Buddhist Project Sunshine Final Report [PHASE 2] [EXCERPT]
A 3-month Initiative To Bring Healing Light To Sexualized Violence At The Core Of The Shambhala Buddhist Community
by Andrea M. Winn, MEd, MCS
With Collaborators: Richard Edelman, Carol Merchasin, J.D., Elizabeth Monson, PhD, and Women Survivors
June 28, 2018
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What is Buddhist Project Sunshine?
Why I Started Buddhist Project Sunshine
I started this project out of compassion. Something has gone tragically wrong in the Shambhala community. We appear to have allowed abuse within our community for nearly four decades, and it is time to take practical steps to end it.
In early 2017 I came to a point in my life where I was ready to come out from under the rock of oppressive silence and bring change that has been long needed in the Shambhala community. I was sexually abused as a child by multiple perpetrators in our community. When I was a young adult, I spoke up about the community’s sexual abuse problem and was demonized by my local Shambhala center, ostracized and forced to leave. The shocking truth is that allegedly almost all of the young people in my age group were sexually harassed and/or sexually abused. I don't know the statistics on the generations of children after mine. What I do know is that many of us have left the community, and for those who have stayed, their voices have been unheard. Beyond child sexual abuse, it appears women and other vulnerable people continue to be abused in relationships with community leaders and by their sanghas.
I experienced profound abuse in this community, and I don't want to see it continue to happen to others like me. I saw a way to help through creating Buddhist Project Sunshine to establish a strong foundation for change.
Buddhist Project Sunshine Phase 1
I launched Buddhist Project Sunshine Phase 1, a one-year project, on Shambhala Day 2017 [February 27, 2017] to (1) establish a working body of concerned citizens to look into the suggestion of sexual and social abuse in the Shambhala community, and (2) create a promotional campaign to start a productive conversation about this situation on a community-wide level.
Phase 1 resulted in Shambhala International publicly declaring 'ABHORRENT SEXUAL BEHAVIOR' by Shambhala teachers. This initiated our community's healing process.
Buddhist Project Sunshine Phase 2
It became clear to me that Shambhala International leaders were not grounded enough to help our community heal from the dynamics of sexual abuse. It is alleged that some of the worst abuse has been perpetrated by key Shambhala leaders, and therefore, more energy was likely to go into covering up the abuse than bringing it into the light. A woman emailed me who said she was abused by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. She shared the image of an apple that is rotten at the core, and she asked, how can the community heal if the core is rotten? I took her question to heart.
At the same time, Carol Merchasin, an experienced sexual misconduct investigator wrote to me saying,
"Andrea: You do not know me but I have watched what has gone on at Vajradhatu and then Shambhala since 1982 and I am glad there is some chance that sanity may now reign, even if Shambhala International does not have the fearlessness to confront the problems. I am a lawyer with many years of experience in sexual issues in the US workplace and I know that unless perpetrators are held to account, it is very hard for organizations to heal. I haven’t seen much willingness for SI to do that. Just know that there are folks out here supporting you."
Receiving messages like these showed me the next step was to reveal the alleged clergy sexual misconduct of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. It is important to acknowledge that Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche perpetrated equally damaging abuses, and his actions will definitely need to be held to account as well in our community's healing process. However, in discussion with Carol Merchasin, it became clear that the place to start is with the current living teacher, who can be held to account for his actions.
A third major player came forward at this time, Richard Edelman, who has done years of research into the history of abuse in Tibetan Buddhism, the broader spectrum of trauma and abuse happening in Buddhist communities in the West, and the nature of cult dynamics within Buddhist communities.
At that point I asked Carol Merchasin to do a preliminary investigation into the alleged clergy sexual misconduct of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, and I asked Richard Edelman to assist me in overseeing the investigation. I can assure you that this investigation was done with care, professionalism and thoroughness. I have complete confidence in the findings.
