by Matthew Inman of the Oatmeal
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Yes, I am the motherfucking pterodactyl here to ptero-you a new asshole. Yes, it's true. I once ate ten thousand lightning bugs, kissing my bowels like a million hugs. So I shat them out one phosphorescent night, painting it like Christmas lights. Yes, I do put the T-Rex to shame, his pussy arms on his pussy frame. He gets credit for being on top, but really, I'm runnin' this food chain. Yes, I will run for President. I'll win, too, and veto every bill, and if you try to stop me, I'll fuckin kill, kill, kill. Yes, it's true, I once hooked up with a grizzly bear. We made love under the sea, in outer space, everywhere. Yes, that bear gave birth to a motherfuckin' bear-o-dactyl, who just might ptero-you a new asshole. So beware, motherfuckers, beware. Yes, I look great flying around naked, my succulent torso an aerial surprise. Just don't stare at my ptero-balls, or I'll shoot laser pee in your eyes. Yes, I am the motherfucking pterodactyl here to ptero-you a new asshole. Remember me, remember my song, remember my tire iron, and my enchanting thong. Because if you see me flying murderous and free, you best run fast, bitch ... or my swoopin' shadow will be the last thing you see. The end.