Inman on Shit, by Matthew Inman of The Oatmeal

Inman on Shit, by Matthew Inman of The Oatmeal

Postby admin » Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:05 am

Inman on Shit,
by Matthew Inman
theoatmeal.com

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Eat at Matt’s Shit Fo’ Brains
By: Tara Carreon

Excreta — I had never spent much time thinking about it until I started digging into Matt Inman’s website, and realized that he, a very smart guy indeed (in a bad way), is really into it! It’s everywhere, and in great variety. This explains the uniformity of the mental content of people who are big Inman fans. I examined the outpourings of Paul Levy of Public Citizen Litigation Group, Ken White of Popehat, Ann Bransom, a Popehat acolyte, Nate Anderson of Ars Technica, Joe Donatelli, flamous all by himself, Corynne McSherry of EFF, and Christopher Recouvreur.

There's no difference among them, because Matt is pumping pure 100% shit through every one of them. In fact, if you can face the awful truth, you can just back up a truck to his place, and haul it away by the dumpster load. But shit-eaters have their brand loyalties. Most people like to eat shit that comes out of a nice, familiar face, so that’s why you can pay a lot, a little, or just eat free at Matt’s Shit Fo’ Brains! You might as well just eat Recouvreur’s free logs, because the nutritional content is no different than Levy’s Poop Platter. It’s all a matter of preparation and texture. While Corynne McSherry’s Fart Tart is indeed as light as air, it will stay with you for a long time. And even though Nate Anderson’s Crap Bisque at first seems pedestrian and devoid of all true coprophiliac panache, eventually you realize that this is true of all the food at Matt’s Shit Fo’ Brains. It’s just crap, any way you slice it.

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Eat at Matt [Inman's] Shit Fo’ Brains, by Tara Carreon

Menu:
[Public] Citizen [Paul] Levy’s Poop Platter ………. $79.99
Popecrap in Ken [Paul] White Sauce ……………… $49.99
Ann Bransom Diarrhea Souffle ……………………. $19.99
Nate Anderson’s Crap Bisque …………………….. $29.99
Joe Donatelli’s Anal Trifle ……………………,…… $ 3.99
Corynne McSherry’s Fart Tart ……………………… $16.99
Chris Recouvreur’s Big Logs ………………………. $ Free

100% PURE SHIT
TECHDIRT FREE DELIVERY

“God Loves a Hypocrite,” by Charles Carreon

When you look on this world
Filled with sadness and grief
You might think that death
Is your only relief
But if you could just learn
To lie through your teeth
You wouldn’t have to eat hamburger,
You’d dine on prime beef
Instead of smokin’ shake,
You’d be tokin’ fine spleef

Cause God loves a hypocrite
Sure as you’re born
And a lie’s the best shelter
From blame and scorn
The truth’s just plain trouble,
But don’t look so forlorn,
Just start spewin’ bullshit
You’ll find shelter from the storm

Some people are blessed
With a flexible tongue
That they occupy
With spreading cowdung
Whether lobbyists, lawyers,
Judges or thieves,
They make a fine dollar
From social disease
They all stand around
And share pats on the back
So glad to be one
Of such a fine bunch of chaps

Cause God loves a hypocrite
Sure as you’re born
And a lie’s the best shelter
From blame and scorn
The truth’s just plain trouble,
But don’t look so forlorn,
Just start spewin’ bullshit
You’ll find shelter from the storm

Some think that lying
Won’t take you that far,
But to get someplace these days
You don’t drive a car
You fire up a printing press
And co-opt TV,
Rig polls and elections
Pay folks to deceive –
When the votes are all counted
What a surprise!
The one who wins
Is the one who lies.

Cause God loves a hypocrite
Sure as you’re born
And a lie’s the best shelter
From blame and scorn
The truth’s just plain trouble,
But don’t look so forlorn,
Just start spewin’ bullshit
You’ll find shelter from the storm


Whenever there is any court action stemming from comic books the question of what is in comic books does not come up at all. The industry relies then on the constitutional guarantee of free speech. It draws people's attention away from the real issue and veils the business in an idealistic haze. The framers of the Constitution and its amendments would certainly be surprised if they knew that these guarantees are used to sell to children stories with pictures in which men prowl the streets and dismember beautiful girls. The industry regards selling books to children as its prerogative, that is to say as a right to be exercised without external control. To use constitutional rights against progressive legislation is of course an old story. Theodore Roosevelt encountered it when he campaigned for pure food laws.

