Jimmy Kimmel is Back!

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Jimmy Kimmel is Back!
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Sep 23, 2025 #Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel returns to the air and talks about all of the people who have reached out over the last six days including fellow late night talk show hosts, fans of the show, and those who don’t support what he believes but support his right to share those beliefs anyway, and he expresses that it was never his intention to make light of the murder of a young man, how important it is to live in a country that allows us to have a show like this, the Chairman of the FCC Brendan Carr telling an American company that “We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” Trump saying he has no talent and no ratings, being fortunate to work at a company that has allowed us to do the show we want to do for almost 23 years, not agreeing with the decision to have our show pulled off the air last Wednesday, Trump making it very clear he wants to see Jimmy and other late night hosts fired, and solidarity from the right, left and those in the middle. Then Jimmy talks to the new FCC Chairman (Robert De Niro), and gets into Trump’s day addressing the United Nations, the escalator breaking, having trouble with the teleprompter, and the headache he’s creating with his buddy RFK over Tylenol.



Transcript

Breaking news on Jimmy Kimmel and
autism.
Jimmy Kimmel coming back to late night
television.
ABC chose to bring back their lowrating
nighttime host.
We are in for a monologue that will be a
marker in late night show history.
It's going to be a moment.
Yeah, no question. A huge moment in
American history.
It's one of the most pivotal moments in
broadcast history.
He will be delivering what is being
dubbed the most anticipated monologue in
late night in years.
Revolution change you
from Hollywood. It's Jimmy Kimmel L
tonight. Glenn Power and music from
Sarah McCluck with Cleo and the Cleones.
And now Jimmy Kimmel.
Thank you. Thank you.
Anyway, as I was saying before I was
interrupted.
If you're just joining us, we are
preempting your regularly scheduled
encore episode of Celebrity Family Feud
to bring you this special report. I'm
happy to be here tonight with you.
Please be seated.
I'm not sure who had a weirder 48 hours,
me or the CEO of Tylenol.
It's uh it's been overwhelming. I've
heard from a lot of people over the last
six days. I've heard from all the people
over in the world over the last six
days. Everyone I have ever met has
reached out 10 or 11 times. Weird
characters from my past are the guy who
fired me from my first radio job in
Seattle where we are not airing tonight
by the way. Sorry Seattle. His name is
Larry. In 1989, Larry tried to force me
to do a bit called jokes for donuts
where people would call in with a joke
and I would give them donuts. I refused
to do it and then I made a lot of fun of
Larry for suggesting it and eventually
Larry fired me and I had to move back in
with my parents. But even he wrote in to
cheer me up. Thank you, Larry. And I
want to thank everyone who checked in.
It would take all week to list all of
them, but
some that I do especially want to
mention are my fellow late night talk
show hosts, my friend Steven Colbear,
who's found himself in this predicament.
My friends John Stewart, Seth Myers,
Jimmy Fallon, John Oliver, Conan
O'Brien, James Cordon, Arino, Kathy,
Wanda, Chelsea, even Jay reached out. I
heard from late night hosts in other
countries from Ireland and from Germany.
The guy in Germany offered me a job. Can
you imagine?
This country has become so
authoritarian. The Germans are like,
"Come here. Come loose."
My boyhood idols Howard Stern and David
Letterman were very considerate and
kind. And I feel honored to be part of a
group of people that knows what goes
into doing a show like this. And I also
want to thank all of you
thanks to
who supported our show, cared enough to
do something about it, to make your
voices heard so that mine could be
heard. I will never forget it. And maybe
weirdly,
maybe maybe most of all, I want to thank
the people who don't support my show and
what I believe, but support my right to
share those beliefs anyway.
people who I never would have imagined
like Ben Shapiro, Clay Travis, Candace
Owens, Mitch McConnell, Ran Paul, even
my old pal Ted Cruz, who believe it or
not said something very beautiful on my
behalf. I hate what Jimmy Kimmel said. I
am thrilled that he was fired.
Oh, wait. No, not that. The the other
part. But let me tell you, if the
government gets in the business of
saying
can't say
what you, the media, have said, "We're
going to ban you from the airwaves if
you don't say what we like." That will
end up bad for conservatives.
I don't think I've ever said this
before, but Ted Cruz is right. He's
absolutely right. This affects
all of us, including him. I mean, think
about it. If Ted Cruz can't speak
freely, then he can't cast spells on the
Smurfs.
Even though I I don't agree with many of
those people on most subjects, some of
the things they say even make me want to
throw up. It takes courage for them to
speak out against this administration,
and they did, and they deserve credit
for it. And thanks um for telling your
followers
that our government
cannot be allowed to control what we do
and do not say on television and that we
have to stand up to it. I've been
hearing a lot about what I need to say
and do tonight. And the truth is I don't
think what I have to say is going to
make much of a difference. If you like
me, you like me. If you don't, you
don't. I have no illusions about
changing anyone's mind. But I do want to
make something clear because it's
important to me as a human. And that is
you understand that it was never my
intention to make light of the murder of
a young man. I I don't
I don't think there's anything funny
about it. I I posted a message on
Instagram of the day he was killed
sending love to his family and asking
for compassion and I meant it and I
still do. uh nor was it my intention to
blame any specific group for the actions
of what it was obviously a deeply
disturbed individual. That was really
the opposite of the point I was trying
to make. But I understand that to some
that felt either illtimed or unclear or
maybe both. And for those who think I
did uh point a finger. I get why you're
upset. If the situation was reversed,
there's a good chance I'd have felt the
same way. I have many friends and family
members on the other side who I love and
remain close to even though we don't
agree on politics at all. I don't think
the murderer who shot Charlie Kirk
represents anyone. This was a sick
person who believed violence was a
solution and it isn't it ever. And also
selfishly
I am
I am a person who gets a lot of threats.
