April 18, 2016
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If a sixth grade non-fiction book report and a proof-of-life hostage video got married and had a baby, it would look like Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s apology video.
Background: In Australia’s “War on Terrier” (HA HA), Johnny Depp’s actress wife Amber Heard admitted she was wrong for bringing her and Depp’s Yorkies, Pistol and Boo, into Australia without the mandatory permit and 10-day quarantine. The reason for the quarantine laws is that Australia is a continent with its own ecosystem, and when you flout rules because you are a famous rich person whose last good movie was arguably What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (1993), you end up putting the entire continent at risk. Things can occur, from the introduction of new diseases and parasites up to and including Jurassic Park. Heard was accused of sneaking Pistol and Boo onto a private jet so they could hang out with their daddy, who was shooting the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film, which is sure to be awesome.
The former Minister of Agriculture, Barnaby Joyce, was not amused; he threatened to have the dogs euthanized. John Oliver found the whole thing amusing. (His reporting initially misidentified two photos of Depp: The first depicted a fedora atop a pile of greasy hair and the second showed a trash bag full of scarves. He needs better fact checkers, because everyone knows what Johnny Depp looks like.) The dogs were flown back to the US just before Joyce’s deadline expired; we know this because the Guardian newspaper maintained an online Depp dog death clock for the duration.)
At first Depp and Heard did not seem to treat their abuse of the law with much respect. Last year, at the Venice Film Festival, when asked if his dogs were going to take a gondola ride, the star of Mortdecai (2015) and The Lone Ranger (2013) answered, “No, I killed my dogs and ate them, under direct orders from some kind of, I don’t know, sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia.” However, when the actual threat of jail time loomed, all parties decided to agree that Heard had been jet-lagged and forgot to register the dogs (though she pleaded guilty to providing a false immigration document) and the couple made the informative video.
“Australia is a wonderful island with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people,” Heard sing-songs, sounding like my daughter doing her report on ancient Rome. “It has to be protected,” Depp mutters, looking dead-eyed and sounding slightly like late-stage Marlon Brando.
“Australia is free of many pests and diseases that are commonplace in the world,” Heard continues. “That is why Australia needs to have such strict bio-security laws.”
“And Australians are just as unique, both warm and direct,” Depp says, sounding like he would like to kill a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Concluding as though writing a letter to Grandma from camp after being scolded for not thanking her for the care package of gum, Heard says, “I am truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared. Protecting Australia is important.”
“Declare everything when you enter Australia, thanks,” Depp grunts. And the video ends. And we all go rent The Tourist (2010). Wait, no we don’t.