PART 1 OF 2
Dick Clark .... Himself
Sam Rockwell .... Chuck Barris
Michelle Sweeney .... J. Sweeney
Drew Barrymore .... Penny
Chelsea Ceci .... Tuvia, Age 8
Michael Cera .... Chuck, Age 8 and 11 (as Michael Céra)
Aimee Rose Ambroziak .... Chuck's Date #1
Isabelle Blais .... Chuck's Date #2
Melissa Carter .... Chuck's Date #3
Jennifer Hall .... Georgia
Ilona Elkin .... Georgia's Girlfriend
Sean Tucker .... Barfly
Jaye P. Morgan .... Herself
Maggie Gyllenhaal .... Debbie
David Julian Hirsh .... Freddie Cannon (as David Hirsh)
[Screenplay Transcribed from the Movie by Tara Carreon]
DICK CLARK, HOST OF AMERICAN BANDSTAND: I wouldn't want to live his life 'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life. All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy, find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them.
RONALD REAGAN: "I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States."
[Cartoon music playing]
BARRIS: When you're young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be Einstein, you might be DiMaggio. Then you get to an age when what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment.
This film is taken from Mr. Barris' private journals, public records, and hundreds of hours of taped interviews.
[Knock on door]
New York, 1981
PENNY: Chuck, it's Pen.
CHUCK: Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me?
PENNY: You wrote me your last letter on hotel stationery.
CHUCK: Oh. It's great to see you, Pen. You look -- you look beautiful.
PENNY: This place is scary.
CHUCK: Yeah. The human psyche.
PENNY: I came to take you back to California with me.
CHUCK: Uh, no ...
PENNY: It's a lonely state without you.
CHUCK: I'm home, Red.
PENNY: I can't wait forever for you to marry me. Well, apparently, I can, but I really don't want to.
CHUCK: Uh ...
PENNY: (Crying) I love you so much. You don't understand. I don't even know why.
CHUCK: Oh, Penny. Penny, Penny, Penny. [Laughs]
[Slow piano music playing]
[Chuck closes peephole]
CHUCK: Listen, I gotta go, OK? I'm kind of busy right now, OK?
BARRIS: It was 1981, and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel -- the Phoenix Hotel -- terrified of everything, ashamed of my life. Until, finally, I realized my salvation might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly.
BARRIS: Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale, and maybe it would help me understand why. When I was 11, I had an experience with my sister's friend, Tuvia, that left an indelible impression.
CHUCK: You want to lick it?
TUVIA: [Scoffs] No. Why should I?
CHUCK: Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry. My sister tells me you love strawberries.
TUVIA: Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.
CHUCK: No, I'm serious. It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.
TUVIA: Look, I know that's not true.
CHUCK: Well, I bet you it does.
TUVIA: I bet you it doesn't.
CHUCK: I'll bet you a dollar.
CHUCK: Tuvia ... my first love.
CHUCK: Perhaps my whole life turned at that point. The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl.
GIRL: What are you doing? Get off me!
CHUCK: And so I found myself in a downward spiral of debauchery, endlessly chasing pussy.
[Doo wop music playing]
CHUCK: My only focus in life to get laid, to get blown, trying to fool myself into believing that given the right combination of circumstances and deception, maybe the Tuvias of the world could desire me that way I desired them.
CHUCK: I only wanted to be loved.
CHUCK: No ...
Won't you tell me why I love
That girly so
She doesn't want me
CHUCK: The constant inarticulate rage led to bar fight after bar fight.
TV ANNOUNCER: New York is a city of people, the only state in the union to stretch from the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes. Directly across the avenue is -- you're right again.
CHUCK: I had heard that television was an industry with a future, so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan.
[NBC theme plays]
TOUR GUIDE: We began making commercial broadcasts in 1941, and in 1953 NBC made the first ever color telecast by a network during "The Colgate Comedy Hour." Now we'll have a look at the studio where they produce "The Today Show," which NBC began broadcasting in 1952.
New York, 1955
CHUCK: Excuse me, miss. Do you know where I could apply for an NBC page?