I get many ugly and scary threats
against my life, my wife, my kids, my
co-workers because of what I choose to
say. And I know those threats don't come
from the kind of people on the right who
I know and love. So that's what I wanted
to say on that subject. But I don't want
to make this about me because and I know
this is what people say when they make
things about them, but I really don't.
This show,
this show is not important. What is
important is that we get to live in a
country that allows us to have a show
like this.
I meet I've had the opportunity to meet
and spend time with comedians and talk
show hosts from countries like Russia,
countries in the Middle East who tell me
they would get thrown in prison for
making fun of those in power. And worse
than being thrown in prison, they know
how lucky we are here. Our freedom to
speak is what they admire most about
this country. And that's something I'm
embarrassed to say I took for granted
until they pulled my friend Stephen off
the air and tried to coersse the
affiliates who run our show in the
cities that you live in to take my show
off the air. That's not legal. That's
not American. That is unamerican and it
is so dangerous.
I want you to think about this.
Should
the government be allowed to regulate
which podcasts the cell phone companies
and Wi-Fi providers are allowed to let
you download to make sure they serve the
public interest? You think that sounds
crazy?
10 years ago, this sounded crazy.
Brendan Carr, the chairman of the FCC,
telling an American company, "We can do
this the easy way or the hard way, and
that these companies can find ways to
change conduct and take action on Kimmel
or there's going to be additional work
for the FCC ahead." In addition to being
a direct violation of the First
Amendment, is not a particularly
intelligent threat to make in public.
Ted Cruz said he sounded like a mafioso.
Although, I don't know. If you want to
hear a mob boss make a threat like that,
you have to hide a microphone in a deli
and park outside in a van with a tape
recorder all night long. This genius
said it on a podcast. Brendan Carr is
the most embarrassing car Republicans
have embraced since this one. And that's
saying something.
The FCC
The FCC has a tradition of meddling
where they shouldn't under many
administrations, but it wasn't always
like this. There was an FCC commissioner
back in 2022 who worked under Joe Biden
who was spoton. He wrote, "President
Biden is right. Political satire is one
of the oldest and most important forms
of free speech. It challenges those in
power while using humor to draw more
people into the discussion. That's why
people in influential positions have
always targeted it for censorship. You
know who wrote that? FCC Commissioner
Brendan Carr,
who later was appointed chairman of the
FCC by this former crusader for free
speech.
If we don't have free speech, then we
just don't have a free country. It's as
simple as that. If this most fundamental
right is allowed to perish, then the
rest of our rights and liberties will
topple just like dominoes. One by one,
they'll go down. That was also in 2022.
And I wonder how did that guy turn into
this guy.
Who would you like to see replace Kimmel
on late night?
A lot of people, anybody could replace
him. Guy had no talent. Kimmel had,
look, he was fired. He had no talent.
He's a whack job, but he had no talent.
And more importantly the talent he had
no because a lot of people have no
talent they get ratings but he had no
ratings. Well,
I do tonight.
Thank you.
You almost
You almost have to feel sorry for him.
He tried did his best to cancel me.
Instead, he forced millions of people to
watch the show. That backfired bigly.
He might have to release the Epstein
files to distract us from this. Now,
a lot of people have been asking me if
there are uh conditions for my return to
the air, and there is one. Disney has
asked me to read the following
statement, and uh I I've agreed to do
it. Uh here we go.
um to reactivate your Disney Plus and
Hulu account
open
the Disney Plus app on your smart TV or
TV connected device.
I've been um
fortunate to work at a company that has
allowed me to do the show the way we
want to do it for almost 23 years. I've
done almost 4,000 shows on ABC. And over
that time, the people who run this
network have allowed me to evolve and to
stretch the boundaries of what was once
traditional for a late night talk show,
even when it made them uncomfortable,
which I do a lot. Every night, they've
defended my right to poke fun at our
leaders and to advocate for subjects
that I think are important by allowing
me to use their platform. And I am very
grateful for that. With that said, I was
not happy when they pulled me off the
air on one. I did not agree with that
decision and I told them that and we had
many conversations. I shared my point of
view. They shared theirs. We talked it
through and at the end, even though they
didn't have to. They really didn't have
to. This is a giant company. We have
short attention spans and I am a tiny
part of the Disney Corporation. and they
welcomed me back on the air and I thank
them for that because I know
that that unfortunately
and I think unjustly this puts them at
risk. The president of the United States
made it very clear he wants to see me
and the hundreds of people who work here
fired from our jobs. Our leader
celebrates Americans losing their
livelihoods because he can't take a
joke. He was
somehow
able to squeeze Cole Bear out of CBS.
Denny turned his sights on me and now
he's openly rooting for NBC to fire
Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers and the
hundreds of Americans who work for their
shows who don't make millions of
dollars. And I hope that if that happens
or if there's even any hint of that
happening, you will be 10 times as loud
as you were this week. We have to speak
out against this because
he's not stopping.
And it's not just comedy. He's gunning
for our journalists, too. He's suing
them. He's bullying them. Over the
weekend, his Foxy friend Pete Hgsth
announced a new policy that requires
journalists with Pentagon press
credentials to sign a pledge, promising
not to report information that hasn't
been explicitly authorized for release.
that includes unclassified information.
They want to pick and choose what the
news is. I know that's not as
interesting as musling a comedian, but
it's so important to have a free press,
and it is nuts that we aren't paying
more attention to it.
