Columbine Bullying No Myth, Panel Told, by Howard Pankratz

Gathered together in one place, for easy access, an agglomeration of writings and images relevant to the Rapeutation phenomenon.

Re: Columbine Bullying No Myth, Panel Told, by Howard Pankra

Postby admin » Thu May 08, 2014 8:45 pm

Dylan Klebold's Journal and Other Writings
by acolumbinesite.com

The following are entries from Dylan Klebold's personal journal. All misspellings and misuses of words and symbols appear as they were written by Dylan, as presented in the additional Columbine Documents released in 2006. Where the word [edited] appears is where investigators redacted (blacked out) words before the release of the documents to the general public. Other comments in [ ] brackets are my notes.

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Cover page of Dylan Klebold's journal / diary

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[Drawing found in Dylan Klebold's journal]

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[Drawing found in Dylan Klebold's journal]

<<-VoDkA->>

3-31-97

Life existence

EL THOUGHTZO'S

AH yes, this is me writing... just writing, nobody technically did anything, just i felt like throwing out my thoughts - this is a wierd time, wierd life, wierd existence. As i sit here (partially drunk w. a screwdriver) i think a lot. Think... Think... that's all my life is, just shitloads of thinking... all the time... my mind never stops... music runs 24/7 (xpt for sleep), just songs i hear, not necessarily good or bad, & thinking... about the asshole [edited] in Gym class, how he worries me, about driving, & my family, about friends & doings with them, about girls i kno (mainly [edited] & [edited]), how i kno i can never have them, yet i can still dream... I do shit to supposedly 'cleanse' myself in a spiritual, moral sort of way (deleting the 'limits' on my comp, not getting drunk for periods of time, trying not to ridicule/make fun of people ([edited]) at school, yet it does nothing to help my life - moraly. My existence is shit. To me - how i feel that i am in eternal suffering. in infinite directions in infinite realities - yet these [Dylan scribble] realities are fake- artificial, induced by thought, how everything connects, yet it's all so far apart.... & i sit & think... Science is the way to find solutions to everything, right? I still think that, yet i see different views of shit now like the mind - yet if the mind is viewed scientifically... HMM I dwell in the past... thinking of good & bad movies

a lot on the past though... ive always had a thing for the past - how it reacts to the present & the future - or rather vice versa. I wonder how/when i got so fucked up... my mind, existence, problem - when Dylan Benet Klebold got covered up by this entity containing Dylan's body... as i see the people at school - some good, some bad - I see how different i am (aren't we all you'll say) yet i'm on such a greater scale of difference (as far as I kno, or guess) I see jocks having fun, friends, woman, LIVEZ

[two drawn arrows pointing down to the text below]

or rather shallow existences compared to mine (maybe). Like ignorance = bliss - they don't know this world (how I do in my mind or in reality, or in this existence) yet we each are lacking something that the other possesses -- i lack the true human nature that Dylan owned, & they lack the overdeveloped mind/ imagination/ knowledge tool I don't sit in here thinking of suicide gives me hope, that i'll be in my place wherever I go after this life. that ill finally not be at war w. myself, the world, the universe - my mind, body, everywhere, everything at PEACE... me- my soul (existence). & the rotine - is still monotonous, go to school, be scared & nervous, somewhat hoping that people can accept me... that i can accept them... the NIN song Piggy is good for thought writing... The lost Highway sounds like a movie about me... im gonna write later, bye - <<-VoDkA->>

<<-VoDkA->>
4-15-97
Poetry? my way

Da ThoughtZ Jeah

Well well, back at it, yes, (you say) [scribble] whoever the fuck 'you' is, but yea. My life is still fucked, in case you care... maybe,... (not?) I have just lost fuckin 45$, & Before that I lost my zippo & knife - (i did get those back) Why the fuck is he being such an ASSHOLE??? (god i guess, whoever is the being which controlls shit) He's fucking me over big time & it pisses me off. OOOh god i HATE my life, i want to die really bad right now - let's see what i have that's good: A nice family, a good house, food, a couple good friends, & possessions. What's bad: no girls (friends or girlfriends), no other friends except a few, nobody accepting me even though i want to be accepted, me doing badly & being intimidated in any & all sports, me looking wierd & acting shy - BIG problem, me getting bad grades, having no ambition of life, thats the big shit. Anyway... I was Mr. Cutter tonight - I have 11 depressioners on my right hand now, & my fav. contrasting symbol, because it is so true & means so much [sketches in margin labeled 'thought picture' and 'cut'] - The battle between good & bad never ends... OK, enough bitchin... well im not done yet. ok so... I dont know what i do wrong with people (mainly women) - its like they all set out to hate & ignore me, i never know what to say or do, [edited] is soo fuckin lucky he has no idea how I suffer.
ok here's some poetry... this is a display of one man in search of answers, never finding them, yet in hopelessness understands things...

Existence..... what a strange word. He, set out by determination & curiosity, knows no existence, knows nothing realevent to himself. The petty destinations of others & everything on this world, in this world, he knows the answers to. Yet they have no purpose to him. He seeks knowledge of the unthinkable, of the indefineable, of the unknown. He explores the everything...using his mind, the most powerful tool known to him. Not a physical barrier blocking the limits of exploration, time thru thought thru dimensions.... the everything is his realm. Yet, the more he thinks, hoping to find answers to his questions, the more come up. Amazingly, the petty things mean much to him at this time, how he wants to be normal, not this transceiver of the everything. Then, ocuring to him, the answer. How everything is connected yet seperate. By experiencing the petty others' actions, reactions, emotions, doings, [scribble] and thoughts, he gets a mental picture of what, in his mind, is a cycle. Existence is a great hall, life is one of the [scribble] rooms, death is passing thru the doors, & the ever-existant compulsion of everything is the curiosity to keep moving down the hall, thru the doors, exploring rooms, down this never-ending hall. Questions make answers, answers conceive questions, and at long last he is content.

TTYL <<-VoDkA->>

<<-VoDkA->>
5-7-97
My thoutz shit

Thoutz

Yo.... whassup... heehehehe...Know what's whi wierd? Everyone knows everyone. I swear, like im an outcast, & everyone is conspiring against me.... Check it... (this isn't good, but i need to write, so here....)

