by admin » Fri Jun 10, 2016 1:59 am
Part 1 of 2
WHO'S THAT GIRL? -- ILLUSTRATED SCREENPLAY
Directed by James Foley
Screenplay by Andrew Smith and Ken Finkleman
© 1987 Warner Brothers
Warner Brothers Presents a Guber Peters Co. Production. James Foley Film. Starring Madonna, Griffin Dunne, Haviland Morris, John McMartin, Bibi Besch, and Sir John Mills. Screenplay by Andrew Smith and Ken Finkleman. Produced by Rosilyn Heller and Bernard Williams. Directed by James Foley.
[Transcribed from the movie by Tara Carreon]
[Music] I’ve got the moves, baby
You got the motion
If we got together
We’d be causing a commotion
I’ve got the moves, baby
You got the motion
If we got together
We’d be causing a commotion
You met your match when you met me
I know that you will disagree, it’s crazy
But opposites attract, you’ll see
And I won’t let you get away so easy
The love you save may be your own
Can’t fight this feeling
Aren’t you tired of being alone
You won’t admit it, but you know it’s true
It’s not a secret how I feel
When I stand next to you
I’ve got the moves, baby
You got the motion
If we got together
We’d be causing a commotion
I’ve got the moves, baby
You got the motion
If we got together
We’d be causing a commotion
I hope you find what you’re lookin’ for
Is it mine, walk through that door
We’re wastin’ time, make up your mind
And get into the groove
Then we can keep our love alive
And when it falls
We won’t let it die
It doesn’t matter if you win or lose
It’s how you play the game
So get into the groove
I’ve got the moves, baby
You got the motion
If we got together
We’d be causing a commotion
I’ve got the moves, baby
You got the motion
If we got together
We’d be causing a commotion
Causing a commotion
Causing a commotion
[FOUR YEARS LATER]
[Parole Board] Nicole Finn.
[Nikki] That's me.
[Parole Board] After reviewing your record, it is the opinion of this board
that you have responded positively to the rehabilitation program. It is also our opinion that you have served sufficient time in this institution as punishment for the crime you committed. Parole granted.
[Nikki] May I smoke?
[Parole Board Officer] Yes, of course.
[Nikki] Thank you.
[Parole Board] Ms. Finn -- the terms of your parole are quite specific. As soon as you leave here, you are to go directly to the bus station. You are going home to Pennsylvania. Uh, Philadelphia. You are to report immediately to your parole officer, and every two weeks thereafter. Do you have any questions?
[Nikki] Yeah -- you got any mascara?
***
[Tiger] ROAR!
[Shipping] Holy Shit! We can't store that thing!
[Shipping] Don't worry about it. They're sending somebody down to pick it up.
[Messenger] Hi. How are ya? You got a package for ... Mr. Montgomery Bell?
[Shipping] There you go.
[Tiger] ROAR!
***
[Loudon] Sir, I'm not an animal trainer -- I'm a tax attorney. What's the problem?
[Shipping] I'm trying to tell you -- the messenger you sent refused to pick it up.
[Loudon] Hell, it's just a cat, right?
I mean, couldn't he put it in his satchel?
Doesn't he have a little cat satchel?
[Shipping] Mr. Trott, when you say cat, I don't think you understand.
[Loudon] No, sir, I don't think you understand. Do you know who that cat belongs to? Montgomery Bell.
[Shipping] Yeah? The real estate guy?
[Loudon] Look, Shipping. Bell is my career, okay? Montgomery Bell equals Trott's career. Now, I need that cat uptown.
[Beeping]
[Shipping] What's that sound?
[Loudon] That's my fiancee.
[Wendy] Good morning, Dunbar.
[Priscilla] Congratulations, Ms. Worthington.
[Wendy] Thank you, Priscilla.
[Employee] Congratulations!
[Wendy] Thank you.
[Mildred] Oh, congratulations Ms. Worthington.
[Wendy] Thank you, Mildred.
[Loudon] [On phone] Well, I understand that. I understand that.
[Wendy] Stop it!
[Loudon] [On phone] Hold on one sec.
[To Wendy] Hi, Wendy, I'll be with you in a moment.
[Wendy] Loudon, did you call the caterers?
[Loudon] Yes, I did dear. It's all taken care of.
[Wendy] I called them too, just to be sure. Oh, by the way, my cousin Heidi can't make it.
So that leaves only 94 for my side!
[Loudon] Well, honey, just why don't you take one from my side? Okay?
[On phone] I'm sorry. I can't hear what you're saying.
[Shipping] I said, the little kitty cat can't stay here. Nobody comes and picks it up by closing, I'm going to put it back on the boat.
[Loudon] Oh, no. No, no, no. Do not do that. Do you hear me?
I'm going to come by after I pick up the tux, at 11:25. Now listen -- this animal is very valuable to me, so if you could keep your eye on it, you know, don't, don't let it out of it's cage.
[Shipping] Right.
[To fellow employee] He suggests we keep it in a cage.
[Tiger] ROAR!
***
[Wendy] Darling, don't forget. 11:10 you're being fitted for your tuxedo, and you're meeting us at 12:30 for lunch.
[Loudon] Got it. I'm on top of it here.
[Employee] So where are the two of you going for your honeymoon?
[Wendy] Oh, we've decided to postpone our honeymoon for a couple of years.
Daddy has big plans for Loudon. There'll be plenty of time for fun later.
[Beeping]
[Loudon] It's Master's voice.
[Wendy] My father is waiting for us upstairs.