TOUR GUIDE: Such as "The Perry Como Show," which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30. "The Nat King Cole Show," which you won't want to miss, on Tuesdays at 8 P.M. And hold on one second. OK. And my personal favorite, "The Lux Show," starring Rosemary Clooney ...
CHUCK: ... which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10:00. And of course, "The Steve Allen Show," which delights us every Sunday at 8:00. You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen actually got his start in entertainment as an NBC page. Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me --
MARY-ANN: Raymond -- in accounting? He's kind of cute, huh?
WOMAN: Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann, but what you want is a man who's going places. A go-getter on the management fast track.
MARY-ANN: What about Mr. Waters?
CHUCK: Yeah, management training application, please. How many people have applied for this so far?
WOMAN: Let's see. Including you? About 2,000.
CHUCK: For how many positions?
CHUCK: Thanks, ma'am.
CHUCK: Sometimes, as a younger man, I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.
GEORGIA: Tell me again!
CHUCK: Head of network sales at 30. Head of the entire network by 40!
GEORGIA: I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris, management trainee.
CHUCK: Uhh! Life was sweet. For a minute.
WOMAN ON TV: Everything's either madly exciting or madly interesting. I hope Sally never bothers herself with you.
[Turns on faucet]
CHUCK: I got fired today.
CHUCK: Yeah, fired.
GEORGIA: Fired? What the fuck did you get fired for?
CHUCK: I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks. Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine.
GEORGIA: I'm pregnant.
CHUCK: So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town. I intend to be important, you know? I can't be saddled with this. Pbbt! But then I remembered something Carlyle said. "Do the duty which lies nearest thee." So you see ...
MAN: Who's Carlyle?
CHUCK: Dear God. Why do I even bother?
MAN: Fuck you, you condescending prick.
GEORGIA: Yeah, pregnant.
CHUCK: Fuck you.
CHUCK: What the fuck did you get pregnant for?
GEORGIA: What do you mean, what the fuck did I get pregnant for? You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck!
CHUCK: Well, fuck you!
CHUCK: Fuck you!
MAN: Fuck you.
CHUCK: Fuck you.
[Dramatic music playing on television]
GEORGIA: Looks like I was just late.
JAYE P. MORGAN, GONG SHOW REGULAR: Oh, yes, we had a great time. The crew loved him and loved the show, you know? Because it was crazy. And we could do anything we wanted to -- sort of -- and, uh, yeah, they liked him very much. He was a good guy. Even though he's a prick, he's a good guy, too.
DICK CLARK: "What is labeled a dream faculty. Wouldn't school be wonderful if we had a faculty like this? You read it, all right?
GIRL: "Principal Sal Mineo, Vice Principal Tony Perkins ..."
DICK CLARK: Couldn't you see going to a school where Sal Mineo is the principal?
CHUCK: In '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC. It was during the music payola scandal, so my job was to commute to Philly every day, to the "American Bandstand" tapings to keep an eye on Dick Clark.
CLARK: One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go, and suppose we make it this one, OK?
BARRIS: On weekends I used to hang around amusement parks, because that's where the young girls were. I wrote a song about my experiences.
When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel ...
I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon, through my friendship with Dick Clark. Dick really wanted to help me out.
CHUCK: I wrote this song.
CHUCK: It's number three on the pop charts. See?
CHUCK: Yeah. I believe there's a great future in television.
CHUCK: So I'm gonna take my royalties and create a pilot. A pilot's what they call a test TV show.
DEBBIE: I work in TV.
CHUCK: Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck.
CHUCK: So you live in Philly?
DEBBIE: No, I live in Manhattan.
CHUCK: It's gonna be a game show. I believe there's a great future in game shows.
DEBBIE: Oh, that's good.
CHUCK: Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right?
DEBBIE: I don't know.
CHUCK: Well, they do.
DEBBIE: Well, that's great, then.
CHUCK: Ha ha ha. I'm on my way. [Sighs]
CHUCK: Hi. [Breathes in] Uh ... don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie.
PENNY: Yeah, I figured that. Hungry?
CHUCK: Um, no, thanks.
