by Matt Inman of The Oatmeal
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How everything goes to hell during a zombie apocalypse. It all starts with some a-hole scientist, doing shit he shouldn't be doing. [Scientist] I know! Let's mix rabies with this old meatloaf and feed it to the gorilla! Naturally, the gorilla becomes infected. So instead of say, locking the gorilla up in quarantine, he does something retarded like trying to teach it how to do math. [Scientist] I believe in your potential, Coco. Once bitten, the scientist ignores his symptoms for as long as possible. [Scientist] I'm crying blood and I have an uncontrollable urge to eat my children. I must need some tylenol. To the hospital we go! Yayyyy! Where a zombie is born once again, quarantine is out of the question. Instead, the doctor gets within make-out range of the zombie to examine him. [Doctor] Now hold still. If you're a good patient, I'll let you take a sucker from the bowl on your way out! Now say Ahhh. [Zombie] Aggghhh Graaaaghhh Aggg! [Doctor] Atta boy!
You can imagine what happens next. Mister fancy-ass doctor gets mauled. He then runs around the hospital biting, gnawing, and throwing up blood on his patients. (like the asshole that he is). Shortly thereafter, the infection spreads. Way to go, dumbasses! More mistakes are made. Rather than staying at home with a shotgun pointed at the door, everyone goes outside to make sure their loved ones are safe. If you find a loved one, the wrong thing to do: [Man] Barbara, I still love you -- and nothing is more powerful than love. After I met you, my life was changed forev- Oh God, Barbara, no! The right thing to do: [Man] I always hated "date night" LOL.
People start flocking to a supposed "safe zone" Bahahahaha. (this is what zombies would say to that if they knew how to talk). Their trip does not end well. They get turned into human hamburger meat.
Pretty soon the world is incapacitated. [Daily Times Extra! Extra!] You're all fucked. DOH! The survivors seek refuge (and do a really crappy job at it) [Survivor] Let's hide in the one on the left. It's got a ball pit! Once inside, they squabble, fight and bicker over who gets to be mayor of "We're all fucking screwed ville". [Survivor] I'm in charge here! [Survivor 2] No, I am! You're too fat to run, dickbag!
Meanwhile, the zombies push through their crappy barricade and eat them like the retarded little bitches that they are. He had this coming.
Official Score: Zombies: 1; Humans: Fuckall.