[Everyone] Oh.
[Wendy] Loudon, I want you to know this prenuptial thing wasn't my idea.
[Loudon] I know that dear.
[Employee] Now which lace did you choose?
[Wendy] None of them!
[Employee] Oh.
[Loudon] [To Buck] Can I help you?
[Wendy] Loudon! This is Buck. We're receiving so many presents, they've assigned us our own E.P.C. driver. We have arrived!
[Buck] How's it hangin'?
[Loudon] It's, uh, hangin' okay. Thanks for asking, Buck.
***
[Nikki] Doom doom, mm, mm! Doom doom, mm mm!
Doom doom, mm mm! Doom doom, mm mm! Doom doom, mm mm! Doom doom, mwa.
Doom doom, mm mm! Doom doom, mm mm! Doom doom, mwa.
Doom doom, mm mm! Doom doom ...
***
[Mr. Worthington] But she's only served four years. I understood she was going to do the full seven. Good behavior? I see. And where is she going? Philadelphia? And her parole officer there is expecting her? Uh- huh. How can you make sure she gets on the bus?
So your people won't actually see her get on the bus? Well, thanks for calling Milton, and I really appreciate it. Give my love to Lisa and little Kenny and Devin.
I mean your wife, Phyllis. You have no kids.
[Wendy] Daddy -- which of these do you like for our stemware?
[Mr. Worthington] Honey, it's your wedding. It's your decision entirely.
[PING!]
[Mr. Worthington] That one.
[Wendy] I win!
[Lackey Attorney] Just finished, Mr. Worthington!
[Mr. Worthington] Ah! Good work, boys.
Ha ha!
Well, here we are, son. Just sign there.
[PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT]
[Loudon] What's this? What are these?
[Mr. Worthington] Oh, just a few do's and dont's. You don't have to read it, son. Basically, what it says is that everything I own -- the cars, the houses, the business --
someday none of it will be yours.
[Mrs. Worthington] Isn't this civilized?
[Mr. Worthington] Done.
Now everyone, if you would, excuse me? I would like to talk to my son-in-law alone for a moment.
[Wendy] EEK!
[Mrs. Worthington] Be gentle with him, dear.
[Loudon] Sir, I think I know what you're going to say, and I want you to know
that I will try to make Wendy as happy as I can.
[Mr. Worthington] Oh, hell, that doesn't matter, son, as long as you sign the agreement. Something came up today, Loudon.
A woman named Nicki Finn is being paroled from Rockford Correctional this afternoon. They're sending her home to Philadelphia.
I want you to drive her to the bus station.
[Loudon] That's it?
[Mr. Worthington] That's it. Drive her to the bus station.
It's a mile and a half. It will take you five minutes.
I want to make sure she gets on the bus.
[Loudon] Who is she? A client?
[Mr. Worthington] No, no, no. This is a public service policy the firm is trying to initiate.
We're trying to give back something to the community.
[Loudon] You mean, like a charity?
[Mr. Worthington] Exactly.
[Loudon] What have you done with the real Mr. Worthington?
[Sword] [WHOOSH, WHOOSH]
[Loudon] Listen, Sir, today is really the worst possible day for me.
[Mr. Worthington] I was thrilled when you and Wendy decided to get engaged. You know that?
[Loudon] Sir, you set my desk on fire.
[Mr. Worthington] No, I didn't.
[Loudon] Yes, Sir. You burst into my office with a five gallon can of gasoline --
[Mr. Worthington] I overreacted, I can see that now!
My point is, you have tremendous potential, Loudon.
Partner. Senior Partner. And you know why?
You can be counted on.
[Loudon] Alright. Alright. Let me just see here. Uh, I can squeeze it in between Bell's cat and lunch, I guess.
[Mr. Worthington] Good. I won't forget this, Loudon.
Operation Prisoner Shuttle is very important to me.
Now remember, put the girl on the bus personally.
I know you won't let me down.
***
[JAIL DOOR SLAMS]
[Prisoner] Yo.
[Nikki] Cigarette concession's all yours, Judy.
[Judy] Thanks, Nikki. Don't do nothin' I wouldn't do, eh?
[Nikki] They haven't invented what you wouldn't do.
Later Marilyn.
[Marilyn] Later, Nikki baby.
[Donovan] Come on! Move it!
***
[HORN PLAYS MELODY]
[Loudon] Hello, I spoke to you on the phone. I'm here to pick up Mr. Montgomery Bells' cat.
[Tiger] ROAR!
[Loudon] Oh, shit!
This thing ate Mr. Bell's cat?'
[Shipping] No, Einstein, that is the cat.
[Tiger] GROWL!
[Shipping] Look, one Patagonian Felis Concolor. Says here, they're almost extinct. There's only four of them left in the world. Apparently, this species only mates once every 26 months. It says here tonight's the night. Sign on the X.
[Loudon] Well, what's it supposed to eat?
[Shipping] Probably shit-for-brain uptown attorneys.
[Shipping] Ha ha ha!
***
[Music] Turn it up! Turn it up!
[Guard] One black leather jacket.
One plastic comb, blue. Two leather-studded bracelets, black. And one lipstick: fire-engine red.
[Donovan] All your worldly possessions.
[Nikki] Don't knock it Donovan. You can't get this shade of red anymore.
[Butch Cop] She hasn't changed since I busted her four years ago.
[Gay Cop] Well, I still say we're wasting our time.
[Butch Cop] Maybe, maybe not.
I always had a hunch somebody else was involved in the case. I think she's going to try and find whoever it is.
