[General Jack Ripper] Mandrake?
[Captain Mandrake] Yes, Jack?
[General Jack Ripper] Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?
[Captain Mandrake] Well, no, I can't say I have, Jack.
[General Jack Ripper] Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water.
[Captain Mandrake] Well, I believe that's what they drink, Jack, yes.
[General Jack Ripper] On no account will a Commie ever drink water ...
... and not without good reason.
[Captain Mandrake] Oh, yes.
I can't quite see what you're getting at, Jack.
[General Jack Ripper] Water. That's what I'm getting at, water.
Mandrake, water is the source of all life.
Seven-tenths of this Earth's surface is water.
Why, do you realize that ...
... 70 percent of you is water?
[Captain Mandrake] Good Lord.
[General Jack Ripper] And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water ...
... to replenish our precious bodily fluids.
You beginning to understand?
[Captain Mandrake] Yes.
[General Jack Ripper] Mandrake ...
Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water ...
... or rainwater, and only pure grain alcohol?
[Captain Mandrake] Well, it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
[General Jack Ripper] Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?
[Captain Mandrake] Yes, I have heard of that, Jack, yes. Yes.
[General Jack Ripper] Well, do you know what it is?
[Captain Mandrake] No. No, I don't know what it is, no.
[General Jack Ripper] Do you realize that fluoridation ...
... is the most monstrously conceived ...
... and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?
[Gunshots into the room]
Two can play at that game, soldier!
That's nice shooting, soldier!
Mandrake, come here.
[Captain Mandrake] You calling me, Jack?
[General Jack Ripper] Come over here and help me with this belt.
[Captain Mandrake] I haven't had very much experience ...
... you know, with those sort of machines, Jack ...
... I've only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
[General Jack Ripper] In the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress, feed me the belt.
[Captain Mandrake] Jack, I'd love to come, but what's happened, you see ...
... the string in my leg's gone.
[General Jack Ripper] The what?
[Captain Mandrake] The string. I never told you ...
... but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh, dear. Gone. Shot off.
[General Jack Ripper] Mandrake, come over here. The redcoats are coming. Come on!
[Ambassador Alexi] When it is detonated, it will produce enough radioactive fallout ...
... so that in 10 months ...
... the surface of the Earth will be as dead as the moon.
[General Turgidson] Come on, de Sadesky! That's ridiculous!
Our studies show even the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks.
[Ambassador Alexi] You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G.
[General Turgidson] No, what about it?
[Ambassador Alexi] Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive half-life of 93 years.
If you take, say, 50 H bombs in the 100 megaton range ...
... and jacket them with cobalt thorium G ...
... when they are exploded, they will produce a doomsday shroud ...
... a lethal cloud of radioactivity ...
... which will encircle the Earth for 93 years!
[General Turgidson] What a load of Commie bull. I mean, after all ...
[President] I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexi.
Is the premier threatening to explode it if we carry out the attack?
[Ambassador Alexi] No. It is not a thing a sane man would do.
The doomsday machine is designed to trigger itself automatically.
[President] But surely you can disarm it somehow.
[Ambassador Alexi] No. It is designed to explode if any attempt is made to un-trigger it.
[General Turgidson] It's a Commie trick! We're wasting valuable time!
Look at the big board! They're getting ready to clobber us!
[President] But this is absolute madness. Why should you build such a thing?
[Ambassador Alexi] Some of us fought against it.
But we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race ...
... the space race, and the peace race.
At the same time, our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines.
Our doomsday scheme cost us a small fraction ...
... of what we had been spending on defense in a single year.
The deciding factor was when we learned your country ...
... was working along similar lines. We were afraid of a doomsday gap.
[President] This is preposterous! I've never approved of anything like that.
[Ambassador Alexi] Our source was The New York Times.
[President] Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?
[Dr. Strangelove] A moment, please, Mr. President.
Under the authority granted me ...
... as director of weapons research and development ...
... I commissioned last year a study of this project ...
... by the Bland Corporation.
Based on the findings of the report ...
... my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent ...
... for reasons which at this moment must be all too obvious.
[President] Then, you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?
[Dr. Strangelove] Mr. President, the technology required is easily within the means ...
... of even the smallest nuclear power.
It requires only the will to do so.
[President] But how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically ...
... and at the same time impossible to un-trigger?
[Dr. Strangelove] Mr. President, it is not only possible ...
... it is essential.
That is the whole idea of this machine, you know.
Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy ...
... the fear to attack.
And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process ...
... which rules out human meddling ...
... the doomsday machine is terrifying.
This is simple to understand.
And completely credible and convincing.
[General Turgidson] Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines, Stainesy.
[President] But this is fantastic, Strangelove. How can it be triggered automatically?
[Dr. Strangelove] Well, it's remarkably simple to do that.