CHUCK: Sure, if you have a beer or ...
PENNY: How was sex with Debbie? I always wanted to know.
CHUCK: It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking.
PENNY: No problem. I just got fucked by this drummer cat -- a real righteous Negro hipster.
CHUCK: Heh. Interesting.
PENNY: I'm into the brotherhood of man. I fucked an Oriental last week. What are you?
PENNY: I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic. [Mispronounces] You look Ashke-nazi.
PENNY: Right, Ashke-nazi. I haven't had one of those yet.
CHUCK: You're romantic.
PENNY: Yeah. I just don't get into all the bullshit between cats and chicks. You know what I mean?
CHUCK: I know what you mean.
PENNY: Besides, you just give your heart to one cat and you get hurt.
CHUCK: Don't I know it?
PENNY: We could ball if you want.
CHUCK: Whoa-ho-ho. That would be good. Yeah, but ... ha ha ha! I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right.
PENNY: That's true. I didn't think of that. Well, I'm going to bed. It was nice meeting you.
CHUCK: Hey, what's your name?
PENNY: I'm Penny.
CHUCK: I'm Chuck.
PENNY: Chuck Barris.
PENNY: Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song. I really like that song.
CHUCK: Oh, thanks.
PENNY: Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.
CHUCK: Oh, right.
["Palisades Park" playing]
Click here to play "Palisades Park," by The Ramones
Last night I took a walk after dark
A swingin' place called Palisades Park
To have some fun and see what I could see
That's where the girls are
I took a ride on the shoot-the-chute
That girl I sat beside was awful cute
After it stopped, she was holding hands with me
My heart was flyin' up
Like a rocket ship
Down, like a roller coaster
Back, like a loop-the-loop
And around, like a merry-go-round
We ate and ate at a hot dog stand
We danced around to a rockin' band
And when I could, I gave that girl a hug
In the Tunnel of Love
You'll never know how great a kiss can feel
When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel
When I fell in love
Down at Palisades Park
[People at park scream]
[Song fades out]
PENNY: Last night in my dream, this ape and I are sitting staring at each other, and it was, like, across time and evolution. And then he started talking, but in a language I didn't really understand. [Laughs] Swiss, maybe. And then he turned into Perry Como -- real square. What's wrong with you?
PENNY: You know, just because we fucked, doesn't mean there are strings now. It's okay.
CHUCK: [Laughs] OK.
PENNY: I just wanted to tell you about my dream. Nothing more complicated than that. Don't panic.
CHUCK: I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit. Now we're a couple. Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say.
PENNY: Don't worry. I'm not into those games. So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como, and I say --
CHUCK: Holy fuck.
CHUCK: Holy, holy fuck. You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck!
PENNY: A show about monkeys?
CHUCK: No, about people. About sex, about romance, about the bullshit of dating.
CHUCK: I call it "The Dating Game," and that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg. A pretty girl asks three handsome guys -- who she can't see -- silly questions, and based on their answers, she picks one to date, and we pay for the date. That's it. That's the show.
CHUCK: Aah! Aah! Aah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hot damn!
PENNY: What, what, what?
CHUCK: They bought it! They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars to make a pilot!
PENNY: We gotta go celebrate! Let's go roller skating!
CHUCK: I can't! I got a date!
PENNY: OK, cool. Will you call me after?
PENNY: OK! Bye! Mwah!
[Upbeat music playing]
BARRIS: I figured I was in. All I had to do was get the pilot made ...
CHUCK: ... and I'd be a millionaire. Everyone would love me. Was anyone ever so young?
TV EXECUTIVE: No.
TV EXECUTIVE: No.
TV EXECUTIVE: No.
TV EXECUTIVE: No.
TV EXECUTIVE: No.
TV EXECUTIVE: All right. Lose it.
BARRIS: ABC didn't like "The Dating Game." They did like a show called "Hootenanny."
TV EXECUTIVE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like this one.
CHUCK: Well, he led an amazingly long life. Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.
PENNY: What do they know?
CHUCK: That's long for a dog. I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me. [Sighs] Uh-huh. It's nine years to every one of ours.
