charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

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Oops.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 3, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/03/oops/

Yeah so my bad. I meant to sue someone who couldn’t defend themselves… I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that damn internet.

Charles Carreon Esq.

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Independence Day
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 4, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/04/independence-day/

236 years ago, our forefathers litigated for their right to be free of a parliament that they saw increasingly as a foreign body. Through many harrowing court battles they won. So I think it’s proper and fit that today I declare my independence from, what some would say sanity, but I will call The Illuminati Threat. Join with me citizens as we take back this nation from… oh who am I kidding. I’m full of shit. I did it for the publicity. Yeah that sounds better…

Late April Fools,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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A question.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 4, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/04/a-question/

I wanted to do something special for Independence Day. I asked my hosting service if we could blow up my blog like a firework, but they said that wasn’t feasible and might result in charges being filed against me. Then I emailed Kingsford on how to bbq a blog, they didn’t respond. I tried to brew the blog, but all I did was get my shoes wet. After many failed attempts at baking it into an apple pie, I decided that how better to celebrate freedom than to vote as a democratic people. So here it is, my Illuminati endorsed poll. 6 out of 7 Bavarians agree, it’s better than frivolous lawsuits.



Do you want an actual "Ask Charles" section? (Poll Closed)

Yes, please do so as the Charles Carreon Esq. character. 71.89% (463 votes)

Yes, but I'd rather you do it as the actual author. 7.45% (48 votes)

No. That's a stupid idea. You now owe me dinosaurs for your ridiculousness. 20.65% (133 votes)

Total Votes: 644

Comments (0) Create Your Own Poll

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From the director’s chair.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 5, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/05/f ... ors-chair/

So you might not know this fair readers, but I am in the middle of a mega movie production. This thing is going to be like A Few Good Men, meets Godzilla, meets Amistad. Our working title right now is Psycho Santa. It’s about this brave lawyer that one day stumbles upon this scam artist name “Datthew Enman” and how the lawyer successfully litigated until the scammer gave all his ill gotten gains to charity. It’s going to have a hero named “Charles” and a heroine named “Tara.” Not only will our champion have to face off against a scam artist but also, The illuminati, CIA, the mafia, and a giant pterodactyl that wants nothing more that to tear you a new asshole. Stunning right?

In other news, since I have dismissed my lawsuit against Matthew Inman et al, I have began making a list of all the people I need to sue for trademark infringement and defamation. Here it is, future entries into this diary will list why.

1.Paul Levy

2.Cathy Gellis

3.Kenneth White

4.Marc Randazza

5.Adam Steinbaugh

6.Ann Bransom

7.Will Ross

8.“Valerie” if that’s here real name.

9.Nicholas Weaver

10.Cyrus Farivar

11.George Washington (his clone at least)

12.“AlphaCentauri”

13.Robert White

14.“Jess”

15.J. Edger Hoover (not deceased, trust me)

16.“Nibor”

17.The Taco Bell Dog

18.Universal Studios

19.[UPDATED] Joe Pullen

Writer, Director, Lawyer,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Donna Barstow interview.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 6, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/06/d ... xclude=289

Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.

Me: So why did you want to hire me?

Donna: These guys at Something Awful are terrible people and need to be taught a lesson. They’ve called me racist and other defamatory terms.

Me: What defamation have you faced?

Donna: Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.

Me: That’s reprehensible.

Donna: Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.

Me: Isn’t that a crime?

Donna: That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.

Me: It seems anyone can pretend to be a lawyer nowadays.

Donna: So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?

Me: First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.

Donna: What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?

Me: Then I will sue them.

Donna: What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?

Me: You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.

Donna: Uh…

Me: Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?

Donna: I’m not sure if I am okay with that.

Me: Oh never mind, Tara can do that.

Donna: I need to go now…

Me: Okay see you soon!