When you merely wish to bury bombs ...
... there's no limit to the size.
After that, they are connected to a gigantic complex of computers.
Now, then: a specific and clearly-defined set of circumstances ...
... under which the bombs are to be exploded ...
... is programmed into a tape memory bank.
A single role of tape can store ...
[General Turgidson] Strangelove.
What kind of a name is that? That ain't no Kraut name, is it?
[Staines] He changed it when he became a citizen.
It used to be Merkwurdichliebe.
[General Turgidson] Well, a Kraut by any other name, huh, Stainesy?
[Dr. Strangelove] -- is that the whole point of the doomsday machine ...
... is lost if you keep it a secret.
Why didn't you tell the world?
[Ambassador Alexi] It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday.
As you know, the Premier loves surprises.
[843rd BOMB WING STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND -- PEACE IS OUR PROFESSION]
[BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE]
[KEEP OFF THE GRASS]
[General Jack Ripper] Stay with me, Mandrake.
All right, Mandrake, now feed me. Feed me bullets.
[Captain Mandrake] Jack, don't you think we'd be better off away from all this flying glass?
[General Jack Ripper] No, we're okay here.
Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why ...
... there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour ...
... fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream?
Ice cream, Mandrake.
Children's ice cream.
[Captain Mandrake] Good Lord.
[General Jack Ripper] You know when fluoridation first began?
[Captain Mandrake] No, I don't, Jack.
[General Jack Ripper] 1946.
How does that coincide with your postwar Commie conspiracy, huh?
It's incredibly obvious, isn't it?
A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids ...
... without the knowledge of the individual.
Certainly without any choice.
That's the way a hard-core Commie works.
[Captain Mandrake] Jack. Listen, tell me -- Tell me, Jack.
When did you first become -- Well, develop this theory?
[General Jack Ripper] Well, I ...
I first became aware of it, Mandrake ...
... during the physical act of love.
Yes, a profound sense of fatigue ...
... a feeling of emptiness followed.
Luckily, I was able to interpret these feelings correctly.
Loss of essence.
I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake.
Women sense my power
... and they seek the life essence.
I do not avoid women, Mandrake.
[Captain Mandrake] No.
[General Jack Ripper] But I do deny them my essence.
[Captain Mandrake] Yes, yes, Jack.
The Vindu-Siddhi, power of retaining the semen, is one of the most interesting and important branches of Hathayoga, the Hindu "Physical Culture". The following from the Shiva Sanhita, concerning the Vajroli Mudra, affords an adequate example of the method and aim:
53. Actuated by mercy for my devotees, I shall now explain the "Vajroli Mudra", the destroyer of the darkness of the world, the most secret among all secrets.
54. Even while following all his desires, and without conforming to the regulations of Yoga, a householder can become emancipated, if he practices the VAJROLI MUDRA.
55. This VAJROLI YOG practice gives emancipation even when one is immersed in sensuality; therefore it should be practised by the Yogi with great care.
56. First let the talented practitioner introduce into his own body, according to the proper methods, the germ-cells from the female organ of generation, by suction up through the tube of the "meatus urinarius"; restraining his own semen, let him practise copulation. If by chance the semen begins to move, let him stop its emission by the practice of the YONI MUDRA. Let him place the semen on the left hand duct, and stop further intercourse. After a while, let him continue it again. In accordance with the instruction of his preceptors and by uttering the sound "hoom", let him forcibly draw up through the contraction of the "Apana Vayu" the germ-cells from the uterus.
57. The Yogi, worshipper of the lotus-feet of his Guru, should in order to obtain quick success in Yoga drink milk or nectar in this way.
58. Know semen to be moon-like, and the germ-cells the emblem of sun; let the Yogi make their union in his own body with great care.
59. I am the semen, Sakti is the germ fluid; when they both are combined, then the Yogi reaches the state of success, and his body becomes brilliant and divine.
60. Ejaculation of semen is death, preserving it within is life; therefore, let the Yogi preserve his semen with great care.
61. Verily, verily, men are born and die through semen; knowing this, let the Yogi always practise to preserve his semen.
62. When through great efforts success in the preservation of the semen is obtained, what then cannot be achieved in this world? Through the greatness of its preservation (i.e. through celibacy) one becomes like me in glory.
63. The "vindu" (semen) causes the pleasure and pain of all creatures living in this world, who are infatuated, and are subject to death and decay. For the Yogi, this preservation of semen is the best of all Yogas, and it is the giver of happiness.
64. Though immersed in enjoyments, men get powers through its practice. Through the force of his practice, he becomes an adept in due season, in his present life.
65. The Yogi certainly obtains through this practice all kinds of powers, at the same time enjoying all the innumerable enjoyments of the world.