[Gay Cop] Do you think she knows we're here?
***
[Tiger] ROAR!
[ABSOLUTELY NO VISITORS BEYOND THIS POINT]
[Nikki] Need some help with that, Donovan? I'm out of here.
[Donovan] You ain't free till you're through that door.
Move it!
[Loudon] Hello. I'm here to pick up a Miss Nicole Finn.
[Guard] That's her.
[Nikki] Am I free now?
[Donovan] Yeah, you're free.
[Nikki] Good.
[PUNCHES DONOVAN]
[Donovan] Did you see what she did? Get her back in here, now!
[Guard] You want her back here?
[Donovan] Hell, no!
[Nikki] Be nice.
[Loudon] Excuse me. Sorry, sorry.
Excuse me, Miss Finn? Miss Finn?
Excuse me! Miss Finn?
[Nikki] Hello.
[Loudon] Hello. My name is Trott, Louden Trott. I'm an attorney with Worthington, Ferris and Clarke ...
and we're initiating a new public service program. It's called "Operation Prisoner Shuttle."
[Nikki] Operation Prisoner Shuttle?
[Loudon] Yes. What we do is provide recently paroled people,
such as yourself, rides to wherever they wish to go.
[Nikki] Isn't that sweet? Is that your car, Loudon?
[Loudon] Yes. Well no, it's not my car, it's my family's car. Well, they're not really my family yet.
I'm more of a Volvo man, myself. It's a pretty car, just a little overstated for my taste. But it um --
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[Loudon] Excuse me.
Not funny. Alright, alright, just stop right here.
[Gay Cop] No, no, no babe, let's take this car.
[Butch Cop] What?
[Gay Cop] This thing says undercover cop all over it.
[Butch Cop] Yeah, right -- we'll take the one that has pretentious asshole written all over it.
Oh, God! Oh!
[Gay Cop] Don't slam -- God.
[Loudon] Fine, fine. Just go straight ahead. The bus station's straight ahead.
[Tiger] GROWL!
[Nikki] Neat! You got a tiger.
[Loudon] No, it's a Patagonian Felis Concolor. There's only four of them left in the whole world. Going on three.
[Nikki] What's his name? Hi, baby.
[Loudon] Lady, I don't know his name, I'm just delivering him. Where's my seat belt?!
[Nikki] How about Murray?
[Loudon] How about Murray what?
[Nikki] How about Murray the tiger? If there's only four left, it's not likely there's another Murray. Am I right?
[Loudon] I guess there's a certain logic to that?
[HORN HONKS]
[Loudon] Oh dear Lord.
[Nikki] Hang on, Murray!
[Loudon] God. God.
[Nikki] Hey -- a mall!
[Loudon] Are you out of your mind?
Easy! Please no! Holy smoke!
[Nikki] See -- you park on the slant so nobody scratches.
[Loudon] Okay, that's it. Fine. Nobody's hurt. Nobody's hurt.
[Nikki] Loudon, don't be mad at me, okay? It's just that I've been stuck in that cage for four years ...
and I just went a little crazy, and it won't happen again.
[Loudon] You're right! You're right! This will not happen again!
[Nikki] But as long as we're here, can we go in for a few seconds?
[Loudon] No!
[Nikki] Please?
[Loudon] No!
[Nikki] Why not? My bus doesn't leave for a half hour, and I can't go back to Philly
without any presents for my mom. She thinks I've been shopping.
[Loudon] Shopping? For four years?
[Nikki] Uh-huh. So I can't exactly go back empty-handed, because it isn't very nice.
[Loudon] Alright, alright. Fifteen minutes, and then straight to the bus station. You promise?
[Nikki] Promise.
[Loudon] Who are you?
[Gay Cop] Who's the guy?
[Butch Cop] I don't know.
A wild card.
Damn it!
[Gay Cop] Hey! Listen, don't slam, don't --
***
[Nikki] What?
[Loudon] Come on, Miss Finn, it's getting late.
Hey, look, the clerk forgot to take the tag off this one!
[Nikki] How about that.
[BEEPING]
[Loudon] Well, that's it. Fifteen minutes. Come on, come on. I'm getting worried about the cat.
The Patagonian Felis. Murray.
[Nikki] Is there a later bus?
[Loudon] No. No. There's not.
[Nikki] Isn't there a 1:45?
[Loudon] No, they canceled that one. It was in the paper this morning.
[Nikki] Ah, gee, because there's something else I gotta do.
[Loudon] Oh, now, come on. We had a deal. You said you would go straight to the bus station.
[Nikki] I will. Just gotta make a little detour.
To 735 135th street, Apartment 6.
[Loudon] That's Harlem. What's in Harlem?
[Nikki] Nothing special. Just gotta get a gun.
[Loudon] A gun? A gun?
Absolutely not. No way. No. No can do. Sorry.
[Nikki] Look, it'll take us a half an hour, max. 10 minutes to get there, 5 minutes to make the connection.
We'll be there in plenty of time to make the 1:45, and you'll never see me again, except maybe in your dreams.
[Loudon] Nightmares. Nightmares is the word you're looking for, Miss Finn.
[Nikki] Nikki.
[Loudon] Miss Nikki.
[Nikki] Nah, Miss Finn.
[Loudon] Miss Nifkin. Listen, listen ...
you've been out of prison exactly twenty three minutes. Now, I'm not a criminal lawyer, no, but I suspect it's very illegal --
[Nikki] Hey, meet me out front. I gotta ditch this guy.
