Dylan Klebold's Journal and Other Writings
The following are entries from Dylan Klebold's personal journal. All misspellings and misuses of words and symbols appear as they were written by Dylan, as presented in the additional Columbine Documents released in 2006. Where the word [edited] appears is where investigators redacted (blacked out) words before the release of the documents to the general public. Other comments in [ ] brackets are my notes.
Cover page of Dylan Klebold's journal / diary
[Drawing found in Dylan Klebold's journal]
[Drawing found in Dylan Klebold's journal]
AH yes, this is me writing... just writing, nobody technically did anything, just i felt like throwing out my thoughts - this is a wierd time, wierd life, wierd existence. As i sit here (partially drunk w. a screwdriver) i think a lot. Think... Think... that's all my life is, just shitloads of thinking... all the time... my mind never stops... music runs 24/7 (xpt for sleep), just songs i hear, not necessarily good or bad, & thinking... about the asshole [edited] in Gym class, how he worries me, about driving, & my family, about friends & doings with them, about girls i kno (mainly [edited] & [edited]), how i kno i can never have them, yet i can still dream... I do shit to supposedly 'cleanse' myself in a spiritual, moral sort of way (deleting the 'limits' on my comp, not getting drunk for periods of time, trying not to ridicule/make fun of people ([edited]) at school, yet it does nothing to help my life - moraly. My existence is shit. To me - how i feel that i am in eternal suffering. in infinite directions in infinite realities - yet these [Dylan scribble] realities are fake- artificial, induced by thought, how everything connects, yet it's all so far apart.... & i sit & think... Science is the way to find solutions to everything, right? I still think that, yet i see different views of shit now like the mind - yet if the mind is viewed scientifically... HMM I dwell in the past... thinking of good & bad movies
a lot on the past though... ive always had a thing for the past - how it reacts to the present & the future - or rather vice versa. I wonder how/when i got so fucked up... my mind, existence, problem - when Dylan Benet Klebold got covered up by this entity containing Dylan's body... as i see the people at school - some good, some bad - I see how different i am (aren't we all you'll say) yet i'm on such a greater scale of difference (as far as I kno, or guess) I see jocks having fun, friends, woman, LIVEZ
[two drawn arrows pointing down to the text below]
or rather shallow existences compared to mine (maybe). Like ignorance = bliss - they don't know this world (how I do in my mind or in reality, or in this existence) yet we each are lacking something that the other possesses -- i lack the true human nature that Dylan owned, & they lack the overdeveloped mind/ imagination/ knowledge tool I don't sit in here thinking of suicide gives me hope, that i'll be in my place wherever I go after this life. that ill finally not be at war w. myself, the world, the universe - my mind, body, everywhere, everything at PEACE... me- my soul (existence). & the rotine - is still monotonous, go to school, be scared & nervous, somewhat hoping that people can accept me... that i can accept them... the NIN song Piggy is good for thought writing... The lost Highway sounds like a movie about me... im gonna write later, bye - <<-VoDkA->>
Poetry? my way
Da ThoughtZ Jeah
Well well, back at it, yes, (you say) [scribble] whoever the fuck 'you' is, but yea. My life is still fucked, in case you care... maybe,... (not?) I have just lost fuckin 45$, & Before that I lost my zippo & knife - (i did get those back) Why the fuck is he being such an ASSHOLE??? (god i guess, whoever is the being which controlls shit) He's fucking me over big time & it pisses me off. OOOh god i HATE my life, i want to die really bad right now - let's see what i have that's good: A nice family, a good house, food, a couple good friends, & possessions. What's bad: no girls (friends or girlfriends), no other friends except a few, nobody accepting me even though i want to be accepted, me doing badly & being intimidated in any & all sports, me looking wierd & acting shy - BIG problem, me getting bad grades, having no ambition of life, thats the big shit. Anyway... I was Mr. Cutter tonight - I have 11 depressioners on my right hand now, & my fav. contrasting symbol, because it is so true & means so much [sketches in margin labeled 'thought picture' and 'cut'] - The battle between good & bad never ends... OK, enough bitchin... well im not done yet. ok so... I dont know what i do wrong with people (mainly women) - its like they all set out to hate & ignore me, i never know what to say or do, [edited] is soo fuckin lucky he has no idea how I suffer.
ok here's some poetry... this is a display of one man in search of answers, never finding them, yet in hopelessness understands things...