I think that went well.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me ]

[admin]

Democracy!
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 7, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/07/democracy/

Due to an overwhelming majority vote there will now be an Ask Charles section for real! Here are the official results for my question “Do you want an actual ‘Ask Charles’ section”:

Yes, please do so as the Charles Carreon Esq. character. 71.89% (463 votes)

Yes, but I’d rather you do it as the actual author. 7.45% (48 votes)

No. That’s a stupid idea. You now owe me dinosaurs for your ridiculousness. 20.65% (133 votes)

So send me your questions (satiricalcharles@gmail.com) and I’ll reply to them as Charles Carreon in posts when I get enough. This will be a regular section on this blog and you can ask really about anything. Try not to be too lewd though, it makes me uncomfortable thinking about Mr. Carreon that way. Seriously. I get kind of sick.

[admin]

Rapeutation
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 7, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/07/rapeutation/

Rapeutation: 1. noun, what an individual subjected to a DIRA ends up with, in place of a reputation, e.g., “We know him by rapeutation;” “Your rapeutation precedes you.” 2. the act of starting or carrying on a DIRA “The rapeutation starts at 14:00 sharp.”

Rapeutationist: 1. noun, one who initiates, conducts, or participates in a rapeutation.

So I have been getting some feedback about my new term “rapeutation” and I’ll admit maybe I should have gone with a better term. However, I’m a rapeutation survivor and I need to speak about it! I won’t just go around with the shame any more. I had to name it. I guess likening people on the internet making fun of me to rape might have been a bit off. However I really feel that the mean words said about me are exactly the same as being forcefully penetrated by another human being. It’s totally the same. So stop your whining. You rape victims don’t know how I feel! In fact if you keep emailing me about this new term, I will sue you for Tyrannosaurus Rexes. I am sick of everything I do on the internet exploding in my face.

Rapeutation Survivor,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Date Rapeutation
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 8, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/08/d ... xclude=338

Date Rapeutation: 1. noun, what an individual subjected to a DIRA ends up with, in place of a reputation, e.g., “We know him by rapeutation;” “I heard you like to take ladies out and not pick up the tab. Your rapeutation precedes you.” 2. the act of starting or carrying on a DIRA “The rapeutation starts at 14:00 sharp.” When specifically applied to a dating website social circle i.e. Match.com

Date Rapeutationist: 1. noun, one who initiates, conducts, or participates in date rapeutation.

I was skimming through a dating website and realized there are a lot of guys out there who don’t know how to deal with ladies like I do. These poor schmucks go around making asses of themselves until they one day realize how to be a proper human being. However it is unfair that people then talk about how they,

1.Didn’t pay.

2.Expected sex at the end of the date.

3.Pulled the old “My car died in the woods, let me hold you close for safety.”

4.Couldn’t stop talking about their ex.

5.Couldn’t stop talking about their rash.

6.Asked improper questions like “What turns you on more…” on the way to dinner.

7.Showed off their Star War collection in detail including the boxers they were wearing at the time. (That’s a second date thing guys)

8.Drank milk through their nose and squirted it out their eye.

These poor men don’t need to be ridiculed, they need someone to defend them. That’s me. I’ve been through a lot these past few weeks and I think anyone who has suffered public embarrassment has been raped in a way. Anyone who says different is an idiot and owes me a dinosaur. You put yourself out there in the world and then people don’t like what you have to say, or what you want them not to say? Rape. Someone makes fun of your professional conduct? Rape. Someone doesn’t like that you didn’t pay for your date with them? You guessed it, rape. This is all rapeutation or date rapeutation. I will not stand by as fellow netizens are consistently rapeutated. It’s disgusting and unjust.

Remember readers, if you are suffering from rapeutation or it’s after effects, call 900-CAR-REON($4.99 per minute) for a free consultation about your possible compensation through litigation. Remember, even if you don’t have a case, I’ll manufacture one for you! We will shut down their speech and ride into the sunset on our T-Rexes!

The Great Rapeutational Shield,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Oh no, she bought more ammo…
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 8, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/08/o ... more-ammo/

The bad characters have been all over us for a long time now, ever since I shot my gun to warn off a trespassing CIA-Buddhist neighbor from an illustrious CIA family — father general counsel for the CIA, mother secretary of the OSS under Truman, entire family in the CIA — who was really pissing me off by messing with our gate

I told her only grown ups can use the firearms, she never listens. Now she’s shooting at strangers in the night, and people out there are sending me pizzas and Mormons? DO YOU WANT TO GET SOMEONE KILLED?! This is bad. Next thing you know the ATF is going to be circling our house ready with the tear gas. These Illuminati just can’t leave us alone can they? All a man wants is a Tyrannosaurus Rex and these things keeps happening to me!