We presented the findings to Shambhala International's mediator, Kathleen Franco, on May 24th, with our direct call for the Kalapa Council to hire a third-party neutral investigator to conduct a full investigation into the allegations of Sakyong Mipham's sexual assaults and sexual misconduct. It has been more than a month, and we have still received no response from Shambhala International to the findings or our call for an investigation. I now respectfully present the findings to the Shambhala community in the memo attached to the end of this report.
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Stories From Women Survivors of Sakyong Mipham's Alleged Clergy Sexual Misconduct
A number of women came forward to be interviewed for the Buddhist Project Sunshine preliminary investigation of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. You will find the results of this investigation in Appendix 5.
Some, but not all, of these women were also willing to write their story and the impact the alleged abuse had on them for this report. They did this to help the community more fully understand the depth of the problem we must now face so we can make informed decisions as we move forward as a community.
Anonymous Story & Impact Statement #1
Some months ago, I read Project Sunshine’s Phase I report. What powerfully stood out for me were the impact statements of those who had experienced sexual abuse within the Shambhala Buddhist mandala. It was the heartbreaking details – from what happened, to how what happened had affected and continues to affect the lives of those women and men who suffered these abuses and transgressions, that pierced my heart and branded themselves in my mind’s eye. How true it is that the devil is in the details! For this reason, I have decided to write my own impact statement – so that light may be brought into a darkness that has persisted over many years and to encourage anyone who reads this statement to learn the truth about not only the abuses described, but also to peer into the larger culture of collusion and blindness that has functioned to sanction and excuse such abuses. This impact statement seeks to present both a description of SMR’s sexual misconduct as well as the larger context in which the events and experiences I experienced unfolded.
The first time I saw Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, I knew he was my teacher – not just a teacher for this life, but a teacher I had known before and with whom I was now reconnecting in this lifetime. I sobbed with joy after my first conversation with him – a conversation whose content was irrelevant to my sense that our communication had nothing to do with what was said, but that it was part of a larger recognition of the open wisdom and compassion that forms the bedrock of our lives. From that day on, I turned my entire life toward the Dharma and toward my teacher. I did whatever I could to offer myself to the Shambhala world and to serve SMR.
Over years I studied, practiced, and trained to serve. I completed almost every practice available in the Shambhala Buddhist mandala. I studied every text. In particular, I trained in service to the Shambhala mandala on multiple levels. First, I trained as a server in the Sakyong’s household. It was in serving in this role, often late at night at banquets or dinner parties that extended into the wee hours, that I first saw the patterns of heavy drinking that I later became intimately familiar with. As I moved up through the ranks of service, I was around SMR more and more. I trained as a kasung and as a kusung-in-training. I left behind my secular life, my friends, and almost my family. Shambhala was my world, my home, my deepest joy. I loved serving, I loved practicing, I loved studying. My dearest friends were sangha. At the center of all of this was my teacher, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche.
I provide this background as context for what happened. Shambhala was my world and the inner mandala was my home.
Over these years another story played itself out. Part of this story, the part I take responsibility for, was my romantic fantasy of a Tibetan Buddhist guru who could see in and through me, who intimately knew exactly who I was and who could and would orchestrate whatever conditions were required to wake me up. The other part of the story was the clergy sexual misconduct enacted by the Sakyong and condoned, supported and hidden by those who served him.
From early on, I watched myself and others (both men and women) strive to secure a place near SMR. One way this dynamic evolved took place around the “parties” that occurred wherever SMR was staying. Sometimes there would be only one party, other times more. These parties formed a secret world behind the regular programs and events of SMR’s visits to different centers. They lingered in the shadows, tantalizing us with their promises of unusual and intimate experiences with the otherwise distant-seeming guru. To be invited to such a party signaled a kind of acceptance to the inner mandala, the secret mandala. When I first began to be invited to these parties, I was elated. I felt as though my devotion was being recognized and acknowledged and that I now genuinely “belonged.”
The parties all followed a similar pattern. They began with socializing and drinking, music and banter. At some point food was served and the drinking continued. Most of us became highly intoxicated, but few so much as SMR himself. The more intoxicated he became, the more he demonstrated various kinds of outrageous activities – spontaneous poetry competitions, long monologues, harangues of some people who had displeased him. Alongside these (mostly) harmless demonstrations, SMR also pursued another activity. He went after whichever woman took his fancy.
