After reading the painful and long-overdue reports of systemic abuse within Shambhala International, and particularly those reports concerning Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, I have chosen to come forward and share my own story, which has haunted me for many years and because of which I eventually left the sangha.
I have chosen to come forward, albeit anonymously, because I believe it is important for the Shambhala community to know exactly what has been happening within the Court in this regard, as it reveals a long lineage of sexual misconduct, from VCTR to the Vajra Regent to SMR.
From 2003–2005, I had a consensual, non-monogamous sexual relationship with Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. Since the “relationship”, for lack of a better term, was carried on publicly and was well-known then to many sangha members worldwide, any privacy which I might have wished for then and now has long since been yielded.
I would like to assert that during our relationship, I was never coerced into any sexual acts, nor was I physically or verbally assaulted by SMR. I would also like to assert that I stand behind those women who allege sexual assault and extreme misconduct on behalf of SMR and the Court, and I believe them. The stories of assault are nothing short of horrifying. Absolutely, utterly and completely horrifying. My heart breaks for these women.
I first met SMR when I was 23 years old, during my Vajrayana Seminary. I was a deeply devoted student, living in a practice center. I had a degree in Buddhist Studies and I had been training as a Tibetan language interpreter for several years. I had a great desire, like so many others, to make a profound and lasting spiritual connection with my teacher, and I was greatly honored when, during a private interview, SMR began speaking to me in Tibetan and inquiring about my studies. I felt a personal connection had been established, for which I had longed so fervently, regardless of the stories I had heard of his experience with other women in the sangha.
Shortly after this interview, I was approached by a Kusung, who told me that SMR would like to invite me to a group dinner that night at the Court, which I gladly accepted. That evening, after SMR had excused himself from the table,
I was approached by the continuity Kusung, who subtly tapped me on my elbow and whispered in my ear that SMR would like to see me upstairs. I had heard enough of the sexual exploits of SMR that I knew what this invitation meant. But still, I felt very special that SMR wanted to spend time with me.
In the Tibetan tradition, one learns to choose one’s guru carefully, and once Samaya is made, to nurture and cherish that spiritual connection. Despite the fact that I was in a long-term relationship with the Rusung of my practice center,
I felt that it was an honor and a pleasure to have a personal connection with and offer myself to the guru—whatever that meant. So I went upstairs, and we had small talk for a few minutes. Then SMR said to me, “well, I feel like we know each other well enough. Would you like to join me in bed?” And, although it was certainly an unusual situation, into bed I climbed. Naively, but willingly.
I want to be clear that this was not a desperate act for attention, or a childish whim, or a misguided hope that I might receive some secret teachings. I entered his bed as a woman and a scholar and a practitioner with devotion in my heart. I enjoy interpersonal and physical intimacy, and I was devoted to my guru. It seemed an obvious enough equation.
My presence was regularly requested throughout Seminary, the invitations always facilitated through Kusung or members of the Court. I remember these invitations with great embarrassment and distaste, as these men (almost always men—although I know firsthand that some women of the Court and many of the female Kusung also protected and slept with SMR) really functioned as vajra pimps, fetching the ladies for their teacher. I found out later that a dear friend from the practice center, who had had multiple sexual encounters with SMR, had attended a dinner the night before I was first invited—she had also been summoned upstairs, but turned down the invitation. Another woman was also requested later during seminary as well, but also chose not to spend the night with SMR.
There were many dinners and late nights throughout that Seminary, which turned into late mornings sleeping in at the Court. So many that my MI asked if it was possible for me to attend more morning sitting sessions. I felt very conflicted, because I was missing those sessions to have breakfast in bed with our teacher. She knew that. Everyone, it seemed, knew that.
It was a strange thing, sleeping with the guru while also still in a relationship with my then-partner, with both of them completely aware of the other. Looking back on it, it seems that this open secret was acceptable within the community only because this was a pattern that had been happening for so long, since the time of the Vidyadhara. But that doesn’t make it less weird or ridiculous. Looking back on it now, it is completely fucked up.
I was then invited to spend a few weeks in Scotland with SMR after Seminary, while he was working on his latest book. This invitation I turned down, because I felt that the relationship with my partner would not withstand this separation.
Within a few months, that relationship ended, and I then began spending time here and there with SMR—at Karme Choling, in New York, in Boulder. I also flew to Halifax several times at SMR’s invitation. He would split the cost of the plane fare with me. During these visits
we would socialize with other sangha members—nothing was carried on in secret, nor was there ever any privacy. Kusung were always around, always in and out of the bedroom, while I lay there under the covers.
This went on through 2005. SMR invited me up to Boston to watch him run the marathon, and for an afterparty that evening. Although we didn’t spend the night together then, he told me he was about to leave for India for a few weeks, and that he wanted to see me in Rhode Island when he returned.In 2005, when the Sakyong came to Boston to run the Boston Marathon, Ann was invited to come as well. A day or two before the marathon she was brought by a kusung into the bedroom where the Sakyong was staying in a private home.
He was lying on the bed in his underwear and 4-5 men from his “inner circle” (i.e. Kalapa Council members, leaders, kusung) were present. [2] The Sakyong called Ann over and motioned for her to sit down on the edge of the bed. She became nervous. As a child prostitute she had been subjected to horrible situations, including gang rape. This looked the same.
