charles-carreon.com, by Christopher Recouvreur

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Donna Barstow
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 3, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/03/donna-barstow/

I have read that you are having troubles with people reposting your content to their site and making fun of it. As I am a Internet Lawyer, I know very well how frustrating the people of the internet can be. It must be even more frustrating that they might be gays, African Americans, Muslims, or Mexicans. I believe I can help. For the retainer fee of 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex, I will send these awful minorities a cease and desist demanding that they relinquish their domain name to you, remove all your stolen content from all internet sites ever, and pay $20,000 for defamation. I litigated the sex.com case and won, so you are in excellent and professional hands. Also if you would like we could trademark your name so that anyone who uses it would have to pay you licensing fees or you could just sue them if your disagreed with what they had to say.

Another avenue I am very skilled at is managing client’s trust funds. We could set up a trust so that any litigation taken against you would not be able to dip into said fund. I would expertly manage it and you could feel safe your were in good hands. Please feel free to call me any time at: 900-CAR-REON [$4.99/minute] and remember, when the internet gets you down, Keep Calm and Call Carreon.

Warm Regards,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Wait a second here…
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 3, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/03/w ... cond-here/

WHO DO PAUL LEVY AND CATHY GELLIS THINK THEY ARE? Here is how the legal system works folks.

1.I send cease and desist letters quoting random laws, demand dinosaurs.

2.You either A) Hand over dinosaurs and cease and desist or B) move to step 3

3.I then threaten you with anything that sounds really scary. I prefer ultra villainous 10 point plans when I’m really feeling frisky.

4.You either A) Hand over dinosaurs and cease and desist or B) move to step 5

5.I sue you and take said dinosaurs by legal force.

6.You cry.

Where in the 6 step legal plan cited in every law book Tara’s ever written, do you sue me? Answer: NO WHERE! You can’t sue me for wanting to sue you, that’s some sort of time paradox, like when Marty McFly’s mom had a crush on him in the past. It’s wrong, it’s dirty, it shouldn’t happen. Not only do they sue me, but they infringe my trademark in the very filing by using my name?! This is unacceptable, preposterous, and maniacal. These Illuminati will stop at nothing.

Nothing is sacred. I specifically told Paul to forward my letter to Ralph Nader, not send it back to me attached to a declaratory filing! Can he not read? I ASKED FOR RALPH NADER NOT LAWSUITS!

Okay so I’ve tried to count how many times these people have used my name, and I ran out of fingers, toes, and broken crayons, so let us assume that they owe me the following.

1.Citizen Public will point it’s domain at this blog.

2.Cathy Gellis will point her domain at this blog.

3.Kenneth P. White will point Pope Hat at this blog.

4.I will take under my charitable trust, 300 living Tyrannosaurus Rexes, or 900 T-Rex eggs.

5.Paul Alan Levy will forward all of Tara’s writings to Ralph Nader.

If my demands are not met, I will make further youtube videos, force feed red bull to cats and release them in your parked cars, and sue you for suing me.

Battle Warrior Armored,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Be Heard Part 1
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 3, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/03/b ... xclude=445

An anonymous reader sent me this. The fact that they have to worry about sharing their opinion upsets me. If you are causing people to think twice about expressing themselves, good chances are, you are now a censor. I guess that’s what happens when you threaten to name 100 Does in a lawsuit. You make anyone who talked about you wonder “Am I next?”

Honestly, I’ve been willing to give Mr. Carreon the benefit of the doubt. Despite all appearances he may truly believe he is right in all of this. Possibly this is the result of his otherwise noble intentions corrupted for reason I cannot fathom. I could imagine he is lonely. I could imagine he is confused by the legions of friends and acquaintances that have shunned him publicly. I start to pity him.