Existence..... what a strange word. He, set out by determination & curiosity, knows no existence, knows nothing realevent to himself. The petty destinations of others & everything on this world, in this world, he knows the answers to. Yet they have no purpose to him. He seeks knowledge of the unthinkable, of the indefineable, of the unknown. He explores the everything...using his mind, the most powerful tool known to him. Not a physical barrier blocking the limits of exploration, time thru thought thru dimensions.... the everything is his realm. Yet, the more he thinks, hoping to find answers to his questions, the more come up. Amazingly, the petty things mean much to him at this time, how he wants to be normal, not this transceiver of the everything. Then, ocuring to him, the answer. How everything is connected yet seperate. By experiencing the petty others' actions, reactions, emotions, doings, [scribble] and thoughts, he gets a mental picture of what, in his mind, is a cycle. Existence is a great hall, life is one of the [scribble] rooms, death is passing thru the doors, & the ever-existant compulsion of everything is the curiosity to keep moving down the hall, thru the doors, exploring rooms, down this never-ending hall. Questions make answers, answers conceive questions, and at long last he is content.
My thoutz shit
Yo.... whassup... heehehehe...Know what's whi wierd? Everyone knows everyone. I swear, like im an outcast, & everyone is conspiring against me.... Check it... (this isn't good, but i need to write, so here....)
Within the known limits of time... within the conceived boundaries of space... the average human thinks these are the settings of existence... Yet the ponderer, the outkast, the believer, helps out the human. "Think not of 2 dimensions" says the ponderer, "But of 3, as your world is conceived of 3 dimensions, so is mine. While you explore the immediate physical boundaries of your body, you see in your 3 dimensions - L, W, & H. Yet I, who is more mentally open to anything, see my 3 dimensions, my realm of thought - Time, Space, & THOUGHT. Thought is the most powerful thing that exists - anything conceivable can be produced, anything & everything is possible, even in your physical world." After this so called "lecture" the common man feels confused, empty, & unaware. Yet, those are the best emotions of a ponderer. The real difference is, a true ponderer will explore these emotions & what caused them.
Another... a dream.
Miles & miles of never-ending grass, like a wheat. A farm, sunshine, a happy feeling in the presence, Absolutely nothing wrong, nothing ever is, contrary 180° to normal life. No awareness, just pure bliss, unexplainable bliss, The only challenges are no challenge, & then... [sketch of a wall] BAM!!! realization sets in, the world is the greatest punishment: life.Hypnosis Place - It is a sky - with one large cloud, & sort of a cloud-made chair - the sun is at the head of the chair... 10 oclock up into the sky.... Below, i sometimes see myst, & the green (Great green) earth. sorta a city, yet I hear nothing. I relax on this chair - actually like a chaise - & i am talking... to what? I don't know - it's just there, i have the feeling that i kno him, even though I consciously dont... & we talk like we are the same person - like hes my soul....
[sketch of a 'thought box'] The everlasting contrast....
Dark. Light. God. Lucifer. Heaven. Hell. GOOD. BAD. Yes, the ever-lasting contrast. Since existance has known, the 'fight' between good & evil has continued. Obviously, this fight can never end. Good things turn bad, bad things become good, the 'people' on the earth see it as a battle they can win. HA fuckin morons. If people looked at History, they would see what happens. I think, too much, I understand, I am GOD compared to some of these un-existable, brainless zombies. Yet, the actions of them interest me, like a kid w. a new toy. Another contrast, more of a paradox, actually, like the advanced go for the undevelopeds realm, while some of the morons become everything dwellers - but, exceptions to every rule, & this is a BIG exception - most morons never change - they never decide to live in the 'everything' frame of mind.
[The portion of the title below that Dylan has boxed in is similar to the title of a scene in the film Pulp Fiction: "The Bonnie Situation". I doubt it's accidental.]
