PART 2 OF 2
So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to ...
and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research. My one year turned into six years: thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. And I kind of got a handle on it.
I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory ...
but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness --
that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness, they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy.
And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.
What do these people have in common? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were whole-hearted. These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. What's the theme? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kids ...
because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode. And so here's what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language --
it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition ...
was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people ...
if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be ...
in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.
[Barber] We not no white people. We not no black people.
We are the American people.
That's what we are, the American people.
Together we stand. Divided we fall.
The Declaration of Independence was signed in Philadelphia, July 4, 1776.
Say "Government by the people, for the people, of the people."
Liberty, justice for man --
I'm speaking history -- For all mankind.
Didn't say, "Black over here.
White over here."
The American people.
[Man] How about world people?
[Barber] The world. American people. We are the American people.
I'm for the people of the whole entire world.
All the people of the whole entire world.
But we are Americans.
We ain't no Jews. We ain't no Africans.
We ain't black people. We ain't no white people.
We the American people.
And I like that. Do you know I like America?
Do you know I'm very pleased with that?
That's a very nice, beautiful country to live in.
[Man 2] Oh, boss.
What you say about my -- What you say about my --
[Barber] That's three mans I'm gettin' here while you're gettin' the pictures.
[Man with haircut] Thanks a lot.
[Barber] Thank you.
May God bless you.
[Man 2] [To Les Blank] Don't take mine. I'm looking too bad.
I'm too ugly, if you don't mind.
I'm looking too ugly.
[Barber] Don't take mine either.
[Man 1] Oh, man, you can take me anytime you want, mister.
I'm glad, you know.
[Barber] I'm glad.
[Man 1] You talkin' about, "You too ugly." You born ugly.
[Barber] I was born ugly myself.
[Man 2] [Indistinct]
[Man 1] You got old now.
[Man 2] [Indistinct]
[Man 1] Let it be like it is.
[Man 2] Like it is?
[Man 1] What God wants for you and intend to be.
[Barber] I tell you one thing --
[Man 2] That's what he said.
[Barber] I tell you -- I tell you one thing. When I was younger than I am, I was pretty.
[Man 1] Yeah.
[Man 1] Yeah, but when old age go stealing on, then look here --
When old age go to steal on, it makes a devil, you understand me.
Whatever you is, be that!
[Barber] Everything is ...
[Man 1] Yeah, that's right. If you're old and ugly, be old and ugly.
[Man 4] Be old and ugly.
[Man 1] That's right. Don't try and make yourself pretty 'cause you done got old now.
Be like you is, that's right!
[Man] Be your own. There's nothing like honest.
Anything that come up ...
you know where to go because you know how you stand.
But if you try to be somebody else, that don't work.
That's good this minute.
Ten, 15 minutes later, somebody will come ask you this thing that ...
you done forgot about what you was trying to do like this other.
But there's nothing like your own.
That's the way I feel.
And that's the way I live.
Everything I do, I do it like I think I should do, my own.
The way I feel it. There's nothing like your self.
The way I feel it. There's nothing like your self.
[Man 1] You should talk and be like you should be with people.
People is people, right?
[Man 2] Everywhere you go.
[Man 1] Yeah, you're right.
[Man 2] That's for sure.
[Man 1] That's what I'm trying to tell you.
That's what's happening, you know. That's the real thing.
[Man 2] That's what's gonna happen. That's gonna be happening.
[Man 1] That's the real chocolate flavor.
[Clifton Chenier] Let me tell you, if you gonna be something, be something.
And if you gonna be nothing, be nothing.
-- Hot Pepper, directed by Les Blank, starring Clifton Chenier
The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability.
They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.
They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.
I personally thought it was betrayal.
I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena, for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting.
This led to a little breakdown --
(Laughter) -- which actually looked more like this.
(Laughter) And it did.
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. (Laughter) A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist." (Laughter) I was like ...
"What does that mean?" And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.
Don't bring your measuring stick." (Laughter) I was like, "Okay." So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her -- Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?"
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good. (Laughter) And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff ...
no childhood shit." (Laughter)
"I just need some strategies."
(Laughter) (Applause) Thank you. So she goes like this. (Laughter) And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." (Laughter) "It just is what it is."
And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. (Laughter)
For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.
And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what are we doing ...
with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No. So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability, when we're waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there: having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people. This is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.
And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause --
We are the most in-debt ...
addicted and medicated ...
adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --
that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. (Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter.
I hack into your lives for a living.
God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do ...
is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up. That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame
. You know how blame is described in the research?
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work.
Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. (Laughter) Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."
And we perfect, most dangerously ...
our children. Let me tell you what we think about children.
They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh." That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle ...
but you are worthy of love and belonging." That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today.We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people
. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, a recall -- we pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.
We just need you to be authentic and real ...
and say, "We're sorry. We'll fix it."
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found:
to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen;
to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --
to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful ...
because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."
And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening. We're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
That's all I have. Thank you.