Altruistic World Online Library

Dear Charles,

Thank you for including me in your lovely website. I have to say, I’m a bit confused. My website is a simply a piece of fiction. I created it in an effort to write some humor about a fictional character named Charles Carrion (the last name is based on the dead rotting meat that vultures feed upon).

It seems that funny songs are popular these days, so I produced a parody in the voice of my fictional character Charles Carrion. I admit, the site is a work in progress, and the writing is amateur and sophomoric at best, but it’s a hobby.

However, if you’d like to continue to list me on your curious website, please know that my FULL name is Dave Felton. I’m in advertising and I’m an entrepreneur.

Have a lovely day.

Dave

PS, While I appreciate your offer of the purchase of a bottle of vanilla for the domain name, please know that my asking price is $20,000. xoxo

Dear Mr. Carreon,

My name is Richard Walls, one of the many people whose emails you published in public recently on your site. In my previous electronic letter I assumed and gave you the benefit of the doubt having faith that you would be a sensible and appreciable man who could take my honest criticism and do some good with it. I wrote to you with a sincerely positive intention and am shocked to find that my email has found its way into your ‘hatemail’ display. You are attempting, very blatantly, to draw attention to individuals who have criticized you in a negative way which is a far more obvious attempt at defamation of character than that which has been directed at yourself. This ‘wall of shame’ is unacceptably childish for an adult, much less a legal professional, and I would advise you to remove it for the sake of what remains of your reputation in the world. I was not a part of any organized attempts to harm your character, I had no interest in bringing you down, only in helping you better understand and emerge from your situation with as little harm as possible. I am not a zombie, I am not a defamer, and I am not a man who will tolerate this ridiculous attempt at internet bullying. Your publishing of my name and email address mean only enough to catch my attention, not enough to harm or cause me any personal distress, though the concept behind this sickens me. Mr. Carreon I had hoped you would be a better man than people portrayed you but you continue to exceed the stated expectations.

Attached to this you should find a photo of myself because I am not afraid to have my opinions and my words acknowledged and attributed to me so please, go ahead. You’ve got a photo to work with so I’m sure you can give me a section in your ‘rapeutationists’ page. I’ll even write the jokes for you, ‘this dirty fecal-frumper is going to have to come out of the bathroom closet someday. Its only a matter of time afterall, everyone who disagrees with me is just a sexy turd away from ending up like this fag.’ See? I put together your two favorite things, bad poop and bad gay jokes. If you don’t like that heres a handful of things I’ve accomplished you can make fun of and demonize: Debate team, practicing poet/artist, Atheist, library volunteer work with children and young adults, volunteer shelter work, Portuguese, Eagle Scout, Under 6′ tall, roleplayer, etc. I have no fear of you or your attempts to demonize myself or any other persons seeking to honestly and critically offer their thoughts to you. You, however, seem to be terrified of it. Your blog refuses comments, your posted emails have yours omitted, and you’ve made many efforts to make it difficult for you to be reached and responded to in any form. This is ineffective and frankly, disgraceful. There is one very important thing to note though, I will not come down to your level and spout out juvenile comments unintended for humor. I admittedly made light of your situation in the concluding paragraph of my email, hoping the humor might brighten your day, but I never wrote with a malicious intent towards anyone as you have and do.

I am not a hater, I am not a detractor, I am not a zombie, I am not a rapeutationist, I am not part of any organized attack. I am a concerned individual who has taken time out of their busy day to address you in the hopes that you’ll retain some rationality and come to the conclusion that your downwards spiral will get you nowhere except deeper in the pile of shit…yes, I made a poop joke, you’re not the only one who can chuckle at brown stuff.

Sincerely,

OneConcernedSoul

Hey SatCharles!

This is so cool! I figured the slime ball wouldn’t even take the time to read my email, much less post it for the whole world to see!! I feel so powerful right now I’m almost giddy. All of this just because I love my oatmeal!

I’ve been called many things in my 48 years on Earth, but no one has ever called me a “rapeutationist” before. I might need to get some new business cards made. I think it should be spelled with a capital R for proper reverence and effect. After all, there can be that many of us, right? I was never comfortable with the whole “soccer mom” stereotype label. OMG-the other mom’s are going to be so freaking jealous when they hear about this! Top that bitches!
I am disappointed that he didn’t answer any of my questions and that you have to scroll through almost all of the other letters to get to mine. Do you think I should write him again with a little reminder that I’m still awaiting his reply? You know us rapeutationists, if nothing else, we are a determined group! Of course, I can only speak for myself, I wouldn’t want to overstep my bounds or misrepresent myself as a “rapeutationist.” You know, if you say it slowly, it almost sounds kind of sexy in a weird, twisted way. You gotta give him credit, the guy has a way with words!

So thanks for the heads-up!

Shannon (yep-it’s my real name)

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First of all, thank you again for letting me know about this. Mr. Carreon has not made any direct contact with me even though he has my full name, city of residence and a valid email address. I have lived in the same home for 18 years, so my street address and home phone number would be easy to locate either online or in the local phone book.

Those of us here in Seattle are proud of the neighborhood we call “Funky” Fremont, also known as “The Center of the Known Universe.” The residents like to claim they started the bumper sticker revolution that asked for “Whirrled Peas” rather than world peace. They host a naked bicycle parade every year on the summer solstice that is a sight to behold. They even have a life-size troll carved under the I-5 Freeway bridge at the Fremont Exit. Matthew Inman and The Oatmeal are an important piece of the Fremont family.

I can copy any design or project but I didn’t inherit the gene to create new and magical things and I am in awe of those that can. Mr. Inman has the ability to make people laugh in a world where there is sometimes very little to laugh at. My life isn’t an easy one, I won’t bore you with the details, but I need every laugh, smile, or guffaw I can get. When FunnyJunk stole original ideas from Mr. Inman. He went through the proper channels asking them to stop. As a result, he has ended up in a big fat pile of crazy.

I was not, as Mr. Carreon claims, “marshaled into an army” nor did I try to ”besiege (my) website and send (me) a string of obscene emails.” I wouldn’t have a clue how to “besiege” any one or any thing. I have no idea what a “denial of service” attack is either. I’m just a gal from Seattle lending support to neighbor. I wrote one polite, slightly tongue-in-cheek letter asking the attorney representing Funnyjunk to explain what had happened and what was going to happen. (I also asked him his personal views of television programs such as LA Law and Mad Men, but that is neither here nor there.) My letter contained no obscenities. The idea that he is accusing me of a form of rape makes my stomach turn. His mocking of such a serious crime against humanity is vile and I believe shows his true colors.

Print this and my first letter to you if you wish. Like I have said before, I’m a big girl and can spot a bully a mile away. I speak only the truth and live my life with no regrets. Bring it on Mr. Carreon. You have been warned.

Shannon Radoll (this is my real name)

aka-Shannon in Seattle, sradoll@yahoo.com