Within the known limits of time... within the conceived boundaries of space... the average human thinks these are the settings of existence... Yet the ponderer, the outkast, the believer, helps out the human. "Think not of 2 dimensions" says the ponderer, "But of 3, as your world is conceived of 3 dimensions, so is mine. While you explore the immediate physical boundaries of your body, you see in your 3 dimensions - L, W, & H. Yet I, who is more mentally open to anything, see my 3 dimensions, my realm of thought - Time, Space, & THOUGHT. Thought is the most powerful thing that exists - anything conceivable can be produced, anything & everything is possible, even in your physical world." After this so called "lecture" the common man feels confused, empty, & unaware. Yet, those are the best emotions of a ponderer. The real difference is, a true ponderer will explore these emotions & what caused them.
Another... a dream.

Miles & miles of never-ending grass, like a wheat. A farm, sunshine, a happy feeling in the presence, Absolutely nothing wrong, nothing ever is, contrary 180° to normal life. No awareness, just pure bliss, unexplainable bliss, The only challenges are no challenge, & then... [sketch of a wall] BAM!!! realization sets in, the world is the greatest punishment: life.

Hypnosis Place - It is a sky - with one large cloud, & sort of a cloud-made chair - the sun is at the head of the chair... 10 oclock up into the sky.... Below, i sometimes see myst, & the green (Great green) earth. sorta a city, yet I hear nothing. I relax on this chair - actually like a chaise - & i am talking... to what? I don't know - it's just there, i have the feeling that i kno him, even though I consciously dont... & we talk like we are the same person - like hes my soul....

[sketch of a 'thought box'] The everlasting contrast....

Dark. Light. God. Lucifer. Heaven. Hell. GOOD. BAD. Yes, the ever-lasting contrast. Since existance has known, the 'fight' between good & evil has continued. Obviously, this fight can never end. Good things turn bad, bad things become good, the 'people' on the earth see it as a battle they can win. HA fuckin morons. If people looked at History, they would see what happens. I think, too much, I understand, I am GOD compared to some of these un-existable, brainless zombies. Yet, the actions of them interest me, like a kid w. a new toy. Another contrast, more of a paradox, actually, like the advanced go for the undevelopeds realm, while some of the morons become everything dwellers - but, exceptions to every rule, & this is a BIG exception - most morons never change - they never decide to live in the 'everything' frame of mind.
Laterz
<<-VoDkA->>

[The portion of the title below that Dylan has boxed in is similar to the title of a scene in the film Pulp Fiction: "The Bonnie Situation". I doubt it's accidental.]

<<-VoDkA->>
7-23-97
A changing
time

acolumbinesite.com/reports/report.html

<<-VoDkA->>'s Thoughts
The [edited] Situation

It is not good for me right now (like it ever is)... but anyway... [Dylan Klebold's thought box] My best friend ever: the friend who shared, experimented, laughed, took chances with, & appreciated me more than any friend ever did has been has been ordained.... "passed on".... in my book. Ever since [edited] (who I wouldnt mind killing) has loved him... thats the only place hes been: with her... If anyone had any idea how sad I am... I mean we were the TEAM. When him & I first were friends, hell I finally found someone who was like me: who appreciated me & showed very common interests. Ever since 7th grade ive felt lonely... when [edited] came around, I finally felt hapiness (sometimes)... we did cigars, drinking, sabotage to houses, EVERYTHING for the first time together. & now that he's"moved on" I feel so lonely, w/o a friend. Oh well, maybe he'll come around------>... I hope. That's All [arrow points to] for this topic.... maybe ill never see this again... [arrow points down]
ô=[edited]=ô
<<-VoDkA->>

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[Sometime between 7-23-97 and 9-5-97 Dylan suddenly found "true love". I can't help wondering if this sudden surge of passion was spawned from the fact that his last journal was all about how his friend had abandoned him in favor of spending time with a girl... and how much the last entry had to do with envying his friend as well as missing him. The emotion in the following and subsequent entries seems theatric, giddy, and ultimately unfulfilled as he never actually professes this deep and sudden love to the girl he claims to want so much. It's almost like he picked someone at random to act out a crush on, to compensate for the fact that his friend has a girlfriend and he doesn't.]

My 1st Love???

OH My God..... I am almost sure I am in love... w. [edited]. Hehehe... such asta a strange name, like mine... Yet everything about her I love. From her good body to her almost perfect face, her charm, her wit, & cunning, her NOT Being popular, Her friends (who I know) -some - I just hope she likes me as much as I L♥ LO♥E Her. I think of her every second of every day, I want to be with her, I imagine me & her doing things together, the sound of her laugh, I picture her face, I love her. If solmates soulmates exist, then I think I've found one mine. I hope she likes Techno.... :-)

[Edited], I love you,
Dylan

<<-VoDkA->>
9-5-97
Life, sux

My thoughts

oooh god i want to die sooo bad... such a sad, desolate, lonely, unsalvageable i feel i am..... not fair, NOT FAIR!!!! I wanted happiness!! I never got it... let's sum up my life... the most miserable existence in the history of time.... My best friend has ditched me forever, lost in bettering himself, & having/enjoying/ taking for granted his love.... Ive NEVER knew this... not 100 times near this... they look at me [edited] like i'm a stranger;... I helped them both out thru life, & they left me in the abyss of suffering when i gave them the boost out. The one who I thought was my true love, [edited], is not. Just a shell of what I want the most... The meanest trick was played on me - a fake love... She in reality doesn't give a good fuck about me... doesn't even know me..... I have no happiness, no ambitions, no friends, & no LOVE!!! [Edited] can get me that gun I hope, I wanna use it on a poor S.O.B. I know... his name is vodka, dylan is his name too. What else can I do/give... i stopped the pornography. I try not to pick on people. Obviously at least one power is against me. [edited]... funny how Ive been thinking about her over the last few days... giving myself fake realities that she, others MIGHT have liked me just a Dylan Klebold's journalbit.... my bad... I have always been hated, by everyone & everything, just never aware.... Goodbye all the crushes ive ever had, just shells.... images, no tu truths... BUT WHY? YeS, You can read this, why did god [incoherent scrawl]
[arrow points down to text below]

A dark time,
infinite sadness,
I want to find
love.