In these assertions of freedom in the case of comic books, just the opposite is concealed. "We are allowing ourselves," said Virgilia Peterson, "in the name of free speech (oh, fatal misuse of a high principle) to be bamboozled into buying or letting our children buy the worst propaganda on the market. It is a tyranny by a handful of unscrupulous people. It is as much a tyranny as any other on the face of the earth."...

It is a widely held fallacy that civil liberties are endangered or could be curtailed via children's books. But freedom to publish crime comics has nothing to do with civil liberties. It is a perversion of the very idea of civil liberties. It has been said that if comic books for children were censored on account of their violence "you couldn't have a picture of Lincoln's assassination in a textbook." Would that be such a calamity? There are many other pictures of Lincoln's time and life that would be far more instructive. But the whole inference is wrong, in any case. A picture of Lincoln's assassination would be incidental to a book expounding larger themes. In crime comic books, murder, violence and rape are the theme....

When closely scrutinized, the objections to some form of control of comic books turn out to be what are psychologically called rationalizations. They rationalize the desire to leave everything as it is. The very newspaper, the New York Herald Tribune, which pioneered in comic-book critique, said editorially later: "Censorship cannot be set up in this one field without undermining essential safeguards in other fields." The example of Canada alone, and of Sweden and other countries, has shown how spurious this argument is. A committee set up by comic-book publishers stated at their first meeting that censorship is an "illegal method." That certainly confuses things. An editorial in the New York Times entitled "Comic Book Censorship" says on the one hand: "We think the comic books have, on the whole, had an injurious effect on children and in various ways"; but goes on to say: "Public opinion will succeed in making the reforms needed. To wait for that to happen is far less dangerous than to abridge freedom of the right to publish." How long are we supposed to wait? We have now waited for over a decade -- and right now there are more and worse crime comic books than ever before. And would the forbidding of mad killers and rapers and torturers for children abridge the freedom of the Times to publish anything it wants to? Why should a newspaper that stands for the principle of publishing what is "fit to print" make itself the champion of those who publish what is unfit to print? ...

A century ago boys and girls of five and up had to work as chimney sweepers. They got skin diseases from the soot. The proposal was made that the practice of sending children up chimneys be stopped. You can well imagine what their employers would have answered if they had had the benefit of the type of experts the comic-book industry has now. They would have said that only those children who are predisposed get skin diseases, that it is the children's fault if they want to satisfy their need of motility by going up chimneys, that children who don't go up chimneys get skin diseases, too, and besides what better outlet for aggressive instincts is there than to climb up chimneys and do battle with soot? There being no such experts then, the Earl of Lauderdale stated that if something were done for the children by law through an Act of Parliament, private initiative for being benevolent and helping children would be affected and would disappear. And the Religious Tract Society joined in the anti-reform movement and urged these stunted and sick children to wash well on Saturdays, attend Sunday School and read the Bible: "Thus you will be happy little sweeps." It took the British Parliament ninety years to control this legally....

Whenever you hear a public discussion of comic books, you will hear sooner or later an advocate of the industry say with a triumphant smile, "Comic books are here to stay." I do not believe it. Someday parents will realize that comic books are not a necessary evil "which, but their children's end, naught can remove." I am convinced that in some way or other the democratic process will assert itself and crime comic books will go, and with them all they stand for and all that sustains them. But before they can tackle Superman, Dr. Payn, and all their myriad incarnations, people will have to learn that it is a distorted idea to think that democracy means giving good and evil an equal chance at expression. We must learn that freedom is not something that one can have, but is something that one must do.

-- Seduction of the Innocent, by Fredric Wertham, M.D.


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[Brontosaurus] Hi, I'm a Brontosaurus. I'm big as fuck and I take dumps the size of Volkswagens, but eventually I'll stop getting bigger.

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[Man] I've seen him eat his own poop

throw it up

eat the vomit

poop that out

and then try to eat the poop again.