For me, this manifested in an experience that occurred repeatedly over years. When he was completely intoxicated, SMR would pull me into a dark corner. He kissed me and groped me while aggressively encouraging me to come to bed with him. Most of the time, another woman who had been invited to the party was already present. For me to comply with SMR’s wishes, I would have had to displace this other woman. Knowing how painful this would be for her, I couldn’t do it. Year after year, I resisted. There was only one night that I slept in SMR’s bed. There had been no girlfriend present that night. He was so drunk that I spent much of the night holding a bowl for him to vomit into. I snuck out of the room before dawn feeling bewildered and ashamed. Several days later, when he had recovered from the alcohol and I saw him, there was no mention of what had happened. Indeed, there was never any mention of these encounters.
This pattern continued year after year. Trying to make sense of how he could desire me while drunk, but act as if this abuse had never happened the rest of the time, I became more and more confused about what devotion to the teacher meant. And since I was often present at the court, I began to recognize another repeating pattern. This pattern consisted of SMR calling women to his bedroom, spending intimate time with them, and then losing interest. Without any warning or communication, they would be dismissed. This pattern occurred with women SMR culled from seminaries for one-night stands, sending out the Kusung to bring one or another newbie to his bed and it also occurred with longer-term girlfriends. All these women were one moment close and the next minute invisible.
Observing this pattern and experiencing the push and pull of his intoxicated desire for me, my sense of devotion became mixed with ordinary emotional needs to be seen, appreciated, valued, and wanted. I never had any strong sexual desire for SMR, but, I wanted to be special and indispensable. I wanted to be “the one” that was never discarded or abandoned and, for many years, by keeping myself at arm’s length, I believed that I had found a way to stay protected from the pattern of harm that I saw him repeatedly enact.
At the same time, this kind of sexual intimacy appeared as the primary way that an attractive woman could be valued or recognized. Although this horrified me, because he was my teacher, I harbored fear that if I resisted his desires, I would be exiled – I would lose the Dharma, lose my friends, lose my teacher, lose my world. Like so many other women, I continued to hope that he would eventually realize that I was his true consort. I clung to the idea that an intimacy would eventually develop between us outside of drunken midnight groping. But, year after year, this same pattern continued and, year after year, I found myself struggling to rationalize his behavior by telling myself I was being shown the patterns of my own poverty mentality and grasping, my desire for recognition and connection. These patterns were wrong and SMR’s actions were meant to purge me of them.
Finally, however, common sense and the reality of how ashamed, anguished, and bewildered I felt prompted me to speak out. I could no longer rationalize what was happening. After one particularly egregious night, I spoke my mind. I told him, after he’d recovered from his hangover three days later, that if he thought I was waiting around for him to ask me to marry him, he could think again. I told him that I’d seen how he treated women and I wanted no part of it. Years of frustration and wondering what he wanted from me bubbled up. As I spoke, SMR sat with a stunned look on his face and for some time said nothing. When he finally did speak, he said that he was sorry, that he had not meant to hurt me. That was it. He left the room. From that time on, he never spoke to me privately again and bit by bit, I was pushed from the inner circle. There was never any form of clear communication but slowly and steadily I was dismissed, my jobs were taken over by others, and I found myself grasping at clues trying to figure out what was happening. A staff member eventually confirmed that I was being dismissed and he himself would be taking over my tasks.
My final meeting with SMR took place about a year after the incident where I told him what I really thought about his treatment of women. He was sitting in his father’s old bedroom. I was on the floor. I begged him to tell me if he didn’t want me around anymore. I asked him to tell me the truth. I acknowledged that hearing the truth would be hard for me, that I didn’t want to leave, but that knowing was far preferable to trying to figure it out in the dark. He got up and walked out of the room.