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[The second to the last line in Dylan's poem below is also the name of a song by Nine Inch Nails.]

Goodbye,
sorry to everyone...
I just can't take it..
all the thoughts...
to many...make my
head twist...
i must have happiness,
love, peace.
goodbyeIgnorance is bliss
happiness is ambition
desolation is knowledge
pain is acceptance
despair is anger
denial is helpless
martyrism is hope for others
advantages taken are causes of martyrism
revenge is sorrow
death is a reprieve
life is a punishment
others' achievements are tormentations
people are alike
i am different - Dylan

me is a god, a god of sadness
exiled to this eternal hell
the people i helped, abandon me
i am denied what i want,
to love & to be happy
being made a human
without the possibility of BEING human
the cruellest of all punishments
to some i am crazy
it is so clear, yet so foggy
everything's connected, seperated
I am the only interpreter of this
Id rather have nothing than be nothing
some say godliness isn't nothing
humanity is the something i long for
I just want something I can never have.
The story of my existence -Dylan

Fuck that --> Dylan Klebold
me
10-14-97
Fuck ev.

Thoughtz

Me. sorry I didn't write, A SHITLOAD in my existence mist. Ok... hell & back... ive been to the zombie bliss side... & I hate it as much if not more than the awareness part. I'm back now.... a taste of what I thought I want... wrong. Possible girlfriends are coming then [edited].. I'll give the phony shit up in a second. want TRUE love.... I just want something i can never have.... true true I hate everything. why can't I die... not fair. I want pure bliss... to be cuddling w. [edited], who i think i love deeper than ever... I was hollow, thought I was right. Another form of the Downward Spiral... deeper & deeper it goes. to cuddle w. her, to be one w. her, to love; just laying there. I need a gun. This is a wierd entry... I should feel happy, but shit brought me down. I feel terrible. [Sketch of a "thought box" labeled 'TB'] The Lost Highway apparently repeats itself. I want drink. now. [edited] lucky bastard gets a perfect soulmate, who he can admit FUCKIN SUICIDE to & I get rejected for being honest about fuckin hate for jocks. From the wrong people maybe... [edited] & [edited].. Anyway... heres a 2 poems...
2 FUCK
me
Die
me

Awareness signs the warrant for suffering. why is it that the zombies achieve something me wants (overdeveloped me). They can love, why can't i? The true existence lives in solitude, always aware, always infinite, always, looking, for, his love. Peace might be the ultimate destination... destination unknown... i want happiness. Abandonment is present for the martyr. my thoughts exist in, want to exist live in. I want to find a room in the great hall & stay there w. my love forever. sadness seems infinite, & the shell of happiness shines around. Yet the true despair overcomes it this lifetime. How tragic too my

FUCKIN DUMASS SHITHEAD
I HATE SHIT motherfuckin
goddam piece of death
thought and nothin
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK!
No emotions. not caring.
yet another stage in this
shit life. suicide... Dylan Klebold

this
11-3-97
Fuck all

ThoughtS

Farther & farther distant... That's what's happening. me & everything that zombies consider real... just images, not life. Soon I will be at peace I hope..
Burn --> ♫ "with all yer life fucked up around you". ♫ I get more depressed with each day... more shit.... & I CAN'T EVER STOP IT!!!! [illegible scrawl]

Some god i am... All people i ever might have loved have abandoned me, my parents piss me off & hate me... want me to have fuckin ambition!! How can i when i get screwed & destroyed By everything??!!!! I have no money, no happiness, no friends... Eric will be getting farther away soon... I'll have less than nothing... how normal. I wanted to love... i wanted to be happy and ambitious and free & nice & good & ignorant.... everyone abandoned me.... i have small stupid pleasures,... my so called hobbies & doings.... those are all thats left for me. < clinging onto the smallest rocks... many people climbing up a never-ending vertical cliff.... [edited] & [edited] found a plateau to exist on....they walked up me to get to it. Nobody will help me... only exist w. me if it suits them. i helped, why cant they? [edited] will get me a gun, ill go on my killing spree against anyone I want. more crazy...deeper in the spiral, lost highway repeating, dwelling on the beautiful past, ([edited] & [edited] gettin drunk) w. me, everyone moves up i always stayed. Abandonment. this room sux. wanna die.

everything is as least expected. The meak are trampled on, the assholes prevail, the gods are decieving, lost in my little insane asylum w. the outhouse redneck music playing... wanna die & be free w. my love... if she even exists. She probably hates me... finds a [illegible] or a jock who treats her like shit. I remember details... nothing worth remembering i remember. I don't know my love: could be [edited], or [edited], or [edited], or [edited], or anyone. I don't know & im sick of not KNOWING!! to be kept in the dark is a punishment!!!
I have lost my emotions... like in hurt the song. NIN. People eventually find happiness. i never will. Does that make me a non-human? YES. the god of sadness... [edited] church was so fun.... the rec thing w. marc...

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anything < no, everything < NO!
everything

1-2-98

... Beeerr... man I dont

know what's up lately...never do in existence. All this shit w. [edited] and [edited] friends.... so wierd & different from past... yet again, thats the way in existence. I wonder if i ll ever have a love...my love. [edited] got his, I dont, wont ever get mine. Here's all the people ive loved, or at least liked (or thought I loved) - all the same meaning.

[edited]
[edited]
[edited] [Dylan Klebold's thought box]
[edited]
[edited]
[edited]
heart [edited]
[edited]
[edited]
[edited]
[edited]
heart [edited]
[edited]
[edited]
[edited]
[edited] is the newest... [Dylan's drawing] the purest, (for now)... seems perfect for me... I seem perfect for her. I was delusional & thought she waved at me the last day of school. Oh well... my emotions are gone so much past pain alone, my senses are numbed. The beauty of being numb...Lates

one of my symbols --> O

heart [edited]
[edited]
[edited]

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[sideways print near top of page]

Dylan Klebold's Everything - No, everything equation

The cliff theory... everyone trying to get higher & stable...