But, just as I am starting to wonder how hollow his world is, I feel fear. I have been reading and commenting on various blogs during this ordeal. I have not been as derisive as most, but I have openly mocked him. I have been doing the same types of activities that I have been doing on many different hobby sites. Could I somehow be drug into this as one of Carreon’s enemies? Could I be sued by Charles Carreon for generally minding my daily business? His ability to find cause is impressive. I wouldn’t have the resources to defend myself if he tried to hound me today, or three years from now. His actions and attitudes have made my daily routine feel dangerous. I am afraid to post, to read, to surf. He might somehow decide I have wronged him.

This is why, in the moment before I feel real pity for the fate he has inflicted upon himself, I think to myself, “Fuck you, Charles Carreon.”

Another reader emails me:

I used to work for the Ramones for quite a while with the sound company and I can tell you WITHOUT A DOUBT that the Ramones would not appreciate that toolbag Charles Carreon wearing any Ramones swag in public. I wish he would refrain from tarnishing the Ramone image while he spreads his legal clap-trap around the web.

Being an informative person I reply:

How do you feel about him using joeyramone.org for his stuff?

To which they replied:

If it was up to me, I`d sue him for using the likenesses and what not. As a matter of fact, now that I`m aware of this site, I`ll call attention to it to the appropriate people.

If anyone else has emailed me or is going to, and wants to be in my next segment let me know. I might even turn “Ask Charles” into an actual page. Ideas?

[Edited for clarity]

[admin]

Charles Carreon vs the Illuminati.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 3, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/03/c ... exclude=70

I have had some time to reflect over the events since last Friday. Tara and I laid out on the desert ground staring up at the stars and looking for the satellites that control people’s thoughts, one of our favorite hobbies and I got to thinking… I need to amend my legal strategies immediately to counter the Illuminati threat. These people are running around hacking the court filing system and making me look like a loon. I am not a loon, or a looney toon, or anything that begins loo. I am a great and mighty defender of the legal rights of people to file whatever lawsuit they want, whenever they want, where ever they want, no matter it’s merits.

1.File a federal lawsuit against Paul Levy for using my name in a blog.

2.Force all bloggers and journalist to redact my name and place in it’s place Censored on the request of Charles Carreon Esq.

3.Sue the internet itself to point all hyperlinks to this blog so that I may teach you all my religion of censorship.

4.Demand that Universal Studios, who made Jurassic Park, provide me with live dinosaurs trained to eat my critics.

5.Also demand that Universal Studios make a trilogy of movies centering around me in the wild west as Arizona Kid.

6.Have the phrase Jelly Bean removed from all online sites as well as printed material.

7.Install Tara Carreon as Acting Despot of the United States of Charles Carreon.

8.Make the acronym EFF illegal.

9.I will sue anyone who registers a domain name for me in my name because Charles Carreon doesn’t have domain names, he just has righteous legal thunder.

10.I will also sue Chuck Norris and the Most Interesting Man in the World, for being perceived as more righteous than I.
Also one last warning to whoever these people are commenting on my blogs, I never gave you permission, stop hacking my internet systems. I will use the finest internet forensics to track you down and sue you, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day I will be there. Some people are calling me a censor, why is that a bad thing? I just want people to only say nice things no matter what I do. You can trust me.

Defiant Against Logic,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Oops.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 3, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/03/oops/

Yeah so my bad. I meant to sue someone who couldn’t defend themselves… I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that damn internet.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Independence Day
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 4, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/04/independence-day/

236 years ago, our forefathers litigated for their right to be free of a parliament that they saw increasingly as a foreign body. Through many harrowing court battles they won. So I think it’s proper and fit that today I declare my independence from, what some would say sanity, but I will call The Illuminati Threat. Join with me citizens as we take back this nation from… oh who am I kidding. I’m full of shit. I did it for the publicity. Yeah that sounds better…

Late April Fools,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

A question.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 4, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/04/a-question/

I wanted to do something special for Independence Day. I asked my hosting service if we could blow up my blog like a firework, but they said that wasn’t feasible and might result in charges being filed against me. Then I emailed Kingsford on how to bbq a blog, they didn’t respond. I tried to brew the blog, but all I did was get my shoes wet. After many failed attempts at baking it into an apple pie, I decided that how better to celebrate freedom than to vote as a democratic people. So here it is, my Illuminati endorsed poll. 6 out of 7 Bavarians agree, it’s better than frivolous lawsuits.



