10:17 pm, September 3, 2005
Because I excused myself from going to Burning Man, just down the road from here, whereto no doubt the numerous dreadlocked and footloose creatures seen hereabouts are blowing toward, my friend John Potts, who's going to be there live and in real time, sent me this missive:
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2005 10:21 AM
Subject: How to have the Burning Man experience from the comfort of your own home:
Tear down your house. Put it in a truck. Drive 10 hours in any direction. Put the house back together. Invite everyone you meet to come over and party. When everyone leaves, follow them back to their homes, drink all their booze, and break things.
Stack all your fans in one corner of your livingroom. Put on your most fabulous outfit. Turn the fans on full blast. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.
Pitch your tent next to the wall of speakers in a crowded, noisy club. Go to sleep. Wake up 2 hours later in a 110+ degree tent.
Only use the toilet in a house that is at least 3 blocks away. Drain all the water from the toilet. Only flush it every 4 days. Hide all the toilet paper.
Visit a restaurant and pay them to let you alternate lying in the walk-in freezer and sitting in the oven.
Don't sleep for 5 days. Take a wide variety of hallucinogenic/emotion-altering drugs. Pick a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon wig, and dance close naked;
-- then tell you they have a lover back home at the end of the night.
Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your body. Forget how you did it. Don't go to a doctor.
Buy a new pair of favorite shoes. Throw one shoe away.
Buy a new set of expensive camping gear. Break it.
Spend a whole year rummaging through thrift stores for the perfect, most outrageous costume. Forget to pack it.
Listen to music you hate for 168 hours straight, or until you think you are going to scream. Scream. Realize you'll love the music for the rest of your life.
Get so drunk you can't recognize your own house. Walk slowly around the block for 5 hours.
Sprinkle dirty sand in all your food.
Mail $200 to the Reno casino of your choice.
Go to a museum. Find one of Salvador Dali's more disturbing but beautiful paintings. Climb inside it.
Spend thousands of dollars on a deeply personal art work. Hide it in a funhouse on the edge of the city. Blow it up.
Set up a DJ system downwind of a three alarm fire. Play a short loop of drum'n'bass fortissimo until the embers are cold.
Have a 3 a.m. soul-baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a crocodile, and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you're hallucinating.
And I might add: Do all that and spend a whole year thinking about doing it all again but bigger.