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Fuck that --> Dylan Klebold

2-2-98
Everything

Existence... to understand )

Well well...so much changes... (like ..existence). I understand almost everything now... so close to my love - [edited]. The runes have shown it, she has shown it, i have felt it. I know the meaning of each life: To be loved by yer love, & to be happy with ones self. [Dylan Klebold's thought box] Only for the gods though (me, [edited] & etc.) The zombies & their society band together & try to destroy what is superior & what they don't understand & are afraid of. Soon... either ill commit suicide, or I'll get w. [edited] & it will be NBK for us. My hapiness. her hapiness. NOTHING else matters. Ive been caught w. most of my crimes -- xpl drinking, smoking, & the house vandalism & the pipe bombs. If by fate's choice, [edited] didn't love me, id slit my wrist & blow up atlanta strapped to my neck. It's good, understanding. a hard road since my realization, but it gets easier. BUT IT DOESNT! That's part of existence. Unpredictable. Existence is pure hell & pure heaven at the same time. I will never stop wondering, the lost highway will never end, the music in my head will never stop...It's all part of existence. The hall will never end. The love will always be here. GOD
I LOVE HER!!! It's so great to love.

society is tightening it's grip on me, & soon I & [edited] will snap, he will have on revenge on society, & then be free, to exist in a timeless sourceless place of pure hapiness. The purpose of life is to be happy & be with yer love who is equally happy. Not much more to say. goodbye.

[Dylan Klebold's drawing of the lost highway]

I love
her, & she loves
me.

Almost happiness in
slavery -- the real people (gods)
are slaves to the majority
of zombies, but we know
& love being superior.

I didnt want to
be a jock... i hated
The hapiness
that they
have - & I will
have something
infinitely
better...

(By the way, some zombies are smarter than others,
some manipulate... like my parents.)
I am God. [edited] is God.
& zombies will pay for
their arrogance, hate, fear, abandonment, &
distrust.

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I LOVE YOU [edited] Thats all I think about anymore... I know that this humanity is almost done. that we will be free. [Dylan Klebold's thought box] We have proven to fate that we are the everything of purity & halcyon, & that we deserve, need, love, cant exist w/o each other. its bad i think that i might not be enough, my mind sometimes gets stuck on its own things, i think about human things. All i try to do is imagine the happiness between us. that is something we cannot even concieve in the toilet earth. The everything, the halcyon, the happiness is ours. There will be no notes from me. Let the humans suffer w/o my knowledge of the everything. I am trying not to think about the happiness, somehow thinking that [Dylan's sign for "fate"] will destroy it if i concieve/relish in it when I'm a human. But i love her. we are soulmates.

[Drawing of a heart by Dylan Klebold]

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[Dylan's handwriting in the letter below is much neater and more legible than his regular entries, a love letter written to a girl who never received it as it was still part of this journal when police took it from his home.]

[edited],
(Please dont skip to the back: read the note as it was written)

You don't consciously know who I am, & doubtedly unconsciously too. I, who write this, love you beyond infinice. I think about you all the time, how this world would be a better place If you loved me as I do you. I know what you're thinking: "(some psycho wrote me this harassing letter)" I hoped we could have been together... you seem a lot like me. Pensive, quiet, an observer, not wanting what is offered here (school, life, etc.) You almost seem lonely, like me. You probably have a boyfriend, though, & might have not given this note another thought. I have thought you my true love for a long time now, but... well... there was hesitation. You see I can't tell if you think of anyone as I do you, & if you did who that would be. Fate put me in need of you, yet this Earth blocked that with uncertainties. I will go away soon, but I just had to write this to you, the the one I truly loved. Please, for my sake, dont tell anyone about this, as it was only meant for you. Also, please don't feel any guilt about my soon-to-be "absense" of this world. [arrow points to a note in the margin that reads: "It is solely my decision: nobody else's."] Oh... the the thoughts of w us... doing everything together, not necessarily anything, just to be together would have been pure heaven heaven. I guess it's Time time to tell you who I am. I was in a class with you 1st semester, & was blessed w. being with you in a report. I still remember your laugh. Innocent, beautiful, pure. This semester I still see you rarely. I am entranced during 5th period, as we both have it off. To most people, I appear.. well... almost scary, but that's who I appear to be as people are afraid of what they don't understand. I denied who I was for a long time. until high school...
Anyway, you have noticed me a few times, I catch every one of these gazes w. an open heart. I think you know who I am by now. Unfortunately... you even if you did like me even the slightest bit, you would hate hate me if you knew who I was. I am a criminal, I have done things that almost nobody would even think about condoning. The reas reason that I'm writing you now is that I have been caught for the crimes I comitted, & I went want to go to a new existence. You know what I mean. (Suicide) I have have nothing to live for, & I won't be able to survive in this world after this legal conviction. However However, if it was true that you loved me as I do you,... I would find a way to survive. Anything to be with you. [arrow points to margin where Dylan writes: I would enjoy life knowing that you loved me.] 99/100 chances you prob. think I'm crazy, & want to stay as far away as possible. If that's the case, then I'm very sorry for involving an innocent person in my problems, & please don't think twice. However, If you are are who I hoped for in my dreams dreams & realities realities, then do me this a favor: Leave Leave a piece of paper in my locker, [arrow to margin note reading: "Locker #837 -- combo=19-37-9 --near the library"] saying anything that comes to you. Well, I guees guess this is it-- goodbye & I love(d) you.

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6-8-98
[edited]
our Halcyon

Double cross drawn by Dylan Klebold
I LOVE [edited]!!