66. This Yoga can be practised along with much enjoyment; therefore the Yogi should practice it.
67. There are two modifications of the VAJROLI, called "Sahajoni" and "Amarani". By all means let the Yogi preserve the semen.
68. If at the time of copulation the "vindu" is forcibly emitted, and there takes place an union of the sun and the moon, then let him absorb this mixture through the tube of the male organ. This is "Amarani".
69. The method by which the "vindu" on the point of emission can be withheld through YONI-MUDRA is called "Sahajoni". It is kept secret in all the Tantras.
70. Though ultimately the action of them ("Amarani" and "Sahajoni") is the same, there are arisen differences owing to the difference of nomenclature.. Let the Yogi practise them with the greatest care and perseverance.
71. Through love for my devotees, I have revealed this Yoga; it should be kept secret with the greatest care, and not be given to everybody.
72. It is the most secret of all secrets that ever were or shall be; therefore let the prudent Yogi keep it with the greatest secrecy possible.
73. When at the time of voiding urine the Yogi draws it up forcibly through the Apana-Vayu, and keeping it up, discharges it slowly and slowly; and practices this daily according to the instructions of his Guru, he obtains the "vindusiddhi" (power over semen) that gives great powers.
74. He who practises this daily according to the instructions of his Guru does not lose his semen, were he to enjoy a hundred women at a time.
75. O PARVATI! When "vindu-siddhi" is obtained, what else cannot be accomplished? Even the inaccessible glory of my godhead can be attained through it.-- The Scented Garden of Abdullah the Satirist of Shiraz, by Ordo Templi Orientis
[Soldier] Cease fire!
[General Jack Ripper] My boys must have surrendered.
[Captain Mandrake] Well, there it is.
Now, Jack, listen.
While there's still time, I beg you, let's recall the wing and --
[General Jack Ripper] Those boys were like my children, Mandrake.
Now they let me down.
[Captain Mandrake] No, no, Jack not a bit of it.
No, I'm sure they all gave it their very best.
I'm equally sure they all died thinking of you ...
... every man jack of them, Jack.
Supposing a bit of water has gone off, eh?
One can never be too sure about those things.
But you look at me. Do I look all rancid and clotted?
You look at me, Jack. Look.
And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you might call a water man.
And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you...
... that there's nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
[General Jack Ripper] Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war?
[Captain Mandrake] Well, Jack, the time's running very --
[General Jack Ripper] Were you ever a prisoner of war?
[Captain Mandrake] Yes, I was, as a matter of fact, Jack.
[General Jack Ripper] Did they torture you?
[Captain Mandrake] Yes, they did. I was tortured by the Japanese, if you must know.
Not a pretty story.
[General Jack Ripper] What happened?
[Captain Mandrake] I don't know, Jack. It's difficult to think of under these conditions.
Well, what happened was ...
... they got me on the old Rangoon-Inchinawa Railway.
I was laying train lines for the bloody Japanese puff-puffs.
[General Jack Ripper] No, I mean, when they tortured you, did you talk?
[Captain Mandrake] No, I ...
Well, I don't think they wanted me to talk, really, or say anything.
It was their way of having a bit of fun, the swines.
The strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.
[General Jack Ripper] Those clowns outside are gonna give me ...
... a pretty good going-over in a few minutes for the code.
[Captain Mandrake] Yes --
Yes, well, you may have ... May have quite a point there, Jack.
[General Jack Ripper] I don't know how well I could stand up under torture.
[Captain Mandrake] Well, of course, the answer to that is, boy, no one ever does.
And my advice to you, Jack, is to give me the code now.
And if those devils come back and try any rough stuff ...
... we'll fight them together, like we did just now on the floor.
You with your gun and me with a belt and the ammo, feeding you.
"Feed me," you said, and I was feeding you, Jack.
[General Jack Ripper] You know, Mandrake ...
... and I know I'll have to answer for what I've done.
And I think I can.
[Captain Mandrake] Yes, well, of course you can, Jack. Of course you can. You can.
I'm a religious man myself, you know, Jack.
I believe in all that sort of thing and I'm hoping, you know, Jack ...
You've dropped your gun, Jack. Yes ... You know what ...?
No, Jack. let me take that for you. I'll take that for you, Jack.
You know what I'm hoping? I'm hoping you're going to give me the code.
And -- You're going to have a wash and brush up? What a good idea.
Always did wonders for a man, a wash and brush up.
Water on the back of the neck makes you feel marvelous.
That's what we need, water on the neck and the code.
Now, supposing I play a little guessing game with you, Jack, boy.
I'll try and guess what the code is --
[Copilot] Copilot to navigator. I'm ready with the fuel figures now.
We have 109,000 total ...
79,000 in the mains ...
and 30,000 in the auxiliaries.