Walter Konite must be spinning in his
grave right now. He's dead, right?
Look, I never imagined I would be in a a
situation like this. I barely paid
attention in school. But one thing I did
learn from uh from Lenny Bruce and
George Carlin and Howard Stern is that a
government threat to silence a comedian
the president doesn't like is
anti-American. That's anti-American.
And I am so glad we have some solidarity
on that from the right and left and from
those in the middle like Joe Rogan.
Maybe the silver lining from this is we
found one thing we can agree on and
maybe we'll even find another one. Maybe
we can get a little bit closer together.
We do agree on a lot of things. We agree
on keeping our children safe from guns,
from on reproductive rights for women,
social security,
affordable health care, pediatric cancer
research. These are all things that most
Americans support. Let's stop letting
these politicians tell us what they want
and tell them what we want.
There was um
a moment over the weekend, a very
beautiful moment. I don't know if you
saw this on Sunday. Erica Kirk forgave
the man who shot her husband. She
forgave him. That is an example we
should follow.
If you believe
in the teachings of Jesus as I do, there
it was. That's that's it. A selfless act
of grace, forgiveness from a grieving
widow. It touched me deeply
and I hope it
It touches many and if there's anything
we should take from this tragedy to
carry forward, I hope it can be that uh
and not this. So, thank you for
listening and I'll have I'll have more
to say when we come back.
What about also those who say that
you're being in recent months awfully
thin skinned?
I've always been thin skinned. I've been
thin skinned from day one.
Welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live. We
are still on the air in most of the
country except ironically for Washington
DC where we have been preempted. We are
off the air in Nashville, New Orleans,
Portland, Oregon, Salt Lake City, and
St. Louis where none of my wife's family
is able to watch the show tonight. So,
sorry, Aunt Sharon. Sorry, Aunt Marine.
You'll have to go to YouTube, I guess.
But I am glad to be back at work. It was
touch and go for a minute. GMO did
something very sweet actually. He um
called me and he offered to sell his
laboos. I will never forget that
gesture, my friend. He's GMO.
I I've done a lot of talking. Is there
anything you would like to share with
the audience tonight?
Sure. I would like to say listen, this
world needs more people like Jimmy
Kimmel. He is the best.
He's a great man. a great father and
thank you Jimmy and I love you and I
stand with you all the way and I love
you.
That's very sweet.
If you stand with me all the way. Why
did Ryan Seress call me and tell me you
keep texting him over and over?
Never. Never. That was wrong Mexican.
Oh, I see.
Yeah. We were in the middle and in a lot
of ways still are in the middle of an
unprecedented fix. After almost 23 years
on the air, we're suddenly not being
broadcast in 20% of the country, which
is not a situation we relish. So, we
reached out to the chairman of the FCC,
Brendan Car. He has, to his credit,
agreed to join us from his office in
Washington, and here he is now. Thank
you, Chairman Carr, for being with us
tonight.
You tell Whoopi over there she better
show a little respect or the only view
she's getting is from under George
Washington the bridge not the guy.
Excuse me. Uh sir. Yeah. Hi. It's
Well, what is this? You sneak up on me.
You don't
You don't sneak up on a person. It's not
It's not nice. I'm I'm sorry. What is
your name? Cuz I was expecting to talk
to the chairman of the FCC.
You don't need to know my name. And And
I am the new chairman of the FCC.
You were appointed FCC chairman by
Donald Trump.
Sir Trump. Yes. I used to do this at
work with a man here and there in
Atlantic City.
But did I just hear you on the phone
threatening Whoopy Goldberg?
No. I would never threaten Miss
Goldstein. I was just teaching her a
lesson about consequences.
No, but pardon me for for saying so.
Maybe you're the wrong guy to talk to,
but it seems like the FCC is using mob
tactics to suppress free speech.
What did you just say to me?
I I I didn't mean any offensive. You
know, you can't curse or will get fined
by the FCC.
I am the FCC. I can say whatever the I
want. No. Uh, well, this does it sounds
a little like threats and intimidation
to me. Chairman,
stop that. It's Look, it's just me,
Jimmy. The chairman of the FCC gently
suggesting that you gently shut the up.
But you can't say that. That's a
violation of free speech.
Oh, yeah. About that speech. It ain't
free no more.
What? It's not free no more.
Yeah, we're charging by the word now.
You're charging by the word. How much
are you charging? It
depends on what you want to say. Like
you want to say something nice about the
president's beautiful thick yellow hair,
how he can do his makeup better than any
broad, that's free.
Okay. All right.
That seems reasonable.
But if you want to do a joke like he's
so fat he needs two seats on the Epstein
jet, that's
okay. Can I just ask just for clarity
because it's a pretty good joke. How
much would that one cost me?
Couple of fingers, maybe a tooth. And
you know how constipated he is?
So, is this how things are going to go
from now on?
We also got a new motto at the FCC.
Sticks and stones may break your bones.
And
well, the risk of that is but but I
think but words can never harm you.
Oh well well they can harm you now.
Let's make sure you pick the right
words. Capabish.
Yeah, I guess I I capiche, but I don't
think Oh, it sounds like you got a call
there, huh? Uh
hi, handsome.
Oh, I mean I'm sorry, Mr. Mr. President.
You okay? Okay. You You got it, sir. You
got it. Bye.
What did you say?
Look, I I got to go. A couple of cases
of Tylenol fell off a truck and now I
got to figure out how to put autism in
them.
Oh, okay. All right. Well, that sounds
that sounds tricky. So, good good luck
with good luck with that, sir.