I love her to infinince. I look back on my awareness journey, see the parts & sections of my understanding... its almost done, yet it is never done, I love [edited], she is my soulmate, my love, all the imaginative halcyons & pure existences I have with her (to me) are almost happiness... I just wish I could call her... something blocks me from calling her my human side is putting up a wall, to prevent me from calling her, like a few of "its" truth. BS. I will overcome all fears, doubts, & zombie-based thoughts (oxymoron)... I will follow our hearts, to the halcyon, loving her. I love you [edited]

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me
8-10-98
i think I don't care

Forever, Fate, up & down spiral

1.5 human years.... so much changed in small time, my friends (at my choice) are depleting & collapsing under each other (Eric & [edited]) like i thought they would. I am ready to be w. [edited]. The ups & downs of fate are forever, good & bad, equal. me. [tri-tier cross] the lost highway, & downward spiral never end. existence is like infinity times itself. ∞ ∞ I have passed thru this much of the ever existence. this is almost a checkpoint. The zombies have set their place in my mind. for the cliff theory, Ive jumped off w. [arrow down to] [edited] & we've floated away to the halcyon. the zombies will pay for their being, their nature. I know everything, yet I know nothing. I am a true god. my infinite memories, thoughts, [Dylan Klebold's thought box] perceivations of purity come a lot more w. her, there is pure pure hapiness -- the pupo purpose of our our existence. I hate, love things. hate everything, love me & [edited]. I understand that i can never ever be a zombie, even if i wanted to. the nature of my entity.. Soon we will live in the halcyons of our minds, the one thing that made me a god. Things are so simple, now that they are infinitely complicated. HAHAHAHA

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I UNDERSTAND

THE EVERYTHING

I AM THE GOD

OF THE EVERYTHING

W. [edited]

Fate is my only master

This is prob. my last
entry. [line points to "I will never stop learning."] i love my
self, close second to
[edited], my everlasting
love. Goodbye,

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Dylan
1-20-99

This Shit

This shit again. back at writing doing just like a fucking zombie. Lately I cant change my mind from the fucking deeds of zombies. Earth, humanity, HERE. thats mostly what I think about. I hate it. I want to be free.... free... I thought it would have been time by now. the pain multiplies infinitely. never stops. (yet(¿?) im here, STILL alone, still in pain. so is she. The thing i have concluded is that fate will decide when we should be together. Decided when our existence started, it should end the same way, with us unknowing, in limbo. I love you [edited]. Always have, will. The scenarios, images, pieces of happiness still come. They always will. I love her. she loves me. i know she is tired of suffering as i am. it is time. it is time. I love her. the journey, the endless journey, started it has to end. we need to be happy to exist timely. I see her in perfection, the halcyons. love it, endless purity. i exist as a less than nothing w/o her -O.
my humanity, -O. I dont know if I should call her, or wait for f to act. Yet, calling her is a state of humanity. Im forever sorry, infinitely, about the pornos. My humanity has a foot fetish, & bondage exteme liking. i try to thwart it, sometimes to no effect, Yet the masturbation has stopped. I'm sorry [edited] Always. I feel the happiness here, thinking of her, for brief moments. Thats how i know the everything is true.

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[written beside a few hearts and the words: I LOVE YOU]
I hate this non-thinking stasis. Im stuck in humanity. maybe going "NBK" (gawd) w. eric is the way to break free. i hate this.
[heart with small Love you]

The weather is a replication of our thoughts. The happiness is possible, iminent, I love you [edited].

DK + ??
The happiness is close,
visible, ending, end of
the beginning of the
halcyons.

The humanity is blocking me again. Time to go. Hahahaha fuck all. hate this shit need to be me. We, I love her Dylan Klebold love scrawl

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The framework of society stands above & below me. The hardest thing to destroy, yet the weakest thing that exists. I know that i am different, yet i am afraid to tell the society. The possible abandonment, persecution is not something I want to face, yet it is so primitive to me. I guess being yourself means letting people know about inner thoughts too, not just opinions & fashions. (Heheh) I will be free one day, in the land of purity & my happiness, I will have a love, someone who is me in a way. Someday... Possibly thru this life, maybe another, but it will happen...

Love is more valuable than anything I know. To love is to enter a completion of one's self. I hate those who choose to destroy a love, who take it for granted. love is greater than life even. As i look for love, i feel i can't find it. ever. but something tells me i will. Someday. Somewhere. As my love will find me. She feels as i do right now, i can feel it. we will be inseperable. Her & i. Whether it is [edited] or not, i think ill find it. (my love). we will be free, to explore the vast wonders of the stars. To cascade down everlong waterfalls, & thru the warmest seas of pure happiness... no limits... no limits. Nothing will stop us.

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List of names from Dylan Klebold's journal. Names have been blacked out by investigators to protect the privacy of the people named.

[When I saw this drawing, my first thought was "h-bomb", the "h" coming from the heart theme to it. Notice the 'lost highway' sketched into the explosion as well - a running theme in Dylan's diary entries. There's also an infinity symbol that makes up the shadow of the heart-shaped mushroom cloud, which could relate to Dylan's musings about an infinite love that he feels and craves. Also, in the center of ground zero appear several question marks. In the center of the heart Dylan's drawn the tri-tier cross that appears on several other pages he wrote.]

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everyone else - "this
book cannot be opened,
some supernatural force
blocks it to common force
people"

everything sucks in

letting go

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[text surrounded by three hearts]

I know its
her... everything
is true...
my love is
genuine
Love...
existence for
ever is the
happiness
that we have
achieved
w. each other

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I now know the final
battle. the pain of
humanity is our love...
Sketch of a heart with a tri-tier cross / crude lost highway sketch inside
I love
you

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[edited] is for the [edited] joy
she gives me
[edited] is for the how she [edited]
the helpless with her beautiful
gaze
[edited] is for the [edited]
moments times she shares w. me
[edited] is for the [edited] found
love that ive been looking for
all my life
[edited] = is the [edited]
of us as a couple
[edited] = How [edited] I hope to
spend time with her
[edited]= how she is the [edited]
one i love, that i have ever loved
[edited] = [big scribble] is for
the [edited] where we can
look at the stars
[edited] = How [edited] beautiful
she is
[edited] = Her [edited] for everything
she does

[text below was written sideways in Dylan Klebold's journal]

To my Love

As a man, a conquerer does his deeds of
greatness, He thinks he is complete. Yet, the true
great person achieves happiness only when he
has met his soulmate.
Alone unknown until the first time they lay
eyes on each other. A true love is hard to come
by, yet the most fulfilling, beautiful, completing
achievement any man can have. Some have wealth,
some have power, some have great intellect, yet i feel
an infinant # of times greater than those as i
have found my true love.
V

<<-- 5 -->>

My whole existence is flawed...
You get me closer to god..... (nin)

Self-awareness.....
Infinince.....
Existence.....
Knowledge.....
Neutrality.....
Possibility of Happiness.....
Understanding of the everything..... [Drawing of a moon with three-tiered cross and stars by Dylan Klebold]
The candle burns....,
the stars set the
mood..... the
smoke fills the room.....
the hope is sent
thru infinite places...
all of purity....