And that works out to roughly ...
seven hours, 15 minutes endurance from this time.
[DSO] DSO to captain. I have an unidentified radar blip.
Distance, 60 miles.
Approximate speed, Mach 3.
Looks like a missile tracking us.
Confirmed, definite missile track. Commence evasive action right.
Missile still closing range.
Distance, 50 miles. Continue evasive action.
[Copilot] Lock ECM to target intercept mode.
[DSO] ECM locked to target intercept mode.
Missile still tracking and closing distance.
Range, 40 miles. Continue evasive action.
Electronic Guidance Scrambler to blue grid.
Missile still tracking steady and closing distance.
Range, 30 miles.
Missile still closing true and steady. Continue evasive action.
Range, 20 miles.
Missile still closing distance and tracking steady.
[Copilot] Attack range gate on maximum scan.
[DSO] Range gate on maximum scan.
Range, 10 miles.
Missile track deflecting. Continue evasive action.
Deflection increasing. Range, eight miles.
Deflection still increasing. Range, six miles.
Missile still deflecting. Range, four miles.
Range, two miles. Missile still deflecting.
Range, one mile. Missile detonated!
[Major Kong] Start lever to cutoff!
[Major Kong] Essential power!
Re-select essential power!
[Copilot] Essential power re-selected.
[DSO] The hatch is stuck!
[Major Kong] Hit emergency power!
[Major Kong] Extinguishers!
[Major Kong] Transfer switches!
[Major Kong] Boost pumps off!
[DSO] Cut off!
[Major Kong] Fuel valves three, four and six!
Give me full power!
[Captain Mandrake] "Peace on Earth.; Peace on Earth."
"Purity of Essence."
The retention of sperm:
For a Buddhist Tantric, the retention of the male seed is the sine qua non of the highest spiritual enlightenment. This stands in stark opposition to the position of Galen (129–199 C.E.), the highest medical authority of the European Middle Ages. Galen was of the opinion that the retentio semenis would lead to a putrefaction of the secretion, and that the rotten substance would rise to the head and disturb the functioning of the brain.
In contrast, the tantras teach that the semen is originally stored in a moonlike bowl beneath the roof of the skull. As soon as a person begins to experience sexual desire, it starts to flow out, drop by drop, passing through the five energy centers (chakras). In each of these the yogi experiences a specific “seminal” ecstasy (Naropa, 1994, p. 191). The destination of the sperm’s journey within the body is the tip of the penis. Here, through extreme meditative concentration, the adept collects the lust: “The vajra [penis] is inserted into the lotus [vagina], but not moved. When lust of a transient art arises, the mantra hum should be spoken. ... The decisive [factor] is thus the retention of the sperm. Through this, the act obtains a cosmological dimension ... It becomes the means of attaining enlightenment (bodhi)” (Grönbold, Asiatische Studien, p. 34). “Delight resides in the tip of the vajra [penis]", as is said in a Kalachakra text (Grönbold, 1992a).
With the topic of sperm retention, an appeal is made to ancient Indian sexual practices which date from pre-Buddhist times. In the national epic poem of the Indians, the Mahabharata, we can already read of ascetics “who keep the semen up” (Grönbold, Asiatische Studien, p. 35). In early Buddhism, a holy man (Arhat) is distinguished by the fact that his discharges have been conquered and in future no longer occur. From Vajrayana comes the striking saying that “A yogi whose member is always hard is one who always retains his semen” (Grönbold, Asiatische Studien, p. 34). In contrast, in India the flowing of the male seed into “the fiery maw of the female sexual organ” is still today regarded as a sacrificium, and therefore feared as an element of death (White, 1996, p. 28.
The in part adventurous techniques of semen retention must be learnt and improved by the adept through constant, mostly painful, practice. They are either the result of mental discipline or physical nature, such as through pressure on the perineum at the point of orgasm, through which the spermatic duct is blocked, or one stops the seminal flow through his breathing. If it nonetheless comes to ejaculation, then the lost sperm should be removed from the mudra’s vagina with the finger or tongue and subsequently drunk by the practitioner.