Good luck with you. And I'll be watching
you, Kimmel. Maybe not on ABC. That's up
to you.
Okay. Well, thank you so much for your
time. And it is my honor to serve the
public interest.
Yeah, I know it is. I know. I know it
is. Thank you so much.
I got to tell you,
I like the new guy a lot.
You know, as of this taping, the
president has not weighed in on ABC's
decision to put us back on the air. I
don't know, maybe he's saving it for his
late night toilet time, but his
magnificence had other business today in
New York. big business addressing the
United Nations, which got off to a rocky
start when the Trumps hit the escalator
and it suddenly stopped.
They had to walk up.
He broke the escalator. Where was that
escalator 10 years ago when we needed it
on the way down?
Trump had trouble with his teleprompter
today, but spoke anyway for almost an
hour off the cuff in front of all these
foreign leaders. And when you think
about uniting nations, no one does it
better than Don.
It's time to end the failed experiment
of open borders. You have to end it now.
See, I can tell you I'm really good at
this stuff. Your countries are going to
hell.
Well, if that doesn't get him the Nobel
Prize, I don't know what will. Melania
was uh she sat for the speech. She was
there not just in her capacity as first
lady but also as a representative for
all the unsatisfied Slovenian women of
the world. Ramble Stiltskin was all over
the map today. He ranted about
windmills. He bragged about ending seven
wars. He threatened the guy who operates
the teleprompter. He complained about
being screwed out of a deal to renovate
the building they were in, the United
Nations building. He said, "You could
have had marble. You got terrarazzo. You
could have had mahogany. You got plastic
instead. Five translators had to be
hospitalized for confusion. But none of
that compared to the headache he is
creating with his buddy RFK blaming
autism on Tylenol. His press conference
yesterday was an all-timer. Trump, Bobby
Brainworm, and Dr. Roz strongly
recommend that pregnant women stop
taking Tylenol immediately. And the
president was very persuasive making his
case.
When the alternative is that nothing bad
can happen, let's do it now. I was just
saying to Bobby and the group, let's do
it now. Nothing bad can happen. It can
only good happen. But with Tylenol,
don't take it. Don't take it. That's
right. Follow the advice of Donald Trump
and you too can look like a glazed ham
with deep vein thrombosis.
It can only happen.
This is
This is Tylenol. We're talking about the
thing that you take when they won't let
you take anything that works.
It's never They gave me Tylenol. It's
always They gave me all they gave me was
Tylenol.
But make no mistake, this was an
historic announcement. This was a major
breakthrough in the field of medicine.
And just in case it isn't clear, if
someone comes up and offers you a
Tylenol, you should not take it.
Don't take Tylenol. Don't take it with
Tylenol. Don't take it. Don't take it.
Don't use Tylenol. Don't take Tylenol.
Don't take Tylenol. Fight like hell not
to take it. I think you shouldn't take
it. Don't take Tylenol. The baby goes
gets a shot. They say, "Here, take a
drop of Tylenol." I've heard that for
years. Take Tylenol. Don't take Tylenol.
Don't have your baby take Tylenol. Don't
give Tylenol
to the baby. Don't give Tylenol to the
baby. Don't give your baby Tylenol.
Don't take Tylenol. Don't take Tylenol.
Don't take Tylenol. Don't take it. Don't
take it. So,
that's it. There's nothing much to say.
Don't take Tylenol. Just don't take it.
And uh I just say it again. Don't take
Tylenol. Don't take it.
Brought to you by Mushroom GMO. Do you
know how many subscribers we have on
YouTube now?
Uh, 20 million.
That's right. Yeah, that's why we're
wearing these glasses. Thanks for being
a subscriber. If you're not, help us get
to 20 million in one.

[admin]

Trump Threatens Jimmy Kimmel & ABC, Escalator Fiasco at the UN & Ethan Hawke Interrupts for Support
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Sep 24, 2025 #Kimmel

We are back to work again doing our show for most of the country, Jimmy heard from Donald Trump who posted on Truth Social with threats moments after we taped our show last night, he claimed it was the ratings that got Jimmy “fired,” Donald Trump is an old-fashioned 80s movie-style bully, many of our staffers got crazy texts from their loved ones over the last week, there was a fun little conspiracy theory we heard on Newsmax today, according to MSNBC the FBI has a recording of Trump’s border czar Tom Homan taking a bag from undercover agents with $50,000 cash in it, Team Trump is worked up about the escalator stopping while Donald was at the UN yesterday, and Ethan Hawke interrupts the monologue when Jimmy thanks the more than 400 entertainers, actors, writers, directors, and producers who signed the ACLU letter supporting our show.



Transcript

Wow. That's
I Yeah, I always wanted to know what it
felt like to be Jerry Springer. So,
thank you very much, man.
Hi there. Uh, hey, thanks for joining us
from our uh, our longtime home on
Hollywood Boulevard where we are back to
work doing our show for
not all of the country. Doing our show
for most of the country. We are still
not on the air on a number of ABC
affiliates including Seattle, Portland,
Washington DC, Nashville, New Orleans,
St. Louis, Salt Lake City, about 30
more. And if you are watching from one
of those cities, please know that the
person you are looking at right now is
not me. Okay. Right.
Right. Jimmy, that's right. Yeah.
I'm going to tell you something. Thank
God they're not preempting the new
season of the Golden Bachelor because of
this. The FCC might not like jokes about
the president, but they are still very
okay with Pop Pop getting a squeezer in
the jacuzzi. And I think we can all be
very grateful for that. You know, a lot
of people watched our show last night. I
got so many texts from so many people.