[Loudon] So my advice to you is to seek some professional help. I mean, get a job or something. You know, even a menial job at this point --
[ALARM]
[Security] I got you!
[Loser] Oh, hey. No. I swear I didn't take nothing. What are you doing?
[Nikki] Let's get out of here. There's nothing here I want.
[Security] What is this?
[Loser] Beethoven? Oh, give me a break.
[Nikki] Good work, pal. Lock him up and throw away the key.
Hah!
[Security] Thanks, ma'am.
I knew you were up to no good.
***
[Nikki] Loudon, I've been thinking it over. You know, you're right. I don't need any more trouble in my life. I'm going to get on that bus and go back to Philly, start all over again.
[Loudon] Well, I think you're doing the right thing.
[Nikki] Yeah. Thanks for everything.
Goodbye Murray. I'm going to miss you most of all.
[Loudon] Wait, I'm driving you.
[Nikki] No, you've done enough for me already.
[Tiger] PURRING.
[Loudon] But, I'm supposed to make sure you get on the bus.
[Tiger] PURRING.
[Loudon] Come on, get in.
[Nikki] Can I drive?
[Loudon] No! Absolutely not!
[Tiger] GROWL!
[Loudon] Alright.
Maybe.
[Tiger] GROWL!
[Loudon] Alright. But no tricks.
[Nikki] No tricks.
[Loudon] You promise?
[Nikki] I promise. I promise. No tricks.
Hey, Loudon. Guess what?
Tricks!
[CRASH]
Sorry!
[Butch Cop] They're getting away.
[Loudon] Oh, my God. You robbed that store! Where are we going?
[Nikki] I robbed nothing. When you rob a store, you stick up the cashier. I boosted a few tapes. There's a bit of a difference.
[Loudon] Alright. I didn't want to do this, but I have no choice.
Citizen's arrest.
[Nikki] Citizen's arrest?
Kid, you're so cute. Here it is.
[Loudon] Oh, my God!
[Nikki] We'll make it!
[Loudon] I'll accept anything but a tie!
[Music] I've tried and tried to get next to you
My friends say I am blind, I'll never break through
[Nikki] Detour! Ha ha!
[Loudon] Freight train! Freight train! Freight train!
[Music] But I don't give in so easily
This I know, you just wait and see
This I know, you just wait and see
I know that you're afraid that I might
Come steal your heart away in the night
But I can't take away what's not mine
You'll see, you'll come to me in time, can't stop
Can't stop thinking about you babe, can't stop
Can't stop screaming and shouting your name, can't stop
Look out boy 'cause I'm going to the top
Of your list, can't stop
[POLICE SIREN]
[Nikki] Now look what you've done.
[Tiger] GROWL!
[Cop] Alright, get out of the car with your hands up.
[Nikki] Oh, officer, thank god you found us. See, my husband's having a heart attack and
we got to get him to the hospital. Is this the way?
[Cop] Let me see your license.
[Nikki] I don't have a license.
You see, I was only driving because it was an emergency, and I mean, look at him!
[Loudon] Ah! Help me!
***
[Nikki] Listen, you're in real good hands.
Oh God, he's so young!
[Nurse] Are you his wife?
[Nikki] Uh-huh.
[Nurse] I'm going to need some information. What's the patient's name?
[Nikki] Loudon.
[Nurse] Uh-huh. Loudon what?
[Nikki] Clear.
[Nurse] Loudon Clear. Mrs. Clear have you noticed anything wrong with your husband recently?
[Nikki] Well, he hasn't exactly been Valentino in the sack lately, if that's what you mean.
[Loudon] Ah!
[Nikki] Oh, God!
Hey, he's hysterical. Can't you give him something?
I mean, help! He's in agony!
[Loudon] Ah! Ah. Ah.
***
[Loudon] No.
[Nurse] How are you feeling Mr. Clear?
[Loudon] My wallet, my clothes.
[Nurse] Oh, your wife took everything home. She's going to be back later with your pajamas.
[Loudon] My wife? Oh, my God. She didn't take the Rolls?
[Nurse] Oh, it's a beautiful car. She gave some of the girls a ride in it.
[Loudon] Oh no, no, no -- not Mrs. Worthington's Rolls Royce?
[Nurse] Mm-hmm.
[Loudon] But Murray's in it.
[Nurse] Mm-hmm.
[Loudon] She's got Murray!
[Nurse] Mm-hmm.
[Loudon] Harlem! Harlem! I've got to get to Harlem!
[Nurse] Mr. Clear!
Oh, Mr. -- you can't go anywhere. We still have to run more tests.
[Loudon] My name is not Clear, and I'm perfectly, perfectly fine.
I'm a lawyer, see, I'm a lawyer, see, and I know my rights. I'm going to Harlem.
What is wrong with this door?
[Nurse] Well, you just -- you just have to push.
[Loudon] Yeah.
Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
Okay. 735 135th Street! Step on it!
[Taxi Driver] Sure thing. I'm not supposed to pick up anybody without their clothes on. Company policy.
Damn good policy, too.
[Gun Punk] 9 millimeter, semiautomatic
only 33 moving parts.
[Nikki] Yap Yap Yap Yap!
[Gun Punk] For easy stripping and uh, cleaning. 27 ounces, fits in your pocketbook, light and deadly. A favorite with the ladies.
[Nikki] Very nice.
[Gun Punk] The ever popular .44 magnum with chrome finish -- effective but common. And for more serious self-defense ...
you've got your AK47 Soviet Assault rifle. Or the AUGSA 45 millimeter,
really the cutting edge of automatic fire power.