When SMR walked away, after so many years and so much work, after so much time together and sense of connection, when he abandoned me with so much ease and without a second thought, I was devastated. Had I made this whole thing all up? Was it all just a one-sided daydream? I doubted everything about the Dharmic connection I had before felt so much confidence in. I found myself in a miasma of distrust of my own intuition, those deeper levels of knowing. I questioned all the times he had drawn me aside, alone, or with others, to talk to us about his plans for his first teachers, describing how we would be his first teachers, trained by him to teach in the Dharma as we received it from him. I was tortured recalling how it seemed that I was only desirable to him when he was drunk and that my primary value was as an object to be groped and seduced.
And there was no one to turn to. As soon as I was dismissed, the inner court and almost all my “friends” turned their backs on me as if I never existed. I was ghosted, ignored, and at the few programs I attended in a desperate effort to reconnect, those who had been my closest friends were cool, distant, and even actively unfriendly. The few public conversations I had with SMR were brief and general. I continued to struggle with the feeling that I had done something wrong.
When I think back on these events now, I wonder that I was willing to endure these experiences for so long. SMR played this game with me for many years, holding me at a distance, bringing me in close, and dangling me out again. I had tried strategies to break this cycle of torture by distancing myself from him and engaging in other romantic relationships. All along, I wondered what I would do if he ever truly beckoned me in a real way to be with him. By a real way, I mean, in the light of day, with full faculties and honesty, a genuine and real communication of the heart rather than the surreptitious midnight liaisons from which the woman must sneak away before dawn so as not to be seen or known to have been with him. I had seen so many women have that experience. I was there when women were brought to SMR in the middle of night and pushed out the door before dawn to stumble back to their beds and await his choice for the next night. Wondering if they would be chosen again. Waiting day after day to see where his fancy might fall.
At one point, SMR asked me to take care of some of the women and to try to help them “understand.” Understand what, I never quite knew and even if I had “understood” what could I say? But, like a good student and sycophant, I tried to help others with the emotional distress they were experiencing, particularly when it became clear that SMR was about to turn his back on them.
Writing this now, I can still feel the bafflement that has been with me ever since SMR turned his back on me as my teacher. I genuinely believed in the understanding of samaya between the guru and the student that states that samaya is a two-way street in which both teacher and student uphold and support the connection. When SMR turned his back on me because I told him what I thought about how he treated women, it was clear that there was no room for honesty, no room for genuine communication and no room for the exposure and purification of neuroses. One was either with SMR all the way or out. I had believed that SMR and I shared a deep level of both intellectual and non-conceptual intimacy. I had felt this connection in my bones, my blood, my skin. It wasn’t a conceptual thought, it was a deep awakening in my nature that resonated with the Dharma as it came through him. I had trusted this intuitive level of my being, deeply trusted it, and had relied on it for protection from the surface whims and painful vicissitudes of his desires. And then it was gone.
Since those days, I have had to rebuild my dharma path from the bottom up. For many years, I struggled in silence and shame, without anyone to confide in or rely on for help. It was only when I finally realized that the Dharma could never be taken away from me, that it was folded into the very marrow of my bones, that I began to recover some semblance of confidence and clarity. This confidence has allowed me to reclaim my path and to turn the abuse and pain I experienced into a catalyst for growth and compassion. It is my hope that by sharing my story, others who have experienced similar, and often, much more egregious and harmful experiences with SMR will feel encouraged to find healing and resolution.
I continue to hope that deep down, SMR possesses the kind of integrity, compassion and wisdom that I had believed him to possess. I pray that he can find the courage to take responsibility for the harm he has caused. It is unconscionable that he should be speaking of intolerance for sexual misconduct without taking responsibility for all the years of his own enactment of clergy sexual misconduct with so many women. Even if he is no longer engaging in these kinds of activities at this present moment, what about those women who experienced abuse from him for many years who have suffered in silence, isolation and shame? Isn’t their suffering just as important now as it was then? The excuse that all of this happened many years ago holds no water. Wouldn’t the three daughters of SMR want to know that their father cares about the welfare and the spiritual paths of all his students - male, female, transgender, gender-fluid, etc.? Harm was experienced. I experienced it. My honesty is what lost me my home in Shambhala and any sense of a genuine connection with my teacher, who could not face the truth of his actions.