It made me realize how many of my
friends are never watching the show at
any other time. Tomorrow I'll hear from
no one. I did hear from one very special
friend moments after we taped our show
last night. The Mad Red Hatter wrote, "I
can't believe ABC fake news gave Jimmy
Kimmel his job back."
[Applause]
You can't believe they gave me my job
back. I can't believe we gave you your
job back.
Even
and there's more. The White House was
told by ABC that his show was cancelled.
No, they weren't. Something happened
between then and now because his
audience is gone and his talent was
never there.
That I can't argue with. Shut the up.
The freedom of speech is only for me.
They do not interrupt the president. Why
would they want someone back who does so
poorly, who's not funny, and who puts
the network in jeopardy by playing 99%
positive Democrat garbage? Who puts the
network in jeopardy? You hear that?
There's the threat again. This time,
straight from FCC Biscuit's mouth. He
goes, he's didn't he he says, "I think
we're going to test ABC out on this.
Let's see how we do. Last time I went
after them, they gave me $16 million.
This one sounds even more lucrative. A
true bunch of losers. Only Donald Trump
would try to prove he wasn't threatening
ABC by threatening ABC.
And you almost have to feel sorry for
the people who work for him who try to
clean up the messes. They've been
bending over backwards to say, "Oh, we
we never he never threatened." JD Vance
today made the claim that what the FCC
chairman said was a joke. Which I don't
maybe that was a joke. I don't know.
They go to all these lengths to say,
"Oh, it wasn't coercion. The president
was just musing." And then the second
Trump is alone, he sits on the toilet.
He gets his grubby little thumbs on his
phone. And he immediately blows their
excuses to smitherines and says, "It was
ratings that got me fired." Has anyone
ever been fired for bad ratings on a
Wednesday?
This was his big closer. Let Jimmy
Kimmel rot in his bad ratings. And he
does no bad ratings. He has some of the
worst ratings any president has ever
had. So
on behalf of all of us, welcome to the
crappy ratings club, Mr. President.
Next, they'll try to sue us. And I want
to say good luck with that cuz we
thought about it. We packed the courts
and we have a surprise ace up our
sleeve. Mr. Judge Steve Harvey. That's
right. Survey says you lose. Sadly, the
truth is no one wants to face Donald
Trump in court. That's where he's at his
most flatulent. And you know, one of the
places we were preempted last night was
Lancing, Michigan. Uh, instead of us,
this is what viewers in Lancing saw.
Something you do in the shower you
wouldn't do when you showering with your
boot.
Fart.
You know, no matter where you stand
politically,
I think we can all agree that that is a
top five answer. And but here's the
thing for those who think I go too hard
on Donald Trump to the point where there
are still a lot of people who think I
should be pulled off the air for making
fun of Donald Trump. So, I want to
explain. I talk about Trump more than
anything because he's a bully. I don't
like bullies. I played the clarinet in
high school. Okay? So I I just don't
like him. Donald Trump is an
old-fashioned '8s movie style bully
taking your lunch money and if you give
it to him once, he'll take it again. Two
things he loves, lunch and money. Okay?
He will take that peanut butter and
jelly sandwich your mom cut in half like
a triangle for you. He will gobble it up
in front of your face and then he'll eat
your little Ziploc bag of Oreos, too.
And he'll take the note your mother put
in your lunchbox and he'll read it aloud
to everyone. Oh, look. Mommy loves her
widow boy. And then he'll smile with a
bunch of cookies in his teeth. And he'll
grab you by your nipples and he'll twist
them until you have two holes in your
latigra shirt because your parents
couldn't afford an Isod. And he'll stuff
you in a locker and they'll stomp on
your trapper keeper and slam the door.
That is Donald Trump. Okay. He does it
to everyone. He did it at the UN
yesterday.
rooting for this bully. I don't care
what side you're on. It's like rooting
for Biff from Back to the Future.
Literally, Donald Trump was the model
for Biff in Back to the Future. And this
is who people are cheering for. I don't
know about you. I'm with Marty McFly.
McFly
and all the McFly.
It was a weird um it was a weird six
days, not just for me, for our whole
staff. Moments like this really bring
out the best and worst from our loved
one. Now, the following, what I'm going
to show you are real unedited text
messages some of my co-workers got while
we're off the air. This was to Rachel,
who's one of our segment coordinators
from her aunt. Um, she got the news that
we were off the air. She said, "Hey,
sweetie. Is it Kimmel or Fallon that you
currently work for?"
Sadly, it was me. This was to Katherine,
associate producer here on a text with
her mom and sister. Um, CNN says you're
canceled indefinitely. Who knows?
Absolutely disgusting. So her mom sends
her a link to job openings in New York.
Then says, "What does this mean for
you?" No clue. Are you at work? What are
people saying? It said starting with
tonight's show. Yes. They just said our
show for tonight and tomorrow is canled.
Just now or long term? No clue. No one
knows. Wild. I'm sure you do know.
So, do you still go in to work? No, we
don't know.
This message was for Scott, our head
utility guy, from a friend. Uh, I can't
believe this. Hopefully, they just
change hosts and keep the show.
This was to Jamie from one of our
writers from her college RA uh named
Taylor. Hey, I just saw the news about
Jimmy Kimmel. Does that mean you're out
of a job? Not sure. Well, that sucks.
You were always funny, but I heard there
were like no jobs out there.
Cool. Thanks for checking in, Taylor.
And then Jamie got another one, a better
one, from her mom. I'm a wreck over
this. Should I cancel my vacation and
come back? I can't think of any other
jobs for you.
You won a big math award in middle
school.
Oh, no. That was Joe.
