Trump Is Back By Unpopular Demand, Ivanka Bails on Daddy & Marjorie Taylor Greene Wants VP Spot
by Jimmy Kimmel Live
Nov 16, 2022
Donald Trump is back by unpopular demand after announcing his 2024 presidential campaign at Mar-a-Lago, he entered to a song from the musical “Les Misérables,” he gave a weird rambling speech with many false statements, Fox News cut away from him before the speech was even over, his beloved NY Post threw some shade at him, many prominent members of his inner-circle were notably absent including three of his kids, Ivanka announced that she will not be involved in her dad’s political career anymore, MyPillow Mike Lindell was on the scene all fired up and raging against the machines, Jimmy was served an ad on Twitter for a “Return of the Great MAGA King” silver coin, Trump has lost the support of some big Republican donors, Marjorie Taylor Greene is hoping for the VP spot, Herschel Walker is busy talking about Vampires, and we invited the exceptionally talented P!nk to put her talent to the test in a round of “Wing It & Sing It.”
Transcript
we have so much to get to tonight
and of course I want to start with a
young presidential hopeful named Donald
Trump the the yellelephant in the room who
is backed by unpopular demand it was a
quieter if you watch this but it was
quite the scene at Mar-A-Lago last night
starting with this entrance set to a
song from the musical Les Mis Miserables
here they come it's former first lady
Melania with her husband John Valtrex
and um I can think of no better way to
kick off another Trump campaign than
with Les Miserables it's a musical about
a criminal with a hot daughter who gets
away with in the end and
sorry I should have said spoiler alert I
didn't mean to whatever the soundtrack
Trump is waddling for president again
you know he hasn't actually conceded the
last election yet if he won that you
know if he beat Joe Biden in 2020 as he
constantly says he did he shouldn't even
be allowed to run he's termed out now
that's eight years but
one of the reasons Trump is
one of the reasons he's running again is
try to to slow down the many many
criminal investigation he's at the
center of right now he's basically a
bank robber on the run from the cops and
the White House is a dumpster behind an
Arby's he's trying to hide it he gave a
weird rambling speech with so many false
statements it makes you wonder where
he's even getting them I don't know if
he's making them up but he bragged about
many imagined accomplishments and seemed
especially proud that he never got us
into a war they said during the 2016
campaign that if he becomes president
there will never be a war within weeks
and we will have wars like you've never
seen before it will happen immediately
and yet
I've gone decades decades without a war
the first president to do it for that
long a period
it's gone decades without a war even
Donald Trump thinks his four years in
office felt like decades
[Applause]
in front of Joe Biden but he seemed kind
of out of it he was so low energy we
might have to start calling him Jeb he
was reading from a teleprompter which
you know he doesn't like to do and he
turns it into a conversation with
himself he'd be like uh we promise to
build the wall and we built the wall we
did build the wall we completed the wall
and now we will build more wall like
he's he's chatting with his own words
and while he he may not have started a
war for decades Captain bone spurs has a
plan to strike fear in the hearts of our
adversaries with the mother of all
missile defense systems we need it the
power of these missiles and the power of
a word that I refuse to say
nuclear
yeah I just you just
you just refuse to say it and then
when it comes to the type of missiles he
refuses to say Trump knows how to build
him he's got the plans right downstairs
in his basement at Mar-A-Lago
Donald Trump is mentally unbalanced and
so are the dummies who follow him here
he is musing about some grandpa style
solutions to America's drug problem pay
attention to the to the crowd's reaction
here in China when I was with president
xia said president do you have a drug
problem no no no no no we don't he
looked at me like I didn't know what I
was doing
he said no we don't have a drug how come
you don't have a drug problem he said
quick trial what is a quick trial quick
I sort of knew what is a quick trial
that's where if you get caught dealing
drugs you have an immediate and quick
trial and by the end of the day you're
executed
that's a terrible thing
but they have no drug problem you're
cheering
they're cheering for quick trials and
same-day executions huh I mean how sick
do you have to be to clap for that
especially in a room full of secret
cokeheads I mean this is
by the way I do want to say if you love
these
idea of these quick trials and and
immediate execution so much what's with
all the appeals and delays from your
armies of lawyers for the many crimes
you've been charged with let's get you
right up in front of the judge by the
end of the day let Justice be done right
I mean it's
it was alumni the speech was an hour and
four minutes long at a certain point
people were trying to leave the ballroom
but security forced them to stay it was
like a room full of melanias begging to
be set free
even Fox News cut away from his speech
before it was over not only that this is
the cover of Trump's beloved New York
Post today you see the only mention is
all the way at the bottom it says
Florida man makes announcement
hahaha and then when you go to page 26
this is real this is this article little
article says been there don that and
that's that
his cholesterol levels are unknown but
his favorite steak is served with