The Sakyong began to initiate sex with her. He took her hand in his hand and began stroking his penis with it while the men looked on from the other side of the bed. He said, “Can you take care of me?” and then he said to her, “What can you do for them?” [3]
Ann began to panic and told him repeatedly, “No, I am not comfortable doing this.” She remembers that one of the men then moved to stand in front of the door and another took off his jacket. She began to shake with fear and to dissociate from her body. The Sakyong then sexually assaulted her, putting his hand on the back of her neck and trying to force her mouth down on his penis. Finally, Ann twisted away, stood up and fled the room. She left the house and stayed elsewhere. [4]
-- Buddhist Project Sunshine Phase 3 Final Report, by Andrea M. Winn, MEd, MCS. Appendix 2: Memo of New Findings of Buddhist Project Sunshine's Preliminary Investigation Into the Clergy Sexual Misconduct of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche - Carol Merchasin, J.D
When I knew he had returned, I received a phone call from Josh Silberstein. I assumed he was calling to plan my visit, but instead he told me that SMR got engaged while in India, and that a community-wide announcement was going out shortly. He also said SMR wanted to talk to me, and would give me a call shortly.
The email announcement of the engagement went out within five minutes.
It took six months for SMR to call me. When he did call, he didn’t address the engagement or ask me how I was doing. He was mostly silent, and I was so embarrassed by this silence that all I could do was ask for advice on my upcoming month-long retreat.
More than a year passed before I was granted an interview with him, by the same Kusung that used to arrange my plane tickets and bring me breakfast and who now wanted to know “what I wanted to discuss with SMR” before fitting me into his busy schedule. SMR was cold and remote when we met, and barely looked me in the eye.
Now, I had been under no such illusion that I was SMR’s girlfriend, or that our relationship would ever be more than a series of weekends together here and there. I knew that he was sleeping with other women concurrently. I had other partners as well. I also knew that he had ghosted other “girlfriends”. But I was under the illusion that we had a friendship, and that he had even a modicum of personal interest in me as his student and friend and former lover. We had spent a lot of time together, we had great fun, we were very affectionate, we enjoyed each other’s company. What hurt me the most in the end was to be dropped and ghosted the way I was, without any thought to maintain even a hint of kindness.Beyond this, because our “relationship” had been so public, sangha members around the world felt comfortable sharing their opinions with me about SMR’s engagement and bride-to-be. Once the announcement went out, I was absolutely inundated with calls and emails from sangha members who felt that I was “the slighted girlfriend” and wanted to talk. It was all terribly embarrassing, and I had no idea how to respond.
My connection to the sangha, which had been my entire world, began to crumble. I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about my experience, because I felt that sharing my intimate experience with others might pollute their relationship with their teacher, or sow discord in general. So I remained silent, and felt great shame in my inability to practice, in my anger at my teacher, for breaking my samaya. I was completing a Master’s degree at Naropa by then, and I felt so incredibly isolated in my shame and heartbreak and complete inability to practice. Shambhala was all around me, and yet I wasn’t a part of it.
During this time, I was a ngondro practitioner doing guru yoga practice.
I found it more and more confusing during guru yoga to identify with and visualize SMR. Were all acts by the guru considered to be pure? What was I to make of our relationship? Of the way I was sent for around the world, and then casually dismissed and ignored, like a prostitute? I tortured myself, wondering if the confusion and pain I felt was self-induced, was a result of my own impure thinking, wondering how I could venerate someone that had hurt me so profoundly. And it lead me to wonder:
what was the point of our sexual relationship, if it wasn’t for heartfelt companionship or out of genuine affection? Was it just for sex only?
I realized that yes, yes, it was just for sex only.
And this realization, that I had been used for sex, and discarded when no longer useful, was terribly painful. I was unable to continue with guru yoga, it was too painful to see his face in my mind’s eye, again and again, seated on a lotus throne. I blamed myself, I was disgusted with myself.
I began to withdraw from the sangha, slowly at first, and then completely. It has been many years since I last visited my local practice center. I was only alerted to Buddhist Project Sunshine through an old friend and an article in the New York Times. I had just given birth to my daughter, my first child, and my heart was so tender and open and vulnerable. It still is.
Reading the stories put forward by such brave women broke my heart all over again, to see myself as part of a greater cycle of utter weirdness, of sexual coldness and spiritual cruelty.What surprised me was how few women have come forward, especially since I know that many of their experiences were as weird as my own. I know firsthand of at least seven other women who have slept with SMR, all friends of mine from long ago—and none of these women have yet come forward. (Women, where are you?)Of course I knew, and had always known, much of what had been going on with SMR—his womanizing, his sloppy handling of “relationships”, the string of hurt women in his wake, conveniently labeled after the fact as bitter or difficult.
We all knew. Jesus Christ, WE ALL DID. I am astonished by the quotes given by senior teachers and practitioners who claim that they had no idea what SMR was up to behind closed doors. Are you kidding?
WE ALL KNEW.
WE ALL KNEW.
WE ALL KNEW.
We were all complicit. Myself included.