CAIRO, MIDDLE EAST: 5,621 MILES EAST OF AMERICA
WE PROTECT, WE SERVE, WE CARE
[Sarah] Fear not, Muslim friends. We're here to find terrorists.
I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.
[Joe] All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern.
[Chris] Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you.
If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass
so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
[Gary] What's your problem with me?
[Chris] Yeah, you wanna go?
[Joe] Guys, guys, guys!
Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?
The war is out there, man. Out there. Now, pull it together.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet.
[Joe] Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team,
take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One
All right, that's the tavern with the blue door.
Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal.
You remember the signal?
That's right. All right, good luck.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Go get them, cowboy.
[Muslim] Durkah Allah Muhamad Jihad.
[Muslim] Bhagara, Muhamad Jihad!
Bhagara, Muhama Jihad! Jurkha, jurkha, Mohamad Jihad! Mohamad Jihad!
[Chris] Oh, shit.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Come on, Gary, act. You have the power.
[Gary] Bak, durk durk allah. Durka durka Mohamad Jihad. Haka sherpa sherpa bakala.
[Muslim] Oh, durka, durka, durka.
[Sarah] All right, Gary!
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Told you he was top gun.
[Joe] I've never seen acting that good.
[Lisa] He's amazing.
[Terrorist] Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible.
[Rebel] We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you?
[Gary] My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.
Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon?
[Sarah] I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary.
[Lisa] My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah.
It's too painful to see them die.
[Sarah] I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up --
[Lisa] It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship.
[Sarah] I treasure yours, Lisa.
[Chris] Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?
[Joe] What would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants.
Still, I'd love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields.
[Men] [Talking Muslim]
[Terrorist] [Speaking Muslim]
[Chechnyan] What do you know?
[Gary] I heard there might be a large terrorist attack.
If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.
[Chechnyan] Get out of here. We have put out a jihad on the infidels
because they destroyed our lives.
What do you know about pain and sadness?
[Gary's brother] Gary. Help me! Help me!
Get him off! Get this thing off of me! Gary!
[Gary] I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village
in their Black Hawk helicopters.
The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.
Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched.
I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed
by the fiery, black liquid death.
In the midst of the chaos,
I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help.
As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone.
It was on that day I put a jihad on them.
And if you don't believe it, then you better kill me now,
because I'll put a jihad on you too.
[Chechnyan] I like you. You have balls.
I like balls.
All right, listen carefully. The WMDs are located
in a secret bunker 20 yards east of this building.
You can help us by guarding it and making --
[Terrorist] [In Muslim]
[Chechnyan] Come. They're onto us!
Hurry, friend. We must make our escape.
[Joe] Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Don't let them get away.
[Sarah] I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern.
[Joe] Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists.
America, Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah
America, Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way, yeah
It's the dream that we all share
It's the hope for tomorrow
[Chechnyan] Go faster, you idiot.
[Terrorist] Die! Infidels!
[Joe] They're not stopping.
[Chris] They had their chance.
Missed. Wide right.
[Joe] One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
[Gary] It's me. It's me.
[Joe] Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me. Kiss me."
[Chris] Smartass motherfucker.
[Terrorist] An infidel.
Sarah to Team America Four.
[Chris] What you got, Sarah?
[Sarah] Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with --
[Joe] Say again. You're breaking up.
[Sarah] Joe, do you copy?
[Lisa] I'll get him.
[Joe] I lost her.
[Chris] It's all right. We'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants.
[Gary] Hey, guys, I think we should pull over.
[Chechnyan] Pull over? Yes, of course.
Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them.
[Terrorist] I love your balls.
[Chris] Shit, they got by me.
[Gary] What are we doing?
[Chechnyan] This jeep is filled with explosives.
We're going to take their lives and our own.
[Gary] We're gonna what?
[Chris] Hang on, Joe.
[Chechnyan] Die, infidels.
[Chris] Surprise, cockfags!
[Chris] All right. We fucking did it.
[Lisa] Spottswood, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.
This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.
[Peter Jennings] Team America has once again pissed off the entire world
after blowing up half of Cairo.
And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out.
Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild.
[Alec Baldwin] The Film Actors Build believes
ALEC BALDWIN -- F.A.G.
that what the world needs is compassion, not violence.
All that Team America does is create new enemies.
[Tim Robbins] Let me explain to you how this works.
