Part 2 of 6
[Crowd Cheering, Faint]
[President Richard Nixon]Tonight, ladies and gentlemen...
he stands before you...
nominated for president of the United States.
You can see why I believe deeply in the American dream.
For most of us, the American revolution has been won.
The American dream has come true.
Well, I ask you to help me make that dream come true...
for millions to whom it is an impossible dream today.
[Laughing]
[Clock Chimes Once]
[President Richard Nixon] Uh, Roberto?
Would you, uh, erase everything, please, back to, uh...
"I see the face of a...
child."
Oh, yes, um, would you also send Fernando's wife a, uh --
Shit!
Goddamn Kennedys!
They stole the 1960 election in Chicago.
Then they told me to go in there and blow it wide open.
And I would have! I could have -- Shit!
Um, yes, Roberto, would you, um...
send Fernando's wife a, uh --
a basket of fruit also.
Would you make that a big basket, please?
Poor woman. She, uh --
She had a, uh --
Because of the, uh -- She --
Your Honor, the Watergate was nothing more than a misdemeanor...
copping a plea, a third-rate burglary.
It was nothing more than a convenient hook...
upon which to hang my client's political body.
Because before anybody in the world ever heard the word "Watergate"...
the Nixon presidency was over.
Your Honor, my client had faced, as you know...
the acid test of six major crises.
But I -- See...
this is not like 1952...
when I could go to the public with my side of the story.
Oh, yes! [Chuckles]
You see, the whole country was waiting.
Ike had just dropped me like a, uh -- That bastard son of a --
Well, when the cameras came on, I was going to drop out of the race.
As a matter of fact, I had promised, uh, uh, uh, Pat...
that I was going to, uh --
Pat, of course, is my, uh -- [Stammers] Out of the race -- Wife.
Well, you know, it's true.
She did still believe in me in 1952.
When someone believes in you, someone to whom you've made a promise to --
I couldn't! I --
Well, then when I lost in California in '62...
I really was going to drop out of the race.
As a matter of fact, I wrote it -- Well, I wrote it down.
And I, uh, I carried it around in my, uh, uh, uh, uh --
The, uh, uh -- The promise...
to, uh, uh, uh -- to Pat.
"I promise not to run for public --"
Uh, uh -- In my, uh, wallet -- [Stammers]
I couldn't! I --
Well, even then, of course, you know, she -- she did believe in me.
And they spit on her down in South America.
My God, I'm so sorry for that. But I couldn't --
I couldn't quit...
with my tail between my, you know, legs like that!
My wife does not wear a mink coat!
My wife wears a good Republican cloth coat.
And my little dog, Checkers, he --
[Blows Raspberry, Laughing]
And I cried.
And the public cried with me.
And Ike -- The old man couldn't get rid of me! Yes!
I could always cry in public.
Dr. Birdsell, my dramatic coach in school...
always said that I...
was the most melancholy Dane that he had ever directed.
To be...
or not --
Yes.
That is the question, all right.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
or to take arms against --
Look, I am not your stinking caddy anymore.
Everyone used to say that Adlai Stevenson was Hamlet.
No, no, that is not true. It was me who was really Hamlet, and Ike was the king!
I never even got to see all the rooms in the White House...
until Johnson became president.
Shit! Ike -- Ike introduced me to a crowd one time...
as Nick Dixon, for Christ's sake!
See, what he would do -- He would drag his coattails, then he would pull them away...
and he would leave me standing there high and dry.
I was running. I-I was always running.
I was trying so hard to make the team that I was always offsides. Well --
Just like my old man.
He sold the lemon grove. Then they discovered oil on it.
Well, shit!
Not me. Not to the manor born.
You see, I had to pretend not to see all the snubs and the sniggers...
and the sneers.
I had to put up a front.
Welcome to Denmark! [Chuckling]
My -- My first debate when I was in high school...
resolved, "Girls are no good," and I won!
[Continues Chuckling]
My second debate resolved, "Cows are better than horses."
You see, I --
I always hated girls. [Stammers]
Well, you know, in high school I couldn't -- I couldn't stay away from 'em.
You know how it is when you're -- You know what I did?
I founded the Orthogonian Society.
That's all boys, no girls. Just square shooters.
And our motto was, uh...
"Beans, Brains, Brawn and Bowels."
And we -- we -- we had this, uh -- [Chuckles]
We -- We all used to, uh -- [Clears Throat]
[Singing] All hail the mighty boar
Our patron beast is he
Ecrasons l'infame
Our battle cry will be
Brothers together
We'll travel on and on
Worthy the name
Of Orthogonian[Plays a chord on the piano]
[Laughing]
Resolved -- Resolved to win, period...
because that is the American system.
You take either side -- It doesn't even matter which one --
and you go on the attack!
It's like, uh, football -- No! No, no, no, no. It's like poker.
The winners make jokes, but the loser says, "Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal!"
[Sputtering, Laughing]
Roberto, would you erase all that crap, please.