It's not cancelled. You don't need to
come back. And I did win a math award
actually.
Her mother says, "Well, what good does
that do you now?"
It's always good to hear from mom and
from mom in difficult times. And please
pray for Jamie.
For whatever reason, it's becoming
increasingly difficult for people to
accept anything at face value. Here's a
fun little conspiracy theory we heard on
Newsmax today.
I don't think many people are going to
watch. And if I've said it once, I've
said it a million times. The only reason
that Jimmy Kimmel got his show back is
because he has so much dirt on everyone
in the industry. I think people are
scared to go against him. I mean, this
is from like all my sources in the
industry. Like, you don't say no to
Jimmy because he will find a way to get
you back.
That is 100% true, by the way. You mess
with me, you will never be heard from
again.
Ask Matt Damon. You remember him? No,
you do not. The FBI, according to MSNBC,
has a recording of uh Tom, you know that
guy Tom Hman Trump's borders are? They
have a recording, they say, of him
taking a bag from undercover agents with
$50,000 cash in it. $50,000 cash in a
Cava bag. You know, Cava, the chicken
schwarma place.
Homeman has not personally denied that
he took cash in a bag, but he claims he
did nothing illegal. What could be
illegal about that? And we may never
know if he did anything illegal because
Trump's Department of Justice dropped
the case. You know, they don't have time
for this sort of thing. They've got real
crimes to solve, like who hit the stop
button on the president's escalator
yesterday.
When you put all of this together, it
doesn't look like a coincidence to me.
And I know that we have people,
including the United States Secret
Service, who are looking into this to
try to get to the bottom of it. And if
we find that these were UN staffers who
were purposefully trying to trip up,
literally trip up the president and the
first lady of the United States, well,
there better be accountability for those
people. And I will personally see to it,
Jesse,
that 14year-old girl is right. We've got
to get to the bottom of Escalade Gate.
It's now every report I've seen says it
was one of the president's own
videographers who bumped the safety
mechanism accidentally, which might not
seem like a big deal until you realize
it is a very big deal. They could have
hurt the most beautiful first lady in
American history. Why are we paying for
a building that's just trying to injure
the first lady?
Explain to me again this idea that the
media is biased against Trump because
it's not adding up for me right now.
Trump escalated this minor incident
bigly today. He put up a 357word
post calling for whoever was responsible
for it to be arrested. And in case you
haven't seen the shocking near tragedy
already, here it was.
Now,
I watched that a couple of times today
and I was thinking it reminded me of
something. It seemed kind of familiar to
me.
[Music]
There you go. That's that is what it
was. Don't just recap.
Trump will not release the Epstein
files, but we will be doing a thorough
and complete investigation into who
stopped his escalator. One other thing I
want to mention about our show coming
back on the air. Last night, I did I
forgot to acknowledge I mentioned all
the late night hosts who supported me. I
forgot my beautiful Andy Cohen. So, I
want to apologize to him. And also I
want to thank
um my good friends Kelly Ripa and Mark
Consuelos for sending our staff an ice
cream truck today which is honestly very
thoughtful and very sweet. But next time
Kelly if you could give us a a heads up
because when the truck pulled up GMO saw
the word ice and dived under a a
recycling bin. Was it? Yes.
We're a little on edge out here. Okay.
So but thank you. And I also want to
thank the more than 400 entertainers,
actors, writers, directors, producers
who all signed a letter from the ACLU in
support of our show. There are so many
names here.
I just
Thank you.
I know. Forget I know I'm not I'm not
supposed to be I'm not supposed to be
out here yet. I I just I heard you
talking about the letter of endorsement.
I want to let you know right here, manto
man, face to face. What an honor it was
to sign this letter. It was one of the
great privileges of my life. Thank you.
Thank you. You're a hero. Thank you. You
know,
how did you sign it?
Oh, no. I No, I I definitely signed it.
Don't worry about it. I signed it. It's
It's um
really cuz I'm looking at it.
I think I signed it twice, man. No,
you did. Okay.
Yeah, but there's like 400 names on
there. It doesn't
I don't see your name on this. This is
weird. Let's see. They are in
alphabetical order. What we got here?
Edy Falco, Elizabeth Banks, Eva
Longoria.
Dude, I signed it. I I know I signed it.
I I Hold on a second. Just
saying
weird name on there right now. Oh,
that's
What are you guys? Is that a xylophone?
What is that? So cool.
Who's playing the xylophone over there?
Someone's playing the xylophone. Yeah,
I don't see a xylophone.
Right here. Right. Right under Tom
Hanks.
Oh,
yeah. See?
Oh, there it is. Right there. You can
Oh,
you literally signed it. It's in the
eighth section.
I I would have signed it. I really would
have. I wanted to sign it. I just I'm
not the type of guy, you know, I
thought, you know, it's looked like you
were kind of done, you know, and I'm not
the type of guy who's going to like bet
on a a three-legged horse, you know,
with broken ankles. That's not me, but I
know you are the standup guy. So, I did
I don't hold it against you. He'll still
come on later.