ketchup that's the story they put in the
New York Post for real my how the word
has turned many prominent members of
Trump's Inner Circle were notably absent
last night three of his kids didn't make
it Don Jr Ivanka and Tiffany were
nowhere to be found Eric was there
hoping to be found
um it's really just Jared and Eric it's
like just like secession Jared's Tom
Erica's cousin Greg and
um at least I think that was Jared it
could have been a Sherwin-Williams extra
wide paint swatch I don't know but
Ivanka Trump announced she will not be a
part of her father's campaign she wants
to spend more time away from her family
she said uh in a statement while I will
always love and support my father going
forward I will do so outside the
political Arena most likely from the
other side of
the glass on a prison cone but I don't
know he can't do this without Ivanka
that's like rebooting Sex in the City
without Samantha I mean you need
that character only one politician
showed up last night North Carolina
representative Madison cawthorne but
that's just because he heard there was
going to be an orgy afterwards even
creepy Matt Gaetz didn't go he claimed
it was because of the weather but I hear
he was online trying to get his
girlfriend Taylor Swift tickets and um
but you know who was there none other
than that pride of Mankato Minnesota Mr
Mike Lindell Mike Mr my pillow was on
the scene all fired up and raging
Against the Machines well nowadays it's
like I'm sorry you don't get to uh you
know get to another and you certainly
can't look inside our machine come on
that's proprietary technology in there
my brain if you told me there were rocks
and knives in my pillows you know what I
tell you take a look there's no rocks
and knives it's beautiful patented built
yeah and certainly that use promo code
rsvn yeah
all right just for the record there are
no rocks or knives in his beautiful
patented pillows
there used to be rocks but he might
smoke them all
and uh
there's a whole industry designed to
fleece the Trump faithful I got this ad
on Twitter this morning uh Return of the
great Maga King silver coin cherished
family heirloom your children will
dispose of immediately upon your death
this is a great Christmas gift for
someone you no longer invite to
Christmas Trump has already lost the
support of some big Republican donors
like Stephen A Schwartzman and Kenneth C
Griffin you know the rich guys when they
use the middle initial but both
Schwartzman and Griffin said they're
going to support different candidates
this time around they don't know who yet
they just know it won't be him
it's a good thing Donald Trump doesn't
care about money or he would be very
upset about that meanwhile his former
secretary of defense today said he's
unfit for office his former Secretary of
State Mike Pompeo said Republicans need
more seriousness less noise than leaders
who are looking forward not staring in
the rear view mirror claiming victimhood
even Melania this afternoon was spotted
arriving at Trump Tower in Manhattan she
hightailed it out of there but there's
still plenty of swamp creatures on board
for round two Trump picked up a key
endorsement last night before he even
threw his wig in the ring we know that
President Trump has a special
announcement tonight and I'll go ahead
and say right now president Trump has my
full endorsement and my support as our
Republican nominee in 2024. all right
well he's got one vote I think I know
why she's doing this we know Mike Pence
isn't going to be running mate again his
own vice president won't even endorse
Trump but Pence says he thinks
Republicans have better choices so maybe
this Goblin named Marjorie Taylor greene
is hoping she gets the nod
you're a real American and you deserve a
vice president who's as real as you are
someone who knows our history Kennedy
getting killed in the plane crash that's
another one of those
um Clinton murders right someone who
respects our democracy flood all the
government buildings go inside these are
public buildings we own them
someone who knows how to ask the tough
questions I've introduced a bill to ban
it and make it a felony to genital to
mutilate children's generals do you
stand by that
all right that was a lot someone who
knows other things too like words not
only do we have the DC jail which is the
DC Gulag but now we have Nancy Pelosi's
gazpacho police so many words and why
their due process rights are being so
fragrantly and horrifically violated
Bill Gates wants you to eat his fake
meat that grows in a Peachtree dish
Marjorie Taylor greene real American real
stupid
we've never studied in history how much
taxes people paid back in the ice ages
to warm up the Earth and melt the ice
Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm not green and I approve this message
also Hillary Clinton is part of a deep
State baby eating cabal
speaking of Marjorie Taylor greene male
fertility is on the decline according
new study researchers found worldwide
sperm counts fell by more than 51
percent since 1973 which is why we need
Herschel Walker in the Senate more than
ever before you know down in Georgia
herschel's gearing up for his runoff
with Rafael Warnock and he's doing it by
tackling the issues voters believe
matter the most the other night I was
watching this movie I was watching this
movie called Fright Night Street night
or some kind of night but it was about
vampires I don't know if you know
vampires and cool people are they not
but I'm gonna tell you something that I
found out a werewolf to kill a vampire
did you know that uh Senator your time
has expired uh I didn't I know that did
you know that Guillermo? no I didn't we
didn't know that all right we learned
something thanks