PENNY: Ha ha ha!
PENNY: I'm sorry about your show.
CHUCK: What? How long has he been dead? Jesus, Phoebe, that's -- Yeah. No, I'll hold on.
PENNY: Is that your mom?
CHUCK: My sister.
PENNY: Come here. Oh, yeah. I got you these.
CHUCK: Listen, Pen, I'm not --
PENNY: I want to tell you something. I talked to a psychic today.
CHUCK: A what?
PENNY: A psychic. And she said that you are gonna be very successful.
CHUCK: Oh, really?
PENNY: Very successful.
CHUCK: Tarot cards?
PENNY: Tea leaves.
CHUCK: Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it. Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her? She did?
PENNY: Who's Tuvia?
CHUCK: To Manhattan?
PENNY: Who's Tuvia?
CHUCK: Yeah. Uh-huh.
PENNY: Oh, your niece.
CHUCK: Divorced? Really? I didn't know she got married.
CHUCK: Hi, Tuvia.
TUVIA: Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris. What do you want?
CHUCK: Ha ha ha! I'm back in town for a while, and I thought maybe --
TUVIA: Jesus, you gotta be kidding.
CHUCK: We could go out and get an ice cream cone.
GENE GENE THE DANCING MACHINE: He's so convincing when he's -- He he -- when he's talkin' with you, he could convince you of anything, you know? He's one of the very few guys I'd like to have on my side in a street fight.
CHUCK: You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?
[Grunting and shouting]
JIM: You're a pretty angry young fella. Can't fight worth a damn, though.
CHUCK: Hey, screw off, queer. Don't think I haven't seen you watching me in that bar for a week now...
JIM: Kind of a loner, I'd say. Fairly bright, a tad antisocial. Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?
CHUCK: [Sighs] Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down. Why don't you go trollin' there?
JIM: I can teach you at least 30 different ways to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris. It might help in future bar fights. Just a thought. Oh, and there's money in it -- good money.
CHUCK: I figure if I can keep afloat until I come up with the next game show idea, then all would be copacetic.
JIM: That sounds great, Chuck. I've never known a television producer before. I'm impressed.
CHUCK: [Chuckles] Yeah. OK. What's this money and a deal you were talking about?
JIM: I work for a government agency. We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men to help us carry out our directives.
CHUCK: What kind of work? What government agency?
JIM: Problem-solving work. The Office of Diplomatic Security.
CHUCK: [Laughs] Office of what? I never heard of it. Is that the fuckin' CIA or something? Ha ha ha ha ha!
JIM: Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.
CHUCK: [Whispers] Jesus. Is this the fuckin' CIA? Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy. Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me? You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?
JIM: Hardly. And you wouldn't be working for the company. You'd be an independent contract agent. Independent. No official tie to any agency. Understand?
CHUCK: Why me?
JIM: Well, as you know, I've been watching you. For quite some time, actually. I've only let you know about it for the last week. I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr. Barris. Are you interested in the work?
CHUCK: What's the profile?
JIM: Are you interested in the work, Mr. Barris?
CHUCK: Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent. A contract agent, whatever. Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women --
JIM: What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris. It's essential in quelling the rise of communism, and allowing democracy to get its rightful foothold around the globe. You understand?
CHUCK: Uh ... sure. Yeah, OK. That's good. [Clears throat]
INSTRUCTOR: There are several efficient methods for killing a man were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand against your adversary's Adam's apple. This will crush his windpipe causing strangulation and death. Hyuhh!
INSTRUCTOR: Shit! I need another volunteer.
CHUCK: You're training me to be a killer.
JIM: See, Chuck? I knew you were fairly bright.
CHUCK: I'm not killin' people. My future's in television.
JIM: You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'.
CHUCK: I have ideas for shows.
JIM: Good. Why don't you spend another six months developing them while you're staring out the window waiting for Larry Goldberg to call?
CHUCK: How do you know all this?
JIM: I know everything about you, Chuck. I know which hand you jerk off with. Left. Leave in the morning, if you want. I'm here to tell you, this is honest work for good pay. You're making the world safer, and your country will be grateful. It'll toughen you up.