Yeah, we'll talk. You know what we'll
do? We're going to take a commercial
break right now and then we're going to
let the audience decide whether Ethan
will be allowed back on the show. All
right. We got a great show tonight. Lisa
and Walter is here. We have music from
Young Bloodood. And we'll be maybe right
back with
[Music]

[admin]

Trump Distracts from Epstein Files with Escalator Drama and Wages War on Tylenol & TikTok
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Sep 25, 2025 #Kimmel
On Monday we are heading to Brooklyn for a week of shows at the Brooklyn Academy of Music with big time guests including Ryan Reynolds, Emily Blunt, Tom Hanks, Bruce Springsteen, Spike Lee, and Stephen Colbert, Trump has been trying to distract us all from the Epstein files with Escalator drama, he told fellow world leaders at the UN that America is the “hottest country anywhere,” today Trump signed an executive order that would allow a group of investors to buy TikTok from the Chinese, our monologue from Tuesday has over 21 million views so far on YouTube alone, other shows on Television are taking shots a Trump too, Actor Randy Quaid wasn’t all that happy to see us back on air, there were a flood of fake A.I. videos designed to look like real recordings of Jimmy, Guillermo and Matt Damon, and with Trump telling us not to take Tylenol - the FDA is listening and help is on the way.



Transcript

Now kill him. Kimble
[Music]
[Applause]
relax.
I mean, I get it. But I just I know. I
know. I get it. But
we make
Can we not do that every night? Now,
I mean, I appreciate it, but I also hate
it. I really do.
We are uh broadcasting to about 75% of
the country from Los Angeles, California
tonight. On Monday, we will be in
Brooklyn for a week of big shows from
the Brooklyn Academy of Music. We have
to what we have to do now is stay on the
move so the FCC can't get us. We're
taking the whole gang. We're taking GMO.
We're taking Lou. We're taking the band.
We're And we're going to take a big
bottle of Tylenol just for fun.
We have we really do have a special week
next week. We have a a great guest
lineup including but not limited to Ryan
Reynolds, Emily Blunt, Tom Hanks, Bruce
Springsteen, Spike Lee, Steven Coar will
be on our show and a special appearance
from former New York Mayor Rudy
Giuliani. That's right. He won't be a
guest. He'll be outside the theater
screaming at a pigeon.
One of the things I want to do when
we're in New York, and I want you to go
with me here. want to go see the
escalator that tried to viciously attack
the president this week. Have you been
um enjoying Trump's most ridiculous
distraction from the Epstein files yet?
The president claims he's the victim of
a triple sabotage during his visit to
the United Nations building in New York
on Tuesday. The teleprompter wasn't
working. There were issues with the
sound system. And most nefariously of
all, his escalator stopped. The UN says
they think it was Trump's own
videographer that accidentally kicked a
safety mechanism. But Maggatha Christie
and his team of defective detectives
don't they do not believe it. They are
on the case. This was not just a minor
incident. This was a harrowing escape.
Trump and Melania were riding it up and
it just stopped. Thankfully, uh the
first lady and the president had their
hands on the the rail as they were going
up the escalator. I I've never known an
escalator to be stopped. I go on
escalators all the time. That's what I'm
happiest on an escalator.
I'm going to say it could be a trap.
You're going to say it' be wild and
crazy. But that's what I have to be.
They set mouse traps for the bear that
is President Trump. And he walked boom.
She walks on it. It stops. She turns
around to the president and she just
leads the president up and walks. So,
she was unfased by it. But this was this
could have been a massive massive uh
issue. And and you know the president
being frozen there in one place makes
him vulnerable.
Yeah. Yeah. Unless he can walk then they
act like they dropped him into
sharkinfested waters. It was an
escalator. You know what another word
for frozen escalator is? Stairs.
I mean I'm getting I'm starting to get
confused. Is he the strongest,
healthiest, most physically powerful man
beast ever elected president or a
brittle bone grandma with osteoporosis?
I don't which is it? If you did not see
the speech Trump gave at the UN, uh
suffices to say, if you go on vacation
out of the country this year, it would
be a good idea to pretend to be
Canadian. Okay. It was an hour of
bragging and bullying and BS. You know
what that stands for, right? GMO bull.
That's right.
I wanted him to say in case we get
another visit from the FCC, Trump told
his fellow world leaders that America is
the hottest country anywhere and if they
don't listen to him, their countries are
all going to hell. Needless to say, this
did not play well with our friends
overseas. This is from France 24 News in
Paris, which gave us a quick snapshot of
where we stand on the international
stage. As you can imagine, it's a cover
story for many international newspapers
as well. Let's take a look at British uh
the Daily Mirror here that calls the
speech quote deranged. It summarizes the
speech that was 56 minutes long. Uh it
talked about climate, migrants, Gaza,
but also escalators, marble floors, and
teleprompterss, and may I add cows?
Yes. Yes. Yes, you may. cuz he did.
Hearing how demented he is with an
accent somehow makes it even worse. You
know, they're calling our president the
world's most powerful man baby able to
soil five diapers in a single bound.
Other countries look at Trump the way we
look at the running of the bulls. Like,
what are those people? Nuts? What's
going on there? Today, Trump signed an
executive order that will allow a group
of investors to buy Tik Tok from the
Chinese. You know, Congress banned Tik
Tok under Joe Biden because of fears the
Chinese government was using it to spy
on Americans. But with this deal in
place, now our government can spy on
Americans ourselves, which is better.
Tik Tok is very important to Donald
Trump, even though he's never used it
and has no no idea what it is, right? He
thinks it's a little breathment. But the
new owners uh reportedly include the
81-year-old founder of Oracle, Larry
Ellison, and 94year-old Rupert Murdoch,
who owns Fox. Now, I don't know what
it's like at your house, but my kids are
super pumped about the new guys in
charge.
This is a big deal. Are we really safer
going from the Chinese government to the
Murdoch? Seems like a lateral move to
This is like getting traded from the
Celtics to the Celtics to me. But if
you're keeping track of who controls our
media now, we have Rupert Murdoch and
Larry Ellison in charge of the world's
largest social media platform, Tik Tok.