Oh crap, she’s on the home shopping network and they’re selling rifles, I got to go. If I don’t post again, think kindly of me.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Be Heard Part 2
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 8, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/08/be-heard-part-2/

Another email from a reader.

I’m not so much writing this here because I am afraid, but more because I don’t know where else to put this.

I think it’s important that we shatter Carreon’s delusions about the world. He seems to believe that everyone who opposes him is some mindless being connected to The Oatmeal directly, much as everyone who supports him is some mindless (or utterly psychotic in the case of Tara) being connected to him. It’s a basic psychological fallacy to assume that your condition is a general condition of humans.

He does not seem to realize that his actions do violence not only against Matthew Inman, but humanity in general. He is sticking up for the principle that defamation laws should protect people’s reputations from their own actions. He is sticking up for the idea that speech is only OK if it’s attacking the right people or it doesn’t break some subjective barrier that some human is capable of arbitrating.

He and his wife seem to believe that their tastes should be used to determine whether speech is OK or not. Could you imagine a world where that happened, where Mr. Carreon is an arbiter of speech? I could print out pictures of Mr. Carreon, poop on one each day for a month, photograph them, and post them to a blog, and it would be infinitely more tasteful, clever, sane, intelligent, ethical, and lawful than anything he or his wife have said on this matter.

The point of this tirade is not to simply criticize Mr. Carreon’s actions further, as I think he has received enough criticism for the “merits” of his individual actions. The point of this is to point out that Carreon is not simply an enemy of The Oatmeal and his imaginary zombie followers. He is not simply an enemy of some imaginary monolithic consensus on the internet. He is an enemy of mankind, whose actions are a tyrannical abuse of process that, if generally successful, could crush free exchange of ideas at taxpayer expense, allowing any common thug who went to law school to control social change, technological advances, and criticism of unethical government entities or corporations. In fact, legislatures have specifically enacted laws to make such abuses easier to identify and crush early on. Somehow it is a mystery that anyone would oppose his actions.

Does Mr. Carreon respond to the notion that his actions are illegal? From what I have seen, he seems to believe that a number of circumstances here override the rule of law. He seems to imply that The Oatmeal’s “Your Mom” joke directed to his client was so offensive and unethical that it overrides the rule of law, or had some magical power to dehumanize him that clearly incited people to take illegal action against him despite the very strict legal definition of incitement (designed to protect people from lawyers like Carreon). He implies that being angry, donating ten dollars to an art project, and having a law degree makes him the attorney general or otherwise some kind of prosecutor. He implies not only that the government should “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions in this matter, but that he, some dude with a law degree far from the influence of voters, should be able to “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions. He thinks that the fact that he doesn’t like someone and that they *could* be doing something unethical and/or illegal is evidence that they are and cause to put a restraining order on them (or he is willfully trying to abuse the system, which is quite probable).

Did he admit defeat when a bunch of humiliating briefs pointed out that he had no case? Nope. He claimed victory, asserting that the checks going where they were supposed to go all along was all he ever wanted, despite the fact that he used this frivolous case as a vehicle to get his even more frivolous incitement case to court. This is why I feel the need to crush his delusions of grandeur. The best way to do this would probably be for the courts to award Rule 11 damages on this case, although I’m not sure who should seek them. Unlike Carreon, the people he harasses have lives. Becoming permanently disbarred would probably be good for him. I feel like if anything can make him snap out of this, it’s some condemnation from the judicial system.

Mr. Carreon: You are not above the law, as you seem to believe. You are not Batman. You are some thug with a law degree. Not even Ralph Nader is enough of a nut to support you on this matter (although, were he, that still wouldn’t help your case). By the way, did you get any response from him regarding your request to forward your lawless threats to him? I’d love to read it.

As far as I know Ralph Nader has not gotten back to Mr. Carreon. I doubt many people who have such people seemingly obsessed with them do.