CHUCK: Wait a second! Hey, we gotta talk about this.
CHUCK: And there it was -- my defining moment. I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA. I was gonna kill for them. Call it patriotism.
[Dramatic music playing]
INSTRUCTOR: Glycerine is, of course the best known nitrating agent. Keep in mind, though, that nitro-glycerine is extremely unstable. A slight tap, a one-degree change in temperature, and it'll blow up in your hands. So, let's mix us up a batch! Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker, and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level with red-hot fumin' nitric acid -- 98% concentration.
INSTRUCTOR: The field phone, used as an instrument of interrogation or torture.
INSTRUCTOR: Attaching firmly to the genitalia.
[Fizzing and popping]
INSTRUCTOR: Hey, Ivan! Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies? [Laughs]
CHUCK: All right, Jack. Take care, Lee.
JAYE P. MORGAN, GONG SHOW REGULAR: I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know. I can't tell you. Yeah. I know some things about him that are very distressing, and, um, and you wouldn't want to know them about him.
CHUCK: So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway?
JIM: It's your job to follow directives, not question their validity.
CHUCK: Uh ... oh. Por favor, uh, senor --
Mexico City, 1964
RENDA: No hablo ingles.
CHUCK: Ra-blah-blah los bloteros?
RENDA: [Speaks Spanish]
CHUCK: Ra-blah-blah la minjares? Hermano, help me, please.
RENDA: Senor, no habla ingles. No, no, no, no.
BENITEZ: Can I be of some assistance?
JIM: He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.
CHUCK: Bad for the U.S., right, Jim? Not bad in an absolute sense, just bad for the U.S.
JIM: Don't fuckin' dance with me. Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me. You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. There's no backing out now. We've let you in on everything. you don't play, you don't leave. Understand that? You don't play, you don't leave. I like you. I do. And you're gonna do fine tomorrow, and we're gonna become good friends. You can have a nice little career, but you have to grow up. There's a war on.
CHUCK: [Starts engine]
["Star Spangled Banner" playing]
JIM: Beautiful country, isn't it?
JIM: You did us proud today, Chuck. Renda was a bad guy. He really was.
PENNY: Chuck, is that you?
CHUCK: Jesus Christ, Pen! You scared the shit out of me.
PENNY: Were you throwing up?
CHUCK: What are you doing here?
PENNY: I've been crashing here for a while. I've been waiting for you. Where you been?
CHUCK: Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.
PENNY: You didn't drink the water, did you?
PENNY: You're not supposed to. That's Montessori's revenge.
PENNY: Right. You can't even open your eyes or your mouth when you take a shower there. Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned? It's in the same ocean.
CHUCK: I don't know.
PENNY: Um ... I'm a hippie now.
CHUCK: Wow. Great.
PENNY: I've been to San Francisco, and it's amazing there. [Snaps fingers] Everybody loves everybody, and there's so many colors. And we're gonna change the world. [Snaps fingers] Will you come back there and be my old man with me? Ha ha! Well, not that old.
CHUCK: Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe --
PENNY: Oh, wait, wait. I got to play you this song.
["Sunshine Superman" playing]
DONOVAN: Sunshine came softly
Through my window today ...
CHUCK: Penny, what did you do to my wall?
PENNY: Some guy called -- Gold bird.
CHUCK: Gold bird. Larry Goldberg? You're kidding me!
CHUCK: Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg.
LARRY: Hi, Chuck.
CHUCK: Mr. Goldberg. I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico.
LARRY: Good for you. Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things, and I have a hole in my daytime schedule. I think it might be right for you and your baby.
CHUCK: My baby, Mr. Goldberg?
LARRY: Chuck, "Dating Game." Isn't that your baby?
CHUCK: Yes, sir, it is.
LARRY: You still interested?
CHUCK: Yes, sir. Very interested, sir.
LARRY: I've got six weeks to get this on the air. Is that doable for you and your people?
CHUCK: My people? Six weeks? Sure, yeah.
LARRY: Give me a call when you get to L.A., Chuck.