The [edited] Situation
It is not good for me right now (like it ever is)... but anyway... [Dylan Klebold's thought box] My best friend ever: the friend who shared, experimented, laughed, took chances with, & appreciated me more than any friend ever did has been has been ordained.... "passed on".... in my book. Ever since [edited] (who I wouldnt mind killing) has loved him... thats the only place hes been: with her... If anyone had any idea how sad I am... I mean we were the TEAM. When him & I first were friends, hell I finally found someone who was like me: who appreciated me & showed very common interests. Ever since 7th grade ive felt lonely... when [edited] came around, I finally felt hapiness (sometimes)... we did cigars, drinking, sabotage to houses, EVERYTHING for the first time together. & now that he's"moved on" I feel so lonely, w/o a friend. Oh well, maybe he'll come around------>... I hope. That's All [arrow points to] for this topic.... maybe ill never see this again... [arrow points down]
[Sometime between 7-23-97 and 9-5-97 Dylan suddenly found "true love". I can't help wondering if this sudden surge of passion was spawned from the fact that his last journal was all about how his friend had abandoned him in favor of spending time with a girl... and how much the last entry had to do with envying his friend as well as missing him. The emotion in the following and subsequent entries seems theatric, giddy, and ultimately unfulfilled as he never actually professes this deep and sudden love to the girl he claims to want so much. It's almost like he picked someone at random to act out a crush on, to compensate for the fact that his friend has a girlfriend and he doesn't.]
My 1st Love???
OH My God..... I am almost sure I am in love... w. [edited]. Hehehe... such asta a strange name, like mine... Yet everything about her I love. From her good body to her almost perfect face, her charm, her wit, & cunning, her NOT Being popular, Her friends (who I know) -some - I just hope she likes me as much as I L♥ LO♥E Her. I think of her every second of every day, I want to be with her, I imagine me & her doing things together, the sound of her laugh, I picture her face, I love her. If solmates soulmates exist, then I think I've found one mine. I hope she likes Techno....
[Edited], I love you,
oooh god i want to die sooo bad... such a sad, desolate, lonely, unsalvageable i feel i am..... not fair, NOT FAIR!!!! I wanted happiness!! I never got it... let's sum up my life... the most miserable existence in the history of time.... My best friend has ditched me forever, lost in bettering himself, & having/enjoying/ taking for granted his love.... Ive NEVER knew this... not 100 times near this... they look at me [edited] like i'm a stranger;... I helped them both out thru life, & they left me in the abyss of suffering when i gave them the boost out. The one who I thought was my true love, [edited], is not. Just a shell of what I want the most... The meanest trick was played on me - a fake love... She in reality doesn't give a good fuck about me... doesn't even know me..... I have no happiness, no ambitions, no friends, & no LOVE!!! [Edited] can get me that gun I hope, I wanna use it on a poor S.O.B. I know... his name is vodka, dylan is his name too. What else can I do/give... i stopped the pornography. I try not to pick on people. Obviously at least one power is against me. [edited]... funny how Ive been thinking about her over the last few days... giving myself fake realities that she, others MIGHT have liked me just a Dylan Klebold's journalbit.... my bad... I have always been hated, by everyone & everything, just never aware.... Goodbye all the crushes ive ever had, just shells.... images, no tu truths... BUT WHY? YeS, You can read this, why did god [incoherent scrawl]
[arrow points down to text below]
A dark time,
I want to find
[The second to the last line in Dylan's poem below is also the name of a song by Nine Inch Nails.]
sorry to everyone...
I just can't take it..
all the thoughts...
to many...make my
i must have happiness,
goodbyeIgnorance is bliss
happiness is ambition
desolation is knowledge
pain is acceptance
despair is anger
denial is helpless
martyrism is hope for others
advantages taken are causes of martyrism
revenge is sorrow
death is a reprieve
life is a punishment
others' achievements are tormentations
people are alike
i am different - Dylan
me is a god, a god of sadness
exiled to this eternal hell
the people i helped, abandon me
i am denied what i want,
to love & to be happy
being made a human
without the possibility of BEING human
the cruellest of all punishments
to some i am crazy
it is so clear, yet so foggy
everything's connected, seperated
I am the only interpreter of this
Id rather have nothing than be nothing
some say godliness isn't nothing
humanity is the something i long for
I just want something I can never have.
The story of my existence -Dylan
Fuck that --> Dylan Klebold
Me. sorry I didn't write, A SHITLOAD in my existence mist. Ok... hell & back... ive been to the zombie bliss side... & I hate it as much if not more than the awareness part. I'm back now.... a taste of what I thought I want... wrong. Possible girlfriends are coming then [edited].. I'll give the phony shit up in a second. want TRUE love.... I just want something i can never have.... true true I hate everything. why can't I die... not fair. I want pure bliss... to be cuddling w. [edited], who i think i love deeper than ever... I was hollow, thought I was right. Another form of the Downward Spiral... deeper & deeper it goes. to cuddle w. her, to be one w. her, to love; just laying there. I need a gun. This is a wierd entry... I should feel happy, but shit brought me down. I feel terrible. [Sketch of a "thought box" labeled 'TB'] The Lost Highway apparently repeats itself. I want drink. now. [edited] lucky bastard gets a perfect soulmate, who he can admit FUCKIN SUICIDE to & I get rejected for being honest about fuckin hate for jocks. From the wrong people maybe... [edited] & [edited].. Anyway... heres a 2 poems...