[Dylan's drawing of a desk?]
NBK stands for Natural Born Killers TDS: the downward spiral

[Please don't show this note to
anyone..... it was meant only for
you. ] (Don't tell anyone either)

(You know me...) Hearts drawn by Dylan Klebold

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[scrawled over everything are the words I LOVE YOU]

[edited], I am SO
Sorry... I see i have made
you sad & fucked us up somehow.
i will try... always... i will always
love you please know this....
love
me

[sketch of the lost highway Dylan likes to draw appears under the following words]
I love
you I LOVE
YOU

[edited]
Dylan's downward spiral
Dylan's tri-tier cross

Stylized number 5

[edited],
If you dont know who I am still then I apparently haven't been noticeable enough.... please dont take offense or worry about this note... if you do know who I am, or if you want to anyway, please leave me a note in my locker saying whatever you want whether that be telling me to fuck off or else youll call the cops, or if you want to say whatever, just pleasedo me that favor... if you tell me to
leave you alone, I will.
I like you [edited], but I won't force that ever. #837
19-37-9
Dylan Klebold's initials PS (I DID try to call you but you must have been asleep)

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[Dylan's writing]
In a boring, gay, retarded classroom, there were a bunch of koolios doing some childish writing exercise for kindergardners. It was dark outside. there was a grenade lancher on the desk next-closest to the back wall, & a couple of boxes of rockets. The spacey teacher made a groaning noise, & started to throw globs of flesh at the kids. The kids turned into zombies, & started throwing too.

[Someone else's writing]
The coolios waited for the right moment. At last she turned her back, and the coolios sprang into action. Reb grabbed the grenade launcher and began firing at the hideous beast.

[Eric's writing]
Suddenly, The zombie wouldn't go down. Marine training kicked in and I dodged to the left avoiding the flesh globs as they smacked against the wall behind me. tossing a spare rocket to Vodka, he shoved it into the zombie-master's back as I, Reb, distracted her by throwing Tombstones at her. Meanwhile, the other koolios were battleing the zombified students with their newly founded right guns.

[Fourth person's writing]
All of the sudden a bright light shot out of the sky. There was a huge explosion and tons of black smoke everywhere. One of the koolios stood up to see if anyone had survived. There was nothing to see everything had disappeared & all that was left was a lonely koolio and one riot gun. Since he was so sad he shot himself


The humanity of here & now clouds all that I see. yet the me, the one, can now control the pain, & it is done. 5 more days. 5....... A very influential number, another brick in my journeyed wall. Humans are zombies, they search for acceptance & greed & kill themselves thru each other. They will never learn, or maybe they will, but wont have the stregth to learn. to be aware is not a trait, its a godlike thing, Blessed God. Not a christian, jesus, mt. sanai, Abraham, David, bible gay shit god, but a true controller of existence. Dylan Klebold's chaos symbol has to make us this way.

These moments will be lost in the depressions & caverns of the human books forever, like, tears, in, pain, but the thoughts will be eternal. To explain the happiness is impossible ever for fate. its just a pure halcyon set to last more existences than a conceivable number. stupid gay nigger humans think im "crazy". or they think im childish. hahaha. because i cant solve S sin52xss3xdx. That makes me dumb! Because i cant stay thinking in a 2nd dimension, i go to the 5th! haha. so i wait 5 more days. 5 more days. 5 eternitys. & i know he & i are concieved from ourselves & each other. every night of the self-awareness journey, every thought we concieved, we have finished the race. time to die. everything we knew, we were able to understand it, to percieve it, into what we should, everything we knew, we know & use. an understanding of the everything. An einstein stuck in an ant's body. we are the nature of existence. the zombies were a test to see if our love was genuine. we are in wait of our reward, each other. the zombies will never cause us pain anymore. the humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love

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[Top of the number 1 drawn like it's standing behind the text below]

1 One day. one is the beginning? the end. hahaha. reversed, yet true. About 26.5 hours from now the judgement will begin. Difficult, but not impossible, necessary, nervewracking & fun.

What fun is life without
a little death?

Its interesting, when im in my human form, knowing im going to die. Everything has a touch of triviality to it. like how none of this calculus shit matters. the way it shuldn't. the truth. In 26.4 hours ill be dead, & in happiness. The little zombie human fags will know their errors, & be forever suffering & mournful, HAHAHA, of course i will miss things. not really.

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Dylan Klebold
?-?-?
will

WILL

Ok, this is my will. This is a fucking human thing to do, but whatever,
[edited] - You were a badass, never failed to get me up when i was down. Thx. You get

FUCKT

27 PB's:

V -->
-->
-->
1 or 2 grens w. crickets attached
All pocket crickets
1 Charlie
3 alpha
2 beta -- in BP?
3 delta
1 fx tnt
1 echo

snapple bottles
of gas &
oil in camera
pouch

[Front and back illustration drawn by Dylan Klebold. Depicts what he planned to wear to Columbine High School on the day of the shootings.]

Notes on "F" left side (top to bottom):
camera case w napalm
pocket knives, watch
xt shells
xt bullets

Notes on "F" right side (top to bottom):
50
Lighters
crickets
& 3 other clips.

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Timeline of events that Dylan wrote shortly before the shootings at Columbine.

Walk in, set bombs at 11:09, for 11:17

Leave, set car bombs.

Drive to clemete Park. Gearup.

Get back by 11:15

Park cars. set car bombs for 11:18

get out, go to outside hill, wait.

When first bombs go off, attack.

have fun!

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BP, with...

P bombs,
napalm gas/oil bomb =) Duffel bags.

Propane bomb illustration
- blankets
surrounding
shit / books, sports shit, etc.
Had
to do

After Lunch starts - more ppl!
more cover.
Baseball glove and guy

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[Another sketch of the outfit Dylan Klebold would wear during the shootings at Columbine High.]