Back to, uh, uh, the lesser of two, uh, uh, evils.
No, no, no, no. Back about -- Before the, uh, uh, break-in.
[Softly] Thank you, Roberto.
Your Honor...
there were three charges...
of impeachment brought against me.
None of them could be proved. They all knew that.
Kennedy's hit man, John Doar --
And he had a hundred bloodhounds working for him.
They told him -- And we have ways of knowing this, Your Honor --
They told him, "There is no case against the president, period."
Your Honor, the impeachment process itself was simply the grandest cover-up of all.
There can only be one -- And you know this -- one impeachment charge...
and that is, treason, bribery and other high crimes and misdemeanors.
Well, so they brought a load of --
Well, shit, we gave them a load of chicken-shit charges against me...
and none of them stuck, and none of their theories either.
You see, I happen to know what was going on inside the committee.
Shit, the theories, for Christ's sake!
[Laughs] Let's see, there was the, uh, tip-of-the-iceberg theory. Hmm?
Oh, yes, then there was the narrow-escape theory.
Oh, the robber baron baloney and all that crap -
Oh! We must not forget the higher-standard-of-conduct theory.
That's rich! [Chuckles]
The Founding Fathers caused the White House...
to be built in a swamp in the first place, for Christ's sake...
and Congress up on a goddamn hill!
The Founding Fathers were nothing more than a bunch of snotty English shits...
who never trusted any elected president to begin with!
So, why then, Your Honor, did my client resign voluntarily...
when the fact is that Richard Nixon not only need not have quit...
but in fact could have stayed on beyond the --
Your Honor, something happened to my client.
The year is 1945.
Okay, Roberto...
that is the end of the, uh, prologue.
The next section will be, um...
1945...
through 1952.
So would you please make a separate, um, uh...
uh, you know, for each of the, uh -- You know.
Okay, Your Honor...
in 1939 I went to Cuba.
I -- [Snickers, Laughs]
A-A-After I almost got disbarred...
for signing some client's name to a --
[Continues Laughing]
Roberto, would you erase that, please?
Your Honor, I am trying to tell you...
about 1945.
I was just getting out of the navy.
An ad appeared in the Whittier Daily News.
I will never forget it.
It said...
"Wanted: Young man...
"interested in running for Congress.
Veteran preferred."
And then they listed the name of a, uh, committee...
to contact.
So, well, I-I took some of my, uh, poker winnings and I flew out there...
in my uniform, of course.
If the choice of this committee comes to me...
I promise to wage an aggressive and vigorous campaign...
based on a platform of practical liberalism.
Well, it was those men --
I-I did, Your Honor. I answered the ad.
They called themselves the, uh, Committee of 100.
But the name's changed many times over the years, oh, yes.
Uh, Committee for a Free Iran, a free Guatemala...
a free, uh, Congo...
uh, a free, uh --
But always Taiwan. Oh, yes.
Always for a free Taiwan.
So, they did, Your Honor. They selected me.
And they took my client up to Bohemian Grove.
Now, that is where the China plan was --
That's where I got the message.
Yes.
Up there in, uh, Bohemian Grove...
deep in the California Redwoods...
with the, uh -- the dogs and the guards...
and the prostitutes from Guerneville at the caveman camp -- I --
Your Honor, this young man, Richard Nixon...
this boy from a poor family...
a boy who never had a break, who never had a chance...
he was just overwhelmed by these big men...
on the Committee of 100...
because they showed him a vision...
of the riches and power of this world...
and he drank their words and their visions, he --
[Giggling] He had a little sip of their whiskey too...
this poor boy who couldn't drink.
Didn't know how to drink...
because of his strict Quaker background.
And so, he, uh --
I may have said and done some things up there that...
came back to haunt me...
25 years later...
when the real China card was played.
I -- Your Honor, that first night up there in the Grove...
I couldn't sleep all night. I was awake -- Then --
Well, you know, the big German shepherd dogs...
they're howling all night, you know.
But it was way off, you know, in the, uh, in --
And the men, you know, they're -- they're laughing, singing, dancing.
You know, football songs mostly. Marches, you know.
So, naturally, I was unable to get any, uh -- All the --
But it was, you know -- It was way off there in the, uh...
distance.
It was very, uh...
[Solemnly: "Notre Dame Fight Song"] -- Far away.
[Strikes Dissonant Note Three Times]
Uh, it's a little out of, uh --
But you were my mother's piano...
and that fucking museum is not going to get you!
[Continues]
[Striking Chords]
[Stammering] Your Honor, I forgot to tell you about the whores.
Now, look, these guys were not homos from Westchester County or Cambridge.
You know, this is not old money or "the better sort."
I mean, these guys were Armenians and, uh, Italians and Irish.
You know, assorted white trash. Men!
And what they wanted was a political laboratory...
and that is what they made California into --
a kind of a, uh, proving ground for later on.
You understand why all this was music to my ears?
[Up-tempo: "Notre Dame Fight Song"]
[Humming Along]
[Music stops]