Anonymous Story & Impact Statement #2
When I first learned of Project Sunshine and the conversation that was happening on Facebook I became completely engrossed, reading all that I could find. I was surprised to see that there seemed to be no mention of the Sakyong in the conversation except for people saying how relieved they were that this pattern of abusive behavior was isolated to the old days of the Vidyadhara. Reading through the discussion made me realize how much I longed to hear from other women like myself who had kept the shameful secret of the Sakyongs’ behavior to myself for all these years.
Over many years I had several sexual encounters with the Sakyong that left me feeling ashamed, demoralized and worthless. Like many young women in the sangha, I was deeply devoted to the Sakyong and did whatever I could to serve him and be close to him. I witnessed the steady stream of attractive women that were invited into his quarters and I longed to be the one that he fell in love with and was worthy of being his wife.
During a program you could often tell who the Sakyong was going to pursue that night by who he made eye contact with during the teaching or feast. One night I received a call from his kusung at 11pm or 12pm saying that the Sakyong would like to see me and that I should come to his suite. I was thrilled and nervous. When I got there, he was dressed solely in a robe with no clothes underneath. We chatted for a while. Then he led me into his room and began kissing me and removing my clothes. I said that I couldn’t have sex with him. He seemed stunned. He thought for a while and then pushed my face down towards his penis and said “Well you might as well finish this.” I was so embarrassed and horrified I did it. He rolled over in bed and didn’t say another word to me.
On another occasion I was invited to a dinner party where the Sakyong was encouraging everyone to drink a lot. He then insisted that we take off our clothes. He led one woman into his bedroom while the rest of us danced. After a while his kusung came out to get me to come to the Sakyong’s bedroom. I went into the room and discovered the Sakyong and the woman on his bed having sex. He said to me “She won’t come. Do something to help.” I stood there stunned and he said “Play with her tits. Do something.”
On another occasion I was serving in the household and took some tea to him in his bedroom where he was watching tv. He asked me to sit down with him on the bed. He was only wearing a bathrobe. After a while he opened his robe to reveal his penis and said “I was hoping you could help me out.” Again, I did it and felt completely disgusted with myself, but I was so conflicted with doing what my teacher asked of me, feeling so devoted to him and not wanting to displease him or fall from his graces. This time especially felt even more demeaning as I was in uniform. More and more it felt like he had no interest in me or my well-being. Only his pleasure.
For years I struggled with these memories and my devotion to him as my guru and the brilliant teacher I believed him to be. I pushed them aside, instead internalizing the tremendous shame and feelings of unworthiness.
It has been one of the great heartbreaks of my life to leave the Shambhala Sangha. It was my life and my family for so many years but I could no longer hold the dichotomy of the Sakyong as my guru and a man who made me feel like I meant nothing.
A Last-minute Story Submission
A second generation Shambhalian, or “dharma brat,” wanted to contribute her story at the last minute after she saw the Sakyong’s "apology" letter (See Appendix 3). She gave me permission to re-print something she shared previously in another forum.
Hello friends.
The last 6 months have been both treacherous and clarifying as conversations have unfolded, dragged on and danced around the topic of Shambhala sexual abuse. I have often thought it deserves its own unique brand. It’s as if a collective community trauma has been triggered and we are drawn to replay, revisit, deny and avoid patterns that seem so engrained to the community. I've watched, listened and engaged in these conversations both online and off— some held really close and privately, some that spread far. I have followed and at various points engaged both Project Sunshine and Shambhala Initiatives to Address Harm and the various strategies being churned up this time around. After being harassed and manipulated to ultimately STFU [Shut the Fuck Up] (sometimes asked really kindly) by ‘friends,’ court staff and various leaders (of which pretty much everyone is), after being given this “incredible opportunity” to stand in the deep river of this community’s relationship to sexual abuse and feel how its currents continue to impact me, I realize that the (false) hope I had reignited for change in December has died.