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DO SHIT FOR NBK
File off clip.
Buy suspenders.
Buy cargo pants
work out carrying gear plan BDay shit
Find out how to carry Tec-9
Get pouches - geologist in yer old closet.
Get napalm containers
Buy straps Figure out how to carry knife
Practice in-car gearups
Get bullets
Get shells - .00
Give Reb powder
Buy Adidas soccer bag(s)
Give Reb glass containers [Small sketch of Dylan Klebold's gearup outfit]
Fill up gascans
Find volatile combo. of gas & oil
Look for voltage amplifier, Internet or Radioshak
Buy "wrath" t-shirt
Buy punk gloves.

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Re: Columbine Bullying No Myth, Panel Told, by Howard Pankra

Postby admin » Thu May 08, 2014 9:23 pm

Search Warrant
by Kate Battan
Signed by Judge Henry E. Nieto
May 11, 1999

TO: INVESTIGATOR KATE BATTAN, an officer authorized by law and any other officer authorized to execute search warrants within the County of JEFFERSON, State of Colorado.

INVESTIGATOR KATE BATTAN, having this date filed an affidavit for a search warrant in conformity with the provisions of Rule 41, Colorado Rule of Criminal Procedure and C.R.S. 16-3-301, et seq., as amended, for the following described PROPERTY, to wit:

Any and all access records with associated time and date of access to the below accounts, User Profiles, billing records, customer statements, invoices, or other correspondence associated with the accounts of Eric Harris; Dylan Klebold; [DELETE] and [DELETE]

Any and all electronic mail, email file attachments, read, unread, saved or forwarded email, or any other type of email file associated with the accounts of Eric Harris; Dyland Klebold; [DELETE] and [DELETE]

Any and all user files, saved files, signature files, email address list files, newsgroup subscription files, or any other file currently stored by or for the use of the accounts of Eric Harris; Dylan Klebold; [DELETE]; AND [delete]

Believed to be situated IN THE COMPUTER known and described as

A Dell Poweredge Server 4200, model SME, serial #C0F8C

Upon one or more grounds set forth in Rule 41, Colorado Rules of Criminal Procedure and C.R.S. 16-3-302, as amended, namely:

Which is designed or intended for use as a means of committing a criminal offense; or

Which would be material evidence in subsequent criminal prosecution in this state or in another state; or

Other: ANY DOCUMENTS AND/OR PAPERS TENDING TO SHOW OCCUPANCY OR CONTROL OF SAID PREMISES.

I am satisfied that there is probable cause to believe that the property so described is located within the COMPUTER above described, and that the grounds for this search warrant exist.

YOU ARE THEREFORE COMMANDED to search the place above described for the property above described, and seize those items described.

YOU ARE FURTHER COMMANDED to leave a copy of the search warrant and receipt for the property taken with the person from whom or from whose premises the property is taken; or, in lieu thereof, to leave a copy of the search warrant and receipt at the place from which the property is taken.

YOU ARE FURTHER COMMANDED to make return of this search warrant and a written inventory of the property taken to the undersigned judge within ten days from date hereof.

On the basis of the information set forth in the affidavit and pursuant to C.R.S. 16-3-301, et. seq., as amended, YOU ARE AUTHORIZED to execute this search warrant in the manner set forth above, with the following special conditions, to wit: NONE.

Dated this 11 day of May, A.D. 1999, Judge Henry E. Nieto

Investigator Kate Battan, being duly sworn upon oath says:

That the foregoing offense(s) alleged was committed of this affiant's own personal knowledge, and the facts stated therein are true.

Your affiant is of lawful age and a sworn peace officer of the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office, Golden, Colorado, in the County of Jefferson.

Your affiant states that the following facts are true and based upon his/her personal knowledge, as a result of his/her conversations with the person(s) named herein and reviewing their written reports.

On April 20, 1999, at about 11:20 a.m., Jefferson County Sheriff's Office Dispatch received a call stating that there was a bomb in the area of Ken Caryl and Chatfield, County of Jefferson, State of Colorado. At the same time Dispatch received another call reporting that there was a girl "down" in the parking lot at Columbine High School. Deputy Paul Magor was dispatched at 11:16 a.m. to the bomb, and Deputies Scott Taborsky and Eric Miller were dispatched to Columbine High School, 6201 South Pierce Street, County of Jefferson, State of Colorado. Upon their arrival, Deputies Taborsky and Miller observed numerous students who were yelling and screaming as they ran out of the school. Deputies Taborsky and Miller also heard what they believed to be gunshots coming from inside the school. Deputies Taborsky and Miller were told by numerous students that people had been shot inside the school. Your affiant subsequently learned that fifteen individuals with gunshot wounds were killed inside Columbine High School, as well as about twenty-five individuals injured. Two of the dead were identified as Eric Harris, dob 040981 and Dylan Klebold, 091181.

Jefferson County Sheriff's Investigator Ralph Gallegos interviewed Alejandra Marsh, a student of Columbine High School. Marsh stated that she had been in class in Columbine High School, when she heard shooting. Marsh went to the corridor where she saw Dylan Klebold and a male known to her as "Reb." Marsh stated that both "Reb" and Dylan Klebold were wearing black pants and full length black dusters. Marsh saw that Dylan Klebold was carrying a rifle type weapon at waist height and was firing down the hall.

Your Affiant interviewed Wade Alan Frank, a student of Columbine High School, who stated that about 11:30 a.m., lunch time, he was in the parking lot of Columbine High School with Tyler Jackman, when he heard gunshots inside the school. Wade Frank saw a male wearing a long black trench coat at the top of the stairs at the entrance to Columbine High School. Wade Frank mentioned to Jackman that he thought it was [DELETE]. Jackman told Frank it was Dylan Klebold. The male in the trench coat was also wearing a black hat, possibly a baseball hat backwards or a ski mask. Wade Frank saw the male walk down the stairs, approach a male lying face down at the bottom of the stairs, and shoot a sawed off shotgun into his back. Wade Frank saw the male throw a white PVC pipe bomb, which exploded. Wade Frank saw the male walk to the top of the stairs, where there was a second male dressed the same.