[Nikki] Now you're talkin'.
Hah!
[Gun Punk] I got assault knives, 10-inch blades, car stereos, compact disc players, watches, video cameras,
I've got bootleg tapes, I've got Italian suits, shoes, designer jeans --
[Taxi Driver] Oh, you're gettin' married, are you?
[Loudon] Yup. Tomorrow at 12, I'm marrying Wendy Worthington.
[Taxi Driver] You? Nah. You marry Wendy Worthington? I can't see it. You're not her type.
[Loudon] You know Wendy?
[Taxi Driver] Sure -- Wendy from Scarsdale. I had her in the cab once.
[Loudon] Well, just because you happened to have given her a ride doesn't mean you know her type.
[Taxi Driver] I didn't say I gave her a ride. I said I had her in the cab. Well, here we are. That'll be $6.50.
[Loudon] I don't have any money.
[Taxi Driver] Ah, forget it. Any friend of Wendy's --
[Loudon] Hey! Hey! Get away from there! Go on! Get away! No! No! No! Get off! Get away!
This is my stuff. This is my car. Put that down.
[Vandal] What's wrong with you?
[Loudon] What ...
[Vandal] Come on.
[Loudon] But -- hey! What are you doing?
Don't do that! Don't do that! Uh-huh. Oh, my God!
There was a Patagonian Felis in here. A Patagonian Felis was in this cage.
Murray? Murray! Come here, boy. Here kitty, kitty -- God damn it! Come on. Cut that out. Leave it, leave it.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[Vandal] Hello.
No, this is not Loudon.
[To Loudon] Loudon? You Loudon?
[Loudon] Yeah.
[Vandal] Telephone.
[Loudon] Hello?
[Mr. Worthington] Loudon?
How's it going, son?
[Loudon] Oh, Mr. Worthington. Sir, actually there's been a wrinkle or two at this end.
[Mr. Worthington] You did take care of that charitable errand we discussed, didn't you?
[Loudon] Actually, the charitable errand missed the bus.
[Mr. Worthington] That's not what I want to hear, Loudon.
[Loudon] But I'm going to have her on the next one, guaranteed. No problem.
[To Vandal] Stop that.
[Mr. Worthington] I see.
[Loudon] Uh, sir, how dangerous is this person?
[Mr. Worthington] Her bark is much worse than her bite.
[Loudon] Well, what does she bite, sir? It's important that I know that.
[Mr. Worthington] I think we'd all be a lot happier on this most joyous of weekends if Nikki Finn were far, far away.
[Loudon] Oh, I couldn't agree with that more, Sir. She'll be on the next bus. Guaranteed. No problem.
[Mr. Worthington] I hope so.
Here's Wendy.
[Wendy] Loudon?
Where are you sweetie? We've already finished the first course.
[Loudon] I'm in, uh, Scarsdale.
[Vandal] Yeah, check this out!
[Loudon] Why don't you, why don't you go ahead and order without me.
[Wendy] Did you get the ring?
[Loudon] Oh -- damn it. I haven't gotten to that yet. I'm running a little behind schedule here.
[Wendy] You will be at the Co-op interview won't you?
[Loudon] Oh, absolutely. Sure. Of course. I'll meet you there, okay?
[Bum] Hey, white boy, give me a dollar?
[Wendy] Loudon! Exactly what part of Scarsdale are you in?
[Loudon] Honey, I've really got to go. Kiss, kiss. Bye bye.
[Mrs. Worthington] Darling, where is he?
[Wendy] Scarsdale.
[Loudon] Come on, get back here! Bring that back!
[Vandals] Shut up, white boy.
[Loudon] Oh, God.
[Undercover cop] Go ahead and piss on me, you bastard.
[To police headquarters] We got a problem. The gun runner's in number 6. Let's move.
[Gun Punk] That's "B" for boy, 321-7621-413.
[Nikki] Hey, you got these in pink?
[Gun Punk] Hold on. Pink? Let me check.
[Loudon] Alright! Where's Murray?
[Nikki] Hi!
Hold it. He's with me.
[Gun Punk] You set me up, punk!
[Nikki] Get real.
[Gun Punk] Stay there! Both of you!
Nobody breathe!
The name is Loudon Trout.
[Nikki] Trott.
[Gun Punk] Trott, T-R-O-T-T. Expiration date 6/89. Amount $2,340.
[Loudon] You don't have to call it in, it's a Gold Card stupid.
[Nikki] Easy, Chuckles.
[Loudon] Just tell me. I won't be upset. I really just want to know.
Are you the anti-Christ?
You can tell me, really. I swear I won't be mad.
You are, aren't you?
[Nikki] Move.
[Undercover cop] Charlie, they're upstairs.
[Nikki] Uh-oh.
[Cop] Okay, Murph, I'm right behind you.
[Nikki] This way!
[Loudon] A mile and a half. A mile and a half. Just take her to the bus station.
A mile and a half.
What'd you do with Murray?
[Nikki] He had to go. I let him out.
[Loudon] No, you didn't.
[Nikki] Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[GUNSHOTS]
[Loudon] Oh, whoa!
[Nikki] Jump!
[Loudon] Oh!
[Nikki] Come on!
[Loudon] Are you insane?
[Nikki] I did it, you can do it.
[Loudon] You're a criminal; I'm a tax attorney.
I'll be alright here. I'm sure somebody called the cops.
[Nikki] They are the cops.
[GUNSHOTS]
[Loudon] Maybe if I just explain.
