Jun 29, 2022
Jimmy Kimmel Live
[Chelsea Handler] Back to women I despise: Congress Monster Lauren Boebert of Colorado won her primary last night. I believe Boebert is one of the biggest Maga morons ever elected to public office, and it's because of comments like this:"The church is supposed to direct the government. The government is not supposed to direct the church. That is not how our founding fathers intended it. And I'm tired of this separation of church and state junk. It's not in the Constitution, it was in a stinking letter. And it means nothing like what they say it does."
Okay, well let's think about that, you dumb bitch. Because I tend to be skeptical about getting Constitutional law advice from a human tramp stamp. They frequently tend to skip right to the Second Amendment. And if you bothered to read the First Amendment, the very first words are:"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion."
So it seems pretty clear that the government wants nothing to do with religion.
Secondly, if you're so keen on what the founding fathers thought, one thing they definitely thought is that women should shut the fuck up in public. And not vote. And not be elected to Congress. Your buddy, Thomas Jefferson, wrote,"Governments are instituted among men."
So unless you have a dick, the founding fathers don't care what you have to say. But Lauren, I don't think you do have a dick, do you? I know your husband does, because he allegedly showed it to some young ladies in a bowling alley, just like Jesus told him to. And let's all take a moment to remember that the founding fathers were a bunch of toothless dudes who took shidoobies [poop, shit, doodie, massive dump, poo; usually the result of eating Mexican food or dairy products] in their backyard, thought that their wives were property, and wanted to protect guns that fired marbles and took 11 minutes to reload. And since we're paraphrasing Jefferson's letters, he said:"Nothing is so disgusting as a woman who isn't clean."
Google it. And while you're there, google "Lauren Boebert diarrhea," and you will learn that this dumbass owned a restaurant that served uncooked pork sliders at a rodeo which gave dozens of people diarrhea. That's how Lauren forces people to pray. They cry out, "Please God, stop me from making explosive diarrhea poo poo in this rodeo porta potty.
Guest host Chelsea Handler talks about her chemistry with Guillermo, new text messages revealing that Melania Trump said no to tweeting about the attacks on Capitol, Clarence Thomas’ wife Virginia Thomas refusing to testify in front of the House Select Committee about her role on January 6th, Andrew Giuliani losing the Republican primary for New York Governor, R Kelly getting hit with a 30 year prison term for racketeering and sex trafficking, Congressmonster Lauren Boebert being one of the biggest MAGA Morons ever, and Guillermo sits down with the cast of Thor: Love and Thunder to play his version of spin the bottle but with Thor’s hammer.
Transcript
And now,
Chelsea Handler.
[Applause]
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Welcome to Jimmy Kimmel live. I am your
guest host, Chelsea Handler.
Jimmy is taking the summer off because
men are weak.
This is my third night hosting, and it
has been a lot of fun. On Monday
we talked about Roe v Wade. Last night I
covered the January 6th hearings and
Jeffrey Epstein. What should we do
tonight?
Who do you like better, Israel or
Palestine?
I like Mexico.
I also like Mexico. Yeah, it's the best. Do
you know that a lot of the comments
online are saying that you and I have
really good chemistry? Do you agree with
that? Yeah, I agree with, like cereal milk.
We like.
Yes, we're good.
Yeah, good team. Thank you. Go to, go team!
Yeah.
Well ,yesterday's news was all about
Donald Trump's totally psychotic
behavior on the day of the insurrection
We also got a glimpse at Melania's
awfulness. Her former chief of staff,
Stephanie Grisham tweeted a screen grab
of an exchange they had during the
attack on the capitol. So she texted to
Melania, "Do you want to tweet that
peaceful protests are the right of every
American, but there is no place for
lawlessness and violence?" And Melania
wrote back,
"no".
[Laughter]
Although this should come as no surprise
when you consider all of the terrible
things Melania has said yes to over the
years.
She said yes to visiting an immigrant
and child detention center wearing a
jacket that said "I really don't care, do
you?"
She said yes to plagiarizing Michelle
Obama's convention speech.
She said yes to the most idiotic slogan
in first lady history "be best."
She said yes to questioning the
legitimacy of Obama's birth certificate.
And worst of all, she said yes to a
proposal from Donald Trump.
Which is basically opting to go to a
gold-plated prison, and become a
stepmother to the four vampire children
Donald Trump calls his children.
Speaking of women I despise, let's talk
about Virginia Thomas, wife of Clarence
Thomas.
She's the worst.
And I don't want you to think that I
enjoy bashing women. I only despise women
who fall into one of three categories:
(1) they hate other women, (2) they're married to
a man who hates women, (3)
or they're a racist whose cover is being
married to a black person.
Virginia Thomas is all three.
