Paris Bombing/Peace-Global Warming Conference Excerpt from "Team America"
directed by Trey Parker
[Without Regard to the "Hate Everything Exception to Criticism"
, i.e., if we could only hate everything, we would be above criticism, and be in total control of the "virtuous" mirror that reflects our hate back on you.]NOTICE: THIS WORK MAY BE PROTECTED BY COPYRIGHT
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO READ THE COPYRIGHT NOTICE AT THIS LINK
BEFORE YOU READ THE FOLLOWING WORK, THAT IS AVAILABLE SOLELY FOR PRIVATE STUDY, SCHOLARSHIP OR RESEARCH PURSUANT TO 17 U.S.C. SECTION 107 AND 108. IN THE EVENT THAT THE LIBRARY DETERMINES THAT UNLAWFUL COPYING OF THIS WORK HAS OCCURRED, THE LIBRARY HAS THE RIGHT TO BLOCK THE I.P. ADDRESS AT WHICH THE UNLAWFUL COPYING APPEARED TO HAVE OCCURRED. THANK YOU FOR RESPECTING THE RIGHTS OF COPYRIGHT OWNERS.
GARY: Stop that man.
KIM JONG IL: Team America?
ALEC BALDWIN: Goddamn it.
JOE: Sorry to interrupt the show everyone, but Kim Jong Il
is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him.
ALEC BALDWIN: Oh, no, you're not.
This is a peace conference.
And if you even try to touch Kim Jong Il,
this audience and I will rise up against you.
MAN: Fuck off, Team America!
SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience
to let you do your job.
JOE: Gary, you've got to take the stage.
GARY: No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.
He's the best actor in the world.
JOE: You have to try.
GARY: I'm not that good.
CHRIS: Actually ...
you're the finest actor I've ever met.
LISA: Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast.
GARY: I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now,
but Kim Jong Il is a lot worse.
ENGLISH WOMAN: [throws a tomato]
ALEC BALDWIN: You can't outact me, boy. Don't even try.
For the truth is that Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations.
They are just as bad as the enemies they fight.
GARY: Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!
We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.
And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.
And Kim Jong Il is an asshole.
Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks.
But dicks also fuck assholes,
assholes who just wanna shit on everything.
Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.
But the only thing that can fuck an asshole
is a dick with some balls.
The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much.
Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.
SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Yes, Gary, yes.
GARY: And it takes a pussy to show them that.
But sometimes pussies get so full of shit
that they become assholes themselves.
Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes.
I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world ...
but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole ...
we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies ...
all covered in shit.
UGANDA MAN: Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong Il.
KIM JONG IL: Do something, Arec Barrwin!
ALEC BALDWIN: The -- Global warming and -- Corporate America --
KIM JONG IL: You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.
[Alec Baldwin blown to smithereens]
KIM JONG IL: Don't fucking move! You were all going to be treated
to a faburous show. But now party's over.
For I am the great Kim Jong Il.
KIM JONG IL: And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived.
LISA: Terrorize this.
GARY: Lisa, are you okay?
LISA: No, Gary, the countdown.
You have to stop it.
GARY: What do I do?
LISA: Hit the big "cancel" button!
Gary, how did you manage this?
GARY: Spottswoode helped me.
LISA: Spottswoode? He's alive?
GARY: Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I --?
LISA: Shhh. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."
SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Attention, Attention, everyone.
All you in the audience should go to your homes now.
Your countries need you. But the world will be safe,
thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.
SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is.
He's a man who knows
that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.
A bond that cannot be broken.
He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees
and put that cock right in his mouth.
LISA: Wait a minute. Look!
KIM JONG IL: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong Il.
I will return!
You shall see. I will be back!
So rong, earthrings!
GARY: We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong Il.
CHRIS: All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party,
but there's still a lot of bad guys out there.
GARY: Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
LISA: Fuck, yeah.
GARY: Fuck, yeah.
America, Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah
America, Fuck, yeah
DIRECTED BY TREY PARKER
Freedom is the only way, Yeah