[Nikki] Explain what, Trott ...
that we were buying four stolen semi-automatic weapons on your Gold Card?
[Loudon] Oh, hey!
[SIREN]
[Nikki] Ha ha ha ha!
[Cop] Hey, over here!
[Cop] I got the other kid!
[Loudon] They'll put us in separate cells, won't they?
I mean, we won't be rooming together?
[Nikki] Relax, Counselor, nobody's going to prison.
[Loudon] Alright, let's see here.
Lunch, that's off. Got to find Murray, that's number one.
[Nikki] Wow, you print everything. And you never go below the line. I'm very impressed.
[Loudon] Good, because impressing you is what I live for.
Alright. Tux -- got that, sort of.
Okay, got to go to Cartier, pick up the ring.
[Nikki] Oh.
A ring, huh?
[Loudon] Yeah. A wedding ring. I'm getting married tomorrow.
[Nikki] Oh, great. What's her name?
[Loudon] Wendy.
[Nikki] Oh, Wendy! That's a nice name. I'd like to meet her.
[Loudon] Well, you two really don't have much in common, you see, she being ...
a mere human person and you being a force of nature.
[FIRE ALARM]
[Loudon] Oh, God.
[Residents] [SCREAM]
[SIREN]
[Nikki] Two guys are following me out there. I think they're crazy.
[Loudon] They must be.
[Nikki] Yeah. You know, in high school we used to hang out in these things all the time,
sneaking cigarettes, lying about boys. Making big plans.
[Loudon] Is that when you started murdering people?
[Nikki] Hey, I'm a thief. I admit that. But I never killed anybody.
[Loudon] Alright, alright.
[Nikki] I was framed, Loudon. I was going with this guy named Johnny. Small time booster bookmaker type. Johnny finds out about this big white-collar guy who's into a lot of bogus stuff, but I never knew his name.
Johnny gets the goods on this guy, though. He gets everything -- photos, tapes, financial records, stuff like that.
Then, Johnny puts it all in a safety deposit box, and he gives me the key, see?
He decides to blackmail the dude, but the dude doesn't bend. The dude has some creep named Raoul to hit Johnny. Raoul stuffs the body in the trunk of my car, I don't know it's there, I take a red light, the cops stop me, and they find Johnny in a bunch of pieces in the back of the car. The judge called it a crime of passion.
Hey, I liked Johnny, but not enough to kill him.
[Loudon] These things happen.
[Nikki] Yeah, but Johnny never told me the name of the bank or the box number that this key goes to, but Raoul knows. Raoul got it out of him before he finished him off. So I got the key, Raoul's got the box number, so we gotta get Raoul. What do you say? You help me?
[Loudon] Help you what?
[Nikki] Clear my name.
[Loudon] Clear your name? That's what this is all about, clearing your name?
[Nikki] Yeah.
[Loudon] Why don't you just go and steal one?
[Nikki] Come on, just help me out ...
and I'll be on the next bus, I swear to God, Trott. Don't send me back to Philly a murderess.
[Loudon] Well, uh, this guy, Raoul, he really, he sounds like trouble.
[Nikki] Yeah, but we can handle him, you and me. 'Cause we're a team, Loudon, a lean, mean fighting machine of a team.
Come on, somewhere deep down inside of there I see a fighter in you. Admit it.
[Loudon] Well, you know I fence. I started fencing when I was in prep school. My father never approved, though. He didn't think it was very manly.
[Nikki] Fence, huh? I knew you had it in you.
[Loudon] Yeah, I won the State intercollegiate.
But my father never came to see me.
[Nikki] Why would your father ...
want to watch you turn over stolen goods?
[Loudon] Um.
[Nikki] You're twisted.
[Loudon] Yeah.
[Nikki] No, I mean your glasses. Stay still. I'll fix them.
[Loudon] No, that's okay.
[Nikki] You got really neat hands.
[Loudon] Thank you, they came with the arm.
[Nikki] This arm?
[Loudon] Yeah.
[Nikki] This arm?
[Loudon] Yes.
[Nikki] This arm?
[Loudon] Same one.
Ah!
[Nikki] Feel good?
[Loudon] Uh, yes, actually.
[Nikki] So you gonna help me?
[Loudon] Uh, yeah.
[Nikki] Ha ha! Goody!
[Loudon] No, oh, I mean, I'll consider it. If you help me. We had a Patagonian Felis in the back seat? Murray? Murray? Perhaps you remember Murray.
[Nikki] [WHISTLES]
[Loudon] How did you do that?
[Tiger] ROAR!
[Nikki] I have my methods.
***
[Gay Cop] Are they still sittin' there. What could they be up to?
[Butch Cop] What do you care? You're paid by the hour.
What'd you get?
[Gay Cop] Oh, I got the cold quail with pesto and cubed goat cheese.
It's marinated in a little olive oil and thyme, and well I picked up the wild rice with French morel mushrooms on a bed of radicchio lettuce, and there's a little dijon dressing on the side. I got that for you.
[Nikki] [HUMMING WITH RADIO]
Loudon, why do you think they call these things McNuggets?
[Loudon] I don't know, Nikki. One of life's greatest unsolved mysteries.
[Nikki] Murray sure likes them.
Here, try some sweet and sour sauce, honey.
There he is!
[Loudon] One of them's big, very big.
[Nikki] Yeah, yeah.
Not as big as this. Let's do it.
[CAR CRASH]
[Pedestrian] Uh-oh. Someone's got a problem.
[Nikki] Turn around, walk down that street, look back, and you're dead.