Yet that which is forbidden under penalty of dreadful punishments in hell for the pupil, this is not by a long shot the case for his guru. Hence, Pundarika, the first commentator upon the Kalachakra Tantra, distinguishes between one “ejaculation, which arises out of karma and serves to perpetuate the chain of rebirth, and another, which is subject to mental control ...” (Naropa, 1994, p. 20). An enlightened one can thus ejaculate as much as he wishes, under the condition that he not lose his awareness in so doing. It now becomes apparent why the vajra master in the second higher initiation (9) of the Time Tantra is able to without harm let his sperm flow into the vagina of the mudra so as to be able to offer the mixture (sukra) which runs out to the pupil as holy food.The sukra
In the traditional Buddhist conception an embryo arises from the admixture of the male seed and the female seed. This red-white mixture is referred to by the texts as sukra Since the fluids of man and woman produces new life, the following analogic syllogism appears as obvious as it is simple: if the yogi succeeds in permanently uniting within himself both elixirs (the semen virile and the semen feminile), then eternal life lies in store for him. He becomes a “born of himself”, having overcome the curse of rebirth and replaced it with the esoteric vision of immortality. With the red-white mixture he attains the “medicine of long life”, a “perfected body” (Hermanns, 1965, pp. 194, 195). Sukra is the “life juice” par excellence, the liquid essence of the entire world of appearances. It is equated with amrta, the “drink of immortality” or the “divine nectar”.
Even if many tantric texts speak only of bodhicitta, the male seed, at heart it is a matter of the absorption of both fluids, the male and the female, in short — of sukra. Admittedly the mixing of the sexual fluids does seem incompatible with the prohibition against ejaculation, but through the so-called Vajroli method the damaging consequences of the emission of semen can be reversed, indeed this is considered a veritable touchstone of the highest yogic skill. Here, the tantra master lets his bodhicitta flow into his partner‘s vagina in order to subsequently draw back into himself through his urethra the male-female mixture which has arisen there. “After he has streamed forth,” Mircea Eliade quotes a text as saying, “he draws in and says: through my force, through my seed I take your seed — and she is without seed” (Eliade, 1985, p. 264). The man thus steals the seed of the woman under the impression that he can through this become a powerful androgynous being, and leaves her without her own life energy.
Some of the “initiated” even succeed in drawing up the semen feminile without ejaculating any sperm so as to then produce the yearned-for sukra mixture in their own body. The mastery of this method requires painful and lengthy exercises, such as the introduction of small rods of lead and “short lengths of solder” into the urethra (Eliade, 1985, p. 242). Here can be seen very clearly how much of a calculating and technical meaning the term upaya (method) has in the tantras. Yet this does not hinder the Tantric Babhaha from celebrating this thieving process in a poetic stanza:
In the sacred citadel of the vulva of
a superlative, skillful partner,
do the praxis of mixing white seed
with her ocean of red seed.
Then absorb, raise, and spread the nectar—
A stream of ecstasy such as you’ve never known.
(quoted by Shaw, 1994, p. 158).
Now what happens if the yogi has not mastered the method of drawing back? Fundamentally, the following applies: “Through the loss of the bindu [semen] comes death, through its retention, life” (Eliade, 1985, p. 257). In a somewhat more tolerant view, however, the adept may catch the sukra from out of the vagina in a vessel and then drink it (Shaw, 1994, p. 157). It is not rare for the drinking bowl to be made from a human skull. The Candamaharosana Tantra recommends sucking the mixture up with a tube (pipe) through the nose (George, 1974, p. 75). If one sips the sukra out of his mudra’s genitals with his mouth, then the process is described as being “from mouth to mouth” (White, 1996, p. 200). Without exaggeration one can refer to this drinking of the “white-red bodhicitta” as the great tantric Eucharist, in which semen and blood are sacredly consumed in place of bread and wine. Through this oriental “Last Supper” the power and the strength of the women are passed over to the man.-- "The Shadow of the Dalai Lama," by Victor and Victoria Trimondi
[Colonel] Put your hands over your head.
[Captain Mandrake] What the devil do you think you're doing? Who are you?
[Colonel] Put your hands over your head.
What kind of suit do you call that, fella?
[Captain Mandrake] What do you mean, suit?
This happens to be an RAF uniform, sir.
And I am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake ...
..General Ripper's executive officer.
[Colonel] Where's General Ripper?
[Captain Mandrake] He's dead, in the bathroom.
[Colonel] Where's the bathroom?
[Captain Mandrake] Next to you.
I don't know what stupid game you're playing ...
... but I've got an idea what the recall code is.
I have to get in touch with SAC headquarters.
[Colonel] I said, put your hands over your head and keep them there. Go on.
Got any witnesses?
[Captain Mandrake] Witnesses?
What are you talking about? He shot himself!
[Colonel] While he was shaving, huh?
[Captain Mandrake] Now, look, Colonel "Bat" Guano, if that really is your name ...
.. may I tell you that I have a very, very good idea ...
... I think, I hope, I pray, what the recall code is.
It's some theme he kept repeating.
A variation on "Peace on Earth" or "Purity of Essence," one of those.
[Colonel] Put your hands up on top of your head. Start walking.
[Captain Mandrake] Don't you know that General Ripper went mad ..
... and sent the whole wing to attack the Soviets?
[Colonel] What are you talking about?
[Captain Mandrake] I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
I'm gonna pick up this red telephone, which is connected to SAC ...