Do you want an actual "Ask Charles" section? (Poll Closed)

Yes, please do so as the Charles Carreon Esq. character. 71.89% (463 votes)

Yes, but I'd rather you do it as the actual author. 7.45% (48 votes)

No. That's a stupid idea. You now owe me dinosaurs for your ridiculousness. 20.65% (133 votes)

Total Votes: 644

Comments (0) Create Your Own Poll

[admin]

From the director’s chair.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 5, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/05/f ... ors-chair/

So you might not know this fair readers, but I am in the middle of a mega movie production. This thing is going to be like A Few Good Men, meets Godzilla, meets Amistad. Our working title right now is Psycho Santa. It’s about this brave lawyer that one day stumbles upon this scam artist name “Datthew Enman” and how the lawyer successfully litigated until the scammer gave all his ill gotten gains to charity. It’s going to have a hero named “Charles” and a heroine named “Tara.” Not only will our champion have to face off against a scam artist but also, The illuminati, CIA, the mafia, and a giant pterodactyl that wants nothing more that to tear you a new asshole. Stunning right?

In other news, since I have dismissed my lawsuit against Matthew Inman et al, I have began making a list of all the people I need to sue for trademark infringement and defamation. Here it is, future entries into this diary will list why.

1.Paul Levy

2.Cathy Gellis

3.Kenneth White

4.Marc Randazza

5.Adam Steinbaugh

6.Ann Bransom

7.Will Ross

8.“Valerie” if that’s here real name.

9.Nicholas Weaver

10.Cyrus Farivar

11.George Washington (his clone at least)

12.“AlphaCentauri”

13.Robert White

14.“Jess”

15.J. Edger Hoover (not deceased, trust me)

16.“Nibor”

17.The Taco Bell Dog

18.Universal Studios

19.[UPDATED] Joe Pullen

Writer, Director, Lawyer,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[admin]

Donna Barstow interview.
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 6, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/06/d ... xclude=289

Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.

Me: So why did you want to hire me?

Donna: These guys at Something Awful are terrible people and need to be taught a lesson. They’ve called me racist and other defamatory terms.

Me: What defamation have you faced?

Donna: Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.

Me: That’s reprehensible.

Donna: Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.

Me: Isn’t that a crime?

Donna: That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.

Me: It seems anyone can pretend to be a lawyer nowadays.

Donna: So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?

Me: First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.

Donna: What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?

Me: Then I will sue them.

Donna: What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?

Me: You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.

Donna: Uh…

Me: Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?

Donna: I’m not sure if I am okay with that.

Me: Oh never mind, Tara can do that.

Donna: I need to go now…

Me: Okay see you soon!

I think that went well.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me ]

[admin]

Democracy!
by Christopher Recouvreur
July 7, 2012
http://charles-carreon.com/2012/07/07/democracy/

Due to an overwhelming majority vote there will now be an Ask Charles section for real! Here are the official results for my question “Do you want an actual ‘Ask Charles’ section”:

Yes, please do so as the Charles Carreon Esq. character. 71.89% (463 votes)

Yes, but I’d rather you do it as the actual author. 7.45% (48 votes)

No. That’s a stupid idea. You now owe me dinosaurs for your ridiculousness. 20.65% (133 votes)

So send me your questions (satiricalcharles@gmail.com) and I’ll reply to them as Charles Carreon in posts when I get enough. This will be a regular section on this blog and you can ask really about anything. Try not to be too lewd though, it makes me uncomfortable thinking about Mr. Carreon that way. Seriously. I get kind of sick.