[Chauffeur] Yeah.
[Nikki] Move!
Don't even think about it!
[Raoul] Nikki!
[Nikki] Long time Raoul.
Take them out with your fingertips and drop them on the floor, thank you.
[Loudon] Listen, I just witnessed an accident back there. I'm going to at least go back and give my name.
[Nikki] Drive!
[Loudon] What?
[Nikki] I said get in and drive!
[HORNS HONK]
[Raoul] What's this all about, Nikki.
[Nikki] Cut the innocent act, Raoul. I know you hit Johnny. How you doing, Loudon?
[Loudon] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No!
[HIS GLASSES FLY OUT THE WINDOW]
[Nikki] Loudon don't see too good without his glasses.
[Raoul] Nikki, don't do anything crazy.
[Nikki] I'm out of control, you little poindexterhead.
[SHOOTS OUT THE BACK WINDOW]
I want the name of the bank and the safety deposit box number, now!
[Raoul] What good is that going to do? No one's ever found the key.
[Nikki] Honey, I never lost it.
I've been sittin' on this thing for four years.
Yeah.
You're doin' fine, Loudon.
[Loudon] Thank you, thank you.
[Raoul] No he ain't!
[Nikki] Yes he is! The name of the bank and the box number, now!
[Raoul] Nikki, don't get mental now! We can talk this out!
[Nikki] What's the matter? You afraid of what I might find in that box? Huh?
I think you better find a place to park, Loudon.
[Loudon] Okay.
[Nikki] Nice spot.
Okay, everybody out. Let's go. Come on. No monkey business. Let's go.
Move it.
[Loudon] Oh! Ow!
[Gay Cop] Man, I'd hate to be way up there like that hanging on a car door.
[Butch Cop] I'd hate to be way up there like that and not hanging on to a car door.
[Nikki] Keep goin'. You too, Shorty, up against the car.
[Loudon] Tim out, time out.
[Nikki] I want that number.
[Raoul] Looks like your boyfriend's in trouble.
[Nikki] Later for him!
[Loudon] Later?
[Nikki] Loudon, I'm busy --
hey, hey, give me that. Hey!
[GUNSHOT]
Hey, that's my gun.
Hey, thank you. Aha.
My gun.
Stop it! Get away from me, you big bad bully!
[COCKS GUN]
[Raoul] Huh!
[Loudon] Now talk! Cartier closes in half an hour!
[Raoul] Kawamatsu Bank!
[Loudon] Kawamatsu!
[Raoul] On Madison. Box Number 6111.
[Nikki] Trott! Help!
[Loudon] Oh, now you need my help! How the worm has turned!
[Nikki] Loudon, please!
[Loudon] Well, what about later for him?
[Nikki] I didn't mean it. I had my fingers crossed.
[Loudon] Alright.
[Nikki] Ow!
[Benny] Ow!
[Nikki] Whoa!
[Benny] Whoa!
[SPLASH]
[HORN PLAYS MELODY]
[Loudon] Fire hydrant, fire hydrant, fire hydrant. Excuse me, fire hydrant.
[Nikki] Listen, why can't we go to the bank first?
[Loudon] No! We did one of your things already. We murdered the pimp and the fat man. Now it's time to do one of my things.
[Nikki] Is that what you're upset about? Should I tell you something, Trott?
We did the world a favor. I mean those guys were scum.
Hey, they weren't even scum. They aspired one day to be scum.
[Loudon] Nonetheless, nonetheless, nonetheless, double homicide was not on my agenda.
[Nikki] Look, I got a good idea. Why don't you just tell me the box number, and I'll go to the bank, and I'll meet you back here? It'll save time.
[Loudon] Listen to me you little insane person. I'm not letting you out of my sight. I gave my word I would see you on that bus ...
and until that glorious moment comes, you and I are stuck together like glue, like Mutt and Jeff, Amos and Andy, Frick and Frack ...
Spic and Span, Yin and Yang, Arm and Hammer, Pork and Beans.
[Nikki] [SLAPS HIM]
[Nikki] The bank closes in a half an hour.
[Loudon] Yeah.
[Gay Jewelry Guy] Good afternoon, Mr. Trott.
[Loudon] Afternoon.
[Gay Jewelry Guy] How's mother, sir?
[Loudon] Mother? Fine, fine.
[Jewelry Lady] Tomorrow's the big day, sir.
Congratulations.
[Loudon] Thank you. Thank you.
[Jewelry Lady] The ring is all ready for you, sir.
[Gay Jewelry Guy] I don't recognize Madame, Sir? An out-of-town guest?
[Nikki] Out-of-town, sort of. I'm Loudon's, uh, cous --
Mr. Trott's sister.
[Gay Jewelry Guy] Sister? I wasn't aware Mr. Trott had a sister.
[Nikki] Been away a few years.
[Gay Jewelry Guy] Boarding school?
[Nikki] Boarding school, right.
[Gay Jewelry Guy] Switzerland?
[Nikki] Excuse me?
[Gay Jewelry Guy] I said was the school Swiss?
[Nikki] Sure. Sure, one of the Swissest.
[Car Thief] Can you handle it?
[Car Thief] Do it, do it.
[Car Thief] Can you handle it? Do it today, man.
[Car Thief] Today.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[Car Thief] We're cool.
[Car Thief] Let's go.
[Car Thief] Go!
[HORN HONKS]
[Car Thief] Yo. Whoo!
[HORN PLAYS MELODY]
[Nikki] Excuse me, I'd like to take a look at that.