(I call this whole process the one-man Human Centipede)

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Fresh Input Flows In and Out, and There is Always CHANGE.

POOOOOOP THRRPTT!

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How I See My FriendBeast
by The Dog

Latin name: Homo sapiens

Common name: FriendBeast

Primary Occupation: Opening and closing doors so I can go poop

Secondary occupation: Staring at computer screens until I need to go out and poop again

When excited, jump up and head-butt the FriendBeast in the skull. Minor concussions = love.

His nose is for decorative purposes only; it can't actually smell anything, so don't be shy about ripping massive farts in his presence.

The Friendbeast appears to be harvesting my poop into bags. This reaffirms my belief that all poop is precious and must be closely examined.

The FriendBeast speaks mostly gibberish. You must listen carefully to decipher his two word vocabulary: "Blookityslorkblapblahboop TREATS blerksplapboobfdsblargloo POTTY OUTSIDE blergityboopthptblehgrmpf"

You can telepathically communicate with the FriendBeast by sniffing his crotch or using it as a headrest. If the eyes are the gateway to the soul, the crotch is the slip n' slide to the heart.

Salt-flavored meatpoles. Lick vigorously.

The FriendBeast likes to marinate these chew toys in foot-stink all day so they are tasty and ripe by evening.

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And they all crapped in the same box

A box my parents made me clean

every day

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[Horse] THIRPT!

[Dog] ROLL ROLL ROLL

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Captain Higgins' childhood is spent in a juicy pile of cow dung where he hangs out and waits for a snail to come by for a little poopy snack."

[Captain Higgins] Hey you, come eat a little more to the right. The poop on this side is much tastier. Yesssssss, a little closer, you imbecile.

[Snail] Ah haha! That's it! Eat me you fool!

Host #1: Once the snail eats the dung, the Captain winds up inside his gut. From there he drills into the snail's digestive tract where he grows to be a teenager.

POETRY FOR PARASITES

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WHEN YOU EAT THEIR FECES IT PROLONGS YOUR LIFE

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Before I met you, my heart was sadder than a poop taco.

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What your life will really be like after having kids

[Father] I haven't slept in three fucking years.

[Baby 1] WAA WAAAA! BLOOOORRRRRRCH!!!

[Baby 2] WAAAAA! THRRPPPPPTT!

Congrats on the new baby!

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[Baby] THRRPPPPPPTT!!

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Create a sing-along video explaining how to properly load a dishwasher.

Paint a portrait of George Washington defeating Skynet while riding atop a bald eagle.

Write a post explaining why the sun and the moon appear to be the same size in the sky. (The sun is 400x times bigger than the moon, but it's also 400x further away from the earth, which makes the two bodies appear to be the same size. COMPELLING, YES?

Write an epic love story involving CAGE-FIGHTING NUNS and TANKS!

If I saw any of these things on the Internet, I would click the like button so hard Facebook's servers would poop their pants.

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[Clerk] And look! Food from this other restaurant comes in the same red bag you know and love! Yayyyy a plastic bag! Weeeee!

[Customer] "Seriously, I'm about as attached to that bag as I am to your food AFTER it comes out of my butt."

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[Baby] POOOOOOOOOP! THRRPTT!

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The Miserable Truth About Santa Claus

Never shaves

Used to ride around on a giant, fire-breathing maggot, but marketing dept. said reindeer would appeal more to kids

Defecates in stockings of naughty children

If the elves are disobedient, they get a week in the hole

Can't even do one pushup

Battling obesity

While riding in his sleigh, will often bite the heads off pigeons to absorb their strength

Uses the excess blood to dye his clothes

Mrs. Claus divorced him because he gets drunk and wets the bed

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Holy ShitPoops!

You forgot to include YOURSELF in this INCREDIBLE photo. Be sure to snag some poor waiter and start again at step #1 so you too can be a part of the magic!

[Man] Hey, can you take a photo of us? It'll just take a second. Here's four cell phones."

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Con: More Reality

[Girl] Sorry I was in there so long. It's all yours.