Awareness signs the warrant for suffering. why is it that the zombies achieve something me wants (overdeveloped me). They can love, why can't i? The true existence lives in solitude, always aware, always infinite, always, looking, for, his love. Peace might be the ultimate destination... destination unknown... i want happiness. Abandonment is present for the martyr. my thoughts exist in, want to exist live in. I want to find a room in the great hall & stay there w. my love forever. sadness seems infinite, & the shell of happiness shines around. Yet the true despair overcomes it this lifetime. How tragic too my
FUCKIN DUMASS SHITHEAD
I HATE SHIT motherfuckin
goddam piece of death
thought and nothin
No emotions. not caring.
yet another stage in this
shit life. suicide... Dylan Klebold
Farther & farther distant... That's what's happening. me & everything that zombies consider real... just images, not life. Soon I will be at peace I hope..
Burn --> ♫ "with all yer life fucked up around you". ♫ I get more depressed with each day... more shit.... & I CAN'T EVER STOP IT!!!! [illegible scrawl]
Some god i am... All people i ever might have loved have abandoned me, my parents piss me off & hate me... want me to have fuckin ambition!! How can i when i get screwed & destroyed By everything??!!!! I have no money, no happiness, no friends... Eric will be getting farther away soon... I'll have less than nothing... how normal. I wanted to love... i wanted to be happy and ambitious and free & nice & good & ignorant.... everyone abandoned me.... i have small stupid pleasures,... my so called hobbies & doings.... those are all thats left for me. < clinging onto the smallest rocks... many people climbing up a never-ending vertical cliff.... [edited] & [edited] found a plateau to exist on....they walked up me to get to it. Nobody will help me... only exist w. me if it suits them. i helped, why cant they? [edited] will get me a gun, ill go on my killing spree against anyone I want. more crazy...deeper in the spiral, lost highway repeating, dwelling on the beautiful past, ([edited] & [edited] gettin drunk) w. me, everyone moves up i always stayed. Abandonment. this room sux. wanna die.
everything is as least expected. The meak are trampled on, the assholes prevail, the gods are decieving, lost in my little insane asylum w. the outhouse redneck music playing... wanna die & be free w. my love... if she even exists. She probably hates me... finds a [illegible] or a jock who treats her like shit. I remember details... nothing worth remembering i remember. I don't know my love: could be [edited], or [edited], or [edited], or [edited], or anyone. I don't know & im sick of not KNOWING!! to be kept in the dark is a punishment!!!
I have lost my emotions... like in hurt the song. NIN. People eventually find happiness. i never will. Does that make me a non-human? YES. the god of sadness... [edited] church was so fun.... the rec thing w. marc...
anything < no, everything < NO!
... Beeerr... man I dont
know what's up lately...never do in existence. All this shit w. [edited] and [edited] friends.... so wierd & different from past... yet again, thats the way in existence. I wonder if i ll ever have a love...my love. [edited] got his, I dont, wont ever get mine. Here's all the people ive loved, or at least liked (or thought I loved) - all the same meaning.
[edited] [Dylan Klebold's thought box]
[edited] is the newest... [Dylan's drawing] the purest, (for now)... seems perfect for me... I seem perfect for her. I was delusional & thought she waved at me the last day of school. Oh well... my emotions are gone so much past pain alone, my senses are numbed. The beauty of being numb...Lates
one of my symbols --> O
[sideways print near top of page]
Dylan Klebold's Everything - No, everything equation
The cliff theory... everyone trying to get higher & stable...