She's refusing to testify before the
house select committee about her role on
January 6th. She sees no reason to
testify, when all she did was help lay
the groundwork for the riot, talk to
everyone involved in planning the riot,
and then attend the rally that led to
the riot.
It's like, can she really just not go
testify? How fucked up is it that? Virginia
Thomas is the only woman in America who
still has the right to choose?
Also,
Ginny or Virginia or whatever your name is,
I want to go with ragina, okay?
Ragina's lawyer sent a letter to the
committee that ended with this little
gem, "I am left to believe if her name
were Jenny Jones, the committee would
never entertain speaking with her. Yeah,
no shit, sherlock.
If her name were Jenny Jones, she'd just
be another whack job. But it's not Jenny
Jones, and that's the problem. She was
texting conspiracy theories about the
election to the white house chief of
staff, and is married to a U.S. supreme
court justice, the only justice, by the
way, who voted against Donald Trump
handing over documents related to
January 6.
Meanwhile, in New York Andrew Giuliani, my
half baby, lost
in the republican primary for governor
last night. "We're asking every New Yorker
for their vote. At this point, we've got
three hours to go until the polls close.
Vote for Andrew Giuliani. Come on out, and
do it. Run through the tape. I love where
everything is sitting right now, but
every single vote matters. So come on out
and vote. Thank you."
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Andrew, honey, I hope you know that you
lost not because of your swollen bee
sting head, or
because you've got a smile like a
jack-o-lantern,
or because you have zero qualifications,
you lost because your last name is now
toxic, because your dad had one week
after 9/11 when he was considered a hero,
but then he blew it when he went nuts.
There are so many questions left
unanswered. Would Andrew have lost if his
dad didn't try to overthrow democracy
from a landscaping store? Or sweat gravy
during a press conference?
We'll never know.
My baby is having a very tough week. On
Sunday, Rudy claimed he was attacked at a
grocery store in Staten Island, and today
the Mayor of New York is calling for an
investigation into whether or not Rudy
filed a false police report. Not only is
Rudy playing up the phantom assault, he's
also using the story to brag about his
physical prowess. "It was a very, very
heavy shot. Now I'm 78 years old.
I'm in pretty good shape for a 78 year old.
Not every 78 year old is in as good a
shape as me."
You're not in good shape, I'm in good
shape.
And Mick Jagger is in good shape, okay?
You look like a baked potato who got his
ass kicked right before they popped you
in an easy bake.
You know who else is in bad shape right
now? R Kelly.
Today R Kelly got hit with a 30-year
prison term for racketeering and sex
trafficking. When he heard -- yeah we can
clap for that --
when he heard he was sentenced to 30
years, R Kelly asked if the judge would
consider a younger sentence.
Back to women I despise: Congress Monster
Lauren Boebert of Colorado won her
primary last night. I believe Boebert is
one of the biggest maga morons ever
elected to public office, and it's
because of comments like this.
"The church is supposed to direct the
government. The government is not
supposed to direct the church. That is
not how our founding fathers intended it.
And I'm tired of this separation of
church and state junk. It's not in the
constitution, it was in a stinking letter.
And it means nothing like what they say
it does."
Okay, well let's think about that, you
dumb bitch.
Because I tend to be skeptical about
getting constitutional law advice from a
human tramp stamp.
They frequently tend to skip right to
the second amendment. And if you bothered
to read the first amendment, the very
first words are "Congress shall make no
law respecting an establishment of
religion." So it seems pretty clear that
the government wants nothing to do with
religion. Secondly, if you're so keen on
what the founding fathers thought, one
thing they definitely thought is that
women should shut the fuck up in public.
And not vote. And not be elected to
congress. Your buddy, Thomas Jefferson,
wrote, "governments are instituted among
men." So unless you have a dick,
the founding fathers don't care what you
have to say.
But Lauren, I don't think you do have a dick,
do you? I know your husband does, because
he allegedly showed it to some young
ladies in a bowling alley, just like
Jesus told him to.
And let's all take a moment to remember
that the founding fathers were a bunch
of toothless dudes who took shidoobies [poop, shit, doodie, massive dump, poo; usually the result of eating Mexican food or dairy products]
in their backyard,
thought that their wives were property,
and wanted to protect guns that fired
marbles and took 11 minutes to reload.
And since we're paraphrasing Jefferson's
letters, he said "Nothing is so disgusting
as a woman who isn't clean." Google it.
And while you're there, google "Lauren
Boebert diarrhea,"
and you will learn that this dumbass
owned a restaurant that served uncooked
pork sliders at a rodeo which gave
dozens of people diarrhea.
That's how Lauren forces people to pray.
They cry out, "Please God, stop me from
making explosive diarrhea poo poo in
this rodeo porta potty.
[Applause]