[Man] Oh no proble -- JESUS! It smells like someone cooked dog shit and mustard gas in here! MY SEXY PERFECT BUTTERFLY DEFECATES JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

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Hector Salamanca

Weapon of choice:

DING DING DINGODINGODINGODING

Throwing Tuco's delicious home-cooked mexican food on the floor

Shitting his pants.

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Tuco Salamanca

Weapon of choice:

Crystal meth, assault rifles, and pure, unfiltered sociopathy

Making everyone in the room shit themselves out of fear.

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Toilet of shame located above the screen. (Discourages people from getting up to use the bathroom during the film.)

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[Man] Hey, it says right here that spotted skunks do an adorable little handstand before they spray. After that they fire a horrible liquid out of their anus, aiming for the eyes in order to cause temporary blindness and vomiting.

[Girl] Most Epic Butthole Attack Ever.

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[Santa Claus] I eat reindeer poop.

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"Holy shit" -- S. Alvaro M

[Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle the doorknob]

[Pope] Someone's in here ... I SAID SOMEBODY IS IN HERE! JESUS-ROLLERBLADING-CHRIST. WAIT ONE GODDAMN MINUTE!

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Polar bears can grow to be over 10 feet tall (31 meters) and weigh 1500 lbs (680 kg). That's taller than an elephant and about half the weight of a compact car.

[Man on motorcycle] Hey Bill, check out my new vespa! It's just as dangerous as a motorcycle, but instead of looking cool while I ride it I look like I gave my testicles their own little minivan!

[Bill] Oh yeah! Check out my ride: it takes dumps the size of your kids!

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Running Out of TP at Someone Else's House

HAPPY NEW YEAR

[Man] Hello dear friends! I recently defecated and some of it is still stuck to my poo-launcher. If you could grab some TP from another bathroom that would be A+

No matter how you word an explanation, you're basically announching to everyone that you've got shit on your ass. There is no honor in this. Only shame.

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The Too Comfortable Phase

[Blob 1] haha I just went #2.

[Blob 2] lol it's ok i am too fat to move

frrp slosh!

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[Player 1] Dear night sky, I will jump unto thee and touch your magical cloud testicles

[Player 2] Oh God please let me touch them

[Player 3] Haha, best practical joke ever

[Player 4] OK, when I hit a homer, you keep the bucket still and I'll take a massive dump in it! Then we pour it on the coach instead of gatorade!

[Skier] OOPS! Hit a pocket of babies!

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[Tennis Player] THRBBT! I ate too much meat sammich and meatstick! Imma unload rocketball shits k?

[Football Player 1] I can't stop thinking about you. Let's squish our nipples together.

[Football Player 2] I love you so much. I'll even stuff this rare grey owl in my butt to prove it.

[Jogger 1] Let's play "Chase the Black Dude!"

[Jogger 2] I love playing "Chase the Black Dude!"

[Black Dude] LOL. Leave me alone you racist fucks.

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The Filterless

They'll post updates about everything, even when it's something you'd never, ever want to know.

[Man] Hey everybody, I just took a dump and it's shaped like a mountain lion!

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The Ancient Babylonians Were the First to Brew

In fact, they took their beer so seriously, if you brewed a bad batch your punishment was to be drowned in it.

CAMEL BEER: Made from 100% camel poop. High Fiber! OK taste!

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The Final Step

If you've read this far, hold out your right arm and move it over your left shoulder. Once you are able to touch, give yourself a nice pat on the back because ...

Congratulations!

You know How to Ride a Pony!

A pony is the only creature on earth which can shit out a rainbow.

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[The Mother-Fucking Pterodactyl] Yes, it's true, I once ate ten thousand lightning bugs kissing my bowels like a million hugs.

So I shat them out one phosphorescent night, painting it like Christmas lights.

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6. Potty training a cracked out tyrannosaur is extremely hard.

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Santa's getting ready for Christmas!

Let's hope you weren't naughty.

THRBTTTT!"

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Ink Colors

Aside from getting gouged by ink cartridges that cost more than printers themselves, what's really aggravating is when your printer refuses to work unless all the colors are fully stocked.

Error

Unable to print

SomeBlackAndWhiteDocument.doc

Because your printer is currently out of Cyan

This error message = Giant load of crap.
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