Investigator Art Peterson interviewed Columbine High School student John Savage. Savage stated that during the shooting he was hiding under a table in the library. He recognized Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, both wearing black. Dylan Klebold pointed a black handgun under the table at Savage. Savage said, "What are you doing?" Dylan responded, "We're out killing people." Klebold told Savage to identify himself and Savage responded, "It's John." Savage then asked, "Are you going to kill me?" Klebold responded, "No, run, just get out of here.

Investigator Mike Heylin of the Jefferson County District Attorney's Office stated that he had been contacted by Randy and Judy Brown, parents of Brooks Brown, in early 1998. The Brown's told Investigator Heylin that Eric Harris, who attends Columbine High School with Brooks Brown, had been harassing and threatening Brooks Brown. Randy and Judy Brown told Investigator Heylin that Eric Harris belonged to a "black trench coat gang" and had a web site reference murder and killing. They provided Investigator Heylin with possible web site addresses of HTTP://members.aol.com/rebdomine/index.html or http://members.aol.com/rebdoomer/index.html.

Investigator Cheryl Zimmerman discovered a report made to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office on March 18, 1998, 985504, by Randy Brown. Randy Brown stated that Eric Harris was making death threats towards his son, Brooks Brown. Randy Brown provided ten pages of material copied from Eric Harris' web page to Deputy Mark Miller. One of the printouts reads, "Wie gehts. Well as you people out there can just kiss my ass and die. From now on, I don't give a fuck what almost any of you mutha fuckas have to say, unless I respect you which is highly unlikely, but for those of you who happen to know me and know that I respect you may peace be with you and dont be in my line of fire. for the rest of you, you all better fucking hide in your houses because im comin for EVERYONE soon, and I WILL be armed to thes fuckin teeth and I WILL shoot to kill and I WILL fucking KILL EVERYTHING! No I am not crazy, crazy is just a word, to me it has no meaning, everyone is different, but most of you fuckheads out there in soceity, going to your everyday fucking jobs and doing your everyday routine shitty things, I say fuck you and die. if you got a problem with my thoughts, come tell me and ill kill you, because ....god damnnit, DEAD PEOPLE DONT ARGUE!" Another page has an entry which states, "I will rig up explosives all over a town and detonate each one of them at will after I mow down a whole fucking area full of you snotty ass rich mother fucking high strung godlike attitude having worthless pieces of shit whores. I dont care if I live or die in the shootout, all I want to do is kill and injure as many of you pricks as I can, especially a few people Like brooks brown." Randy Brown told Deputy Miller that Eric Harris is also known as "Reb." Randy Brown stated that Harris also has an acquaintance by the name of Dylan Klebold, who is also known as "Vodka."

Investigator Ralph Gallegos interviewed Christopher Morris, who stated that he used to be part of TCM, Trench Coat Mafia. Morris told Investigator Gallegos he believed the people inside Columbine High School doing the shooting were Dylan Klebold, Eric Harris, and [DELETE]. Christopher Morris stated that Eric Harris also goes by "Reb." Morris said, two weeks ago Eric Harris had been picked on by "Jocks" at Columbine High School. Following this incident, while at Dylan Klebold's house, Harris told Christopher Morris, "Wouldn't it be nice to kill jocks." Christopher Morris said while this conversation was taking place, they were reading books about Nazi's and discussed cutting the power to the school and placing PVC bombs with screws inside at the doors of the school.

On April 27, 1999, Agent Charles E. Davis of the Colorado Bureau of Investigation, Computer Crime Investigations Unit, conducted a cursory analysis of two computer systems located in the Tech Lab of the Columbine High School. Agent Davis specifically examined these computers as a result from a lead from Terry Lawson, a student at Columbine High School. Lawson spoke with Agent Rick Griffith of the Colorado Bureau of Investigation, and stated that he (Lawson) had seen a computerized movie of students enacting a shooting. This movie was located by Agent Chuck Davis on a computer that is connected to a scanner. Agent Davis found that there is only one scanner in the Tech Lab, however, two computers are to the immediate right of the computer and the scanner is connected to both. All of the computer systems in the Tech Lab are in an open area accessible to anyone entering the Lab. Although the systems are connected to a network that requires a password for access to the main server, the local storage on each of the computers hard disk drives are open to anyone who sits down at the system. This was verified by Rich Long, an instructor at the Tech Lab at Columbine High School.

During an examination of the computer to the right of the scanner, and on the same table, Agent Davis found several computerized movies in the AVI format. These movies depicted what appears to be a movie of Dylan Klebold jumping into a car as the car sped away down a street. This computer system was seized and taken into evidence. During an examination of the computer system to the right of the scanner, but on a separate table, Agent Davis found a lengthy (in excess of 12 minutes) computerized video in which several students enacted a shooting incident at a business. A sticker on a television monitor next to this computer read "REB" and a sticker on a videotape recorder under the television monitor read "VODKA." This computer system was also seized. Agent Davis examined each system in the Tech Lab, all of which were of immediate access to anyone who entered the Tech Lab, but found no additional computerized movies.

On April 28, 1999, Agent Davis spoke with Rich Long, a teacher at Columbine High School who was in charge of the Tech Lab. Located in Long's office were four computer servers that run the network at the school. Long explained that one server was the system that contained the user files that the students had access to, using user log ins and passwords, and that each student potentially had a set of files on the server. All servers were safely shut down and secured, and the student server was seized as evidence without examination.

Based upon the aforementioned information, your affiant respectfully requests that the court issue a search warrant for the student server, located at The Colorado Bureau of Investigation, 690 Kipling Street, County of Jefferson, State of Colorado, described as:

A Dell Poweredge Server 4200, model #SME, serial #C0F8C

For the purpose of searching for the following:

Any and all access records with associated time and date of access to the below accounts, User Profiles, billing records, customer statements, invoices, or other correspondence associated with the accounts of Eric Harris; Dylan Klebold; [DELETE] and [DELETE].

Any and all electronic mail, email file attachments, read, unread, saved or forwarded email, or any other type of email file associated with the accounts of Eric Harris; Dylan Klebold; [DELETE] and [DELETE].

Your affiant further requests that this affidavit and warrants or orders resulting from this affidavit be sealed by the court to preserve the integrity of the on-going criminal investigation.

Approved: Henry E. Nieto, Judge

Sworn to before me this 11th day of May, 1999

Henry E. Nieto, Judge
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