Enjoy the show!
I'm going to watch that sunset.

[Lonesome Earl & The Clutterbusters] Cold dead hands
cold dead hands
Cold dead hands
cold dead hands
Cold dead hands
cold dead hands
You’re a big big man
with an little bitty gland
So you need something bigger
with a hair-pin trigger
You don’t want to get caught
with your trousers down
When the psycho killer comes around

The appeal of doctrines (on the right or the left of the political spectrum) that glorify violence can be understood more readily if we recognize their close relationship to commonly held stereotypes of masculinity. In our culture, as in many others, violence is often taken as evidence of the toughness and aggressiveness, the lack of sentimentality, and the emotional stoicism that males are expected to demonstrate. Thus the readiness to proclaim or endorse the glories of violence is often a response to the perceived requirements of the male sex role; to shy away from violence is to fail a challenge to prove one's manliness. Similarly, those who feel particularly oppressed by their powerlessness and lack of personal agency may resort to violence because they see it as a way of regaining their lost manhood.

-- Violence Without Moral Restraint: Reflections on the Dehumanization of Victims and Victimizers, by Herbert C. Kelman


So you make your home
like a thunderdome
And you’re always packin’ everywhere you roam
But the psychos win no matter what you do
‘Cause they’re gonna buy way more guns than you
[Big breath!]
And while you’re stumbling out of bed
They put five rounds in the back of your head
Or you get depressed ‘cause the money runs out
Then you put your own shotgun in your mouth
And your kids walk in and they find you there
Like a headless stump in your underwear
And they move the gun and it kills them too
And your wife just doesn’t know what to do
So she takes a hand grenade from her shoe
And she pulls the pin...
And it’s all
on
you
And your cold
dead
hand

[Gun cocks
and fires]

[Girl] Well, what in the heck was that?

[Charlton Heston] I accidentally
shot my foot off

[Ellie Mae] Awwwwww,
shoooot!

[Everybody laughs]

[Old Man] [Spits out his beer]
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