I like this. It's very sweet.
Hmm. Think this'll fit on a tiger?
[Gay Jewelry Guy] Tiger?
No question.
[Jewelry Lady] There you are, sir. Shall I put this on Mother's account?
[Loudon] Yes.
[Nikki] Put this on Mother's account too ...
for Murray.
[Loudon] [WHISPERS] Have mercy.
[Nikki] But Loudon, he's almost extinct.
[Gay Jewelry Guy] Well, I see the clasp is broken. I can get this fixed.
[Nikki] Hey! Give me that key!
[Gay Jewelry Guy] Aah!
[Nikki] I want my key! Give me that key!
[CRASH]
[Customer] Oh, no!
[Customer] Oh!
[Security] No you don't!
[Nikki] Let me down. I want my key.
Come back here. Give me my key!
Put me down! You get over here!
[Loudon] Oh, my God! Where's the car?
[Nikki] Wait! There they are!
[Loudon] Where's the car? Murray! Murray!
[Nikki] Aaaaaaaaahh!
Thank you. Get in here.
Sorry.
[Loudon] Well, what about Mrs. Worthington's car? What about Murray?
[Nikki] Later, Loudon. Follow that brown E.P.C. truck, okay?
[Loudon] [To cabdriver] There's an extra 20 in this if you can explain to me what's going on.
[To Nikki] Oh. Hey, hey. You stole that from Cartier. That's grand theft.
[Nikki] Thanks.
[Loudon] But they're going to come after us.
[Nikki] Loudon, you don't seem to understand. They don't care about this stuff.
Those places they deal in diamonds. They don't want the diamonds stolen, so they put stuff like this out for people to take. It's what you call in business a loss leader.
They want us to steal it, yeah.
You understand that? It's like a promotional thing with them.
[Loudon] Excuse me. Do you mind?
[GETS INTO FRONT SEAT]
Ahh.
[Taxi Driver] Here's your truck.
Hey, this is where Wendy Worthington lives!
[Loudon] You're right.
[Nikki] Hey.
[Loudon] How'd you know that?
[TaxI Driver] I had her in me cab once. Peace.
[Nikki] You want to hurry it up in there?
Come on.
[Wendy] Does that feel better, Buck?
[Buck] Mm.
[Wendy] A lot of people take the E.P.C. for granted, don't they?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[Wendy] Not us.
[DOOR OPENS]
[Wendy] Loudon! This is my bed and kitchen shower! You're not supposed to be here.
Why are you dressed like that?
You can't go to the Co-op interview dressed like that.
Did you get the ring?
[Buck] How's it hangin'?
[Nikki] Wendy! My God!
Well, you just look every bit the little thing Loudon described!
[Wendy] Loudon ... who is this woman?'
[Nikki] Loudon, shame on you honey.
I thought you told Wendy. Well, I'm Loudon's cousin ...
Nikki Sue Trott. The Atlanta Trotts with the three T's.
Give us a kiss.
[Bridesmaids] Ooh!
[Nikki] I just love that little thing you're wearin'.
Loudon, she's got the cutest little figure.
What a cute, teeny tiny, almost non-existent little figure. I'll mingle.
[Wendy] Loudon, now you didn't say anything about a cousin from Atlanta.
[Loudon] Very complicated, dear.
[On Telephone] Yes. The A.S.P.C.A.? Yes, I would like to report a wild Concolor missing.
[Wendy] Dear, I thought we agreed the guest list was locked?
Are you listening to me, Loudon?
[Loudon] No. No, dear, I'm not.
[On Telephone] A Patagonian Felis, Concolor, last seen at 57th and 5th.
[Wendy] Loudon, what is this all about?
[Loudon] I'll hold.
[To Wendy] Your mother's car was stolen from Cartier with a very rare animal in it.
[Wendy] Oh, no, not the Rolls?
Mummy's Rolls?
[Buck] I saw the whole thing. Don't worry, Ms. Worthington, I got the license number.
[Wendy] You got the license number of our car?
[Buck] I wrote it down.
[Wendy] Is it possible for you to be any dumber?
[Buck] I don't see how.
[Wendy] Bye, Buck.
[Bridesmaid] What is it?
[Bridesmaid] Oh, bye, bucky-duck.
[Bridesmaid] Oh, see you later.
[Bridesmaid] Bye bye, Buck.
[Bridesmaid] We love you.
[Nikki] I just can't help myself. I love gettin' presents.
[Bridesmaid] That's from me.
[Bridesmaid] They're gorgeous.
[Bridesmaid] Solid 24 karat.
[Bridesmaid] Of course.
[Nikki] 18.
Anyway, as I was sayin' -- the family's just beside themselves with happiness. I mean, you can't imagine how relieved we all was when we found out that old Loudon here was getting engaged.
[Bridesmaids] Yeah.
[Nikki] I mean, Loudon? Marrying a woman?
Got it!
[HORN HONKS MELODY]
[Nikki] Murray!
[Loudon] Murray!
[Wendy] Mummy's Rolls!
[Bridesmaid] Bye!
[Bridesmaid] Bye Miss Trott!
[Nikki] Loudon, come on! Let's go!
[Wendy] Loudon, where are you going? You won't be late for the Co-Op interview?
[Bridesmaids] Aaaaaaaah!
[Loudon] Murray! Stop that car! Murray! Murray, get down!
[Nikki] [WHISTLES]
[Murray] GRRR.
[Car Thief] Hey, Moe, it's a monster.
[People] [Screaming]
[Tiger] GRRR!