CHUCK: Oh, goddamn. Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss.
PENNY: Who's Larry Goldberg?
CHUCK: [Stomach gurgles]
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number one, what would I like most about you?
BACHELOR 1: I'm very romantic, and I'd send you flowers every day.
BACHELORETTE: Aw, that's so sweet. Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you?
BACHELOR 3: My big cock.
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number one, what nationality are you?
BACHELOR 1: Um, my daddy is Welsh, my mama's Hungarian, so I guess that makes me well-hung.
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number two, I play the trombone. If I blew you, what would you sound like?
BACHELOR 2: What would I sound like? [Laughs] All right. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. That's nice. Don't stop. Oh. [Imitates trombone] Blow it, baby. [Imitates trombone playing shakily]
CHUCK: Heh heh.
LARRY: Chuck, quite frankly, these episodes are unairable.
CHUCK: Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous. It's unscripted. That's its charm. I can't help what people say.
HANK: Be that as it may, we can't have black men getting blow jobs on national television!
LARRY: The point is not that he's black, Hank.
HANK: Well, I know that.
LARRY: Chuck, that's it. We can't air this stuff. If you can't retain your spontaneity on the show without this lewd conduct, it's over. It's finished. You're history. Now, fix this fucking thing, or we got a problem.
CHUCK: Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks of the Federal Communications Commission. OK?
PETER: Thank you, Mr. Barris. I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks on a television network broadcast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison, or a $10,000 fine, or both! Anyone making a sick subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. I, then, will personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. And it's a long drive to that prison, baby. Just you and me. No witnesses!
CHUCK: OK, have fun, everybody. All right.
JIM LANGE, HOST OF THE DATING GAME: They gave everybody jackets with their names on them, and when we got number one ratings on Saturday nights everybody got a gold plaque. And so, he was a good boss, and obviously had the common touch because he really knew what people wanted to watch.
CHUCK: We aired and became a big hit. A phenomenon, really.
CHUCK: Hey, baby. [Sighs] I got a story to tell you.
CHUCK: I know, I know. Uhh. I got a little story for you.
LORETTA: I'm busy. We're in the middle of a bachelorette crisis out there.
CHUCK: Sit down, relax. Take a load off. Make yourself at home. I just got a call from the network. You want a drink?
LORETTA: You got any weed?
CHUCK: I wish. No, no weed.
LORETTA: Then I'll have a drink.
LORETTA: Bad news?
CHUCK: "The Tammy Grimes Show" is being pulled from Saturday night.
LORETTA: Oh, not Tammy.
CHUCK: Ha ha ha ha. They want me to put a primetime version of "The Dating Game" on in its place.
LORETTA: That's fucking great.
CHUCK: Yeah, it's great, but they say the daytime version is not hot enough. They want me to make it more exciting for nighttime. I got 48 hours.
LORETTA: What have you got?
CHUCK: [Sighs] I don't have a clue. I got nothing. Bupkus. This is a big deal, Loretta. My big break.
LORETTA: I know. [Exhales] Don't blow it.
CHUCK: Oh, thanks for the help. [Sighs]
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Let me ask you something, Chuck.
CHUCK: Jesus. What the -- What are you doing here?
JIM: I've been put in charge of a fairly large wet operation, and I could use your help.
CHUCK: [Scoffs] Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air. I don't need to kill people for hire anymore.
JIM: I know you don't need to, but you like to.
JIM: Think of it as a hobby -- something you do to relax. You can be an assassination enthusiast, a murder bug.
CHUCK: I got important things to think about here. I don't have time to fuck around with you.
JIM: This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck -- serious work. How about I help you out with your little show, you help me out with my little operation? Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.
CHUCK: Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.
JIM: I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck, and I do have a thought.
CHUCK: What, now you're a big television producer?
JIM: I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV, and that should make my opinion of value to you.
CHUCK: All right, let's hear it, then.
JIM: What do you have? Some couple gets sent to some second-rate shit-can restaurant, setting you back 50 bucks? That's not too exciting a prize for us vicarious living boobs out in TV land.
CHUCK: What's your point?