TIM ROBBINS -- F.A.G.
You see, the corporations finance Team America.
And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their --
In their corporation buildings, and, see, they're all corporation-y,
and they make money.
[Sean Penn] Last year I went to Iraq.
Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place.
SEAN PENN -- F.A.G.
They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies
and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced
and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
[Peter Jennings] The actors are calling for an emergency meeting.
Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt,
and Matt Damon.
[Matt Damon] "Matt Damon."
[Peter Jennings] In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals
their own way.
[General] Sir, Hans Blix is here from the United Nations.
[Kim John Il] Hans Brix? Oh, no.
Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans.
[Hans Blix] Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today,
and your guards won't let me into certain areas.
[Kim Jong Il] Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been through this a dozen times.
I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans?
[Hans Blix] Then let me look around so I can ease the U.N.'s collective mind.
[Kim Jong Il] Hans, you're breaking my barrs here. Hans, you're breaking my barrs.
[Hans Blix] I'm sorry, but the U.N. must be firm with you.
Let me see your whole palace or else.
[Kim Jong Il] Or else what?
[Hans Blix] Or else we will be very, very angry with you.
And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.
[Kim Jong Il] Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready?
Stand a rittle to your reft.
A rittle more.
There you go, Hans Brix.
How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker?
Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?
Well, fuck you. You want inspection?
Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit.
What, you think I'm just a petty arms dealer?
I'm pranning the attack.
Congratulations, Team America, you have stopped nothing.
The UN chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix, has lashed out at the US Defence Department, saying some "bastards" in Washington tried to undermine him in the run-up to the Iraq war.
In an interview with the UK's Guardian newspaper, Mr Blix said there were US officials who had "spread things around, of course, who planted nasty things in the media".
"It was like a mosquito bite in the evening that is there in the morning, an irritant," he said.
-- Blix stung by 'Pentagon smear', by BBC News
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing.
It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again.
[Joe] We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary.
Terrorists, your game is through.
[Sarah] You're the best, Gary.
[Joe] So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he ...
[Chris] You might have all the others fooled, but not me.
Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger.
The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick
so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions. You got it?
[Joe] Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you?
[Sarah] No, of course not, Joe.
Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date?
[Joe] Sarah, really?
[Sarah] Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
[Joe] I think it's better than all right. It's great!
[Sarah] Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.
[Owl Sounds] [Whoo, whoo, whoo] [Minerva/Lisa approaching]
[Lisa] Gary? You okay?
[Gary] I was just wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory.
[Lisa] Is it anything that you wanna talk about?
[Gary] When I was a kid, I always looked up to my older brother, Tommy.
He was the jock, and I was the little performer.
We were all out at the zoo one day.
I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.
I fell in.
Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me,
forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket.
The gorillas just went wild.
They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll
to get to those blueberries.
One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, who tossed him to another.
Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help,
but it was too late.
The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.
My acting ...
got my brother killed.
I've had to live with that ...
every single day.
[Lisa] Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.
[Gary] I think I can finally let it go.
Because my acting saved the entire world.
And something even better happened.
[Gary] I met somebody who took my breath away.
[Lisa] Gary, no.
[Gary] I'm sorry.
[Lisa] It's just ... Things are really complicated, Gary.
[Gary] I know about Carson.
I know how it feels.
[Lisa] God, I'm so confused.
It's too soon to be having feelings for you.
[Gary] Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
[Lisa] But I have to control them
because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful.
[Gary] So -- So, what, you're just gonna shut down?
I really like you.
There's no chance we can ever be together?
[Lisa] Only if you could promise me you'll never die.
[Gary] You know I can't promise that.
[Lisa] If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
[Gary] I promise. I will never die.
[Song] I need this, I need love, I need you.
I don't need one heartbeat, I need two
There's an emptiness I need to fill
And only one emptiness will do
Only a woman can brighten up my day
Only a woman can touch me the right way, yeah
Only a woman is allowed to touch me there
All I ask is that you're a woman
All I ask is that you're a woman
[She shits on his face]
Please just be a woman
[Gary] Lisa, you're the most amazing person I've ever met.
It's only been a short time, but I think that I'm completely in love --
[Lisa] Shhh ...
Let's not talk.
[Gary] I can't help it. This just feels so right,
and I don't want anything to mess it up.
There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up.