Fuck that --> Dylan Klebold
Existence... to understand )
Well well...so much changes... (like ..existence). I understand almost everything now... so close to my love - [edited]. The runes have shown it, she has shown it, i have felt it. I know the meaning of each life: To be loved by yer love, & to be happy with ones self. [Dylan Klebold's thought box] Only for the gods though (me, [edited] & etc.) The zombies & their society band together & try to destroy what is superior & what they don't understand & are afraid of. Soon... either ill commit suicide, or I'll get w. [edited] & it will be NBK for us. My hapiness. her hapiness. NOTHING else matters. Ive been caught w. most of my crimes -- xpl drinking, smoking, & the house vandalism & the pipe bombs. If by fate's choice, [edited] didn't love me, id slit my wrist & blow up atlanta strapped to my neck. It's good, understanding. a hard road since my realization, but it gets easier. BUT IT DOESNT! That's part of existence. Unpredictable. Existence is pure hell & pure heaven at the same time. I will never stop wondering, the lost highway will never end, the music in my head will never stop...It's all part of existence. The hall will never end. The love will always be here. GOD
I LOVE HER!!! It's so great to love.
society is tightening it's grip on me, & soon I & [edited] will snap, he will have on revenge on society, & then be free, to exist in a timeless sourceless place of pure hapiness. The purpose of life is to be happy & be with yer love who is equally happy. Not much more to say. goodbye.
[Dylan Klebold's drawing of the lost highway]
her, & she loves
Almost happiness in
slavery -- the real people (gods)
are slaves to the majority
of zombies, but we know
& love being superior.
I didnt want to
be a jock... i hated
have - & I will
(By the way, some zombies are smarter than others,
some manipulate... like my parents.)
I am God. [edited] is God.
& zombies will pay for
their arrogance, hate, fear, abandonment, &
I LOVE YOU [edited] Thats all I think about anymore... I know that this humanity is almost done. that we will be free. [Dylan Klebold's thought box] We have proven to fate that we are the everything of purity & halcyon, & that we deserve, need, love, cant exist w/o each other. its bad i think that i might not be enough, my mind sometimes gets stuck on its own things, i think about human things. All i try to do is imagine the happiness between us. that is something we cannot even concieve in the toilet earth. The everything, the halcyon, the happiness is ours. There will be no notes from me. Let the humans suffer w/o my knowledge of the everything. I am trying not to think about the happiness, somehow thinking that [Dylan's sign for "fate"] will destroy it if i concieve/relish in it when I'm a human. But i love her. we are soulmates.
[Drawing of a heart by Dylan Klebold]
[Dylan's handwriting in the letter below is much neater and more legible than his regular entries, a love letter written to a girl who never received it as it was still part of this journal when police took it from his home.]
(Please dont skip to the back: read the note as it was written)
You don't consciously know who I am, & doubtedly unconsciously too. I, who write this, love you beyond infinice. I think about you all the time, how this world would be a better place If you loved me as I do you. I know what you're thinking: "(some psycho wrote me this harassing letter)" I hoped we could have been together... you seem a lot like me. Pensive, quiet, an observer, not wanting what is offered here (school, life, etc.) You almost seem lonely, like me. You probably have a boyfriend, though, & might have not given this note another thought. I have thought you my true love for a long time now, but... well... there was hesitation. You see I can't tell if you think of anyone as I do you, & if you did who that would be. Fate put me in need of you, yet this Earth blocked that with uncertainties. I will go away soon, but I just had to write this to you, the the one I truly loved. Please, for my sake, dont tell anyone about this, as it was only meant for you. Also, please don't feel any guilt about my soon-to-be "absense" of this world. [arrow points to a note in the margin that reads: "It is solely my decision: nobody else's."] Oh... the the thoughts of w us... doing everything together, not necessarily anything, just to be together would have been pure heaven heaven. I guess it's Time time to tell you who I am. I was in a class with you 1st semester, & was blessed w. being with you in a report. I still remember your laugh. Innocent, beautiful, pure. This semester I still see you rarely. I am entranced during 5th period, as we both have it off. To most people, I appear.. well... almost scary, but that's who I appear to be as people are afraid of what they don't understand. I denied who I was for a long time. until high school...
Anyway, you have noticed me a few times, I catch every one of these gazes w. an open heart. I think you know who I am by now. Unfortunately... you even if you did like me even the slightest bit, you would hate hate me if you knew who I was. I am a criminal, I have done things that almost nobody would even think about condoning. The reas reason that I'm writing you now is that I have been caught for the crimes I comitted, & I went want to go to a new existence. You know what I mean. (Suicide) I have have nothing to live for, & I won't be able to survive in this world after this legal conviction. However However, if it was true that you loved me as I do you,... I would find a way to survive. Anything to be with you. [arrow points to margin where Dylan writes: I would enjoy life knowing that you loved me.] 99/100 chances you prob. think I'm crazy, & want to stay as far away as possible. If that's the case, then I'm very sorry for involving an innocent person in my problems, & please don't think twice. However, If you are are who I hoped for in my dreams dreams & realities realities, then do me this a favor: Leave Leave a piece of paper in my locker, [arrow to margin note reading: "Locker #837 -- combo=19-37-9 --near the library"] saying anything that comes to you. Well, I guees guess this is it-- goodbye & I love(d) you.