JIM: Up the stakes, Chuck. Send them to some exotic locale -- Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.
CHUCK: The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together.
JIM: Send them with a chaperone.
CHUCK: That's -- That's not half bad.
JIM: I'm telling you. Sometimes you could be the chaperone. Say we have a job for you in Austria. You, a successful television producer chaperones a young couple. While there, you take care of some company business. It's a perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative at night.
CHUCK: I got money, Jim. I don't have to kill people for money anymore.
JIM: Chuck, when I said you fit the profile, very little of that meant you needed the money. You liked it with Renda. I saw it in your eyes. You liked it, but you botched it. You could be a great warrior, Chuck.
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three, if we were fixed up on a date, and I ignored you ...
DIRECTOR: This guy's never been on a date. [Snaps fingers] Ready, four. Take four.
BACHELOR 3: Well, I'm not used to being ignored, but I would -- I'd give you your space.
DIRECTOR: The only date this guy's had is with his right hand. [Both laugh] Ready, one. Take one.
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three, what if I pick you, and I'm really ugly? What would you do?
DIRECTOR: God, she's going for the three. Ready, four. Take four. [Snaps fingers]
BACHELOR 3: The only way that you could be ugly, is by what you say or do. I don't know. From where I'm sitting, I think you're beautiful.
DIRECTOR: I can't believe it.
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three, can you please tell me what a girl is like who has never been on a date before, and how you can tell?
BACHELOR 3: Well, I'll ask her what she likes to do, and if she doesn't know what she likes to do, then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.
[Game show music playing]
BACHELOR 3: Why don't you talk to her? You can do that. She's real shy. You have to tell her. That's your job. Tell her that I think she's real pretty, and I want to be her boyfriend. I'm shy, too. You got to tell her that, Chuck. I used to skate when I was young. I told her that. She didn't even look at me. You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's your job. She picked me, not those other guys. You're the chaperone, Chuck.
BACHELOR 3: She called me gay. I'm not gay. You got to tell her that. You're not doing your job very well. I mean, I know it takes time for people to get to know each other, but this is ridiculous.
UNKNOWN COMIC: They thought he was, they sort of walked a straight line, because they used to talk about him saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you." You know, and I never saw that side, but a lot of the crew thought he could turn on them.
BACHELOR 3: Chuck?
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Helsinki is wonderful this time of year. Especially the snow. It affords one solitude even in a city full of people.
JIM: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
GIRL: By you.
CHUCK: [Sighs] Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?
GIRL: Yes, it is.
CHUCK: Oh, I'm sorry. Um, excuse me.
CHUCK: Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?
PATRICIA: Especially the snow. It affords one solitude even in a city full of people.
CHUCK: Hey, I'm Chuck. Ahem.
PATRICIA: So I gathered.
CHUCK: And you are?
PATRICIA: Here you are, Chuck.
CHUCK: At least give me a made-up name -- something for me to cry out during those dark nights of the soul.
PATRICIA: Cry out, "Olivia."
CHUCK: That's "Twelfth Night."
PATRICIA: Very good, Chuck. I'm pleasantly surprised. You're not like the other murderers.
[Dramatic music playing]
CHUCK: Do you have it?
MAN: Do you have it?
CHUCK: Oh, sorry. Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you.
MAN: Yeah, just the same. Unh!
CHUCK: Sorry about your teeth.
[Fires with silencer]
[Fires with silencer]
BACHELOR 3: Chuck? Chuck?
CHUCK: [Exhaling, whistling] [Hums]
[Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" playing]
PATRICIA: It's Patricia, actually.
PATRICIA: So, then I spent a year in Operation: Chaos inside the anti-war movement, nudging it towards violence to discredit it. That was fun.
CHUCK: It sounds fun. So, tell me, Patricia, why did you come here tonight?
PATRICIA: Ahem. I don't know. You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and it's lonely when the civilian you're fucking calls out the name on your fake passport.
CHUCK: All the information I have about myself is from forged documents.
CHUCK: Wait, wait. I got to go into the bathroom and take care of something.
PATRICIA: Leave the microfilm in, baby.