I was sexually assaulted by the Sakyong in the kitchen of the Halifax Kalapa Court after his wife, the Sakyong Wangmo, retired for the night with her first daughter, following the celebration of her first birthday in August, 2011. This experience was traumatic for me. It took place one year after we welcomed Jetsun Drukmo home on that very lawn. It also marked the one year anniversary of meeting my then partner, who stood in the same room as me that night and watched, did nothing, turned the other way. As time went on, the community’s formal responses and members’ processes of relating to this disclosure and fact have overall exacerbated my confusion and suffering and eroded my mind and body’s health. The responses and denials continue to trigger me and prevent me from moving on from that harm and I believe are preventing the community from its own “healing”. It is truly sad, hard and painful for me to admit this and I would encourage people who deeply care about this community and this family you serve to realize that nothing can change if it doesn’t begin with honesty and recognition of the facts and factors we are working with. The Sakyong’s Chief of Staff is most certainly aware of this incident of “sexual misconduct” despite what he has said to the contrary and to the Project Sunshine Mediator. Kalapa Council members know about this sexual misconduct, one of whom was supposed to be my MI around this time but never followed up. I have told several personally. And I know I am not the only one.
For me, these past 6 months have strengthened relations, turned up new alliances, softened family members and neighbors, challenged, stretched and at times snapped long-held friendships. I have wondered if and how connections with those I adore and appreciate could continue and be cultivated, how our experience of our relationships might have meaning beyond and regardless of our relationship to Shambhala. I met a lot of you through training, practicing, staffing, being socialized in and socializing as an adult in the community and with community members. And although I love you dearly, the Sakyong and his family included (and this is actually true—it’s pretty fucked up), I can't keep “doing” Shambhala and shambhala as we have been taught and are restricted to do it anymore. I know this because it forces me to twist my heart in ways I know it should not have to be twisted. I know there are many meaningful connections with those I’ve met ‘there’ and I invite you to continue to cultivate those with me without the filter of Shambhala the Thing, The Project.
Come be a friend, become a Velveteen —please do. But please don’t ask me to grapple with this experience through a Shambhala lens. Please consider the contradictions in your practice of the teachings if you have to omit the teacher. I cannot have the guru suspended from teaching duties and remove his body, speech and mind from the throne at programs where he tells me how and what to do with my mind, like you might an abusive Acharya or a sangha member. So because none of these initiatives are addressing the Sakyong and the community is not willing to include him in the remedies being touted, I have no choice but to step away. Don’t come to me and ask me to explain my experience in detail, don’t tell me write it up or file a report, don’t propose mediation, don’t try to pull me in and close to keep me quiet, don’t tell me I’m breaking samaya when it has already been broken by him. The labour required to repair that relationship from his end will require much more than a private meeting. Stop coming to me and asking me to talk about my traumatic experience in your way, or on the terms of Shambhala the organization, the vision, the Sakyong. Don’t tell me to not have any dark hidden corners of my mind and then insist Shambhala and the Sakyong need some. Don’t instruct me to lean in and visualize and dissolve into someone who deeply violated not just my physical/sexual boundaries, but who took advantage of my spiritual boundaries/experience/practice too. Don’t tell me to push myself to the brink of suicide and just accept it because Marpa was abusive. Stop accusing me of wanting the headlines, attention or money. I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to become really familiar with all the tactics over the course of my life and I can see them — including “kindness”—coming a mile away. I will not keep grappling and replaying this by conceptualizing or justifying trauma as Tibetan crazy wisdom. I will not keep quiet and pretend it’s all ok by embodying some fucked up version of British colonial denial. But what I will do is invite you to be a friend, and I will be yours if you become real.
Love, always,
(The woman's name has been omitted)
Note: If you are a woman who feels she has been abused by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, please see Appendix 4, as we are organizing a healing group for you.
Preparing For What Is Ahead
How Have Other Buddhist Communities Dealt With Learning The Leader/Guru Was Abusing His Students? – Richard Edelman
I asked Richard Edelman to contribute some words to give context for what we are going through as a community right now in Shambhala. I hope you will find Richard's perspective helpful.