Double cross drawn by Dylan Klebold
I LOVE [edited]!!
I love her to infinince. I look back on my awareness journey, see the parts & sections of my understanding... its almost done, yet it is never done, I love [edited], she is my soulmate, my love, all the imaginative halcyons & pure existences I have with her (to me) are almost happiness... I just wish I could call her... something blocks me from calling her my human side is putting up a wall, to prevent me from calling her, like a few of "its" truth. BS. I will overcome all fears, doubts, & zombie-based thoughts (oxymoron)... I will follow our hearts, to the halcyon, loving her. I love you [edited]
i think I don't care
Forever, Fate, up & down spiral
1.5 human years.... so much changed in small time, my friends (at my choice) are depleting & collapsing under each other (Eric & [edited]) like i thought they would. I am ready to be w. [edited]. The ups & downs of fate are forever, good & bad, equal. me. [tri-tier cross] the lost highway, & downward spiral never end. existence is like infinity times itself. ∞ ∞ I have passed thru this much of the ever existence. this is almost a checkpoint. The zombies have set their place in my mind. for the cliff theory, Ive jumped off w. [arrow down to] [edited] & we've floated away to the halcyon. the zombies will pay for their being, their nature. I know everything, yet I know nothing. I am a true god. my infinite memories, thoughts, [Dylan Klebold's thought box] perceivations of purity come a lot more w. her, there is pure pure hapiness -- the pupo purpose of our our existence. I hate, love things. hate everything, love me & [edited]. I understand that i can never ever be a zombie, even if i wanted to. the nature of my entity.. Soon we will live in the halcyons of our minds, the one thing that made me a god. Things are so simple, now that they are infinitely complicated. HAHAHAHA
I AM THE GOD
OF THE EVERYTHING
Fate is my only master
This is prob. my last
entry. [line points to "I will never stop learning."] i love my
self, close second to
[edited], my everlasting
This shit again. back at writing doing just like a fucking zombie. Lately I cant change my mind from the fucking deeds of zombies. Earth, humanity, HERE. thats mostly what I think about. I hate it. I want to be free.... free... I thought it would have been time by now. the pain multiplies infinitely. never stops. (yet(¿?) im here, STILL alone, still in pain. so is she. The thing i have concluded is that fate will decide when we should be together. Decided when our existence started, it should end the same way, with us unknowing, in limbo. I love you [edited]. Always have, will. The scenarios, images, pieces of happiness still come. They always will. I love her. she loves me. i know she is tired of suffering as i am. it is time. it is time. I love her. the journey, the endless journey, started it has to end. we need to be happy to exist timely. I see her in perfection, the halcyons. love it, endless purity. i exist as a less than nothing w/o her -O.
my humanity, -O. I dont know if I should call her, or wait for f to act. Yet, calling her is a state of humanity. Im forever sorry, infinitely, about the pornos. My humanity has a foot fetish, & bondage exteme liking. i try to thwart it, sometimes to no effect, Yet the masturbation has stopped. I'm sorry [edited] Always. I feel the happiness here, thinking of her, for brief moments. Thats how i know the everything is true.
[written beside a few hearts and the words: I LOVE YOU]
I hate this non-thinking stasis. Im stuck in humanity. maybe going "NBK" (gawd) w. eric is the way to break free. i hate this.
[heart with small Love you]
The weather is a replication of our thoughts. The happiness is possible, iminent, I love you [edited].
DK + ??
The happiness is close,
visible, ending, end of
the beginning of the
The humanity is blocking me again. Time to go. Hahahaha fuck all. hate this shit need to be me. We, I love her Dylan Klebold love scrawl
The framework of society stands above & below me. The hardest thing to destroy, yet the weakest thing that exists. I know that i am different, yet i am afraid to tell the society. The possible abandonment, persecution is not something I want to face, yet it is so primitive to me. I guess being yourself means letting people know about inner thoughts too, not just opinions & fashions. (Heheh) I will be free one day, in the land of purity & my happiness, I will have a love, someone who is me in a way. Someday... Possibly thru this life, maybe another, but it will happen...