... and I hope --
Shot away, I expect, by one of your men during this ridiculous fighting!
[Colonel] All right, Charlie, I've been wasting too much time on you.
I got a lot of wounded men outside. Start walking.
[Goldie] All the radio gear is out, including the CRM 114.
I think the auto-destruct mechanism got hit and blew itself up.
[Bombardier] The fire is out.
The emergency power is on. Everything seems to check out all right. Will advise.
[Major Kong] Roger. Navigator?
[Navigator] I've worked out our rate of fuel loss at approximately 162 per minute.
This gives us a radius of action sufficient to take out ...
... primary and secondary targets, but we will not ...
... repeat, not be able to make it back to any base or neutral country.
However, we would have enough fuel to ditch at weather ship Tango Delta ..
... grid coordinates 003 691.
[Major Kong] Well, boys, we got three engines out ...
.. we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule ..
..the radio is gone and we're leaking fuel.
If we was flying any lower, we'd need sleigh bells on this thing.
But we got one little budge on them Russkies.
At this height, they might harpoon us ...
..but they sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen.
[Colonel] The other way.
[Captain Mandrake] Where are you taking me?
[Colonel] To the main gate.
[Captain Mandrake] Colonel!
Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here.
[Colonel] You wanna know what I think?
[Captain Mandrake] Yes.
[Colonel] I think you're some kind of deviated "prevert."
I think Ripper found out about your "preversion" ...
... and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now, move!
I don't know anything about any planes attacking Russia.
I was told to get Ripper on the phone with the President of the United States.
[Captain Mandrake] Now, just one second. You just said, "The President."
[Colonel] What about the President?
[Captain Mandrake] The President wants to speak to General Ripper, doesn't he?
Now, General Ripper is dead, is he not?
I am General Ripper's executive officer ...
... so the President will want to speak to me, won't he?
There's a telephone box over there and the line may be open.
[Colonel] You wanna talk to the President of the United States?
[Captain Mandrake] I don't want to talk to him, I've got to talk to him.
And if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense ...
... the court of inquiry on this will give you such a pranging ...
... you'll be lucky to end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant!
[Colonel] Okay. Go ahead.
Try and get the President of the United States on the phone.
If you try any preversions in there, I'll blow your head off.
[Captain Mandrake] Operator? This is Group Captain Lionel Mandrake.
I'm speaking from Burpelson Air Force Base.
Something urgent has come up and I want you to place an emergency call ...
... with President Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon, Washington, D.C.
No, I'm perfectly serious. The President of the United States.
Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't got enough change.
Could you make this a collect call, operator?
Just one second, operator.
They won't accept the call. Have you got 55 cents?
[Colonel] You don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do you?
[Captain Mandrake] Operator, look.
Is it possible to make this an ordinary trunk call?
Well, what do you call it? You know ...
Oh, blast! I'm still 20 cents short.
Operator, hold on. I shan't keep you a second.
Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it.
There may be some change in there.
[Colonel] That's private property.
[Captain Mandrake] Can you possibly imagine what is gonna happen to you ...
... your frame, outlook, way of life and everything ...
when they learn you have obstructed a telephone call to the President?
Can you imagine?
Shoot it off! Shoot with the gun!
That's what the bullets are for, you twit!
[Colonel] Okay. I'm gonna get your money for you.
But if you don't get the President on the phone, know what's gonna happen?
You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company.
[SAC] This is SAC Communications Control.
The recall code O-P-E ...
... is being acknowledged "roger" by elements of the 843 bomb wing.
These are the details:
Missions 12, 22, 30 and 38 ...
... are reported destroyed by enemy action.
All other missions have acknowledged recall code.
This is SAC Communications Control, over and out.
[General Turgidson] Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I'm not a sentimentalist by nature ...
... but I think I know what's in every heart in this room.
I think we ought to all just bow our heads ...
... and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance. Lord ...
... we have heard the wings of the Angel of Death ...
... fluttering over our heads from the Valley of Fear.
You have seen fit to deliver us from the forces of evil --
[Staines] Excuse me, sir.
Premier Kissoff's calling again, and he's hopping mad.
[DSO] Fuel flow on active engines and leakage has increased.
Now works out at 205.
Estimate remaining fuel at 8790.
Roger. Confirm 205 per minute.
... and remaining fuel 8790.
[President] No, no, Dimitri, there must be some mistake.
No, I'm certain of that.
I'm perfectly certain of that, Dimitri.
Just a second. You know what he says?
He says one of the planes hasn't turned back.
According to information forwarded by our air staffs ...
... it's headed for the missile complex at Laputa.
[General Turgidson] That's impossible, Mr. President. I mean, look at the big board.
Thirty-four planes, 30 recalls acknowledged, and four splashes ...