Elon Musk running X. Mark Zuckerberg has
Facebook. Rupert Murdoch's son runs Fox
News, the Wall Street Journal, and the
New York Post. And Larry Ellison's son
owns Paramount and CBS. Other than that
though, these guys don't have any way to
get their message out. The left-wing
libards control everything, and it isn't
fair. This has been
We've learned that
this has been a a tumultuous week. Even
though we are still being preempted in
60 American cities, on Tuesday, we had
our second highest rated show in almost
23 years on the air.
Our monologue from Tuesday night has
more than 21 million views just on
YouTube alone. And I want to say we
couldn't have done it without you, Mr.
President. Thank you very much. Trump
and I appreciate it. And I've noticed
that after the big boost we got, other
shows on television seem to be taking
shots at Trump, too.
This chair came from my stepfather's
family. I at one time got offered $75
from an antique dealer for it.
Well, I'm happy to tell you this is a
genuine Philadelphia Chip andale. Come
down here to the skirt. This exquisite
carving on the knees. Oh, and by the
way, hey, Donald Trump, go yourself.
These classic claw ball feet, they're
round yet lumpy like Trump's titties.
You heard me, you fat orange At
auction, you're going to get something
like$8 to 12,000 easy.
Okay, not bad.
Not bad. Better than the $75 offer.
Release the Epstein files.
Somebody's been sipping from those
antique whiskey decanters. You know,
last night I mentioned that a lot of
actors and comedians and writers and
producers spoke out in support of our
show and in support of free speech. And
while the reaction to our reinstatement
was mostly positive, it wasn't entirely
positive. One famous actor who was not
excited to see us back was future
Secretary of State Randy Quaid.
such an irrelevant lying son of a
Yeah, lying. I forgot lying. Why waste
your time on an irrelevant
lying son of a like Jimmy Kimmel?
Because he's on television, dummy.
Oh, hold on. Are those What was that on
the floor? Is he eating milk bones? Are
is that
I mean I knew things weren't going great
for Randy, but did that look like a box
of milk bones to you, GMO?
I I don't know.
I don't know.
It's why he has such a shiny coat on
top. One of the weirdest things that
happened while we're off the air, there
were a flood of AI videos that were
designed to look like real recordings of
me. And please don't worry about me
being permanently taken off the air or
even completely rejected by the
platform. I will respect their decision,
but I will not let it completely defeat
me. Taking risks is part of the
consequence and I will accept it.
Goodbye my audience.
That is how I'm going to do it. On my
last show, I'll say goodbye my audience.
GMO, by the way, Stalin knows, huh?
You know the bit's over, right? You
don't have to eat the milk bones
anymore.
They're so good.
GMO got the AI treatment, too.
No matter how others try to tear Jimmy
down, I'll always stand by him. You know
what's even scarier than cancing the
Jimmy Kimmo show is people gloating,
calling Jimmy a talentless clown with no
compassion. I can't believe you'd accuse
Jimmy of that.
No one No one accused me of being a
talentless clown with no compassion. Why
would you even say that? Has AI been
reading your diary?
I guess. I don't know.
Oh, and I saved the worst one for last.
Jimmy getting suspended is a disgrace to
the American media. I can't believe they
would fire him over a joke. I'm really
sad that I can't be Jimmy's last guest.
He's the funniest talk show host in my
book. I've known Jimmy for over 20
years, and people love to talk about our
feud, but we actually get along great
offscreen. We just play enemies on
camera for laughs. In 2013, he even
invited me to his wedding. He really
values our friendship. I know Jimmy is
dedicated. He put everything into his
show. And even when his father passed
away, he didn't stop working. I think
ABC shouldn't treat Jimmy like this. If
a talk show host can't speak freely,
then they have no value.
Wait, hold on. My father passed away.
What a way to find out. Dad, did you
know this? Are you aware that you're
dead?
I'm shocked. I think I am going to pass
away from what I heard. All right. Well,
you will be missed. We can't trust
anything anymore. According to a new
poll from Quinnipic, a whopping 57% of
registered voters say they are not
confident in information coming from
Health Secretary Robert Kennedy. And the
other 43% took his advice and died. At
this point, even at this point, the worm
in RFK's brain is starting to have
doubts. You're like, did I pick a stupid
brain to eat? What am I? They also asked
participants how they felt about the
chairman of the FCC, Brendan Carr, and
his positive approval rating is 19%.
More people approve of genital rabies
than Brendan Carr. And now these guys,
after accusing me of misinformation, are
waging war against our old friend
Tylenol. That cute little caplet we've
known and eaten for years is now public
enemy number one. president and the
crocus Kennedy are telling us not to
take Tylenol, which is confusing.
Between the new rules for that and
vaccines and who knows what else is
next, maybe Flintston's vitamins, it's
hard to know what is and isn't okay to
put in your mouth anymore. But the good
news is the FDA is listening and help is
on the way.
If you're feeling tired and run down,
you need a remedy backed by gold
standard science. Introducing Lyquil,
the only government funded formula that
cures everything. Measles, COVID,
autism, bone spurs, tooth decay,
windmill, penis, and trans. Transgender
for everybody. Everybody transgender.
Lyquil is not a vaccine. It's free of
forever chemicals, and is made from an
organic blend of Liver King supplements,
ketchup, honey mustard, the Colonel's 11
herbs and spices, and RFK Junior's blue
jean perspiration. Two out of five TV
doctors agree that when illness strikes,
don't take Tylenol. Strike back with
Lywell, the sniffling, sneezing,
coughing, sore throat, fever, so you can
rest in peace medicine from the makers
of Groatasen. Available at Walgreens.
[Music]