Love is more valuable than anything I know. To love is to enter a completion of one's self. I hate those who choose to destroy a love, who take it for granted. love is greater than life even. As i look for love, i feel i can't find it. ever. but something tells me i will. Someday. Somewhere. As my love will find me. She feels as i do right now, i can feel it. we will be inseperable. Her & i. Whether it is [edited] or not, i think ill find it. (my love). we will be free, to explore the vast wonders of the stars. To cascade down everlong waterfalls, & thru the warmest seas of pure happiness... no limits... no limits. Nothing will stop us.
List of names from Dylan Klebold's journal. Names have been blacked out by investigators to protect the privacy of the people named.
[When I saw this drawing, my first thought was "h-bomb", the "h" coming from the heart theme to it. Notice the 'lost highway' sketched into the explosion as well - a running theme in Dylan's diary entries. There's also an infinity symbol that makes up the shadow of the heart-shaped mushroom cloud, which could relate to Dylan's musings about an infinite love that he feels and craves. Also, in the center of ground zero appear several question marks. In the center of the heart Dylan's drawn the tri-tier cross that appears on several other pages he wrote.]
everyone else - "this
book cannot be opened,
some supernatural force
blocks it to common force
everything sucks in
[text surrounded by three hearts]
I know its
my love is
ever is the
that we have
w. each other
I now know the final
battle. the pain of
humanity is our love...
Sketch of a heart with a tri-tier cross / crude lost highway sketch inside
[edited] is for the [edited] joy
she gives me
[edited] is for the how she [edited]
the helpless with her beautiful
[edited] is for the [edited]
moments times she shares w. me
[edited] is for the [edited] found
love that ive been looking for
all my life
[edited] = is the [edited]
of us as a couple
[edited] = How [edited] I hope to
spend time with her
[edited]= how she is the [edited]
one i love, that i have ever loved
[edited] = [big scribble] is for
the [edited] where we can
look at the stars
[edited] = How [edited] beautiful
[edited] = Her [edited] for everything
[text below was written sideways in Dylan Klebold's journal]
To my Love
As a man, a conquerer does his deeds of
greatness, He thinks he is complete. Yet, the true
great person achieves happiness only when he
has met his soulmate.
Alone unknown until the first time they lay
eyes on each other. A true love is hard to come
by, yet the most fulfilling, beautiful, completing
achievement any man can have. Some have wealth,
some have power, some have great intellect, yet i feel
an infinant # of times greater than those as i
have found my true love.
<<-- 5 -->>
My whole existence is flawed...
You get me closer to god..... (nin)
Possibility of Happiness.....
Understanding of the everything..... [Drawing of a moon with three-tiered cross and stars by Dylan Klebold]
The candle burns....,
the stars set the
smoke fills the room.....
the hope is sent
thru infinite places...
all of purity....
[Dylan's drawing of a desk?]
NBK stands for Natural Born Killers TDS: the downward spiral
[Please don't show this note to
anyone..... it was meant only for
you. ] (Don't tell anyone either)
(You know me...) Hearts drawn by Dylan Klebold
[scrawled over everything are the words I LOVE YOU]
[edited], I am SO
Sorry... I see i have made
you sad & fucked us up somehow.
i will try... always... i will always
love you please know this....
[sketch of the lost highway Dylan likes to draw appears under the following words]
you I LOVE
Dylan's downward spiral
Dylan's tri-tier cross
Stylized number 5
If you dont know who I am still then I apparently haven't been noticeable enough.... please dont take offense or worry about this note... if you do know who I am, or if you want to anyway, please leave me a note in my locker saying whatever you want whether that be telling me to fuck off or else youll call the cops, or if you want to say whatever, just pleasedo me that favor... if you tell me to
leave you alone, I will.
I like you [edited], but I won't force that ever. #837
Dylan Klebold's initials PS (I DID try to call you but you must have been asleep) [Dylan's writing]
In a boring, gay, retarded classroom, there were a bunch of koolios doing some childish writing exercise for kindergardners. It was dark outside. there was a grenade lancher on the desk next-closest to the back wall, & a couple of boxes of rockets. The spacey teacher made a groaning noise, & started to throw globs of flesh at the kids. The kids turned into zombies, & started throwing too.
[Someone else's writing]
The coolios waited for the right moment. At last she turned her back, and the coolios sprang into action. Reb grabbed the grenade launcher and began firing at the hideous beast.