... and one of them was targeted for Laputa.
[President] Dimitri, look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane ...
... xcept the four you've shot down.
He -- Hang on a second, Dimitri.
He says their air defense now only claims three aircraft confirmed.
The fourth may only be damaged.
[General Turgidson] Mr. President, I'm beginning to smell a big, fat, Commie rat.
I mean, supposing Kissoff is lying about that fourth plane ...
... just looking for an excuse to clobber us.
If the spaghetti hits the fan now, we're in trouble.
[President] Dimitri, look, if this report is true ...
... and the plane manages to bomb the target ...
... is this gonna set off the doomsday machine?
Are you sure?
Well, I guess you're just gonna have to get that plane, Dimitri.
I'm sorry they're jamming your radar and flying so low ...
... but they're trained to do it, you know? It's initiative.
Look, Dimitri, you know exactly where they're going ...
... and I'm sure your entire air defense can stop a single plane.
Listen, it's not gonna help either one of us ...
... if the doomsday machine goes off, now, is it?
Dimitri, there's no point in you getting hysterical at a moment like this!
Dimitri. Keep your feet on the ground while you're talking, Dimitri.
I am not -- I am not getting --
No, Dimitri, I'm just worried, that's all.
Look, if our air staff say its primary target is Laputa ...
... and its secondary target is Borchov, I mean, it's true, Dimitri.
You've gotta believe it!
Look, can I -- ? Dimitri, can I give you just one word --?
Can I give you just one word of advice, Dimitri?
Put everything you've got into those two sectors, and you can't miss!
[Navigator] Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate ...
... I estimate we only have 38 minutes flying time ...
... which will not even take us as far as the primary.
[Major Kong] Doggone it, Sweets, you told me that you could get me to the primary!
[Navigator] I'm sorry, sir. That estimate was based on the original loss rate factor ...
... not at 205.
[Major Kong] I don't give a hoot in hell how you do it ...
... just get me to the primary, you hear?
[Navigator] I'm sorry, sir, but those are the figures.
We'll be lucky to reach weather ship at Tango Delta.
[Major Kong] Well, shoot!
We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink.
What's the nearest target of opportunity?
[Navigator] Sir, if the rate of loss does not increase ...
... we have a chance to reach target 384 ...
... grid coordinate 003 691 ...
... and possibly make it from there to the Tango Delta weather ship.
[Major Kong] What kind of a target is that, anyhow?
[Bombardier] Sir, that's the ICBM complex at Kotloss.
[Major Kong] All right. Designating new target: 384.
Give me a heading on that as soon as you get it worked out.
[President] Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed. Remember, we're all in this together.
We're right behind you, we're with you all the way.
Yes. Well, we'll keep the line open.
All right, Dimitri.
General Turgidson, is there really a chance for that plane to get through?
[General Turgidson] Mr. President, if I may speak freely.
The Russki talks big, but frankly, we think he's short of know-how.
You can't expect ignorant peons to understand a machine like our boys.
And that's not meant as an insult.
We all know how much guts the average Russki's got.
Look at all of them the Nazis killed off, they still wouldn't quit!
[President] Can't you stick to the point?
[General Turgidson] Well, sir, if the pilot's good, see --
I mean, if he's really sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low.
You ought to see it. It's a sight! A big plane, like a '52 ...
... it's jet exhaust frying chickens in the barnyard!
[President] Yeah, but has he got a chance?
[General Turgidson] Has he got a chance?
Hell, ye --
[Navigator] Navigator to captain.
Approaching target at distance 10 miles.
Switch from green grid to target orange.
[Major Kong] Roger. Ready for final bomb run check.
Take over, Ace.
[DSO] DSO ready.
[Bombardier] Bombardier ready, sir.
[Major Kong] Bomb fusing, master safety on.
Electronic, barometric, time and impact.
[Bombardier] Bomb fusing, master safeties on.
Electronic, barometric, time and impact.
[Major Kong] Fuse for ground burst. Delay factor yellow three.
[Bombardier] Fuse for ground burst. Delay factor yellow three.
[Major Kong] Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test.
[Bombardier] Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test. Lights on.
[Major Kong] Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.
[Bombardier] Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.
[Major Kong] Engage primary trigger switch override.
[Bombardier] Primary trigger switch override engaged.
[Major Kong] Track indicators to maximum deflection.
[Bombardier] Track indicators to maximum deflection.
[Major Kong] Detonator set to zero altitude.
[Bombardier] Detonator set to zero altitude.
[Major Kong] Release first safety.
[DSO] First safety released.
[Bombardier] First safety.
[Major Kong] Release second safety.
[DSO] Second safety released.
[Bombardier] Second safety.
[Major Kong] Check bomb door circuits one through four.
[Bombardier] Bomb door circuits, negative function, lights red.