Suddenly, The zombie wouldn't go down. Marine training kicked in and I dodged to the left avoiding the flesh globs as they smacked against the wall behind me. tossing a spare rocket to Vodka, he shoved it into the zombie-master's back as I, Reb, distracted her by throwing Tombstones at her. Meanwhile, the other koolios were battleing the zombified students with their newly founded right guns.
[Fourth person's writing]
All of the sudden a bright light shot out of the sky. There was a huge explosion and tons of black smoke everywhere. One of the koolios stood up to see if anyone had survived. There was nothing to see everything had disappeared & all that was left was a lonely koolio and one riot gun. Since he was so sad he shot himself
The humanity of here & now clouds all that I see. yet the me, the one, can now control the pain, & it is done. 5 more days. 5....... A very influential number, another brick in my journeyed wall. Humans are zombies, they search for acceptance & greed & kill themselves thru each other. They will never learn, or maybe they will, but wont have the stregth to learn. to be aware is not a trait, its a godlike thing, Blessed God. Not a christian, jesus, mt. sanai, Abraham, David, bible gay shit god, but a true controller of existence. Dylan Klebold's chaos symbol has to make us this way.These moments will be lost in the depressions & caverns of the human books forever, like, tears, in, pain
, but the thoughts will be eternal. To explain the happiness is impossible ever for fate. its just a pure halcyon set to last more existences than a conceivable number. stupid gay nigger humans think im "crazy". or they think im childish. hahaha. because i cant solve S sin52xss3xdx. That makes me dumb! Because i cant stay thinking in a 2nd dimension, i go to the 5th! haha. so i wait 5 more days. 5 more days. 5 eternitys. & i know he & i are concieved from ourselves & each other. every night of the self-awareness journey, every thought we concieved, we have finished the race. time to die. everything we knew, we were able to understand it, to percieve it, into what we should, everything we knew, we know & use. an understanding of the everything. An einstein stuck in an ant's body. we are the nature of existence. the zombies were a test to see if our love was genuine. we are in wait of our reward, each other. the zombies will never cause us pain anymore. the humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love
[Top of the number 1 drawn like it's standing behind the text below]
1 One day. one is the beginning? the end. hahaha. reversed, yet true. About 26.5 hours from now the judgement will begin. Difficult, but not impossible, necessary, nervewracking & fun.
What fun is life without
a little death?
Its interesting, when im in my human form, knowing im going to die. Everything has a touch of triviality to it. like how none of this calculus shit matters. the way it shuldn't. the truth. In 26.4 hours ill be dead, & in happiness. The little zombie human fags will know their errors, & be forever suffering & mournful, HAHAHA, of course i will miss things. not really.
Ok, this is my will. This is a fucking human thing to do, but whatever,
[edited] - You were a badass, never failed to get me up when i was down. Thx. You get
1 or 2 grens w. crickets attached
All pocket crickets
2 beta -- in BP?
1 fx tnt
of gas &
oil in camera
[Front and back illustration drawn by Dylan Klebold. Depicts what he planned to wear to Columbine High School on the day of the shootings.]
Notes on "F" left side (top to bottom):
camera case w napalm
pocket knives, watch
Notes on "F" right side (top to bottom):
& 3 other clips.
Timeline of events that Dylan wrote shortly before the shootings at Columbine.
Walk in, set bombs at 11:09, for 11:17
Leave, set car bombs.
Drive to clemete Park. Gearup.
Get back by 11:15
Park cars. set car bombs for 11:18
get out, go to outside hill, wait.
When first bombs go off, attack.
napalm gas/oil bomb =) Duffel bags.
Propane bomb illustration
shit / books, sports shit, etc.
After Lunch starts - more ppl!
Baseball glove and guy
[Another sketch of the outfit Dylan Klebold would wear during the shootings at Columbine High.]
DO SHIT FOR NBK
File off clip.
Buy cargo pants
work out carrying gear plan BDay shit
Find out how to carry Tec-9
Get pouches - geologist in yer old closet.
Get napalm containers
Buy straps Figure out how to carry knife
Practice in-car gearups
Get shells - .00
Give Reb powder
Buy Adidas soccer bag(s)
Give Reb glass containers [Small sketch of Dylan Klebold's gearup outfit]
Fill up gascans
Find volatile combo. of gas & oil
Look for voltage amplifier, Internet or Radioshak
Buy "wrath" t-shirt
Buy punk gloves.