[Major Kong] Switch in backup circuits.
Backup circuits switched in. Still negative function.
[Major Kong] Engage emergency power.
Emergency power on. Still negative function.
[Major Kong] Operate manual override!
Still negative function.
The Teleflex drive cable must be sheared away.
[Major Kong] Fire the explosive bolts!
Still negative, sir. The operating circuits are dead, sir.
[Major Kong] Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm going down below and see what I can do.
[Major Kong] Stay on the bomb run, boys.
I'm gonna get them doors open if it harelips everybody on Bear Creek!
[HI THERE! DEAR JOHN]
[Navigator] Target orange grid reference checks.
Target distance, eight miles.
[Copilot] Roger. Eight miles.
Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid.
[Bombardier] Telemetric guidance computer into orange. grid.
[Navigator] Target distance, seven miles.
Correct track indicator, minus seven.
[Copilot] Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI acceleration factor.
[Bombardier] GPI acceleration factor set.
[Navigator] Target distance, six miles.
[Copilot] Roger. Six miles. Pulse ident transponder active.
[Bombardier] Pulse ident transponder active.
[Navigator] Target distance, five miles.
[Copilot] Five miles. Homing alignment factor to zero mode.
[Bombardier] Homing alignment factor to zero mode.
[Navigator] Target distance, four miles.
[Copilot] Roger. Four miles.
Auto CDC into manual Teleflex link.
[Bombardier] Auto CDC into manual Teleflex link.
[Navigator] Target distance, three miles.
[Copilot] Roger. Three miles.
Target in sight! Where in hell is Major Kong?
[Bombardier] What about Major Kong?
[Dr. Strangelove] Mr. President, I would not rule out the chance ...
... to preserve a nucleus of human specimens.
It would be quite easy ...
... at the bottom of some of our deeper mineshafts.
The radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep.
And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space ...
... could easily be provided.
[President] How long would you have to stay down there?
[Dr. Strangelove] Well, that's, you know ...
Cobalt thorium G.
Radioactive half-life of ...
I would think that... Possibly 100 years.
[President] You mean people could actually stay down there for 100 years?
[Dr. Strangelove] It would not be difficult, mein Fuhrer.
Nuclear reactors could --
I'm sorry, Mr. President.
Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely.
Greenhouses could maintain plant life.
Animals could be bred and slaughtered.
A quick survey would have to be made ...
... of the available mine sites in the country.
But I would guess that a dwelling space ...
... for several hundred thousand of our people could easily be provided.
[President] Well, I would hate to have to decide ...
... who stays up and who goes down.
[Dr. Strangelove] Well, that would not be necessary, Mr. President.
It could easily be accomplished with a computer.
The computer could be set and programmed ...
... to accept factors from youth, health ...
... sexual fertility, intelligence ...
... and a cross-section of necessary skills.
Of course, it would be absolutely vital ...
... that our top government and military men be included ...
... to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition.
Naturally, they would breed prodigiously.
There would be much time and little to do.
But with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of, say ...
... 10 females to each male ...
... they could then work their way back to the present gross national product ...
... within, say, 20 years.
[President] But look here, doctor. Wouldn't this nucleus of survivors ...
... be so grief-stricken and anguished that they'd ...
... well, envy the dead and not wanna go on living?
[Dr. Strangelove] No, sir. Excuse me.
No, sir. When they go down into the mine, everyone would still be alive.
There would be no shocking memories ...
... and the prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind ...
... combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead!
[General Turgidson] Doctor ...
... you mentioned the ratio of 10 women to each man.
Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment ...
... of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship?
I mean, as far as men were concerned?
[Dr. Strangelove] Regrettably, yes.
But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race.
I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious ...
... service along these lines ...
... the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics ...
... which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.
[Ambassador Alexi] I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, doctor.
[Dr. Strangelove] Thank you, sir.
[General Turgidson] I think we ought to look at this from the military point of view. I mean ...
Supposing the Russkies stashed away some big bombs, see, and we didn't?
When they come out in 100 years, they could take over!
[General Faceman] I agree, Mr. President.
In fact, they might try a sneak attack so they could take over our mineshaft space.
[General Turgidson] Yeah, it'd be extremely naive of us to imagine that these new developments ...
... are gonna cause any change in Soviet expansionist policy!
I mean, we must be increasingly on the alert ...
... to prevent them from taking over mineshaft space ...
... in order to breed more than we do ...
... thus knocking us out through superior numbers when we emerge!
Mr. President, we must not allow a mineshaft gap!
[Dr. Strangelove] Sir!
I have a plan.
Mein Fuhrer -- I can walk!
THE END. MADE AT SHEPPERTON STUDIOS, ENGLAND BY HAWK FILMS LTD.